To think that being just a "girlfriend" in later life is a big risk?

[workwoes123]

My friends father is in hospital. He's 92, has various ailments, and has caught Covid. Until now he's been living at home with his girlfriend of many, many years.

My friend and the girlfriend don't really get on. Her mother died when she and her sister were in their teens. When they were adults, the father got together with the girlfriend and has lived with her ever since. She was also widowed, and has adult children (who live in a different country). She has never been their mother, or tried to be.

The father is a very successful businessman, has plenty of money. He's a real old-school patriarch. He has always expected everyone in the family to jump when he clicks his fingers. His girlfriend has never worked, he has and continues to pay all the bills for both their lives over the years (they live overseas and have servants to do all their domestic / caring work, always have).

My friend is already saying that there's no way she is going to keep paying the girlfriend's living expenses if her father dies. She is aware of the contents of her fathers will, and they do not include leaving anything for the girlfriend. The girlfriend has relied on the father for everything financially for years. Their apartment is rented, and he pays the rent. But she's in her 80s now - she can't exactly go out and get a job! Her own children will have to step in and provide for her I guess.

I can see my friend's pov but I really feel for the girlfriend. She has ended up in a really vulnerable position - although she's had all her bills paid for and her lifestyle supported all these years, she'll come out of it with nothing to live on. She doesn't own anything and they have never married.

I have another friend who's MIL is in the same position - relying on her better-off partner financially as her own pension is so small, living in his property, not married and unlikely to be provided for in a will.

Is my friend being unreasonable to not carry on where her father will eventually leave off?

Hmm. Not always that simple. What if she’d been kind to him and cared for him for years and your were kids confident very successful wealthy adults in their own right? You would really want an elderly lady thrown out with absolutely no provision made? Most clients with large estates don’t see it like that.

It's a difficult situation, and no on really wants to talk about their death, but whether they are married or not, there is still the matter of the will.

What is your actual AIBU ? Is it about being a 'girlfriend' or your friend's actions?

It's cruel to leave the girlfriend with nothing - your friend should give her a lump sum. Also @VodselForDinner if it's a poor, developing country laws to protect wives are probably non-existent and even if they were who would pay the lawyer's fees for taking it to court - not the girlfriend (if she really has no money of her own), and legal aid is also probably non-existent.

Also it's not the unmarried part that's the issue but her not being given anything in the will/had any assets in her name like property or a joint bank account.

Also I can see why your friend doesn't like her - you never said she'd give her nothing?
She's simply refusing to keep her in the style she's been accustomed to.
Which of the 2 is it

This is why you have to teach your daughters to become financially independent.

Never rely on a man to see you through life.

Looking back, best lesson I ever got from my mum at the age of 8.
Even though they were together for 70 years.....

@TractorAndHeadphones

You are quite right: I realised that my AIBU had got garbled when I hit Post... I think I started off with 'AIBU to think that it's really risky to still be 'just' a girlfriend when you're not married and you have no other means to support yourself should your partner die and not provide for you in his will" to "is my friend BU to not financially support her father's long-term girlfriend who has never worked in her life"? I think my confused AIBU reflects how difficult this situation is.

I don't think my friend will leave the girlfriend high and dry, so to speak. But she will definitely expect the girlfriend's children to step up and organise care and finance for their mother rather than her living costs to continue to be funded from her father's estate.

But she will definitely expect the girlfriend's children to step up and organise care and finance for their mother rather than her living costs to continue to be funded from her father's estate

I wonder if I’m alone in hoping Dad’s changed his will and your friend won’t get a penny.

@Blossomtoes

But she will definitely expect the girlfriend's children to step up and organise care and finance for their mother rather than her living costs to continue to be funded from her father's estate

I wonder if I’m alone in hoping Dad’s changed his will and your friend won’t get a penny.

Probably not, but I certainly don't feel the way you do. Especially if it's true that the girlfriend hasn't done any caring and expected servants/the daughter to sort that out when the man was ill.

@Notaroadrunner

She's 80 years old. How much care does your friend expect her to do for him? You mentioned they have staff to do domestic work and caring work so of course they should be doing it. And it's not a bad thing to call on a dc to come and help but your friend is equally entitled to say no, and leave the care work to the staff who are paid to do it. Maybe your friend is concerned over nothing. Her father's partner may already have her own plans made for if he dies first.

