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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU

62 replies

Yankee63 · 18/09/2021 14:56

Partner & I together 20 yrs living together 18yrs
I out deposit down from equity from my previous house 80k
He got mortgage for his part, but BOTH names on mortgage . Mortgage is tenants in common
My 80k is protected, albeit learning my solicitor chose the wrong wording at the time!

This as been a massive argument with us in past & more recently!
Him saying, this should not be there anymore,
I get this 100% , after 18 yrs.
But my reason being it’s still there is
He cheated 5 yrs ago

In order to NOT let this be a big hindrance/sore point any longer and to put it behind us

Do I get rid of protection 80k ? and things get better between us financially?
Or what ??

I

OP posts:
ManifestDestinee · 18/09/2021 15:01

I'm not really following, but if the question is if you should give up the ringefence on your 80k, the answer is 100% NO.

WoozySnoozy · 18/09/2021 15:02

Why is he pushing for your money

PlanDeRaccordement · 18/09/2021 15:06

Assuming you are not married. Then hell no, do not stop the ring fence on your 80k. There is no reason for him to demand this unless he was thinking of leaving you and cashing out.

Besides, women live longer than men. You’ll need to keep your extra equity to fund your longer old age. Surely he doesn’t want you to be in poverty after he’s gone?

deeplyambivalent · 18/09/2021 15:10

@WoozySnoozy

Why is he pushing for your money
I also wonder. It's not relevant unless you split up, so why now?
Original poster
Yankee63 · 18/09/2021 15:10

We only have 18mth left on mortgage 7k
He looks at it as, he’s paid more than me because of interest added on mortgage ?

After 18mths up, do I get rid then? As he will be 50% owner then ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Yankee63 · 18/09/2021 15:12

We haven’t been getting along recently and it’s mainly because off this ring fenced 80k

I know and have told him
It’s only in the event off !!!

OP posts:
deeplyambivalent · 18/09/2021 15:29

Well, strictly speaking, the interest portion is financing costs and has nothing to do with the capital value of the house. The proportion you each own should correspond with the capital you've each put in.

Plus you did him a service by contributing a big deposit. Presumably if you hadn't had it, you'd both have been living in a less nice/ more modest house all these years?

RealBecca · 18/09/2021 15:29

You dont trust him.

You havent really forgiven him or you wouldnt be holding the cheting over him.

So...why are you together?

RandomMess · 18/09/2021 15:38

If you have pooled finances then surely you both contributed to the mortgage or has everything else been split and the mortgage payments come from his personal spends?

Presumably the house has increased in value anyway which is shared 50:50.

Why have you never married...

Personally I would keep it ring fenced.

ChargingBuck · 18/09/2021 15:50

@Yankee63

We haven’t been getting along recently and it’s mainly because off this ring fenced 80k

I know and have told him
It’s only in the event off !!!

Be VERY careful OP.

Is your cheating partner looking to get you to sign over £80k of your hard-earned money, then dump you?

He sounds far more concerned with causing rows over YOUR money than in having a happy home life with you.

Is he engineering these rows by constantly badgering you about it?
Does eh think if he's nasty enough to you, you will eventually cave in?
Do NOT let him browbeat you into doing what he wants.

PlanDeRaccordement · 18/09/2021 15:51

@Yankee63

We only have 18mth left on mortgage 7k He looks at it as, he’s paid more than me because of interest added on mortgage ?

After 18mths up, do I get rid then? As he will be 50% owner then ?

If you want out. Why wait? He’s already 50% owner of the value of the house minus the £80k you have ring fenced. You don’t have to have mortgage paid off to sell the house and go your separate ways.
Brollywasntneededafterall · 18/09/2021 15:52

So you are the bad guy but he stuck his dick in another woman?
Mm think not op...
Keep your money. And your self respect and Ltb.

Original poster
Yankee63 · 18/09/2021 15:58

RealBecca

I think I have forgiven him, it’s just this blasted my 80k ringfenced.
He brings it up in every argument, how it’s not fair I have this, and he’s paying the mortgage alone plus the interest added so he’s paid more
I have said from the beginning I would pay half the mortgage, but then I have 75% share. No No he didn’t won’t that, so he paid the mortgage albeit my name also being on it
With this being brought up in arguments it puts doubt in my mind !
I have said once the mortgage is paid off
18mths I will get rid as then we each have paid 50% each.
When he cheated this is what brought all this to a head and it’s always brought up by him. He thinks I have a threat over him. Wish I’d never put the bloody deposit down now.

We go round in circles every time it’s brought up

We both have our own bank accts, he pays the mortgage himself and we have joint acct for other bills .

OP posts:
Yummymummy2020 · 18/09/2021 16:04

I’m suspicious of him.protect your investment!!!!

Brollywasntneededafterall · 18/09/2021 16:08

So he shagged someone to punish you for protecting your assets?
Christ what a catch.

PlanDeRaccordement · 18/09/2021 16:09

You can have forgiven him for cheating, but still not want to release the £80k. The two aren’t linked. You don’t gift someone £40k to prove you’ve forgiven them. And anyone who demands proof of forgiveness in the form of money is manipulative.

