If you are an adult and was homeschooled..

[SchoolNoMore]

… i would be keen to hear your experiences and pros/cons such an approach has had on your life.

We have made the decision to deregister our 12 year old son from school due to skyrocketing anxiety and friendship issues. It got to the point where he was breaking down in the mornings and just refusing point blank to acknowledge us talking to him or get dressed, he is a smart kid, sensitive and we decided to home school. Naturally, i am scared and worried about what that means for his future and future prospects.
If you have been through this yourself, i’d be greatful to hear your experiences and how this impacted your life, career, mental health, social life/skills. Is a good outcome possible in such situation?

My 17 year old isn't quite an adult and can't give much on careers, but has been home educated from the start (part-time from 15 with the local college that was running a home ed programme) and is usually happy to talk about it if you'd like me to ask him directly about what it's like now. He was accepted onto his desired post-GCSE course, has already made new friends there, is eagerly returning to cadets. COVID had shaken him and he like many teenagers has come to rely a lot on online socializing, but his social skills seem fine.

He has a friend about the same age who was also home educated, they've spent the last couple of years doing part-time work while still doing home ed and figuring things out. Now at doing GCSEs at the same college - many colleges have GCSE programmes and home ed programmes - some from Y9 - though COVID has shut a few of these. It's more condensed with fewer options than you'll get at normal schools, but suited my oldest well. Due to costs and limits on private candidates, it's pretty hard near me to get those qualifications without having to travel a significant distance.

However at 12, the biggest thing will likely be getting into a routine, facilitating activities and, if you're working full time, possibly bringing in someone else to help. As others said, it's good to look into all the options around you for now and in the near future.

If you work full time I don't think this is very sensible

Just send her to school And let her be with people and make friends and have the subjects covered by someone suitably qualified

I would say it is a finely balanced thing. My best friend and her siblings were home schooled by their Mum. She has done brilliantly in her career and is very emotionally intelligent. However, she has very little general or cultural knowledge beyond that shared with her mother or her siblings, e.g a TV quiz that would be considered easy by most is just something she cannot participate in. I wouldn't do it for my children because I don't want them to be limited to my knowledge and likes/dislikes.

It depends how anxious he is. I mean, if he's a bit stressed but can cope, then school sounds more realistic given you can't reduce your workload. However, not to be blunt, there's bugger all point worrying about his qualifications if going to school distresses him to the point of self harm or worse. The only two home schooled kids I know go to forest schools, a million and one hobbies/sports/clubs, and have a massive friendship group. I think the trick with homeschooling is to realise it takes huge input, and it's essential to have input from many sources (eg sports club teachers, forest school teachers, parents, parents of friends, etc). Basically, if you want to home school, you need a full time teacher/teachers. It won't work with two parents who work full time. Could you try changing schools instead?

I think the people saying, just send him to school, have not had to deal with a child with severe social/ school anxiety.

OP, if your son is desperately unhappy at school then try homeschooling. Mainstream schools fail pupils with SEND and severe anxiety and unfortunately unless you can find an alternative school - which are few and far between and usually private- then you're left with little choice but to home educate.

I’ve had experience of this as a child, for 5 years. I was ‘successful’ in later life in terms of jobs and relationships yes.

It was great fun for the first couple of years. Then it became extremely dull and lonely. I didn’t have school anxiety so a very different situation. However in later life I often feel different and struggle to fit in and I think my home ed background was a big part of causing that.

One option you could consider is taking a year or two off (with home ed) then going back to a better school when he is older and more able to cope.

(Treat with caution what you’re told by home educating parents, as there seem to be a lot of people in the HE community who basically see school as evil and have a very one sided view and who will endlessly validate you in a way that may or may not be helpful. I read regularly statements in home ed groups like “they don’t need socialisation” - well I was the child and I can tell you that I desperately longed for friends.)

Good luck OP it sounds like this is a good decision for now but I wouldn’t recommend it forever, not unless you find a great social circle which you might do.

My son is 12. He’s never been to school in the UK. Because I and his dad are dyslexic I was pretty sure it wouldn’t be a good fit. He didn’t even draw till 8. He went to school in the US for 6 months at 9 having only just admitting he could read some. We pretty much unschool and he does still have dyslexia and is effected by it but was a really successful student if you could ignore this. He was shocked by how much he knew.
Your son will soon be able to do his GCSEs at a local college. Think he can go from 14. Just let him relax and enjoy life until then. His mental health is of paramount.

