To ask for your secrets you're taking to the grave

[FuckingFabulous]

Lighthearted, and risk free. Given that this is all anonymous and all that.

When I was fourteen, I was out with my friend after drama club. It was winter and dark and fucking freezing but I was sweating as well as shivering. We were walking to her grandma's house in the next village where I was getting picked up by my stepdad in about an hour. I was quite clearly ill, but my mum had not believed me and sent me to a long day at school. As we were walking, my belly churned and I knew that there was gastric trouble afoot. I excused myself into an innocent looking field for "a wee" but I knew it was not that. Thankfully, there were no street lights at all, so even if someone had come past, they'd not have seen. It was pitch black. My friend kept watch while my bowels evacuated what seemed like water and slime for about five minutes and sweat dripped off my body onto the ground, I can remember how much I was shaking and how I had the weirdest taste of metal in my mouth. When the onslaught ended, I didn't know how to wipe my bum. I took off my school tie, wiped with that and then had no idea what to do so I just discarded it at the scene and shamefully scuttled back to my friend. I was then off school for a week with some kind of horrible intestinal infection.

But the field. The quiet little field I'd chosen to slip over the fence into. It was a graveyard. And I'd relieved myself right next to a war grave. Right before armistice. And left my school tie there. How do I know? Because it was in the school newsletter as a "regrettable incident" and anyone with information as to who the culprit was could report in confidence to the headteacher. I expect the groundskeeper reported it to the school. Even my mum tutted about no respect. Thank god it was over 20 years ago. Nowadays it would have trended with a hashtag and a witch hunt.

And now I have finally told the tale. What's yours?

Journalist??

I'm currently out on bail.

@Owl55

Journalist??

Nope. Long time poster, never worked for any publication, not a writer, just thought it would be an entertaining thread.

@Sillawithans

I'm currently out on bail.

Presumably your probation officer and family would know this.....

I dragged a rock across the full length of my then boyfriends car. Can't even remember what we were fighting about 😳
We spent ages the next day trying to figure out who had done it 😬
I never admitted it to him (and have never done anything like that since).
We have been together over 20 years and are now married with kids but I've still never told him. 😳

I got off with the lab technician from school when I was in sixth form. In my defence, I didn't do science subjects and had no reason to hang around the labs. He was a lifeguard at the local pool where my friend (who went to another school) also worked, so I met him on a night out with my friend. He looked vaguely familiar but I thought I must have seen him when out with my friend in the past. I only realised who he was when I took a short cut through the science block a few weeks later as he was coming out of the lab...

Oh god mine is horrific.

I text a guy called "Dave" (not his real name) for a booty call in my late teens. Knock at the door and it was a totally different Dave. Not the one I thought I had invited.

Still DTD though. And then found out he was a virgin.

My list is endless, at primary school I told my friends I had a pony (I didn’t). I entered a hand knitted scarf into a craft competition as my own creation and was awarded a Distinction - my pen friend had sent it as a gift, I stole a prize onion from an allotment and denied it when questioned by the police, I wet myself on a the back seat of a bus, pooped in a carrier bag when my flat mate was in the bathroom, had a secret electric blanket in a shared house and my landlady was paranoid about wasting money. I’ve got a few more but someone might recognize me!

I cheated on one of my GCSE coursework essays by downloading a sample essay off the internet and just changing little bits of it.

It wasn’t worth it as the stress I’d saved from not having to write it was replaced with stress at getting found out.

@Feefsie53

My list is endless, at primary school I told my friends I had a pony (I didn’t). I entered a hand knitted scarf into a craft competition as my own creation and was awarded a Distinction - my pen friend had sent it as a gift, I stole a prize onion from an allotment and denied it when questioned by the police, I wet myself on a the back seat of a bus, pooped in a carrier bag when my flat mate was in the bathroom, had a secret electric blanket in a shared house and my landlady was paranoid about wasting money. I’ve got a few more but someone might recognize me!

If they don't recognise you from all that, I think you're safe!

(The police questioned you over a prize onion?)

Feefsie53 for some reason that has really tickled me, especially being questioned by police over a prize onion 🤣

@Dazedandconfused170

This is the best thread I’ve read in a long time, really made me laugh!! But the people judging really ruin it!

Yes! All the "oh you should be ashamed", "oh that's really nasty of you" miserable commentators.