This^^

@MsTSwift

If she was relying on him financially and living with him but entirely left out of his will she can make a claim on his estate.

This is very true. She’ll be able to prove she depends on him ( I work in probate).

well i do hope the now elderly girlfriend contests the will , i do think your friend is being really cruel to consider cutting this old dear off knowing she wont have anything , unless shes really been shafted by her in the past than theres not any need for it other than sheer greed and she wants all the money herself , personally as im that kind of blunt person that speaks their mind id be telling your friend what i thought of it and we probably wouldnt be friends after that lol

She's in her 80s...

Sorry that was in response to @DrSbaitso but quote got lost. This is also all secondhand from a friend who, let's face it, probably only saw a snapshot of their lives anyway

@Pheasantlysurprised

One more reason to encourage your daughters to become financially self reliant from a young age.

I am often embarrassed at the sheer amount of discussion relating to dependence upon marriage and men on mumsnet.

Agree. It's OK as she'll have inherited from her first husband... What a bastard to leave her penniless. What about her responsibility to provide?

It’s pretty difficult to know what to,say without knowing where they are and what laws apply. It’s all very well with us wading in with our opinions but they could all be completely irrelevant if their county of residence’s laws don’t tie in with them.

I wouldn’t remarry in my old age precisely because I wouldn’t want any inheritance complications. Having a relationship is fine, but at that point, I’m not interested in forming an economic partnership with anyone. The assets I have acquired during my lifetime have been built while with my spouse. If he dies before me, no relationships I have after him should interfere with leaving that financial legacy to the child we shared.

The problem isn’t being a girlfriend in old age. The problem is not making those lines clear and letting her get into a position where she is not financially independent.

I wouldn’t be surprised if there is a lot this ‘D’D of his doesn’t know.
There may be no money or savings
Or the money could be in her name
She may have her own personal wealth
There may be an updated will
Who knows.
Either way, your friend shouldn’t count her chickens.

As others have said, your friend is BU.

I imagine your friend's father will have provided for his long term partner, if not in his will. She may have a tidy sum tucked away and why not?

How can your friend be so confident of the contents of her father's will? It's entirely possible it's been rewritten since she last saw it.

It's also possible that significant assets your friend thinks her father owns are actually in his partner's name.

@HollowTalk

If he has got so much money and he is so successful then why is he renting a place? I think your friend doesn't know everything about their financial situation.

I agree. If Dad lives overseas, how does his daughter know so much about his finances ? He may well have less money than daughter thinks he has - he wouldn't be the first person to "look rich" when they are not. Having servants / carers doesn't cost much in many Asian countries, for instance. You can live very well on very little in areas like that. And his partner may well have feathered her own nest over the years - I doubt that she'd be thrown out on the street after all this time.

Your friend sounds horrible - saying she wouldn't assist his partner. That's why I made sure to marry my DH under similar circumstances - his DC have no great love for me and if we were not married they'd totally leave me out of their calculations.

But anyway, as others have said, your friend might get a shock when the time comes ! And being overseas, she wouldn't have much input into the situation .

Your friend is really nasty.

This isn't about being the girlfriend or not though. It's about a couple thinking about the future - having a joint account, putting money or property in her name and so on, or, in the case of younger couples, making sure that the woman (usually the one to give up financial independence) maintains this and never gives it up for a man.

The "girlfriend" probably has her own assets and savings tucked away somewhere.

In some countries a live in girlfriend of many years will count as a common law wife for all practical purposes.

A man I knew used his wife’s money (she had had a large settlement after an accident that left her disabled) to set up 2 businesses. Throughout their marriage he was having an affair with another woman (over 40 years). He had no children by either woman. Closest relatives were nieces on his wife’s side who were close to his wife and helped her considerably, one of whom lived with them.

His wife died and everything went to her husband. He died less than a year later. When his will was read he had left everything to his mistress and his wife’s nieces, we’re left nothing.

Wife’s niece ended up turfed out of the house and mistress’s niece ended up with everything, when mistress died less than a year later!

And his partner may well have feathered her own nest over the years - I doubt that she'd be thrown out on the street after all this time.
She may well have her own assets (or feathered her own nest as pp likes to imply it was done at others expense). Either way the OPs friend is a very unpleasant person.