This happens to me though as I don’t have a tv. I did grow up with one but in a different country to where I live.

I am all for homeschooling in the right situation. It has very much been on the table for DS in the past and still is if needed.

However it doesn’t sound like either parent can dedicate the time needed to properly facilitate it. Things like interhigh are great at helping with the academic side of things but won’t work on its own, it will still need adult input along the way and for parents to help facilitate social and emotional development.

I wasn't but know two families that are..with different results....one the mum is very proactive, they in home schooling groups and follow a plan..she says it's vvv expensive as you have to pay for all resources...she's lucky to have a husband who earning. Her girls are doing vvv well and I'm impressed what they learning and makes you realise how much time is wasted at school. The other family the mum is home educating but doesn't so children do what they want....the mum doesn't like they going out so they stuck in their house...the oldest one has begged to go to school for a couple of years....not sure what happened but this sept she suddenly started at school and from what I hear is enjoying every second but needs extra lessons to catch up but bright and very keen so catching up quick...she's 13.

First of all, it’s worth remembering that home education is not a lifelong commitment, you can both opt for school again at any point. Sometimes some time out really helps.

Home education is rapidly changing too. Growing numbers mean more alternative settings are springing up, offering the option of two or three days a week in an out of home setting. I can think of seven settings in my area with differing philosophies; Waldorf, democratic, outdoor education where kids can attend, to learn and play with peers. Most are teacher led. This may be a great fit for your son if you’re working full time. Usually much more relaxed than school, they are a great addition to home education.

Only a minority of home educating parents don’t work at least part time now. Most fit work around educating their children. Remember education isn’t 9-3 Monday to Friday, it can be 5-10 Thursday- Monday or in scattered slots through the week or completely informal.

Two or three days in an alternative setting combined with some online classes (no need to pay for a complete package like Interhigh), some reading, pursuing own interests, some extracurricular clubs and time with you doing outings and activities at weekends and after work could be a perfect education for a 12 year old.

To be honest, if you want to hear about home educators from adults who were home educated, you may find it more helpful to seek out home education communities. Most people who have had good experiences of home ed will be found there rather than on a general forum where any old person with an agenda can post about how they disagree with the whole concept just because they disagree and therefore think it’s wrong for everyone. Though it is nice to see you received one of two of the responses you asked for.

There are lots of HE communities out there, some specifically focused on secondary age children, groups for those with anxiety issues, groups to support those taking exams, groups for parents who juggle HE and work, etc.

The main thing is your child is well enough to learn because an anxious child can’t learn a thing. Contact one of the support orgs - education otherwise, heas, etc. They’ll point you to people who can answer your questions and offer insight to help inform your decision.

I know a young person who was home schooled due to anxiety. They thrived academically and have under and postgraduate degrees from top universities. Their social skills are poor and I suspect that this was behind the difficulties at 11/12. Their DM was at home to help with education. I agree with those pointing out that your DS will need academic support via a tutor or similar if you are working.

Hi there. Do you have any colleges (UTC type) nearby that take them from age 14 up? If so, I'd look at doing a couple of years of homeschooling then get him into the college for GCSE or equivalents.
I think you could explain to your D's that you will let him homeschool for a couple of years but on condition that as well as whatever study route you decide together might be appropriate, he also needs to engage in some sort of therapy/support to help him deal with his anxiety. It might even be more important to spend your money on some private therapy for the next year or so, rather than in something like inter high.

OP, I "checked" myself out of my school (not in the UK) at around the age of 14 due to similar issues - bullying etc. I was still registered, but did not bother coming in on most of the days. My parents did not have a lot to do with it though, it was my decision. Pretty much self taught from that point onwards, thankfully those were the days of early internet and there was an abundance of information (and very little distractions too!).

I went to university, have three masters by now, an ok-ish job (the famous mn six-digits).

The only thing that I struggle now with are social skills. But, I don't really think they would have improved had I stayed - likely would have gotten even worse.

www.utcportsmouth.org/utc-portsmouth
This might be your nearest UTC which obviously might not be near enough!

