Marriage/Maternity leave feels like i traded my job to be a housekeeper.

[Faedupz2]

I got married a year ago when I was pregnant. Love my husband dearly and don't think I would trade him for anybody else most days... but... he is lazy. We both know it. And days like today it does really feel like I left my job to be a housekeeper. I hate it.
The constant tidying, cleaning, cooking, feeding, bathing, laundering, shopping, entertaining NON STOP. The only free time i get in the morning is when DH takes baby for a walk... guess what? I am cleaning!
I am so fed up.
I also cosleep with my 5 months old who wakes up 10+ times at night. So to say i am tired is an understatement. DH sleeps in the spare room.

I don't know... am I being a diva here? Is this just normal family life with a baby?
Should I lower my expectations?

YANBU but you're going to have to go nuclear if you want things to change. The status quo works for him so he's only going to start pulling his weight if actually you make it more unpleasant and inconvenient for him not to do so.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I’d expect a non working partner to pick up the household tasks if I was expected to bare the burden of the whole financial responsibility. I’d not feel it fair they opted out of that but then expected me to do half the tasks on top. Moot point though as it’s not for me that set up.

By that distinction one parent has opted out of being with a child during the day

I felt a bit like this on mat leave with my first. I breastfed, coslept and was exhausted whilst I felt that DH’s life hadn’t changed much. He still worked and went out socially but my whole life was centred around the baby. It’s hard.

I’m now on mat leave with baby twins, and my 3yo is at home 2 weekdays. DH works from home. From 7am - 8.30pm we are both either working, looking after children or prepping bottles/meals or doing housework. Once they’re all asleep we have some downtime but we go to bed early to deal with the twins’ night wakings- which we alternate. We have shortcuts to make life easier- we prep bottles in advance, have a regular cleaner and we don’t cook apart from the odd batch cook for the freezer (DD doesn’t like proper meals anyway).

Babies are really intense and it’s more work than a full time job, as there’s no time off. Therefore the time when you’re with the baby and he’s working should be treated as equal contributions IMO. There’s a big difference between being a SAHP to a baby and say a primary school aged child.

It does get easier with time, especially once they’re 3+ and more independent. For now do what you need to do and get in outside help if you can afford it, it won’t be like this forever.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers I have to iron late at night after the kids have gone to bed because of the hot iron, they would be running about or lolling about and might knock the iron. I don’t know anybody who irons with young children about.

Haha, as if my husband would let me have a few hours on a Sunday, that’s his prime cycling time!

I'd recommend reading "Fair Play" by Eve Rodsky as it covers fair distribution of labour within marriages but also discusses the societal factors associated with women giving up their jobs to become sahm.

I'd also recommend looking at The Organised Mum Method in order the streamline your housekeeping and take the pressure off yourself.

[quote GameSetMatch]@OnlyFoolsnMothers I have to iron late at night after the kids have gone to bed because of the hot iron, they would be running about or lolling about and might knock the iron. I don’t know anybody who irons with young children about.

Haha, as if my husband would let me have a few hours on a Sunday, that’s his prime cycling time![/quote]
Most people I know gave up ironing- sorry but you’re ironing and your husband is taking up a hobby- that sounds fair

I don't even iron. If DH needs shirts he knows he has to do it but that was the case before we had a kid.
It is true that waking up tired makes the whole day and chores feel relentless.

So yesterday after reading all your responses I had a talk with DH. I basically approached nicely and asked when does he think he is going to start helping either at night or during the day. First he brushed me off saying he has lots of work these days etc... so I just said ok but you know how exhausting this new routine is to me and that it won't work long term. And I left it. He came back during the day multiple times saying he knows how tired I am and from now on he will take the first part of the night to try to settle her and in the morning will take her from my bed and do the feeding and morning routine and just drop in my bed for milk then will take her out so that i can sleep in. After our trip he will get a sleep trainer in to try some gentle methods to help with baby wakings. Neither of us can do cry methods :/
He also said he will wash the floors today. Let's see if it happens.

So I guess it is a start!

And I agree a SAHM should look after the house and meals but with a small baby it is just so hard. If my daughter was in daycare or school and would sleep decent chunks at night I would not be here moaning.

And yes I can leave the country with my baby 😄 she has a dual citizenship and our marriage is registered in each of our respective countries.

OP,

Life will always be hard for women that marry a lazy man.

This is who he is.
He will always put himself before you and doing the right thing, because laziness and selfishness go hand in hand.

You are where you are.
But you had better be careful.
Do not get pregnant again.
Return to work asap.
Hire a cleaner asap.
Start looking at your finances and start making a back up plan for an exit.

Of course you can hope that he will take you seriously and share the parenting load but if not, do not dig a bigger hole for yourself by having more children.

Returning to work asap gives you an invaluable out.

It sounds pretty fair to be honest, while on maternity you're effectively a SAHP therefore should be doing the vast majority of the jobs around the house. Your DH is working full time so doesn't have the same time you do to do these jobs.