@cricketmum84

Oh god mine is horrific.

I text a guy called "Dave" (not his real name) for a booty call in my late teens. Knock at the door and it was a totally different Dave. Not the one I thought I had invited.

Still DTD though. And then found out he was a virgin.

I bet it's one of his best memories though!

I slept with my close (female) friend at school. None of our friends - we're all still friends - have any idea. Taking it to my grave because it's not only my story to tell. We're both married (to men) with kids now but I have since come to accept that I am bi. It took me til my 30s to realise.

@stonebrambleboy

Zeal I can't get 'I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy' out of my head.

HaHa

I thought I would be under the radar on that one! But a few other posters rumbled me. There are some damn smart people on MN.

Seriously though, there is one secret that I and several other people will take to their grave. We were in the forces some time back. There is a film called Three Kings and it documents how soldiers came across gold in Iraq (I think) and spirited it away. There is a lot of opportunity to do that in the military (I could do a whole new thread spilling those beans). Anyway, not in wartime, but we came across a similar opportunity at home. Completely by chance. A certain item that had been stolen was being stored on military land. Not military equipment, think lawnmowers or scooters etc, I will not say exactly what it was, but an item of machinery that is high value, portable and might retail for around £750 a piece. Made in Scandinavia. Containers of these things were gradually being stored up in some dilapidated buildings in woods in the middle of nowhere. We found fake van plates and pallets where these items were being repackaged. We went in one night, stole it from the stealers and resold them but it took a while.

Sadly, two have taken it to their graves and there is just five of us left now.

What I now realise is these items were being syphoned off by management at the UK branch. The manufacturer is huge and these items would not have made a dent in the stock or profits of Scandinavia HQ. I made into six figures from this when I was 21.

My daughter wrote she wanted to do soliciting when she left school what a giggle and no she never went into it

@Feefsie53. Do you live in Ambridge?

I once was staying at a friend's for the weekend. Their toilet broke, it would NOT flush. My stomach decided this was the perfect time to have 'issues'. I ran to the bathroom in a panic, realised there was no working toilet to void in so called out to my friend to ask if she minded if I hoped in the shower. I squated and shat in the shower while the water ran over me. Noone knows about that. I didn't realise I was lactose intolerant at the point and we had a lot of chocolate and icecream earlier that day lol

@PetuniaButterworth

🤣 You mean it wasn't Kel all this time !???!!!?

@SilverGlassHare

At junior school, I used to get back to the classroom early after lunch and if no one else was in there, hide things belonging to the other children. Usually in someone else’s desk but sometimes just behind cupboards etc. Not quite sure why I did it now, but I think I just liked messing with people’s heads.

I did the same thing when I was 7. I would hide things then pretend to find them. Things like rubbers, pens and I would also lie a lot too. Once said I had found a lost earing and put it on the table when I had never even seen it.

Rob, Basingstoke & Deane Council, 1996. When you bitched with someone else in our department about me and a colleague, who were new grads in our first jobs and did it via “secret notes” you left in each other’s desk drawers. I knew. On my last day, it was me who dropped a load of your paperwork, photos and your precious coffee vending machine card in the gap at the back of your desk. And I still smile about it now.

I had a fling with my parents 40-something married friend when I was 17. He got a bit clingy and said he loved me and wanted us to run off together. I turned cold on him and flaunted my new 17 year old boyfriend in front of him to get rid of him. I can't pretend I was a victim of abuse...I knew exactly what I was doing

@oohyoudevilyou

I had a fling with my parents 40-something married friend when I was 17. He got a bit clingy and said he loved me and wanted us to run off together. I turned cold on him and flaunted my new 17 year old boyfriend in front of him to get rid of him. I can't pretend I was a victim of abuse...I knew exactly what I was doing

I've still got no sympathy for him.

Fair enough but so did he. When you hit your forties yourself you know how gross it is.

Prize onion is still the best confession so far!

Oh dear should I admit this horror.
I was about 8 and in the school choir. The teacher said she could hear someone was out of tune. She chose someone to stop singing because she thought it was her. The rest of us had to sing, I mouthed the words, just in case. That poor child got thrown off the choir because of me. I'm sure it was me because I'm tone deaf. 😈 still feel guilty she was heart broken.