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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Marriage/Maternity leave feels like i traded my job to be a housekeeper.

105 replies

Faedupz2 · 17/09/2021 07:48

I got married a year ago when I was pregnant. Love my husband dearly and don't think I would trade him for anybody else most days... but... he is lazy. We both know it. And days like today it does really feel like I left my job to be a housekeeper. I hate it.
The constant tidying, cleaning, cooking, feeding, bathing, laundering, shopping, entertaining NON STOP. The only free time i get in the morning is when DH takes baby for a walk... guess what? I am cleaning!
I am so fed up.
I also cosleep with my 5 months old who wakes up 10+ times at night. So to say i am tired is an understatement. DH sleeps in the spare room.

I don't know... am I being a diva here? Is this just normal family life with a baby?
Should I lower my expectations?

OP posts:

garrybubblo · 17/09/2021 07:51

No. This is not normal. I'm not surprised you're exhausted and fed up. You need an equal partner. It doesn't sound like he does anything to help out, other than taking the baby out for a walk?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 17/09/2021 07:53

Nope yanbu- looking after a baby/ preschooler is a full time job, hence housework etc is split. Give your husband to he weekly shopping list, tell him to clean the bathroom, hang up the washing. It he’s reluctant then you just do what you need to for you and the baby- his stuff: clothes, food and cleaning- leave it all alone until he gets the message.

Dreambigger · 17/09/2021 07:54

I think its partly maternity leave but no you are NBU your husband needs to pull his weight more and share the parenting..time for a conversation about what happens next. You are doing it all because you are at home and therefore he doesn't have to but going forward you need a plan. Can you make time for you to leave the house to go to the gym or similar? Share cooking? Divide chores. The co sleeping is tricky if he's working and your breastfeeding but he can do more at weekends to give you a lie in. It can be very monotonous at home but you can improve things..are you going back to work ?

postingfortraffichere · 17/09/2021 07:54

YANBU - but then again are you SAHP and is DH working full time? In which case I would expect majority of house chores and childcare to be done by the SAHP (not all but most).

If this isn't the case perhaps refuse to do it and order in a cleaner - as soon as it hits his pocket he might start deciding to pull his finger out and stop being so lazy.

KILNAMATRA · 17/09/2021 08:00

Lack of sleep is torture. And it makes everything worse. Why is baby waking 10 times a night? Can you give the baby to husband at 4 or 5 am at get 3 or 4 hours uninterrupted sleep? So what if he has to go to bed earlier.. and if the baby needs a bottle then, we’ll mine are 9 and 10 now snd now one asks “breast or bottle?” I did mixed feeding and they grew and are fine. And if your house is reasonably clean, that’s good enough, as your baby grows, eats better, sleeps longer you will have more time.. and the more you do the more you’ll be left do…

Comedycook · 17/09/2021 08:02

but then again are you SAHP

She's not a sahp...she's on maternity leave

KILNAMATRA · 17/09/2021 08:03

Oh and your doing bloody great!! I felt like that, from 50,000 pound job to wondering what goes into DH belly at 6 pm? AND I agree with posters above.. get help!

Bella43 · 17/09/2021 08:03

I understand how you feel OP. This is definitely the norm for me as I'm a single parent. Sounds like you are too, in a different sort of way. You need some me time at the very least. Why not go out for the day with friends for coffee and cake or shopping? Plan it for your husband's day off. Let him look after the children all day and see what it's really like in your shoes. Showing rather than telling might kickstart a conversation about how you can move forwards from here and get some support.

Rubyrecka · 17/09/2021 08:05

Can u get a cleaner in?

Wagglerock · 17/09/2021 08:07

You need to work on the division of housework - you can't be doing everything and him nothing. Both of you need to be doing childcare, housework and having leisure time.

twinningatlife · 17/09/2021 08:07

@postingfortraffichere

YANBU - but then again are you SAHP and is DH working full time? In which case I would expect majority of house chores and childcare to be done by the SAHP (not all but most).

If this isn't the case perhaps refuse to do it and order in a cleaner - as soon as it hits his pocket he might start deciding to pull his finger out and stop being so lazy.

Agree with this. (Although it will be considered an unpopular opinion on here)

What is he not doing that you want him to do? you shouldn't be picking up/tidying up after him but the bulk of the "household/family" chores I would expect to fall to you

Indoctro · 17/09/2021 08:09

Yes this is family life in my world, my husband works away so everything at hole falls on me. That's just life with a young family.

ReeseWitherfork · 17/09/2021 08:11

Maternity leave is HARD. The inevitable epiphany that your house doesn't have to be clean and tidy is a great one. When your baby is a toddler it'll all go out the window anyway. So my first recommendation would be to generally clean less. My second is to stop doing stuff for your husband. Laundry is the obvious one. It's not even petty, why should you be doing it.
Hand your baby to your husband this weekend and go for a nap. Don't ask, tell him that's what you're doing.

