Marriage/Maternity leave feels like i traded my job to be a housekeeper.

[Faedupz2]

I got married a year ago when I was pregnant. Love my husband dearly and don't think I would trade him for anybody else most days... but... he is lazy. We both know it. And days like today it does really feel like I left my job to be a housekeeper. I hate it.
The constant tidying, cleaning, cooking, feeding, bathing, laundering, shopping, entertaining NON STOP. The only free time i get in the morning is when DH takes baby for a walk... guess what? I am cleaning!
I am so fed up.
I also cosleep with my 5 months old who wakes up 10+ times at night. So to say i am tired is an understatement. DH sleeps in the spare room.

I don't know... am I being a diva here? Is this just normal family life with a baby?
Should I lower my expectations?

And yes it is selfishness. I truly believe it.
He says I shouldn't be doing all the work but then nothing gets done. "I will do it later" that's what I hear.
I put all his shit that he leaves around the house in "his" drawer because I got tired of tidying for him. His drawer has not been sorted since we moved in this flat. A year ago.

And i did tell him that on the long term things aren't going to work out especially if I feel like a single parent most days. But according to him I am exaggerating and he does stuff ALL THE TIME. Just needs a week long break in between.

OP you say you are abroad and your DH works in finance so maybe you can afford a cleaner/mother's help? In one way your dh should do his share but if finances allow then I think it's a good solution to buy in some help.

OP, for a day record the work you do (childcare, housework, home maintenance, household admin, cooking etc) in 15 min units. Anything between say 9 pm and 7 am record at double time. Then compare it to your husband's working hours (including commute) plus the childcare, housework, home maintenance, household admin and cooking he does. And ask him how he's going to even up the hours so you are doing the same number of hours on average across the week.

He is buying his leisure with your labour. Don't let him do it.

Not normal. He's taking you for a mug. Maternity leave is so you can care for your baby and recover from the birth. It is not so you can become an unpaid maid.

Stop doing things for him. He's an adult so he can do his own laundry etc. Make it clear this isn't working and he needs to start take responsibility for himself and his child. Nip this in the bud now and certainly before you return to work.

As a SAHM I don’t just sit around on my arse all day, I’m constantly busy, tidying, shopping, cleaning, gardening etc. I don’t get five minutes to myself, I’m still ironing at 9 o clock at night. Everything is a struggle for that first year, it will get easy but only time will help.

Maternity leave is not housework leave.

The government/ your employer/ whoever pays you at the moment is mot doing so so that your husband doesn’t have to do housework chores that he previously shared with you pre baby. You’re being paid to be on leave throughout this time because you need to recover from the birth and bond with your baby.

Housework should still be split - your “day job”’is looking after the baby. If you pick up a bit more housework then all well and good, but it’s not your “job”.

A sahp with a child in childcare should do the majority of the housework but young children are exhausting and so the housework cannot solely fall to that person. Honestly if being a sahp was so easy and fun don’t you think more men would jump at the chance- it’s a fucking slog! I actually hate the MNetters who think working a regular 9-5 at a desk requires 2 lay ins, and a full time maid. And no don’t get a cleaner, assuming your husband isn’t ill or disabled I’m sure he can clean up a little. Shocking but lots of people can work and clean it doesn’t ruin their middle class existence

@GameSetMatch

As a SAHM I don’t just sit around on my arse all day, I’m constantly busy, tidying, shopping, cleaning, gardening etc. I don’t get five minutes to myself, I’m still ironing at 9 o clock at night. Everything is a struggle for that first year, it will get easy but only time will help.

Why don’t you get a break? Sunday afternoon for a few hours? Why are you ironing at 9pm?

I found my exh selfish to the core at these times. Couldn’t get past in and hence an ex.

Why should OP wait for "time" to help when there's an equally responsible adult who should be doing his share?