HFAL123 · 18/09/2021 16:21

See I am reading this completely differently to everyone else it seems, but from my point of view you both have contributed £80k to buy the house, the difference being he has raised the funds by paying a mortgage but you have had the money outright. So both of you have contributed the same amount (once the mortgage has been fully repaid), so I kind of do see where he is coming from. As awful as the cheating is, I do think you need to take the emotion out of this a second & look at it purely financially, because that’s how it will be dealt with if you were to separate.

You contributed £80k outright & didn’t pay any mortgage contribution.
He (you both) took a mortgage but he has repaid that on his own. Therefore by the time he repays that mortgage you will have both contributed £80k.

I think your £80k should have been protected, but on a sliding scale, so for instance as the capital of the mortgage reduces by £10k so does your protection.

If you were to sell the property now you should both be entitled to half, but he should be solely responsible for repaying any outstanding mortgage balance.

I hope I have made sense & I hope you can come to a resolution that is the best situation for you.

Original poster
Yankee63 · 18/09/2021 16:22

No he didn’t shag someone be off protecting assets, it’s only been brought up after affair because we were going to split up and each saw a solicitor

I presume it was , I DONT know exactly
I was extremely depressed and high anxiety going through menopause, without realising it was menopause infused !
he said it just happened he was and was hard to get out off. Who knows ?

My question is

I’m aibu still having this 80k protected after 18yrs
AND
After mortgage is finished we will be officially 50/50 owners ? So wait till then

OP posts:
RandomMess · 18/09/2021 16:45

Your suggestion is perfectly fair and reasonable. Once he's paid off his half then it's changed and it's 50:50.

It's not your fault you had the money to pay your half cash. He has still benefitted from a low interest rate due to the low loan to equity ratio. He has benefitted from a nicer home than he would have had if you hadn't had the deposit.

He could have gone halves on mortgage and let you own 75% and had it paid off more quickly and saved interest.

His complaint is basically that it's not fair you had enough to buy 50% when he didn't - it's a nuts argument.

Why have you never married?

It sounds like a stick to best you with and deflect from the fact he has an affair.

Notaroadrunner · 18/09/2021 16:52

How much has he solely paid on the mortgage since buying the house? Have you paid anything at all towards the mortgage? If he has paid the mortgage on his own, are the rest of the bills split between you?

Aquamarine1029 · 18/09/2021 16:56

I think your partner is shady as fuck. I wouldn't trust him any further than I could throw him. Protect your money/assets at all costs.

ChargingBuck · 18/09/2021 17:06

@Aquamarine1029

I think your partner is shady as fuck. I wouldn't trust him any further than I could throw him. Protect your money/assets at all costs.
Ditto, Aqua.

Given the previous cheating, & the current insistence on engineering arguments so he can berate to try & force her to abandon the ringfencing, I'd hazard a guess that he's more interested in cash than his partner, & is already making exit plans.

From what OP has said (sorry I am still not fully clear), if she waits until the mortgage terms ends, they will each own 50% anyway - OP, is this what you meant? - that the ringfence clause would no longer apply at end of term?

If that's the case, & they are both set to end up as 50% owners in only 18 months time - why the FUCK is he agitating about it now? What is going on, that he cannot wait 18 months?

I think he wants to take the money & run.

SvartePetter · 18/09/2021 17:22

Either he is trying to cheat you out of money or he is stupid and don't understand how mortgages and personal finances work.

You buy together a house 50/50. You pay 50% upfront but you also do him the favour of being on the mortgage so that he can borrow the 50% he needs, likely at a better rate. You probably also made it possible for him to get a better property at the time.

He needs to finance his 50%. Since he doesn't have it, he needs to borrow it. Because no bank will lend free of charge he has to pay for the service =interest. If he thinks that he has paid more than you then he is just thick. He has paid more because he didn't have the money upfront. Tell him that if that is the way he thinks then you could have stuck your money in an investment account and made 6-7% per year and you have lost out on passive income because you have helped him.

Be careful.

Original poster
Yankee63 · 18/09/2021 18:03

Please read throughly

I’ll try and answer your questions

Never married because I’ve been married before and didn’t want to at the time he asked me and not that bothered now really

Think he’s angry that the ringfenced doesn’t say
“ when his 50% is paid off it ceases”
Basically it’s left open, not my fault

He’s paid off about 73k owes 7k 18mths left on mortgage

I have not got it changed or given in because
In any arguments we have about our relationship
He always brings it up, I can argue till I’m blue in the face about what people have said up thread about mortgage and payments/and me paying my full whack upfront. It isn’t having it, we go round in circles.
This makes me think 🤔 why isn’t he getting this it’s not rocket science .
Alternative motive, but if that was the case if could of got out years ago and still walk away with what he’d paid in & more.
Just don’t get it , perhaps I shows how him this thread
But then he’d say I’m discussing it with women
Who are money grabbers any way
This as put a massive strain on our relationship over the years.

OP posts:
TempName01 · 18/09/2021 18:10

If you paid off the remaining 7k today, what would he want to do with the house?