To think that being just a "girlfriend" in later life is a big risk?

[workwoes123]

My friends father is in hospital. He's 92, has various ailments, and has caught Covid. Until now he's been living at home with his girlfriend of many, many years.

My friend and the girlfriend don't really get on. Her mother died when she and her sister were in their teens. When they were adults, the father got together with the girlfriend and has lived with her ever since. She was also widowed, and has adult children (who live in a different country). She has never been their mother, or tried to be.

The father is a very successful businessman, has plenty of money. He's a real old-school patriarch. He has always expected everyone in the family to jump when he clicks his fingers. His girlfriend has never worked, he has and continues to pay all the bills for both their lives over the years (they live overseas and have servants to do all their domestic / caring work, always have).

My friend is already saying that there's no way she is going to keep paying the girlfriend's living expenses if her father dies. She is aware of the contents of her fathers will, and they do not include leaving anything for the girlfriend. The girlfriend has relied on the father for everything financially for years. Their apartment is rented, and he pays the rent. But she's in her 80s now - she can't exactly go out and get a job! Her own children will have to step in and provide for her I guess.

I can see my friend's pov but I really feel for the girlfriend. She has ended up in a really vulnerable position - although she's had all her bills paid for and her lifestyle supported all these years, she'll come out of it with nothing to live on. She doesn't own anything and they have never married.

I have another friend who's MIL is in the same position - relying on her better-off partner financially as her own pension is so small, living in his property, not married and unlikely to be provided for in a will.

Is my friend being unreasonable to not carry on where her father will eventually leave off?

I think its the father thats being unreasonable.

That's really sad. I hate to think of anyone being left destitute at that age. Your friend doesn't sound very nice.

I hope that there is some kind of legal protection for the partner in the country where they live.

@Ginghamize

My dad is in a similar position and we recently pressed him to think about his will and make his preferences really explicit when it came to the girlfriend & his estate. So we could do the right thing despite his will leaving it all to us, us having POA etc. He found it so hard to talk about and ended up writing on a napkin "Please be kind to Girlfriendname" and throwing it at us in a melodramatic way

Sounds like Charles II and Nell Gwynn...

Your friend may be aware of the contents of the will (or, rather, the contents of the will the last time she was updated) but if she and the man's partner don't get on it may well be that he has already set up his lady love with everything she will need without telling his grown up, independent children. He could have moved all his assets into her name already, for all you and your friend know.
Wills fallouts are interesting and chickens should never be counted!

Please be kind to girlfriend reminds me of sense and sensibility where father makes son promise on death bed to be kind to his second wife and two girls. Then son’s wife persuades him that father didn’t mean financially.
If man who has lived with her for years doesn’t want her to inherit anything then I don’t see how it’s friends moral obligation to go against that.

This is why I've always been financially independent
Worked
Paid into pension
Bought my own property
Not relying on anyone else

@Porfre

Wasn't it the Marquess of Bath who had a load of "wifelets" who were all financially dependent on him.

He didnt leave them anything and some had to move out of their houses.

Yes and one of them was adamant he told her she could live in a grace and favour cottage forever (lol) and only managed to be turfed out by the son a few months ago. And then she went whinging to the press about how unfair it was.

She got zero sympathy whatsoever.

I agree with your friend. Go by what the will says. Plenty of options for the girlfriend - use her own savings, her children can help, or the state.

@Dixiechickonhols exactly, we have been constantly doing the "a little cottage is always very snug" scene from the Emma Thompson film as we discuss it!!!! We know with the best intentions money always brings out the flaws in relationships so we do think it's not fair to leave it on us. But hey ho that's the way it looks like going.

@RobinWoodPrinceofLeaves

I agree with your friend. Go by what the will says. Plenty of options for the girlfriend - use her own savings, her children can help, or the state.

You’re assuming she has savings (where would they have come from?), is on speaking terms with her children or that there is a welfare state where she lives. None of which may be true. I really hope he’s made provision for her in some way, imagine finding yourself with nothing in your 80s.

We have a not too dissimilar situation although in this case it is a second wife, but the house is in a trust for DFIL's children. DFIL died in Febuary we are trying to negotiate some sort of arrangement.

TBH I have some sympathy for his GF. However she has had ample time to work and save money for herself over the years .While no one would wish to see an old lady turfed out onto the streets ,surely she would have to accept a downsize and certainly not have servants? Your friends mother presumably looked after her when she was a child ,therefore you could argue that a good percentage of the money her father has ,was built up with his first wifes support!

you could argue that a good percentage of the money her father has ,was built up with his first wifes support!

Unlikely. If the friend’s mum died when she was a teenager, the marriage was probably shorter than the relationship with the current partner.

Blossomtoes This is true of course .However the father had met his current partner when the friend was older .therefore partner not needing to be at home to care for a young child .She seems to have had a fairly easy time of it ,with servants and not having to work!

She didn't "take a risk" by being in a relationship with your friend's father.She "took a risk" by choosing not to work, & voluntarily sacrificing her financial independence

She’s in her 80s and is herself a widow from her marriage. It’s clearly a later life relationship. We are not talking about a healthy 35 year old who has lost her partner who’s will leaves everything to his own mother.

She would be better off looking after her and keeping her happy but keeping everything in her name. If she contests it and get the money then no doubt she will leave it to her own defendants and your friend will end up with nothing.

The father and his girlfriend have been together for 40-ish years.

My friend had tried to ask her father what he expects them or her to do after he dies: like a pp describes he just waves them away, refuses to discuss it. He doesn’t talk fondly of her at all - like I said, he’s not a nice man. For some years he’s acted like he doesn’t really want her around - but never did anything about it. Old and very stuck in his / their ways I guess. They are both from an era / class where it was very normal for men to work and for women to be supported financially- though usually the woman would be protected not marriage and motherhood: not in this case.

Not sure what her relationship with her own children is. My friend has never met them, they never visit their mother though she used to visit them.

There is no state support or aid where they live: your family is your pension / care home / support in old age.

Maybe this woman shouldn't have decided to live off of someone else's money for the majority of her life.

She made her bed. Either she can figure something out or her kids can. Don't think it's down to your friend. She is not a relative.

@Getawaywithit

She didn't "take a risk" by being in a relationship with your friend's father.She "took a risk" by choosing not to work, & voluntarily sacrificing her financial independence

She’s in her 80s and is herself a widow from her marriage. It’s clearly a later life relationship. We are not talking about a healthy 35 year old who has lost her partner who’s will leaves everything to his own mother.

Been together 40 years. She could have worked for 25 of those.

We’re all assuming they’re in a country where women are allowed financial independence. There’s a lot of the world where that isn’t the case.

They are both expats - though maybe colonialists would be more accurate ! He moved there with his first wife 60+ years ago. The country itself is a poor, developing country, very much so. Local laws don’t apply to the colonialists tbh.

Your friend may be in for a shock.

The laws where they live may recognise cohabitation and the girlfriend could have a claim.

They may have secretly been married.

It’s tricky I spend quite a lot of time professionally trying to resolve this. To do right by the partner but to ultimately protect the children’s inheritance. Thinking about it is often an older wealthy lady and slightly younger man scenario. Give him a right of occupation for a set time scale and a small slice of the overall pot is the usual outcome.

Wow. The gf has obviously kept the dad happy in his old age I think you should mention your feelings to your friend and inspite of her never liking her so the right thing and give her some ££ to live on

Looking at the point of view of being the main earner in the relationship.

If I was to die, and my husband remarried. I would want all the assets to go to my kids not to the new woman.