Marriage/Maternity leave feels like i traded my job to be a housekeeper.

[Faedupz2]

I got married a year ago when I was pregnant. Love my husband dearly and don't think I would trade him for anybody else most days... but... he is lazy. We both know it. And days like today it does really feel like I left my job to be a housekeeper. I hate it.
The constant tidying, cleaning, cooking, feeding, bathing, laundering, shopping, entertaining NON STOP. The only free time i get in the morning is when DH takes baby for a walk... guess what? I am cleaning!
I am so fed up.
I also cosleep with my 5 months old who wakes up 10+ times at night. So to say i am tired is an understatement. DH sleeps in the spare room.

I don't know... am I being a diva here? Is this just normal family life with a baby?
Should I lower my expectations?

@Faedupz2. Your dh has no incentive to change because you are giving him a very comfortable life.
Sit down with him and tell him that things have to change.
He may be working 8 hours x 5 days a week but you are doing longer days and having broken nights.

If your dh won’t step up then start leaving his laundry and meals off your list. He’ll soon notice that the house elf is on strike.

We were in the same position a few months ago and I felt the same. I felt that my baby is brilliant, everything else is the problem. My husband will do the washing up once or twice a week and literally nothing else with the house or baby, but fully believes he does 'his share'.

I miss how easy life was with just work. And how I would love to finish work and sit down to a dinner made for me and my clothes washed!

Plus picking up after/cleaning for a lazy man is a real passion killer. Mine wasn't this bad before the baby but it's become a great excuse for him to slack off. If I hear "but I work" one more time I might throw him out the window. I'm deep in the resentment zone now a year later if you cant tell!

I think if we were in a natural social set up we'd have mothers/grandmothers around us helping to keep everything ticking while we cared for the baby.

I don't know what the answer is but I can tell you going back to work part time has helped me feel more human again. The housework still falls to me because I'm part time and he's a lazy prick but at least I have a bit of time to have a laugh with other people. Starting to feel a bit more sane nowadays.

Everything will get better!

To be honest, I am a bit confused. There's 3 of you and you are constantly laundering, shopping, tidying and shopping?

So is he not doing doing anything at all? Or are you trying to keep the house spotless at all times?

I am imaging sleep deprevation is playing a huge part in this and if you were sleeping you may not feel it was so relentless.

Sounds like he needs to do more but also you maybe need to take it easier on yourself.

Also my baby didn't sleep and was up 8-10 times a night, it's absolute torture. I promise it does get better.

When DH and I met we both worked in finance. I became pregnant and we decided I would quit my job to look after myself/baby but had a MC. Anyway long story short, I am not on mat leave as such but I am a SAHM atm looking after baby. We are in a country where I don't speak the language and would struggle to find a job. Thanks to covid all our great plans fell apart and we got stuck here. Currently working on moving so that we can hopefully both work in the future.

Re combi feeding- I am planning to introduce formula so that I can get proper time off and nights but she has cmpa and other allergies so she is currently being tested (blood and patch) for the formula we want to start.

I know that DH is supporting us financially and needs to be fresh for work but he, himself, recognised that he hates house chores and got the best deal working.
But who likes it?!!!!

We always argue about this and after he does help more but then it all falls back to the bad habits. I hate when the house looks like a dump. I don't think he minds as much...

Whoever suggested the cleaner is correct. Once he starts paying for it, he might want to help a bit more.

Unfortunately I can't just give the baby and disappear for the day because even if I did express milk, she doesn't take bottles 🙄

This morning he asked me "how do you do it? How do you get up at 7am with barely any sleep and start doing all this stuff?"
I just said I have no choice that's how I do it.
He knows he doesn't have to step in because I will do it. Unless he is asked. And this is the part I find very unfair...

While DH was at work I did what I could, when he’s at home we shared chores. The 1st year isdifficult and the sleep deprivation makes everything a lot harder. Everyone needs to pitch in to keep everything ticking over. We also have an unsaid policy of no-ones done till everyones done. Going to work doesn’t mean you don’t have to do the washing up or laundry. It’s insane to think one person has a 40 hour week and the other is on call 24/7 and thats fair.

Having a new baby is totally exhausting so it’s not surprising you’re tired. It will improve.

Make sure DH does what’s expected of him. Puts his dirty clothes in the laundry bin, hangs his towel up after a shower (doesn’t leave it in a heap on the floor or the bed) takes the bins out as a minimum. You are home so it’s only fair that you do the laundry, prepare dinner, keep on top of housework. But that doesn’t mean you’re responsible for everything.

Let DH know you expect him to either bath and settle baby in the evenings whilst you are clearing up from dinner or to help you with the washing up so you can both enjoy as relaxing an evening together as possible with a baby.

Once you return to work let him know he will be doing his 50% of the housework and you expect one day each weekend where you get to sleep in, until noon if necessary.

Work to your strengths. Watching my DH iron a shirt is painful to see, I love ironing, I really do. I iron everything, we split cooking about 75/25 because DH works full time, I’m home all day (wfh) we clean the kitchen together, he will do 50% of everything at the weekends.
You’re a team, don’t forget that.

Being a new mum is hard work. Really hard work. to help you, you’re not alone even though it can feel like you are.

There's lazy and there's passive-aggressively leaving the drudgery of life to you in the hope he'll never have to be an adult and clean up after himself.

If you establish in mat leave that you do all this, including the brainwork of organising it all, chances are you'll carry on doing the bulk of it forever. Years of your life spent scrubbing etc. Not years of his.

To a certain extent, lower your standards. Clean once a week, stop ironing, have basic dinners etc. Outsource what you can to cleaner, online shopping etc.