Comedycook · 17/09/2021 08:11

Agree with this. (Although it will be considered an unpopular opinion on here)

What is he not doing that you want him to do? you shouldn't be picking up/tidying up after him but the bulk of the "household/family" chores I would expect to fall to you

The problem is when she returns to work, I can pretty much guarantee he'll still assume she'll do all housework as they'll be in that routine by then. Don't start that. You're on maternity...that's so you can look after your baby which is a full time job

Comedycook · 17/09/2021 08:12

However, even if you both pitch in, life with kids means there's shitloads of housework/laundry and there's a lot of drudgery

Mumoblue · 17/09/2021 08:12

Nah, your partner needs to pull his finger out. He needs to realise you’re “working” all day every day, while he gets weekends and evenings off.

I strongly believe if you don’t have a fair division of labour, then your partner does not respect you.

dottiedodah · 17/09/2021 08:12

You need to get him to do some chores now.otherwise it will still be on you when you return to work! Whether sahp or not,you should not have to do everything. Does he cook ,wash up .also mop floor or bathroom duty.nip in bud now .sounds like he thinks you are off work. You have a baby ffs!

NailsNeedDoing · 17/09/2021 08:17

Sound pretty normal to me that you should be doing the bulk of the housework while you’re at home with the baby. It is exhausting, but it doesn’t last forever and when you’re both back to work the chores will have to be split more equally. Can you cut back on what your doing by lowering your standards? Not every meal has to be cooked from scratch, the house doesn’t have to be spotlessly clean and tidy every day.

Queenoftheashes · 17/09/2021 08:20

Do men who work full time and live on their own not have to do their own laundry and washing up? They do unless they have a housekeeper. Tell him to pull his weight or sling his hook (in which case he’ll have to pull his weight in his new house).

Queenoftheashes · 17/09/2021 08:22

What’s this prick doing all weekend for example when many working people have to vacuum?
Maternity leave is for looking after a baby.
You should have equal free time.

TwoLeftElbows · 17/09/2021 08:23

Find some things you enjoy and schedule them in every day. Don't clean when he takes the baby, use it for a bit of headspace. Push your own enjoyment up the agenda just a bit.

I'm not saying it's all your fault or your husband isn't being a pain BUT 5m is prime sleep deprivation time and work has a way of expanding to fit the time available. Squish work back into its box and find time for more fun things, even if it's just baby group for the chance to talk to other adults. Don't end up doing more and more cooking and cleaning just because you're home.

Dozer · 17/09/2021 08:24

Swap ‘lazy’ for ‘sexist’.

He should be doing a fair share of the domestic work and parenting, including night parenting, which isn’t solely feeding. Your health and wellbeing are important.

If you haven’t already, don’t quit your job!

Don’t clean when he takes the baby - if you can’t afford help do it together with the baby there!

HarrietsChariot · 17/09/2021 08:25

It sounds pretty fair to be honest, while on maternity you're effectively a SAHP therefore should be doing the vast majority of the jobs around the house. Your DH is working full time so doesn't have the same time you do to do these jobs.

Would you rather he was the SAHP and you went back to work? If not, I think you just have to accept that looking after a baby is tiring.

Scottishskifun · 17/09/2021 08:25

Not being a diva at all caring for a baby is bloody hard work!
Stop cleaning other than what you have to for starters!
I was very clear with my DH that I wasn't on maternity leave to be a unpaid housekeeper. I would do what I could so I did the cooking, dishwasher and washing but expected him to help out with the rest which he did alongside helping in the evenings. So he would take my DS after I fed him and make me go sleep for instance.

Things which help you are a slow cooker just put it on in the morning or by lunchtime depending on the recipe and dinner will be done.
Laundry I would do every day but DH would fold and put away dry stuff and just wipe down kitchen surfaces as you go.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 17/09/2021 08:25

Your job on mat leave is to look after the baby. While they are not sleeping at least, the vast majority of other household tasks should be shared.

Is your husband refusing to do his share because you're at home and he feels like this means you should be doing it all? Or does he acknowledge that he should do his share but just cant be arsed?

If the former then I think you need to leave him with the baby more so he realises that it's impossible to do all the housework with a young kid. Suggest sharing paternity leave for the last few months and him doing everything house related since he thinks this is a fair split of activities.

If the latter you need a sit down chat to really hammer home how this will affect your marriage long term. It's not a problem that will get better - apart from the sleep deprivation, in some ways toddlers are harder work and make much more mess than a baby (I had one who's favourite game was to take everything out of all cupboards and empty everything- food packets, bookshelves, boxes of games like cards, it was a full time job trying to keep up with them). When they start nursery and school as well the mental load increases with everything you have to organise and you will no doubt end up doing his share too. You will end up resenting him and that kills a marriage. You will break up over this. Maybe you could suggest couples counselling which at least will show how seriously you are taking it and also maybe they can get through to him how unfair it is.

Other things you can consider -
Becoming a SAHP. He cant expect you to be a housekeeper and work, he can pick one or the other. If he wants you to do his share of housework then he does your share of earning money. I woukdnt recommend this but it could form part of the discussions

Lower your standards. Lots of people on mumsnet complain about housework but then they also do things like Hoover every day and change bedding every few days and towels after every use etc. Nothing bad will happen if you change beds and towels every other week or hoover once a week instead of daily and wear clothes a couple of times before washing, stop ironing anything etc.

Get a cleaner. If he cant do his share then someone else can.

Ask him what the solution is. Because you doing everything isnt it. If he says he will do more, ask for specifics and also ask what will happen if he doesn't because history has shown this to be the case and it's not fair to make you into the role of housework nag or manager

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