To ask for your secrets you're taking to the grave

[FuckingFabulous]

Lighthearted, and risk free. Given that this is all anonymous and all that.

When I was fourteen, I was out with my friend after drama club. It was winter and dark and fucking freezing but I was sweating as well as shivering. We were walking to her grandma's house in the next village where I was getting picked up by my stepdad in about an hour. I was quite clearly ill, but my mum had not believed me and sent me to a long day at school. As we were walking, my belly churned and I knew that there was gastric trouble afoot. I excused myself into an innocent looking field for "a wee" but I knew it was not that. Thankfully, there were no street lights at all, so even if someone had come past, they'd not have seen. It was pitch black. My friend kept watch while my bowels evacuated what seemed like water and slime for about five minutes and sweat dripped off my body onto the ground, I can remember how much I was shaking and how I had the weirdest taste of metal in my mouth. When the onslaught ended, I didn't know how to wipe my bum. I took off my school tie, wiped with that and then had no idea what to do so I just discarded it at the scene and shamefully scuttled back to my friend. I was then off school for a week with some kind of horrible intestinal infection.

But the field. The quiet little field I'd chosen to slip over the fence into. It was a graveyard. And I'd relieved myself right next to a war grave. Right before armistice. And left my school tie there. How do I know? Because it was in the school newsletter as a "regrettable incident" and anyone with information as to who the culprit was could report in confidence to the headteacher. I expect the groundskeeper reported it to the school. Even my mum tutted about no respect. Thank god it was over 20 years ago. Nowadays it would have trended with a hashtag and a witch hunt.

And now I have finally told the tale. What's yours?

@Dazedandconfused170

This is the best thread I’ve read in a long time, really made me laugh!! But the people judging really ruin it!

Agreed.

@TheRebelle

When I was a student in Newcastle I had to get the metro in and I had a monthly pass, and every month I would keep using it for a few days after it expired until I’d get caught and do my “oh silly me, I didn’t realise the date” act and because I’ve got quite a posh voice and look quite smart I’d get waved through and pointed in the direction of the ticket office, whereas there’d always be a load of chavs they’d take to one side and fine for doing exactly the same thing. I knew exactly what I was doing 🤣

I do the same with my weekly bus pass! Posh-voiced teacher here and always get away with it.

Just out of interest - this site can’t be totally anonymous can it ? Surely the admin know our emails and pseudonyms? I would never confess anything too personal on here.
Or am I wrong ?

We once took the children for a day out in Blackpool one of the kids were bursting so I went into a cafe to ask if he could use the toilet the cafe owner said no before I know it the son had gone into the cafe and sprayed loads of extremely smelly fart gas and left quickly the place emptied.

That’s a corker of a story 😂

@Thisisnotreallymyname

Just out of interest - this site can’t be totally anonymous can it ? Surely the admin know our emails and pseudonyms? I would never confess anything too personal on here. Or am I wrong ?

I believe it would be against GDPR and a massive violation of trust for them to make your identity public....

I adored my first boyfriend. We never fell out, but we were at university far apart and there was no SM, messaging or mobiles then. We just lost touch. Fast forward a few years. We met at a party we had both married, his wife was with him and I had just separated from my H. We spent the whole evening sneaking off and snogging. He told me he still loved me. I never saw him again, but a few years later met his mum and had a catch up. He was still married and it turned out that his first baby and mine were born exactly 60 minutes apart.

Many many years ago I used to temp as a secretary in London - well paid work for a woman in those days. For reasons beyond my ken the income tax did not kick in for a few weeks. So I signed on with a different agency every three weeks under a false name and NI number - paying no tax at all. I even encouraged my best mate to do the same - we made a fortune that summer - it was the 70's.

My family like to share the story of how my brother, when he was about 5, jumped into a pool without his ring and I jumped in after him and saved him. I haven't told anyone I had persuaded him to go in without his ring in the first place, because I wanted it. I was about 9 at the time.