You are home so it’s only fair that you do the laundry, prepare dinner, keep on top of housework.

I find comments such as these completely mystifying. The clue to the role of a SAHP is in the name, it is not a stay at home housekeeper. What grown man (or woman) who does not have children expects to come home and not have to do laundry, dinner prep or housework? What strange disease afflicts new working parents who were previously capable of doing all these things, rendering them suddenly incapable of doing what they did before? What man has a baby and expects to have to do LESS at home!?

I'd expect a non working partner to pick up the household tasks if I was expected to bare the burden of the whole financial responsibility. I’d not feel it fair they opted out of that but then expected me to do half the tasks on top.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss SAHP's haven't "opted out of" financial responsibility in order to sit around watching trashy TV and eating bon bons. They have swapped financial responsibility for responsibility for childcare during the working parent's time at work. So the working parent covers the non-working parents half of the financial responsibility, and the non-working parent covers the working parent's half of childcare responsibility during working hours. Household tasks remain the responsibility of both parties as before.

I’m on maternity and my husband and I continue to share housework. He isn’t supporting me financially, I saved to pay for my maternity leave, we both contribute equally as normal to the monthly expenses.

@Newmum29 Do you realise that by doing this YOU are supporting your husband financially? You saved to cover your maternity leave but he made no contribution to it? So you are covering his half of the financial burden of childcare during maternity leave? His income has (presumably) stayed the same, yours has (presumably) gone down while you are on maternity leave for your JOINT child, but despite this YOU are the one who saved to cover it?? I sincerely hope I have read that all wrong somehow!!! Because you contributing equally as normal to the monthly expenses despite your income having gone down to allow to you care for your joint child is all types of wrong.

Haha, as if my husband would let me have a few hours on a Sunday, that’s his prime cycling time!

@GameSetMatch Tomorrow, pack yourself a bag, pop your head into whichever room your husband is in half an hour before he normally leaves for cycling and announce, "Righto, I've watched you go out for hours on a Sunday every week for the last X years - I think we'd both agree it's about time I started getting my share of Sunday time in or we'll be dead by the time I get round to it. Enjoy your time with the kids for the next X years. I'll be back at your usual time." Then leave the house. What POSSIBLE justification could he come up with that this would be unreasonable of you? Because the only one that really works is that you are less important than him, which is clearly a load of rubbish. You are both adult humans and of equal importance in your family. Start acting like it, and demanding that he does the same. Your purpose for existence isn't to serve him!

You do have my sympathy @Faedupz2 but as much as people will tell you on here, this is what it's like for many mothers, and this is what many men are like. Their 'big important job' takes precedence over everything, and in some cases, their 'big important man hobbies' do too. (Usually cycling or golf, and sometimes the gym in addition to their 'hobbies.') Funnily enough, their hobbies are almost ALWAYS the type that take them away from the home and family and pretty much most 'household' and family responsibilities. Funny that.....

Not sure what you can do now the bar has been set, except tell him you are sick of it, but the fact that you're not in paid employment at the moment, means (to him) that this is your JOB now. I can't see it changing sorry.

I know it doesn't suit some people on here to hear this, but men are wired to not do 'wifework' and it's a very rare man who does, especially if the woman works less hours than him (or doesn't work at all.)

And no, the 1950s doesn't want me back, and I am not 'letting the feminist side down' as someone accused me of the other day when I said something similar. I am just stating facts. The majority of men will not do household chores and domestic tasks. If they DO do something, it will be rarely, it will be begrudgingly, and it will be under duress. In many cases, they will have been asked over and over again to do do it...

And they will often have to be encouraged to look after their own children. I have actually heard men say before now, that they are 'babysitting' their child tonight. You don't babysit your own fucking child.

Some posters on here aren't going to like me saying all this, and I have been shot down before, by the 'well MY husband does 50% of everything' brigade, who insist their husband/partner does as much as she does even though he works full time and she's a stay-at-home-mum/ on maternity leave. But the fact is, this doesn't happen in most families. It just doesn't.

Not sure what the answer is Faedupz2 because I fear it's too late now. The precedent has been set sadly.

What baffles me is the amount of women who marry and have kids with a man who did fuck-all in the house before they had kids. Did they expect him to suddenly step up, and turn into the love child of Mrs Overall and Mary Poppins when children came along?

You said he did fuck-all in the house before Faedupz2 ... Did you seriously expect him to be any different when children came along?

Not a helpful post I know, but I am just baffled as to why you thought he would suddenly step up and start helping around the house a lot more when you had a child... When he was a lazy arse to begin with.

i find comments such as these completely mystifying. The clue to the role of a SAHP is in the name, it is not a stay at home housekeeper. What grown man (or woman) who does not have children expects to come home and not have to do laundry, dinner prep or housework? What strange disease afflicts new working parents who were previously capable of doing all these things, rendering them suddenly incapable of doing what they did before? What man has a baby and expects to have to do LESS at home!?

