To ask for your secrets you're taking to the grave

[FuckingFabulous]

Lighthearted, and risk free. Given that this is all anonymous and all that.

When I was fourteen, I was out with my friend after drama club. It was winter and dark and fucking freezing but I was sweating as well as shivering. We were walking to her grandma's house in the next village where I was getting picked up by my stepdad in about an hour. I was quite clearly ill, but my mum had not believed me and sent me to a long day at school. As we were walking, my belly churned and I knew that there was gastric trouble afoot. I excused myself into an innocent looking field for "a wee" but I knew it was not that. Thankfully, there were no street lights at all, so even if someone had come past, they'd not have seen. It was pitch black. My friend kept watch while my bowels evacuated what seemed like water and slime for about five minutes and sweat dripped off my body onto the ground, I can remember how much I was shaking and how I had the weirdest taste of metal in my mouth. When the onslaught ended, I didn't know how to wipe my bum. I took off my school tie, wiped with that and then had no idea what to do so I just discarded it at the scene and shamefully scuttled back to my friend. I was then off school for a week with some kind of horrible intestinal infection.

But the field. The quiet little field I'd chosen to slip over the fence into. It was a graveyard. And I'd relieved myself right next to a war grave. Right before armistice. And left my school tie there. How do I know? Because it was in the school newsletter as a "regrettable incident" and anyone with information as to who the culprit was could report in confidence to the headteacher. I expect the groundskeeper reported it to the school. Even my mum tutted about no respect. Thank god it was over 20 years ago. Nowadays it would have trended with a hashtag and a witch hunt.

And now I have finally told the tale. What's yours?

@ShaneTheThird

Oh I do have a minor one. When I was 12 I slept over at my best friends house and we hacked into a mutual friends msn account. Said friend was obsessed and spent every day going to the library to use msn. So we hacked her account to see who she was speaking to and found hundreds of names. Instantly a few popped up to chat and we realized they were adult men and not other 12 year olds. So we decided after a few disturbing conversations when we realised most of her contacts were random men we changed her password then deleted her account. She was so angry when she couldn't retrieve her account and we pretended that it must have been a glitch and we had problems on our msn. Neither of us ever told her the truth that we deleted her account.

That's actually a really sensible and mature thing to do and probabaly saved her in one way or another

@Feduphairymclary

My best friend did my GCSE maths coursework for me, for the price of 3 rides on the waltzers at the fair and a bone for his dog. He had done his a year early and was really good at it, I was in the bottom set and hopeless. Overall I got a B and I am convinced that the high marks that came from the coursework bumped the average up a lot!

I also was tipsy when I took my French oral A Level exam. I am quite shy so I necked a quarter of a bottle of cherry brandy that I had decanted from my parents booze cupboard into my flask before going into the exam. I passed.

I drank a bottle of prosecco before my Politics exam. (Not in the UK)

Got a B. I did tell my parents though. They were .... unsurprised.

@fifiwenttotheend wtf? I work in a bank and I have never heard of anything like that before.

@boombadoom It really happened! In London, outer central line stop, nice area!

I’m realthoping that no one need ever know that, now I’ve hit my forties, nature wants me to grow quite an impressive goatee.

@languagelover96

Once I was in a GCSE math exam. I did not realise my mom was ringing me because of some family emergency and so my phone went off mid exam. Luckily no one else was in the room with me due to exam concessions.

how is this a secret you’d take to the grave

@AuntMargo

I am one of those you nicks other staff members milk from work fridge, no matter how many emails get sent out I still do it !!

I really hate people who do that. Hope someone puts laxatives in the milk one day.

Op by hanky I meant tissue
Having chronic bowel disorder I can understand so many stories.
As for me all I will say is than I am not as good and innocent as dh thinks. I am not proud of things so thats the way they stay.