I got absolutely hammered and ended up sleeping with an ex who I bumped into in the pub 🙈 we went back to his and unbeknown to me he had moved his latest gf in. I was on my period and had a tampon in but totally forgot to take it out and remembered just as we were getting it on and whipped it out. God knows where 🙈🤣 Never even remembered until a few months later I saw him and he said oh by the way you left m a little parcel. I still cringe when I think about it! Tell my friends everything…apart from that one I’m too disgusted at myself lol! Thankfully he found it and not his gf can u imagine??? 🤣 drink is the devil 👿

I have some bowel issues at times and a toilet system at work which doesn't always work very well when flushing.
After a particularly difficult poo, I blocked in the visitors' bathroom, right in the most public part of the office block.
This was bad enough, but when I tried to flush things away, the whole toilet bowl overflowed and flooded the floor which was subsequently swimming in brown shitey floater water.
I quickly tried to clean it up (impossible as the water kept flowing out) so I went to our reception and told her I'd gone in to find the toilet in that state.
Half an hour later and I saw 2 maintenance men and MY BOSS trying to fix it and mop it out.
I was absolutely mortified but nobody will ever ever ever know it was me...! (I've never used that loo again since!)

But given all the things people said they have done that were evil to people at work, it would only take one miserable mums net administrator to blow the top of everything. And I’m sure there must be some way they could do it anonymously.
Maybe I’m overthinking this! 😂

I hated my sisters ex he was an extremely narcissistic nasty abusive prick, every single time I visited I would insist on making the cuppas and every single time I made them I would spit in his. I relished in watching him slurping it - only wish it had been fking arsenic.

As a young 1st year student I once pulled a really cute guy who must have been an older student, he took me back to the lab at uni as he had keys.....we had a kiss then I needed the toilet, when I came out the toilets I was so drunk I couldn't remember where lab was so I panicked and ended up running out a door marked Fire Exit, don't use unless an emergency! Ran all the way home.

The next day I was out to get hangover food and saw him walking down the street with his arm round a girl...I hid!

Never got my jacket back, ended up quitting uni, not over that but I was relieved to never see him in lab again as he helped out with younger students!

Thinking back I escaped lightly, at the time I was pissed off as he was so hot!

@Thisisnotreallymyname

But given all the things people said they have done that were evil to people at work, it would only take one miserable mums net administrator to blow the top of everything. And I’m sure there must be some way they could do it anonymously. Maybe I’m overthinking this! 😂

I think most people use a "burner" email address for sites like MN, so not sure even a disgruntled MN employee could blow our cover?

I hope, anyway!

*Said supervisor went to the fridge a few hours later and I watched from my desk as she went all red faced and teary to the manager's office

eh she, an adult, cried over somebody taking her cream egg? Like wtf? This has to be bullshit.*

Nope. I temped in an office a few years ago and the babyish office tart would ask for, 'my bena' she thought it was cute to say this instead of Ribena. I had been unwittingly nicking her biscuits because I thought they were in the kitchen to be shared. OK, my bad and I stopped straightaway.

So it suited me no end when her, of course, 'special' mug got accidentally broken in the sink. Yes, it really was an accident done by someone else. The secret is how I kept a straight face whilst all the time thinking, 'oh good.'

So yes, people really are that babyish.

@unsure111

My mum is still married to my step dad who is emotionally abusive, gaslights her everyday and financially abusive. He goes out one day every week to the pub and when he comes home drunk she takes £20 out of his pockets and has a nice little stash of money that she can buy her own things with. Only she and I know about this. It makes me so happy that she's getting her own way back at him.

She should stop using it to buy things but to get the fuck away from him .