[quote SchoolNoMore]@littledrummergirl, thank you. Such an outcome is my biggest worry.[/quote]
Hmmm. We love home ed. Our entire family loves it, my children would happily ban all schools, but if I had thought for a second that no qualifications, no job, etc, etc, would have been a potential outcome then I wouldn’t have agreed to it and certainly wouldn’t have delivered it.

It takes quite a lot of determination, (developing) a thick skin and much commitment to step outside the mainstream choice and even more so to balance that with other issues as you would be doing. Being slightly anxious is to be expected, believing you could fail your child so comprehensively not so much. I think you do need to be confident you can and will deliver something better even if you don’t know exactly how you will do it immediately. That’s where support can help.

Definitely seek further advice from experienced home educators, their grown children, as well as seeing what alternatives the school system can offer.

It has to be right for the whole family, and if it isn’t, don’t beat yourself up about it. Do what you can to help your child. Once they are teens it is largely down to them how they progress either way so your decisions can’t make or break his future. Parents of teens simply don’t have as much power as they often think they do. If you think HE will make you unhappy, you can’t do it. We’re mothers, not martyrs.

Good luck lovely

I just want to clarify this in case it is misinterpreted. “I think you do need to be confident you can and will deliver something better even if you don’t know exactly how you will do it immediately.”

There are many ways an education can be “better” than the one currently being received by a child.

I was raised by parents with limited “qualifications” who ran a successful small business which they were well qualified to run.

There are successful creatives out there who have few “qualifications” yet are earning, very well for some, and are clearly qualified for their work.

There are people who are late developers and come into their own once mainstream education has finished and they have more control over their learning.

As OP has said she is concerned that choosing home education might lead to her child having no qualifications, no job, etc, essentially failing in life then it seems sensible to recognise that OP is, psychologically, deeply committed to a mainstream education narrative of success - if you do this and this and this, you will be happy and successful.

The first step towards home education is recognising and being confident that there are other routes to a successful life. This is what enables us to keep on in the face of so many people who tell us all of our children will fail because we chose something different - we simply know it isn’t true.

I was home educated. I now have a PhD and work in a university. I also had lots of friends from home ed groups or drama classes. It was absolutely wonderful and I'll be doing the same for my own kids too. I certainly didn't need anyone to feel desperately sorry for me. 😂

DD now 19 is in her last year of A levels, educated from home but at an Internet school for very similar reasons to your DS from the age of 12

It was a gamer changer for her, and almost certainly saved her life as she was suicidal in a school setting

We made the decision it was better to have a thriving young adult at the end of education, the cost to her of staying in a bricks and mortar school mentally was too great

DD achieved a string of GCSES including 3x8 and is on course for good A levels results

DD has gained a great deal through being able to control her learning environment and has developed excellent study skills because of this style of education

Just one thought for you, we applied for an EHCP and this funded her place at the internet school

I partly homeschooled my DCs but each for very different reasons.

My DD was homeschooled to help her to succeed in gaining a place at her school of choice for the next stage of her education. She worked hard and gained the academic scholarship she wanted. As a single mum and academic myself there is no way I could have afforded her school fees without the scholarship.

My DS hated school and a few years of homeschooling gave him a different perspective so he returned to a different type of school later on and loved it. During the homeschooling years he went from being years behind his peers to being ahead so it was worth it and gave him the confidence he needed to return to school when he was older.

Echoing what others have said, I am am a highly-qualified academic with strong STEM knowledge so had a good understanding of the syllabus and was able to stretch my DCs. I also spent a considerable amount of time extending their knowledge of non-core subjects that were of interest to them and travelled abroad for extended periods enhancing their foreign language skills. They worked on core subjects in the mornings and we were usually out somewhere doing something interesting in the afternoons. The weekends were spent socialising with friends.

For much of the time I was able to continue part-time in academia whilst homeschooling but I found it hard to constantly plan and prepare lessons every day for the DC and do my own work. There are plenty of resources available for homeschooling that may make it easier but I had my own views on what they should be learning and was not prepared to follow a set curriculum. We did the basics of maths and English but neither of them went for mainstream subjects when they were older. I see that as a positive thing and now they have both found their niche.

Both DCs did well academically and are now succesful in their chosen careers so homeschooling didn't hold them back and I like to think that it helped considerably.