For Year 7 sports day, I entered into the 1500 metres as I thought I was pretty decent at running. Sports day took place outside of school on a massive playing field where you just hung around with your mates, waiting for your event to be called. I was too busy mucking around and missed the announcement for my race. I told my parents I came first (it was out of 8. I was going to say something more realistic but thought, if I was going to lie anyway...) They were really pleased. (Parents didn't come to ours).

Over the next year, I put on quite a bit of weight and got really out of shape. Partly puberty, mostly comfort eating. I was talked into doing the 1500 metres again "Because you did so well last time". I couldn't even finish it. I was very embarrassed and very upset but couldn't bring myself to tell them and just said I came first again.
For Years 9 and 10, I skipped sports day entirely and just told them each time that I won the race.
During Year 11, I got back into sports and my PE teacher noticed and got me to sign up again to do it. I came second and was extremely pleased. I didn't lie about it. My (lovely) PE teacher saw my mum and I in the shops a week or so later and said well done. She mentioned that I'd done much better than previous years.

When she'd gone, my mum, rather put out on my behalf, asked what she was talking about. I lied and said that the PE teacher routinely got me mixed up with another girl.

She lives near my parents and, every time my mum sees her around, she brings up "that bloody teacher who couldn't even be bothered to remember who you were" when I ring her. And my entire family have been told about my (almost perfect) sporting successes. I've had to bribe my brothers and plead with my friends not to tell my parents. And allowed the slander of a really good PE teacher.
It's by no means the worst thing, but it's brought up so often by my parents (and consequently lied about so often by me) that I don't think I'll ever really be able to tell them.

@noblegreenk

Just thought of another. In my first full time job age 17, the assistant manager was a complete bitch. She bullied me quite badly and used to humiliate me in front of the rest of the office. One day, she sent me to make her a cup of tea after she'd embarrassed me for the umpteenth time that week. I had a horrific head cold and cough, one of the worst ones I've ever had. So I hacked up a load of green phlegm, spat it in her tea and stirred it in really well. I also licked all around the rim of the mug. When I gave her the tea, she took a swig and said "oooh that's a good cuppa, at least you can do something right!" Any trace of guilt I felt immediately disappeared with that comment.

Absolutely disgusting. No excuse.

I hate that men like @Suetully can use mumsnet, even using female names and when they expose themselves for the misogynist creeps they are, just name change and continue to lurk

I wouldn't worry about the phlegm in the tea one. It's the kind of story that always makes these threads, but is highly unlikely to be real. Maybe the mug got licked, maybe there was even spit, but a huge wad of green phlegm that just dissolved perfectly into the drink? And then didn't taste revolting, in fact the mark even commented on how good it was?

It's always a good story but it isn't a true one.

@Beckso89

My male cousin and I used to strip naked to look at each other’s private parts. We were very young and I only have flashes of memories of it. I doubt my cousin would even remember. I do recall that we both knew we weren’t supposed to be doing it because when we heard someone coming we would scramble to put our clothes back on. I can’t remember at all what led to it or how it started but I could never tell a soul in real life.

Don't be ashamed. Kids do that. I did exactly the same with my cousin. We were also very very young and just body curious as we obviously had different parts. I think it's just realising the differences!

I will share one that I wish I didn't know but I do.

I have many many cringey stories about myself but I'm too embarrassed to put them.

So a relative told me that my aunty on my dad's side regularly cheated on her husband, my uncle. There was times I didn't like her when younger due to the way she treated her dogs. But this really makes me curl my nose up.

She was shagging a friend of her husband's and her youngest child, my female cousin is the result of this.

When I look at her, it's so obvious as we have quite a prominent nose on my dad's side. Her older brother looks very much like their dad but the family nose is there. She has a much rounder, bulbous nose and both of the parents had strong pointer noses. I'm sure when she was younger, she mentioned it. I felt awful deep inside seeing her put posts about her dad and how her grandmother that wasn't her grandmother dying earlier this year.

I feel sick knowing and she doesn't but I cannot throw the hand grenade into her life. I just cannot. I never asked to know, I was told and I cannot be untold now.

