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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask you how to be around kids?

66 replies

HadEnough798 · 17/09/2021 14:52

AIBU to ask for your tips on how to get on with/bond with a child??

I'm the youngest in my whole family - no younger relatives, no friends with young siblings. Since being a child myself I've literally never had any reason to interact with any kids... never babysat, never come into contact in my job, never really met or spent any time with any children ever. The first time I held a baby I was 33...

I'm not maternal and don't want my own children but now mid-30s, all my friends are having children and I have NO clue how to be around them?!

I try to talk to them like I would any individual person, but find interacting with them SO awkward, like I'm really forced and feel like the kids can spot me a mile off and it just makes me even more awkward. Also feel like the parents can see right through me and honestly am sometimes cancelling social occasions because of the dread.

Friends have moved away so there are none I see more regularly than a couple of times a year which makes it harder.

Please tell me how to be around children... Also feel like I'm missing out on all the things other people seem to love about kids - maybe if I can get over the awkwardness I can find some of that enjoyment too...

OP posts:
Tal45 · 17/09/2021 15:58

My advice is follow their lead - say hi to them and comment on something they're wearing doing and see if anything happens from there, if they're not bothered on talking to the lady they hardly know then don't worry about and just enjoy your time with their parents. Kid are much easier to talk to then adults as they tend to be much less judgemental.

Original poster
HadEnough798 · 17/09/2021 16:02

Laughing out loud at some of these answers!!

Some genuinely useful tips, thankyou all - I will be giving these a go.

(And will make sure I ALWAYS have a pound coin on me when visiting from now on... Grin )

OP posts:
Antinerak · 17/09/2021 16:28

Say hi or wave, comment on what's on their t shirt/toy etc i.e. "I like the cat on your t shirt, cats are my favourite what's yours?" or "I like your race car, does it go really fast?" As long as you sound mildly upbeat you'll be okay. Hair ruffles, waves and getting down to eye level will go down well for younger children. Usually if they want to engage they'll come to you and bring you toys or start a conversation. You definitely don't have to join in their games but sitting near them playing with something will make them more likely to involve you.

They won't know you're awkward, and they might even like it if you talk to them as you'd talk to an adult!

SmellyOldOwls · 17/09/2021 16:35

@Birdyflight

I had two of my own who are adults now, and I'm still not comfortable around other people's children. What I have noticed is that they are a bit like cats -I don't try at all, but they tend to follow me about and sit on my lap. I like to think that I'm easy company for them because I don't expect them to perform for me. Beyond that I speak to them if they speak to me, and when I get bored I wander off. If it's completely necessary I'll set them up with something to do, and I can be relied on to read a story or do a bit of colouring. Not sure if that's any help.....

Yeah you're right. My son has a great aunt who loves him and shows lots of interest and asks him lots of questions about himself and his day. He often doesn't want to see her and I suspect it's because he doesn't want to answer a load of questions when he's puddling around playing. So OP just wait for them to come to you and talk to you about something. Kids don't always like adults making conversation with them.

Tinkerbellfluffyboots79 · 17/09/2021 16:38

It depends on the child really. Smaller ones 2 and below I just let the parent deal with them, smile etc make interested noises if they babble at me. 3/4 if they bring me something I’ll say this is nice and look interested and see what they do, perhaps be shy or talk to me about it, I don’t always understand toddler babble but be friendly and kind, you don’t have to be super interested. 5 and over some will want to be interested and talk to you. Ask them who their friends are or what they like to play with or their favourite thing to do. You can then ask more questions once they’ve told you or ask them to show you a toy or game (if you’re that interested).

I can’t imagine your friends will worry to much if you play with their kids, I wouldn’t. I have 4. Love mine, work with kids but don’t gel with all of them, they are individuals like anyone else so personalities will not always get on. Even with kids. Don’t put any pressure on yourself. Kids don’t really expect much tbh. They will come to you. My boyfriend doesn’t have kids of his own. (I have 4 - he’s clearly mental) he just quietly let them come to him. He’s calm and patient (mostly) and they all really like him. He doesn’t get down and play with them or anything so I’m not sure what it is about him that drew them to like him so much. He is a lovely person though so we are all really lucky.

Funnylittlefloozie · 17/09/2021 16:38

I'm a fan of the Nanny Ogg school of child management - randomly give them either a sweetie or a thick ear... (obvs this is a JOKE , I don't go around walloping other peoples kids!)

WeCanBeHeronsJustForOneDay · 17/09/2021 16:39

I am the same OP even with nephews and nieces. For me it’s got a bit easier once you’ve seen them a few times and they recognise you and you can ask about interests etc. I really struggle with babies as they don’t really do anything (sorry!) and you can’t talk to them. Everyone I know seems to put on a silly voice “IS THAT BANANA NICE JEMIMA/ALFRED/XANDER? IS IT NICE? IS IT YUMMY?” and I just can’t do that!

Cirin · 17/09/2021 16:45

I love talking to my kids, but have no interest at all talking to anyone else's. Surely as an adult the kids leave the room and let the adults chat. Who would invite an adult friend around to converse with a kid?

LadyJaye · 17/09/2021 16:46

@MarisPiper92

I wish I knew. I was at a wedding recently and was introduced to a child, and I absent-mindedly held out my hand and said "how do you do?" as if I was at bloody conference.

It was only my mother cringing in the background as I tried to shake hands with an 8-year-old that reminded me that I'm not great at this.

I must respectfully disagree.

I am childfree by choice, youngest of a familial generation etc and I am WILDLY popular with small children, because I treat them like slightly undergrown adults (including shaking hands).