My ex boyf had a female pen pal he’d been writing to for years (in the 90s). She was female and I was always suspicious of her and he was awful to me too kept saying how she was much prettier than me, cleverer than me etc. He was clearly a bit on love with her but she wasn’t interested
Anyway one day he asked me to post his letter while we were in the car. It was also penpals birthday and he sent her a HMV voucher. I jumped out, sliding the letter up my sleeve as I crossed the road.
I then pretended to put it in the postbox and got back in the car. I took it home and read it, and to be be fair it was just a load of boring old shit. I treated myself to a new CD with the voucher (sash! I think)
Anyway penpal never got her letter and was really annoyed that he hadn’t written back and lied about sending a voucher. He was insistent he did and they had a huge falling out. They never wrote again.
I also dumped him soon after. I didn’t feel bad about any of it either- no conscience!
I feel a bit bad now but also think it’s quite funny

@ShaneTheThird

Oh I do have a minor one. When I was 12 I slept over at my best friends house and we hacked into a mutual friends msn account. Said friend was obsessed and spent every day going to the library to use msn. So we hacked her account to see who she was speaking to and found hundreds of names. Instantly a few popped up to chat and we realized they were adult men and not other 12 year olds. So we decided after a few disturbing conversations when we realised most of her contacts were random men we changed her password then deleted her account. She was so angry when she couldn't retrieve her account and we pretended that it must have been a glitch and we had problems on our msn. Neither of us ever told her the truth that we deleted her account.

You did her a massive favour.

I copied an Enid Blyton short story for my year 6 SATS exam. She did so many I think I got away with it. It was about the tongues of shoes talking.

@Nat6999

When I was at Junior school we had the old toilets in the school yard until I started my last year & during the last year new toilets were built inside the building. I was quite small for my age & one day when I asked to go to the toilet & once I was finished I decided to see if I could slide under the locked door, I got through easily. From then whenever I went to the toilet I did the same thing, slid under the door, I even sneeked in the boys toilets & did the same thing. The staff were going crazy, the caretaker had to be called to unlock the toilet cubicles, some days I was doing it three or four times a day. I never got caught & it kept on getting mentioned in assembly, I must have done it for nearly a whole term.

I used to do this as a kid whenever we went to do the weekly shop at Safeway! I’d always need the loo and if there was no one in I’d always leave the door locked and slip under. No idea why, it’s not even like you get to stick around and see the results of the prank! Then one day I got a bit stuck as I’d started to gain a little weight, managed to slip out but decided best to not risk it again!

Same here. That’s my secret too and I’ve never told a soul

I was in year 4/5. I would say that would of made me about 6/7. I saw a thread hanging lose on the skirt of the girl next to me. I went under the table with a pair of scissors to cut it off and the teacher caught me. She shouted at me so loud I burst into tears and couldn’t tell anyone else because I was so upset and ashamed! Looking back I was only trying to bloody help, I must of seen my parents cut off threads etc! I felt like a murderous monster for years 😂

I went on a night out in my thirties. Had far too much to drink including a jäger bomb or two: fast forward 3 hours later I’m sat on my settee at home and look and this guy is there I’m like who are you he said I brought you home because you were rolling around on the floor outside the bar. I kindly thanked him and asked him to leave and said I won’t be doing a one night stand.
To this day I don’t know what happened during those three hours but one thing I’ve learnt is this is a warning and as a mum I put myself at massive risk and won’t ever touch a shot in my life

Mine is kind of similar to the "Pig" one from the start of the thread. When I was in the last year of primary school, many moons ago, it was a rainy lunchtime one day and we couldn't go outside. The head teacher came up and asked for some volunteers to go down to the infants classroom and help keep them entertained. I was seriously miffed that my friend got chosen to go and I didn't, so I wrote "Kerry is a bitch" on a bit of paper then threw it in the bin. I hadn't had the sense to rip it up or scribble over it so someone else saw it, but hadn't seen who put it there, and gave it to the teacher when she came back from lunch. She went seriously ballistic at the whole class and spent the afternoon looking through all our jotters to see if she could identify the culprit from the handwriting, but fortunately for me there were a few of us with very similar writing so she couldn't figure it out and I kept quiet.