Does this make me a bad person? Her relationship with her mother is up and down at the best of times.

Pointier*

I hate that men like @Suetully can use mumsnet, even using female names and when they expose themselves for the misogynist creeps they are, just name change and continue to lurk

How is he a misogynist or a creep?
There is plenty of women calling other women bitches etc on this thread and others. I thought his story was funny and it was when he was a child and it's nothing compared to some of the other stuff here.

My parents left me aged 16 with some semi sensible when sober friends home alone while they went on holiday. All was OK until the night before they were due home and it all went to shit.
We went out drinking in town and were planning on getting the bus back but there was this guy who I just idolised out also and he offered to drive me and another friend home, he was hammered and we climbed into his van (no seats) and him and his friend drove us home, it was completely terrifying and somehow made it back safe. They came in, my other friends then rocked up with two more guys, one of which i also had a crush on. Anyway after much drinking one friend slept with drink driver in my parents bed, he then drank a whole bottle of souvenir wine and vomited on the sea grass carpet, another friend slept with the guy I had a crush on on my sofa. I somehow kissed one of the friends who I didn't even like. I was then at 7am very hungover trying to clean red wine and curry vomit off my parents rug before they got home.
There were many photos taken which we deleted after our night of mayhem. My parents know of the sofa sex incident as I felt I had to give them something to stop asking questions but they don't know anything else.
11 years later and I have a daughter and this fills me with fear everytime I think of it.

Oh and when I was 8 I carved fuck into the bathroom wall at school and tried to frame another girl. Unfortunately I did not get away with it 😂

When my grandad died my mum, her cousin and my step grandmother who was vile all went to Wales to scatter him with his first wide, my grandmother. This was his wish. My step grandmother couldn't make it down the rocky path so it was just me my mum and her cousin but she had asked us to keep some ashes so she could take them back to Spain and scatter them there. We all got to the beach and decided we weren't going to do that and scattered them all, as was his wish.
We went back and met her at a pub, before going in We gathered a few handfuls of gravel and dust from the car park and put them in the empty bag from the ashes. She took them back to Spain and scattered some carpark there. We never felt guilty as she was pretty vile to him and all of us.
She's now dead and after she died we realised she had stolen my mums inheritance from her mum and her dad and given it to her druggie son. So yeah, never felt guilty!

I used to smuggle a just17 out of the newsagents every week for a couple of years when I was 12/13 I’m sure they knew but never bothered.

I also used to take my dads empty glass Barr bottles back for the 10p refund. Wait an hour till she put them out in the back yard, climb over the gate, Knick the bottles and take them back in for another 10p each. She used to say ‘oh your dad drinks a lot of pop!’

A combination of factors lead to me doing a full time degree, and working 40 hours per week, yet still not having enough to make ends meet. I was once at work (a cleaning job on an evening) and I was so hungry I finished a half eaten sandwich out of the bin under a desk.

I don't think I'll ever be able to admit that one to anyone IRL, but there literally wasn't a scrap of food in, and my bank was empty (as in completely, not a penny in it).

Around 18 years ago, In my old job I was a duty driver on campus. Whilst driving on a patrol in the work vehicle I scraped another car. I didn't leave any details and just drove on.
The next day it was announced about the damaged car, and that any witnesses were to come forward. Turns out the car belonged to a very high ranking senior management of the company. I read the announcement and secretly knew that I was "the witness" but I never said anything. I got away with it.

I’m male.

I met my wife when I was 19, and met the family shortly after.

I instantly fancied her mum, not my type in any way but there was just something about her.

For many years she was my ultimate fantasy and on my mind during sex and when masturbating.

I had a great day to day friendship with her, and after maybe 12-15 years I kind of knew she had a thing for me, there was too much banter, innuendo etc when we were alone vs when around other people for there not to be a mutual attraction.

We’ve acted on it since, no regrets, very glad it happened but yea, obviously one for the grave for both of us!

Wow @Candleinthebreeze! Your poor wife shafted by her husband and mother. Jeez.