To think becoming a first time mother in your 60s is the height of selfishness?

[CounsellorTroi]

www.vogue.co.uk/arts-and-lifestyle/article/julia-peyton-jones

Had a baby alone at 64. She’ll be 80 years old when her daughter is 16. There’s a good chance she’ll be dead by the time the child is 30. She could well die before the child reaches 25. So very selfish.

One of the things I didn't expect after I had my kids was to feel the overwhelming that I something happened to me that I would end up leaving my kids without much reliable support. Their dad is useless, I don't have siblings they are closed to, and my parents lived abroad and only saw them once a year and as such never formed a close bond.

This feeling intensified as I got into my late 40s and health scares came knocking on the door. The day I felt a lump in my breast, all I could think was how my kids would cope if I wasn't around.

They are now young adults and I can say that this is weight of my shoulder to know they are old enough to cope without me and get on with their life. I know speaking to friends that this a very common feeling. I can't imagine feeling like this in my 60s, knowing that the odd of getting cancer, suffering from a stroke or heart disease or other debilitating chronic condition are so significantly increase after 60.

Whilst I do think it’s selfish. My own mother is 89 and could easily manage a 25yr old now and whatever came before. She took care of my youngest for 3 years when I worked from his birth when she was 78 until he went to nursery when she was 81. She took him to playgroups, clubs etc etc with ease. But she’s been lucky and is exceptionally fit.
I had my first at 31 and my youngest at 44 and lots of people were shocked and quite negative but it was a natural conception and felt right. Who knows?

@CounsellorTroi
My mum had me at 18 years old and died at 41 years old. She may well not see her child reach her 30s but none of us can predict our future.

I was the child of a older parent he was sick by the time I was 11 and died when I was 21 it’s not something I’d ever do to my children so no ynbu

It is utterly selfish. I think there are a fair number number of people who have babies in their 40s that are pushing it and like to stick their head in the sand. At 64 it shouldn’t have been allowed by the clinic. Healthy life expectancy stats are much lower than life expectancy. Average healthy life expectancy is around 63 for women. There is a good chance she won’t be around to see a child through to 18. She could quite easily have a big decline in her 70s saddling her children with caring requirements. I find my parents’ health a worry as a grown up. They are mid 70s and were on the old side.

Toomuchtrouble4me I am replicating your mother I am 78 and caring for our 16 year old (adopted) daughter she is severely disabled tube fed , has a colostomy and requires X2 weekly infusions. I do it all.Many mothers in their 40's have told me they could not do it. Each to their own!

Anyone seen this? www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/16139389/woman-pregnant-62-no-period-years/
Seems to be alot of it about....
Although this lady is CLAIMING she's post menopause and he's had a vasectomy some time ago 🤔

This child is completely and utterly privileged. This in no way reflects a childhood that will be in any way normal - not an ordinary life, an underprivileged life, and certainly not one lacking in love and care. If HRH had decided to have another child in these circumstances the babe would be cared for and nurtured in the same way the other children were - by staff, nurses and nannies and no-one would blink (except about her age of course). This isn't a baby that will suffer in any way because of the age of her mother - however she will have a short history with her mother - but it will be rich and colourful - if she is still with her mother until she reaches her 30's she will be an independent woman. She will be then what she is now - privileged.

Selfish at that age for both men and women IMO. Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

I entirely agree with this.

Simon Cowell was pretty old when he had his kid. Lot of men are. So why are things so patriarchal that women are always held to much higher and different standards? Not just this, in many areas! And often women's greatest enemies are often other women! Whilst mostly guys have each others backs.

@Frigginintheriggin

Anyone seen this? www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/16139389/woman-pregnant-62-no-period-years/ Seems to be alot of it about.... Although this lady is CLAIMING she's post menopause and he's had a vasectomy some time ago 🤔

And I’m the Virgin Mary.

I kinda agree, but not all situations are the same and generalisations are sweeping by nature.

Male, Currently 52, never met the one i guess, current gf has two girls that i adore and treat as my own. But there is a part of me that longs to be a real dad. Turns out i’m actually great with kids, and that just makes it all harder.

Maybe on the face of it, im probably too old to be a dad because of all the reasons many have listed, 52/62 not that much in it.

Doesn’t stop me longing. Maybe sometimes life isn’t fair, i have most other things in life, can’t grumble, but if i got the chance, it would be a difficult decision.

