To think that being just a "girlfriend" in later life is a big risk?

[workwoes123]

My friends father is in hospital. He's 92, has various ailments, and has caught Covid. Until now he's been living at home with his girlfriend of many, many years.

My friend and the girlfriend don't really get on. Her mother died when she and her sister were in their teens. When they were adults, the father got together with the girlfriend and has lived with her ever since. She was also widowed, and has adult children (who live in a different country). She has never been their mother, or tried to be.

The father is a very successful businessman, has plenty of money. He's a real old-school patriarch. He has always expected everyone in the family to jump when he clicks his fingers. His girlfriend has never worked, he has and continues to pay all the bills for both their lives over the years (they live overseas and have servants to do all their domestic / caring work, always have).

My friend is already saying that there's no way she is going to keep paying the girlfriend's living expenses if her father dies. She is aware of the contents of her fathers will, and they do not include leaving anything for the girlfriend. The girlfriend has relied on the father for everything financially for years. Their apartment is rented, and he pays the rent. But she's in her 80s now - she can't exactly go out and get a job! Her own children will have to step in and provide for her I guess.

I can see my friend's pov but I really feel for the girlfriend. She has ended up in a really vulnerable position - although she's had all her bills paid for and her lifestyle supported all these years, she'll come out of it with nothing to live on. She doesn't own anything and they have never married.

I have another friend who's MIL is in the same position - relying on her better-off partner financially as her own pension is so small, living in his property, not married and unlikely to be provided for in a will.

Is my friend being unreasonable to not carry on where her father will eventually leave off?

Your friend would be so disgusting as to make an elderly lady homeless and with no means to feed herself?

Your friend is revolting.

For those saying they can't be wealthy if they are renting. He might have downsized as he aged, but wanted to live in an expensive city centre. Property ownership varies from country to country. Some countries embrace renting and there are some beautiful really old big house converted into apartments. There's no hassle to living there, all repairs etc are done for you. Who do you think are renting properties in the UK which are £kkkks a week?

I would hope your friends father has amended his will to include his long term partner and provide for her when he dies, as he would with a wife. He may have done so and not bothered to tell his money grabbing dc. So yes, your friend might be in for a bit of a shock and with her attitude regarding her father's partner, I hope she is.

She will have her own adult children to assist her in this matter when the time comes.

In any case, if she was also widowed many years ago, she may be financially comfortable in her own right, but your friend won't necessarily know about it. People of that generation are often reticent about other people knowing their business or personal circumstances.

If she is a widow then surely she had her own inheritance from that? It’s not really your friends responsibility to provide for her, particularly when she has her own children.

If he has pensions he might have named her as his “spouse” live in partner so she will get a pension. I would be very surprised if he has not sorted anything out. Wills can be changed at anytime and your friend may not be seeing the latest will.

Her dad and girlfriend have clearly been together decades and I would like to think she's not actually that cruel to leave an old lady homeless.

However, I think she will have some stake to a claim so I hope you're friend is in for a shock.

@MsTSwift

If she was relying on him financially and living with him but entirely left out of his will she can make a claim on his estate.

This.

But it’s a fight.

My friend was living with someone for 10 years prior to his death with everything 50:50 estate went to his children she was given 28 days to vacate the house.

@Ponoka7 Yes I agree. My father was very comfortably off, but sold up to rent a flat in retirement complex after my mum died. He made the decision to completely downsize before he died, and it certainly made sorting out the estate much more straightforward.

Nobody knows how this will end. Suggest your friend don't count her chickens yet.

1. The final will your friend may have seen might not be the definitive one. Perhaps the gf has seen another version.
2. Nationals of one country and the death in another country where they are resident. Sounds good for lawyers . (Jarndyce etc) Might be more practical to come to an accommodation.

I know of an 80 year old woman who has just reunited with her ex-husband (they were married for a few years over 40 years ago)....lovely story but she has given up her council flat to move into his 3-bed home. They have been together 18 months now and will not be remarrying. He does not have DC but I worry for her future financially if he dies first.
I have encouraged her to have the conversation regarding wills and finance.

I don't know what the law is where they live, but I'd be surprised if this woman can't contest the will.

She didn't "take a risk" by being in a relationship with your friend's father.

She "took a risk" by choosing not to work, & voluntarily sacrificing her financial independence.

Renting: they live overseas in a country where land / property purchases are strictly controlled and nationals only. They live a very nice lifestyle, only recently curtailed by his failing health. He's not retired! Still doing business deals up until a couple of years ago, still going out hunting and drinking with his cronies.

According to my friend, the girlfriend does very little to help when he is sick, which is one of the reasons my friend doesn't like her. She either gets the servants to care for him or calls my friend, who's expected to drop everything and fly out to them.

The girlfriend has adult children living in her own country. My friend feels that they should be the ones to 'rescue' their mother. Maybe she does have her own resources to fall back on, but as far as my friend is aware she does not, as her father pays for everything. She sometimes calls my friend to complain about how badly her father treats her (he is an unpleasant man tbf) but clearly she has nowhere else to go now.

I know she is now elderly but in all that time she had opportunity to squirrel funds away and perhaps did not. Or provide for herself and this eventuality. If her DF hasn't made provisions for her that's it.

I dont see your friend as heartless. Perhaps her DF worked it out like this for his DC to inherit which is exactly what I'm doing.

One more reason to encourage your daughters to become financially self reliant from a young age.

I am often embarrassed at the sheer amount of discussion relating to dependence upon marriage and men on mumsnet.

Wasn't it the Marquess of Bath who had a load of "wifelets" who were all financially dependent on him.

He didnt leave them anything and some had to move out of their houses.

She's 80 years old. How much care does your friend expect her to do for him? You mentioned they have staff to do domestic work and caring work so of course they should be doing it. And it's not a bad thing to call on a dc to come and help but your friend is equally entitled to say no, and leave the care work to the staff who are paid to do it. Maybe your friend is concerned over nothing. Her father's partner may already have her own plans made for if he dies first.

At 20 I didn't understand this. At 40, I do.

YABU to generalise,

I will be fine if I am ever ‘just’ a girlfriend in this situation because I have taken care to make sure I have had independent financial security throughout my life. Kept my job, pension etc.

I’m damned if I would marry someone with no assets or income of their own and let them inherit half my property to the detriment of my children.

Far too many men marry a younger woman, due and leave it all to her, and his first marriage kids are left not a bean.

What tight does anyone have to live in someone else’s money, unless they are part of a team-based household, doing the childcare, parenting etc?

Also, she has been living with him for years. She is his partner, not ‘girlfriend’.

I don’t actually think that the friends have any moral obligation towards a woman who is not their mother, anymore than she does to them, especially given she has children of her own.

I wouldn’t marry again if I was widowed or divorced. That money is for my children.

EdgeOfTheSky
I agree with you. There's a lot of people on here who rightfully think adults should be free to remain legally separate from another adult if they want, and there's also a lot of threads where children have found themselves disinherited because their parent's new spouse gets everything, then passes it to their children.

I find it hard to get on board with many arguments that an adult should be automatically be entitled to someone else's assets when neither party has made the deliberate step to legally bind them.

It's always a risk to become financially dependent on someone without any protections in place.

A man who has built up that much of a fortune knows enough about money to know about wills and inheritance. He'll do what he wants.

I’d assume there’s a good reason the father hasn’t provided for gf in will. Her stepping in and giving money to gf is going against his wishes. She could ask him what provision he’s made and if he’d like her to do anything for gf but she’s under no obligation. Girlfriend is an adult and presumably has her own financial arrangements don’t assume anything eg she could have had large inheritance or own a rental property.