If I were you, I'd be resentful that his life has barely changed. You should have roughly equal leisure so he doesn't get to rest in the evenings if you're still busy. You can divide up jobs but at the root of it, you need to trust that he takes your happiness seriously and you're in it together.

You might like to show him this www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

I also cosleep with my 5 months old who wakes up 10+ times at night. So to say i am tired is an understatement. DH sleeps in the spare room.

Isn’t this more the problem? The housework will be much the same as when you were working. Obviously looking after the baby is extra; the washing will be a bit more but the baby isn’t old enough to create untidiness (wait till they’re a toddler!)

Did your DH do more of his share of cooking and other housework when you were both out at work?

Honestly it’s just selfishness. Theres a great post floating around about on mn about men buying their leisure time with your exhaustion. I’m going to be honest it’s a lack of respect and love. I don’t want my DH driven into the ground and he doesn’t want that for me either.

At least let him do his own washing an ironing. Find a basket for it, put it out of the way and let him figure it out. He’ll have to do it if he’s off to work.

Are you breastfeeding? If not or if you can express why doesn't your husband do any night shifts? My husband wasn't brilliant at this but did one night on the weekend and one early morning feed in the week so I could get a bit of sleep.
With housework don't stress about it. I vacuum every day but that's because there are 5 of us, 2 cats and my son is mobile now so really need to make sure the floors are relatively clean.
Most other things get done as and when. Try to keep on top of the bathroom and kitchen but my sitting room hasn't seen a duster for a couple of weeks.
Washing is easy enough and buy non iron stuff for you and your husband, baby clothes don't need ironing.
I'm not sure who expects the house to be clean, if it's your husband tell him to do it himself or at least 50%of it. If it's you try to relax and enjoy your baby, they aren't little for long.

@Faedupz2 my DS also refused bottles but we had a break through with mimbie bottles they are online only might be worth a delivery check.
He also would never take a bottle from me but he would his dad or from his GPs.

Get a cleaner even if just in the short term and take the pressure off yourself!

OP, your situation is very common with the new baby. First of all, get a cleaner. Not some time in future, but ASAP. If your husband is an expat and works in finance I trust you can afford an occasional babysitter. Let's say once a week for half a day. Go for a walk/lunch alone. It will amaze you how great it feels. Also you are allowed to drop the ball, your house doesn't need to be tidy all the time,you know...
In regards to your husband... Yes, he works and you don't, but he has to do his share of parenting. One day of the weekend you have uninterrupted sleep and late lazy morning, the other day he does. In weekdays he has to give you consistent time off, even 40 min would do

I disagree that it's 'only fair' OP does most housework. Looking after a baby keeps you busy, especially when you're sleep deprived. There are things OP will have more time in the day to do such as hanging a wash out, but no reason why it shouldn't be equal because when she goes back to work, I'd expect him to do roughly half.

Thank you soooo much for all the helpful comments! And for making me feel like I am not crazy or demanding!

This is all so true. He works 45 hours a week but I am expected to be 24/7. And this is when he wfh. What is going to be like when he physically is in the office?

I resent him for that. His life has barely changed. Oh no wait. He can't work out everyday anymore only 3 times a week and moans because he is tired from waking up at 7am instead of 8am.

I really disagree with pp saying when you’re on maternity housework is your responsibility. I’m on maternity and my husband and I continue to share housework. He isn’t supporting me financially, I saved to pay for my maternity leave, we both contribute equally as normal to the monthly expenses.

My DH hates chores, the solution is he pays for a cleaner and pays for his laundry to be taken away, washed and dried and returned. Being a wife doesn’t mean being his servant.

Looking after DC is a full time job in itself, you would pay a nanny a full time wage and not expect them to do all the housework and cook all the adults meals, that stuff is all extra and should be shared.

If he works a 40 hour week then you should also work a 40 hour week.
What happens in the other 128 hours a week is not more your problem than his.
If he thinks his baby and house need looking after in those 128 hours, he's going to have to climb aboard and do his fucking share.
Thats all there is to it.

Will check out the mimbie bottles thanks

Oh yes also, both ours were waking stupid numbers of times. No one can function on sleep that's that badly broken, including babies. With ours it was a reliance on sucking. We honestly fixed it over about 3 nights with hardly any crying. We decided I'd only feed the baby every 3 hours, and when they woke before that they'd just have Dad, no milk, until the 3 hours were up. My husband had a pretty sleepless first night in a dark room singing and rocking, but the baby wasn't upset, and the second and third nights were progressively much better. It improved so dramatically and so quickly. I would urge your husband to invest in a handful of difficult nights, it could transform your quality of life. You CAN cut down night feeds without him but it's much easier and quicker if dad can step up.

*at 5 months. It seems to be prime time for that association between sucking and sleep to get a bit too ingrained .

@Queenoftheashes

Do men who work full time and live on their own not have to do their own laundry and washing up? They do unless they have a housekeeper. Tell him to pull his weight or sling his hook (in which case he’ll have to pull his weight in his new house).

Exactly, I don't understand why so many think men working outside the home shouldn't have to do anything when it comes to housework etc just purely because they have a partner to do it for them.

OP is not at home while her children are at school, she is literally on maternity, it's round the clock. She is doing more hours than him just with the baby alone, let alone all the housework too.

I don't get how so many men feel fine with having someone else clear up mess they've mad, make them dinner, do their washing....grow up!

I think you need to lower your standards a bit. I have three young kids, a part time job and I manage to get out most days. When on maternity I always washed and blow dry my hair and got out for a coffe or playgroup. My house isn’t perfect. There is a permanent washing pile. But hey ho. It’s not a brag. It’s just I do what I need to do for my mental health. Change your mind set and focus on you.