1000%- perfectly put and reasoned!

For the poster who asked, I make more money so despite us paying the same monthly outgoings I’m not being unfairly penalised.

If we were paying proportionate to our income I would expect him to support me while I’m off but we don’t. We’re also both going part time to afford us the luxury of each having a day with our baby.

This is one of the many reasons why I went back to work 10-11 weeks after childbirth and put my DC in nurseries. I prefer our routine of both of us cleaning the house top to bottom every Saturday morning. Other than that it’s just a quick spot clean as we go. We both cook, but all our meals are quick to make.

The long maternity leave just causes new routines where the mother takes on more childcare and household work while the father works more hours to make up for lost income.

Poster why dont you get acleaner. If i worked full time and earned good money, i wouldnt come home and wash floors. Is there a reason why you are unable to get a cleaner?. So that you guys can enjoy your weekends with the baby

@femfemlicious

Poster why dont you get acleaner. If i worked full time and earned good money, i wouldnt come home and wash floors. Is there a reason why you are unable to get a cleaner?. So that you guys can enjoy your weekends with the baby

So only people who earn crap are expected to clean their own floors?

@NailsNeedDoing

Sound pretty normal to me that you should be doing the bulk of the housework while you’re at home with the baby. It is exhausting, but it doesn’t last forever and when you’re both back to work the chores will have to be split more equally. Can you cut back on what your doing by lowering your standards? Not every meal has to be cooked from scratch, the house doesn’t have to be spotlessly clean and tidy every day.

I don't agree that the bulk of the housework should fall on the parent taking parental leave. Presumably it didn't before the baby arrived so why should it now? Looking after a baby is a full time job in itself. No reason why the other parent can't cook / do laundry / cleaning etc.

@HarrietsChariot

It sounds pretty fair to be honest, while on maternity you're effectively a SAHP therefore should be doing the vast majority of the jobs around the house. Your DH is working full time so doesn't have the same time you do to do these jobs.

Would you rather he was the SAHP and you went back to work? If not, I think you just have to accept that looking after a baby is tiring.

Being on maternity leave enables you to look after a baby which is a full time job. It's not so you can become the domestic skivvy. If the other parent managed to do their share of the chores before the baby arrived why should that change after the baby arrives?

@Newmum29

For the poster who asked, I make more money so despite us paying the same monthly outgoings I’m not being unfairly penalised.

If we were paying proportionate to our income I would expect him to support me while I’m off but we don’t. We’re also both going part time to afford us the luxury of each having a day with our baby.

Name change fail?

@NailsNeedDoing

Sound pretty normal to me that you should be doing the bulk of the housework while you’re at home with the baby. It is exhausting, but it doesn’t last forever and when you’re both back to work the chores will have to be split more equally. Can you cut back on what your doing by lowering your standards? Not every meal has to be cooked from scratch, the house doesn’t have to be spotlessly clean and tidy every day.

This. I know some people disagree, but FGS, if the man works and the woman is at home all day, of course^ she should be doing the lion's share of the housework/childcare. He should help sometimes, but while she is not at work/on maternity leave, she should be doing the majority of it.

Of course @Faedupz2 you could offer to go back to work full time, and let HIM stay at home and be a stay at home dad. Not many women are keen on doing that funnily enough. The reason they come up with, is that he is the 'higher earner...' But YOU are the higher earner you said, so why don't YOU go back to work?

@Ajl46

Being on maternity leave enables you to look after a baby which is a full time job. It's not so you can become the domestic skivvy. If the other parent managed to do their share of the chores before the baby arrived why should that change after the baby arrives?

But the OP made it clear that her DH never did anything before anyway.

you could offer to go back to work full time, and let HIM stay at home and be a stay at home dad. Not many women are keen on doing that funnily enough actually I would say it’s men that aren’t jumping at the idea of being a sahp- also the argument that the financial load is on the man is bs! What if a woman is receiving smp, do the chores get shared then?!

@MyPatronusIsACat

I am not the higher earner hence why he is still working!

The poster who talked about her current situation where she earns more is from earlier posts where someone commented on her reply...

" sorry but you’re ironing and your husband is taking up a hobby- that sounds fair"

I'm confused. Is ironing a hobby? If she is on maternity leave, she is probably not ironing her own clothes, but her husband's work clothes. Ironing someone's work clothes is not a hobby.

Maybe I missed some context?

@aloris

" sorry but you’re ironing and your husband is taking up a hobby- that sounds fair"

I'm confused. Is ironing a hobby? If she is on maternity leave, she is probably not ironing her own clothes, but her husband's work clothes. Ironing someone's work clothes is not a hobby.

Maybe I missed some context?

Not the OP

Definitely lower your expectations of essential housework duties. Few specks of dust on TV isn't a big deal. Just enjoy your maternity leave. Only do what needs to be done. It has served me well - and I have 4!