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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask you how to be around kids?

66 replies

HadEnough798 · 17/09/2021 14:52

AIBU to ask for your tips on how to get on with/bond with a child??

I'm the youngest in my whole family - no younger relatives, no friends with young siblings. Since being a child myself I've literally never had any reason to interact with any kids... never babysat, never come into contact in my job, never really met or spent any time with any children ever. The first time I held a baby I was 33...

I'm not maternal and don't want my own children but now mid-30s, all my friends are having children and I have NO clue how to be around them?!

I try to talk to them like I would any individual person, but find interacting with them SO awkward, like I'm really forced and feel like the kids can spot me a mile off and it just makes me even more awkward. Also feel like the parents can see right through me and honestly am sometimes cancelling social occasions because of the dread.

Friends have moved away so there are none I see more regularly than a couple of times a year which makes it harder.

Please tell me how to be around children... Also feel like I'm missing out on all the things other people seem to love about kids - maybe if I can get over the awkwardness I can find some of that enjoyment too...

OP posts:

TinnedPotatoesRock · 17/09/2021 14:53

I could've written this post apart from the fact I have absolutely no interest in interacting with them despite people trying to force me into doing so!

Anordinarymum · 17/09/2021 14:54

Just be yourself. Kids know when an adult is patronising them. Don't try too hard !

Original poster

HadEnough798 · 17/09/2021 15:07

@Anordinarymum even when myself is just really socially awkward and anxious?!

Are there any topics that are usually a safe bet for little kids - or is it totally different every time?

OP posts:

Original poster

HadEnough798 · 17/09/2021 15:07

@TinnedPotatoesRock ha ha I understand... I'm mostly trying to keep hold of my friendships with mates that now have children and am desperately searching for ways to do this....!

OP posts:

Tish008 · 17/09/2021 15:10

Are you me?

I've not figured it out, let me know if you do

BlueberrySugar · 17/09/2021 15:11

Yes just act normal.

Kids will usually bring something to you. So if it's a fire engine for example my reaction would be 'oh thank you for the red fire engine' wheel it around and say nee naw nee naw.

But I also have a 2 year old so I'm programmed this way now

Comedycook · 17/09/2021 15:14

Kids usually have a toy in hand or a a book or are wearing character clothing! That's your start point....'oh hi max, love your postman pat t shirt! Is that your favourite?'

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 17/09/2021 15:17

Hi OP

I'm like this and I have kids! I find I revert back to those old fashioned aunts who say something like how much they've grown and ask how school has grown

This is what I do when I visit friends with kids
Being them a little present. Can always offer to show them how it works / play it with them / colour it in together etc
Sometimes I explain that I am shit with kids so they know I've not got anything against their kid in particular.
Offer to go somewhere kid friendly with your friend and their kids. Park or soft play or something. Or trampolining if older. The parents might appreciate it and as the kids will be occupied you can chat
If they're visiting you, find out what they like to eat or watch on tv etc and download some stuff. Or for younger kids get some balloons or bubbles or something cheap to entertain them

If you spend time with kids you might get to know what they like and can play that with them. Ask what their favourite game is and can they show you. My child loves anyone who will play memory games with them.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 17/09/2021 15:18

But mostly I just get on with speaking to their parents and don't generally interact with their kids that much

Birdyflight · 17/09/2021 15:18

I had two of my own who are adults now, and I'm still not comfortable around other people's children.
What I have noticed is that they are a bit like cats -I don't try at all, but they tend to follow me about and sit on my lap. I like to think that I'm easy company for them because I don't expect them to perform for me.
Beyond that I speak to them if they speak to me, and when I get bored I wander off. If it's completely necessary I'll set them up with something to do, and I can be relied on to read a story or do a bit of colouring.
Not sure if that's any help.....

MeAndDebbieMcGee · 17/09/2021 15:18

Aww you sound lovely OP. Children are kind of segregated away from adults a lot here like they're a different species or something, it's so weird, so yeah if you're well into adulthood and don't have any yourself you won't be used to interacting with them.

But don't feel awkward! The kids themselves don't know this and they'll just be doing their thing.

I'd say the same rules apply as with other human interaction eg ask lots of open questions (they will fucking rattle on, it's funny), be interested in them, listen to what they've got to say and take your cue from them.

And every now and again when you feel comfortable throw in a curveball, just because. Keeps them on their toes.

katplva · 17/09/2021 15:18

Yes, saying you like something that they have on or a toy they have with them is always a good start. Then wait for them to show you something about it or to say something back. It’s one way to get the interaction started.