In my experience, kids hate people who patronise them.

callingon · 17/09/2021 16:58

Perfect excuse for me to post this!

“Duolingo for taking to kids”

m.youtube.com/watch?v=qsEsgp3H7CU&t=4s

Goldbar · 17/09/2021 17:03

Play it cool. Smile and then ignore the child.

If you want them to interact with you, parallel play all the way. If you sit on the floor and build/stack/draw something and pretend they're not there, there is no way they will be able to resist coming over to see what you are doing. It's like moths to a flame Grin. Doesn't have to be toys, it can be making a car track out of coasters or something like that.

Original poster
HadEnough798 · 17/09/2021 17:06

[quote callingon]Perfect excuse for me to post this!

“Duolingo for taking to kids”

m.youtube.com/watch?v=qsEsgp3H7CU&t=4s[/quote]
Haha oh my this is amazing... I wish this existed in real life, this is literally me Grin

OP posts:
RickJames · 17/09/2021 17:10

I have a son 11 and step-kids, a niece and a nephew between 17 and 21. So I have to interact with them obviously and their various friends. I also work with young people (uni age).

With little kids I enjoy asking them how their day went - cue stream of consciousness babble about literally their whole day. I enjoy seriously asking pre-teens "how's work going?" and then them indignantly saying they are still at school Grin Adult sounding questions seem to come across better than kiddy talk.

Since I moved abroad and have to speak another language I take much more pleasure in talking to children because they don't judge my foreign language, or if they do they tell me I said it wrong and I learn something. I'm the wierd foreign mum and it works to my advantage often so don't feel worried about being awkward, I am awkward and its fine. As long as you are nice and kind they'll mostly accept you in a way that adults sometimes don't.

I like the pound coin idea though Grin

Wintercoffee · 17/09/2021 17:15

I work in childcare and to be honest the conversation is usually always one sided! It is awkward if you wait for responses etc but just give a running commentary on everything.

Hi WinterCoffee
Are you good today?
I love your rainbow dress!
How is *family members names
I’m going to do xyz
What shall we get busy with!

Would you like to help me do…
Will we have a look around and see what we want to play with…
Do you have any animals at your house…
Do you watch Peppa pig on the TV?
Paw patrol etc usually gets them talking.
Role play with their toys they love that when you chat to their toys, cuddle their blankets or teddies!
If they’re really young don’t ask questions just make lots of noises like oh! Oh dear! Uh-oh! Oooo!

stevalnamechanger · 17/09/2021 17:32

@TinnedPotatoesRock

I could've written this post apart from the fact I have absolutely no interest in interacting with them despite people trying to force me into doing so!
Same 🤣
minipie · 17/09/2021 17:40

Not quite what you asked OP but I have kids and when adult friends come round I don’t really expect them to interact with my DC. If my DC try to chat to them I’d expect them to respond politely but no more than that.

If your parent friends expect you to be best buddies with their children… maybe time to find some new friends

esloquehay · 17/09/2021 17:53

I love talking to my kids, but have no interest at all talking to anyone else's. Surely as an adult the kids leave the room and let the adults chat. Who would invite an adult friend around to converse with a kid?
@Cirin
Bloody hell, no. I wouldn't dream of asking my children to leave the room so I could chat with a friend. I wouldn't let my children interrupt a conversation, but if I want an adult only chat, it'd be when the children are out.

MarisPiper92 · 17/09/2021 19:13

@LadyJaye oh I hope you're right! This particular child looked quite bewildered, but I may give it another try. Like you, I am happily childfree so these occasions don't come up very often, but I'd like to not be dreadful at it. I'm certainly stealing the pound coin idea.

Lindaloo08 · 17/09/2021 19:24

Don't be getting stressed about it, as a mam I don't expect massive chats to my kids from others, some people do kids, some don't and that's grand. Don't talk down to them and they'll like you for it. If you do put your hand out to shake it and realise, just do an exaggerated hand shake to make yourself feel less awkward.

I think as kids get older you may find it easier cos they are becoming more interesting and you're able to have a full conversation with them. Don't be getting yourself in a ball over it, you are caring about this more than the parents do xxx

LukeEvansWife · 17/09/2021 19:26

Judging by some of the threads on here, you mustn’t say anything that might upset them (however unintentionally) so probably best to just speak to the adults

BetsyBigNose · 17/09/2021 21:29

Lots of advice here for talking with younger children, but I have teens now and when I'm left on my own with one of their friends for a moment, then I'll ask what sort of music they're into, or say that I'm wondering what to get my DC for Christmas/Birthday, have they got any ideas/what would they ask for? Whatever you do, never ask a teenager how school is going - whenever an adult asks my eldest this, I can sense her inwardly roll her eyes as she answers "Fine, thanks." and that conversation hits a standstill!

I wouldn't worry too much, it sounds like you're generally interested in children and as PPs have said, kids like to talk about themselves - they just don't (generally) like talking about school!

scully29 · 17/09/2021 21:35

Kids have some great random chat in them. Id ask their favourite book and then have a good chat about it, tell them about yours etc.

DwightSchruteisfit · 17/09/2021 21:46

Kids love it when you tell them they look older than they are e.g. “How old are you now Freddie?” “I’m 4” “Wow! I thought you must be 5 you’re so big!” They lap that shit right up

SecretSpAD · 17/09/2021 21:52

Do you actually want to talk to the kids though? If you don't, it's perfectly ok not to bother.

Queenoftheashes · 18/09/2021 01:14

I need to know this as well. Apparently asking a seven year old what he thought about the situation in Afghanistan was never going to work.
I just assumed he watched the news as I vaguely remember I did as a kid.