@Mincingfuckdragon

OP, for a day record the work you do (childcare, housework, home maintenance, household admin, cooking etc) in 15 min units. Anything between say 9 pm and 7 am record at double time. Then compare it to your husband's working hours (including commute) plus the childcare, housework, home maintenance, household admin and cooking he does. And ask him how he's going to even up the hours so you are doing the same number of hours on average across the week.

I'd give this a go. It might make him realise he 100% needs to step up

Op, you need to be clear with your dh, you are not at home to be his housekeeper.

So if you cook the evening meal, he clears up. You might put all the washing on, but he does his own ironing.
He has plenty of time at weekends to clean the bathroom while you whizz around with the hoover.
And be clear you want equal leisure time. Book a class or a swim session at the weekend and leave him with the baby.

You’re personally in a very precarious position being overseas with no job, language barriers etc. Would you have legal right to return to the UK with your DC in the event that you wanted to?

Well yep, that is kind of what it is. If you're at home all the You pick up the lions share.

It's dull and boring and why I went back work as soon as I could.

“Lazy” is not congenital and I changeable. It’s a choice - he chooses to not do the housework because it is easier for him if you do it.

Personally I would go ballistic on the husband and tell him to pull his dead ass weight or get the fuck out of the house and the marriage. But then I’m not the greatest negotiator and this technique has been known to backfire. It does get your point across nicely, he won’t be able to plead ignorance on top of laziness.

Can't he look after baby for two/ three hours in the evening so you can nap?

I don’t agree with people saying you should be doing the bulk of the work as u are on mat leave…mat leave isn’t to do all chores it’s too look after yourself and the baby and to bond. Pfft, do better husbands.

YANBU and he needs to do his share in the evenings/weekends. No doubt.

At the same time I suggest you to lower your Standards a bit. A 5months old is still not scooting around therefore I do not understand the constant need of cleading/tidying up? Your are "allowed" to not have a perfect super tidy house, dedicate 2 slots per week to deep cleaning (best thing would be that your DH Covers 1 slot) and few minutes euch days to tidy up the Kitchen etc.
Batch cooking can also help.

Being a SAHM may have been your original plan, but at that point you didn’t know how it’d go or how your H would behave.

SAH entails HUGE personal risks, especially if you’re a ‘trailing spouse’.

It can work out v well for some, I know some v happy SAHMs, but IMO it definitely won’t work out well with a DH with any whiff of sexism or belief that he is above his DW. Sadly, many, many men have sexist attitudes and this comes to the fore when DC1 arrives.

I’d expect a non working partner to pick up the household tasks if I was expected to bare the burden of the whole financial responsibility. I’d not feel it fair they opted out of that but then expected me to do half the tasks on top.
Moot point though as it’s not for me that set up.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I’d expect a non working partner to pick up the household tasks if I was expected to bare the burden of the whole financial responsibility. I’d not feel it fair they opted out of that but then expected me to do half the tasks on top. Moot point though as it’s not for me that set up.

For a SAHM, I would agree with you

But OP is on mat leave with a baby that wakes many times in the night

But OP is on mat leave with a baby that wakes many times in the night

She has clarified that she isn't on maternity leave at all - she is, in fact, a SAHM. Despite choosing those words for the thread title...

Anyway long story short, I am not on mat leave as such but I am a SAHM atm looking after baby

I would say get a cleaner to come in to do weekly cleaning of deep cleaning bathrooms, kitchen, mopping floors etc etc..sounds like you can afford it. Why does it have to be specifically him that cleans?. As long as its done right?. Then give him jobs that are his specifically ie emptying bins, washing up/emptying dishwasher every night, folding and putting away washed clothes every night etc.

If apart from this he is a good husband then i wouldnt approach this in an aggressive way. Fact is most men have grown up seeing their mums doing the bulk of chores and it is ingrained in them. I would work towards being able to leave the baby with him for long periods , that is definitely necessary. He needs to get used to having baby on his own as PP have said. Also definitely have a weekend day that you wake up whenever you want to.

Also please do not clean when you husband takes baby for a walk. Make yourself a nice tea or coffee and watch netflix