All i can say is that i hope that i’d be as good parent than a young couple who have more challenges at that stage of life…. If i got the chance and took that decision with someone i care about and it was right for us.

@Frigginintheriggin

Anyone seen this? www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/16139389/woman-pregnant-62-no-period-years/ Seems to be alot of it about.... Although this lady is CLAIMING she's post menopause and he's had a vasectomy some time ago 🤔

It was a joke that has whooshed over the Sun's head. She's 42.

Not just selfish: utter madness. We have the menopause for a reason.

I help 0out with childminding with my grandchildren. I'm exhausted with that as much as I love them and enjoy doing it

My mom was 36 when I was born. My father 49. Yes it was a different time but it caused its problems

I think it’s a shame for the child. I think it’s selfish for anyone to consider it, man or woman.

The child is wanted and will be loved. My neighbour has just died at 49 leaving 3 children without a mother. And I’ve known other children that went to school with mine that lost parents when they were in KS1. We all have to deal with the death of a parent at some time. Having a child at any age is a selfish act, we want a child, if we’re lucky we have one. Who’s to say this person is any more selfish? Good luck to her 🍀

@WineIsMyCarb

I think her previous career is relevant as head of an art gallery. I think this child is obviously very much wanted and loved, but is her latest acquisition to furnish her life. In the Saturday Times article from last week she doesn't discuss how the child came to be conceived and carried but it's a fair chance it was surrogacy, which I have ethical objections to for feminist reasons; it's always a commercial arrangement between a rich woman and a poorer one. This adds to my sense that this is an acquisition. As for the point that we don't object to men having children in their 60s, many people do. Also, I imagine it's easier for a child to lose her elderly father than her single mother. We lost my ultra-fit 67 year old MIL this year, I mention it because this little girl could be orphaned before she starts school. I accept that 35 year old single mothers can be hit by a bus, but it's less common than 65-70 year olds dying of cancer.

Absolutely this. Only because she had the money to do it. Not on imo.

Why are you worrying?

My father died when I was seven. So was my mother or father being selfish having me? He was 47. No one knows how long we have but we are the only ones to understand we will die.

Surrogate? Fairly bonkers decision by her. Just the exhaustion levels are so much worse when older. And if she does make it til child in teens...😳 or ferrying child to university in your 80s. Hope she has a much younger partner to help out.

Personally, I think it is none of anyone else’s business. She’s not asking anyone else to pay for her child, so mind your own business. I could name dozens of high profile men who have had kids at that age and much older, and no body cares, it’s just women.

The rationale about how it is her choice and if she wants to do it she shouldn't be judged doesn't mean it is not a selfish thing to do. All the potentially negative conertations of her decision will fall on the child. It's all right saying there are supports available if she dies, the fact is she has created a situation for her own needs where there is a high likelihood her child will have no parent at an early age. That burden will be completely on the child. Her child will have no dad in their life, again that is her choice but the burden is on the child. The child will have to deal with the extreme difference in the ages of their friend's mother's and their mother. As adults we might rationalise this as the child will have love and opportunities and the age of their mother doesn't matter, but it is not the adults who will carry this, even if it irrational, it is again on the child.
So in the purest meaning, it is a completely selfish decision as it is all about fulflling her wants and needs and using medical intervention to facilitates her wants. Whether she should have the right to do it is another question. But is it selfish, absolutely.

@LemonSwan

I was going to say yes very selfish, but shes 69 now, looks incredible and likely has the best healthcare going. If you get to 70 without cancer your looking quite good, and if you get past your 70s without a pulmonary cardiac diseases then your on a roll.

So in a way this story made me think about things a bit differently. Her chances of predicting 25+ years of healthy life were probably higher at 65 than at 50/55 when your still in the potential cancer arena.

Sorry I really don’t understand this post.

Are you saying the chances of major health events like the ones you mention go down once you hit 70? Any evidence for this? My parents have been unlucky then; both fit and healthy and looking years younger than their ages until a heart attack for DF at 72 and a life changing stroke for DM at 74.

Also, this lady wouldn’t have known that she’d make it into the statistical sweetspot you talk of, as she embarked on parenthood a while before then.

Nobody seemed to be criticising Mick Jagger at age 77.

Shocking double standards here.

@Snog

Nobody seemed to be criticising Mick Jagger at age 77.

Shocking double standards here.

I remember a thread where many of us did criticise him