ToANewBeginning · 17/09/2021 15:18

For young kids - say what you see, and narrate what’s happening. The vast majority of the time their clothes or toys will give you a clue: “Ooh, I like your dinosaur T-shirt, what’s your favourite dinosaur?”. “Wow, look at that car, I bet it goes really fast”. If you don’t understand what they say back to you, don’t be afraid to just say “wow” and “oh really” lots! (My 3 year old will talk at you but you won’t understand a word of it). Basically, for under 5s, maybe even under 8s, don’t be afraid to sound a bit inane. Most parents appreciate child free friends making an attempt to connect with their kids.

leavesthataregreen · 17/09/2021 15:18

I had a friend who was brilliant with my kids. I commented on it and she said, Oh no, I'm rubbish with kids. I have no maternal feelings at all. But I''m a good teac her, so I just teach them stuff.' And it was true. If a kid tried to engage with her she taught them something - anything. If they liked her ring she explained it was made of gold that came out of the ground and had to be heated up etc.

If there is anything you like doing that kids like doing, just do that with them. If you're sporty kick a ball or go on the trampoline or if you're arty draw some pictures or if you're bookish, read them a story. Find something that genuinely interests you that might interest them. But don't force it. Only if they are hanging around you.

Otherwise be the cool auntie who arrives with sweets or a small toy, ignores them, then slips them a pound coin as she leaves. They'll adore you.

LuckyAmy1986 · 17/09/2021 15:19

Kids love talking about themselves (generalisation!) so ask lots of questions and hopefully they will take over the conversation!

Birdyflight · 17/09/2021 15:23

I've just realised I do the teaching thing too @leavesthataregreen.
My son's godfather did the cool uncle thing, I now realise. He was extremely popular, and did barely anything with him.
Crafty!!

Griefmonster · 17/09/2021 15:25

@ToANewBeginning

This all day long. Literally narrate your surroundings/what they are doing or showing you. Or ask them to do so.

Or join them in their play. Quietly. Do as you're told.

thecatneuterer · 17/09/2021 15:32

@TinnedPotatoesRock

I could've written this post apart from the fact I have absolutely no interest in interacting with them despite people trying to force me into doing so!

Same here. If I absolutely have to interact with them then I just speak to them as if they were adults. If that doesn't work then I just withdraw.

But generally I can go years and years without having to have any sort of interaction at all, which is wonderful.

2bazookas · 17/09/2021 15:33

Lots of small but mobile children won't immediately approach a stranger, so you can safely ignore them until/unless they do.

If the child makes contact with you, either by touch or verbal communication or offering a toy, then respond. Mirror back what they say or do.

"I gotta Teddy"
"That's a very nice teddy. "

" I am an astronaut alien from the planet GOG."
"Really? how did you reach Earth / take me to your leader".

MarisPiper92 · 17/09/2021 15:34

I wish I knew. I was at a wedding recently and was introduced to a child, and I absent-mindedly held out my hand and said "how do you do?" as if I was at bloody conference.

It was only my mother cringing in the background as I tried to shake hands with an 8-year-old that reminded me that I'm not great at this.

Lavender24 · 17/09/2021 15:37

I've always been super awkward around kids. I have my own now, a three year old and I'm ok-ish with kids her own age or younger as I now have experience with kids that age but I still get very awkward with older kids. Really young kids tend to just like narration and positive feedback so just say things like "Oh lovely, I love cats too!" type of thing. My friend who works in childcare says to talk to the older kids in the same tone as you would an adult.

LukeEvansWife · 17/09/2021 15:38

You sound like me, except I struggle to the point that i can’t deal with them at all. I am an only child from a very small family, with no partner or children.

Fair play to you for asking, I find it so awkward that I generally fade out of people’s lives when they tell me they are pregnant.

Notonthestairs · 17/09/2021 15:43

I used to start with "so what is on your Christmas/birthday list this year?" because that tends to reveal what they are interested in and you can generally take it from there.

Or do you like Halloween/fireworks/Easter eggs/holidays/dogs etc - whatever you can see and which might open them up.

Jennifer2r · 17/09/2021 15:47

Otherwise be the cool auntie who arrives with sweets or a small toy, ignores them, then slips them a pound coin as she leaves. They'll adore you.grin

I do this. Bring lego or a book. Big smile. Don't engage unless they engage you. Give them a quid. All kids love a quid.

HeirloomTomato · 17/09/2021 15:53

It depends on the kid really! Just like with adults. You will get kids that will just talk at you and all you need to do is sit there and nod and say ‘really? Wow? That’s exciting’ etc especially if you ask them about their favorite computer game / book series / friend / toy / color etc. depending on the age they’re at. Some kids are shy but if they are you usually don’t need to do much to impress them either, because they’re probably more scared of you than you are of them. The 1-4 age group can be harder work but 4+ you can just ask them simple stuff to get them chatting - how is school going? Where did you go on holiday this summer? What sports do you like? What games do you play? When’s your birthday / what are you going to do for it? Etc.

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