To ask you how to handle this situation as I really am at a loss?

[Battleoftheislands]

In-laws live 2.5 hours away, we mostly get on fine and I enjoy their company...but in small doses.

Every time they want to come and visit/ stay with us they insist that they come for 5-6 days as it’s too long a journey to just do a weekend. I let this go for years, but I’ve just got to a point in my life where I can’t cope with guests, any guests, be it my own friends and family or someone else’s for more than 2-3 days at a time. Conversation runs dry and I just end up feeling really drained and want my space back. DH feels the same, though he is better with me at dealing with prolonged stays.

DH told in-laws this a couple of years ago and there’s been nothing but flouncing and digs made ever since. In-laws were meant to be staying with us next weekend. Yesterday MIL messages saying they’d like to stay until the Thursday. DH pushes back and says they’re more than welcome Fri-Monday or Sat- Tuesday. MIL now messages saying she’s trying to book hotels for the duration of their stay but is finding it difficult. She’s now talking about coming up in the campervan and sleeping outside in the drive in that.

Just WTAF?! I’ve said to DH that she’s just being ridiculous now, they’re more than welcome for 3 nights, why isn’t that sufficient?! And if they want to stay for 5-6 then yes, fine, book into a hotel or sleep in the bloody VW but they don’t have to do that for the whole duration.

I’m so tired of this crap, why is it so hard to understand that I just don’t want guests for 5-6 days unless there’s a real need, and living 2.5 hours down the road isn’t a real need IMO.

AIBU? I just find it so rude to try and dictate how long you stay in someone’s house and then be manipulative when you can’t get your own way entirely. Surely a compromise is a long weekend?

They come and stay 4-5 times a year.

This is really too much, even for 3 day visits. How often do your parents visit?

I would scale back to 2 x 3 day visits pa and if this is really not possible than not more than 4 x 3 day visits pa.

Oh my word. I wouldn't put up with this at all. 2 to 3 days is so long never mind 6 😢

I would hate this!! 5 days is far too long. Even for the short visit, on arrival day can you go into the office/work from Costa/your car anywhere!! And don't leave them a key. Get home just after DH and let him deal with the sulking?

This happens four or five times a year?! Do you ever get to say "It's not convenient this time sorry" to them? (Do your parents ever come to stay..?)

I think you are going to have to be the one to stipulate more about these visits, as your DH is a bit of wet blanket and won't be specific in his replies to them. Their assuming that they can come at the time they like and let themselves in, as though the house was empty during the day, is truly astounding. Presumably they know you work from home, and they are therefore being dismissive of your position as one with equal say in how the house is used. If your DH won't say "That won't work for us, DW is WFH and can't be disturbed" then either you do it or he sticks to blunt directions like "We will be pleased to see you at 5:30 on Friday, and can accommodate you until (eg) Sunday night. Please let me know if you would like to stay".

They are so cheeky and I would be livid at their dismissing me as irrelevant like that!

@MrsCatE

For once I’m confused re situation, they literally give you no hassle and if the position reversed, I assume you’d be expected to be waited on hand and foot because your Vag expedited grandchild?

Where did grandchild come into the picture? Now go and lie down in a dark room

Yes, they are being unreasonable, but dealing with real people and all their foibles is never as simple as one might wish. I think the only way to short circuit this behaviour is to invite yourselves to stay with them, so get in first. Then you have absolute control over the length of the visit, without the inconvenience of hosting. I presume that their prime reason for inviting themselves to your house so often is a wish to see more of their child, rather than just having a holiday.

@simitra

Why are so many Mumsnet women married to weak passive men who will not say "no" to their parents?

Because there are so, so many weak, ineffectual men around. They have an especially hard time saying no to mummy.

I couldn’t do it - my ovaries would shrivel up a bit more each time. Just couldn’t have sex with someone who’s such a baby.

You have a DH problem.
He needs to go on an assertiveness training course so that he can have a conversation with his parents without reverting back to being childlike during it.
He is an adult and he needs to behave as such, even to his parents.
Could you frame a discussion with him but make the topic about a visiting rep coming to his company and he agrees to be hospitable for 3 days but the rep keeps pushing for 5-6 days or 6-7 days and you know that the rep lives in the next city over?

Then you need to sit down at the kitchen table with him while they are there and HE needs to explain that 2.5hrs away doesn't require a week long stay. It's at most an overnight thing or perhaps 2 days.
If they came for shorter visits, you both might be more open to seeing them more frequently throughout the year perhaps? (not that that has any bearing on the current situation but it could be used as a sweetener)

Ugh my pils used to invite themselves to stay to ‘look after the house’ when we were away (not interested in us the rest if the time) and then invite their friends over to stay too.
It was bad enough to have to do a major cleanup every time we went away but then to find out afterwards that others had stayed on several occasions
Husband just ok’ed it with them when they asked and I caved in. Every time

I found my balls a few years ago and have knocked that well and truly on the head

They can’t do it unless you let them.

My in-laws were like this. My MIL is very controlling (I blame my FIL who is a compulsive liar and so she micro manages). As others have said your DH has to deal with this. My DH had terrible arguments as my IL would just ignore my feelings/request (and my DH always caved in as it was easier to deal with me then them). He would try negotiate, reason and then just ignore and not deal with the issue. It got to the point where I said I would go away with the kids when they came over.

My DH actually had therapy to deal with his childhood and one thing he learnt was you can't reason with people like this. You have to be firm and to the point and repeat.

"No that does not work for us. You can come Friday - Monday. If we don't hear from you by x date you can't come".

Things have massively improved. My MIL does tend to try and push it, but my DH is better at curtailing this (the therapy really did help open his eyes to their behaviour).

@MrsCatE

For once I’m confused re situation, they literally give you no hassle and if the position reversed, I assume you’d be expected to be waited on hand and foot because your Vag expedited grandchild?

Clearly there's something going on with you and OP has touched a nerve. Perhaps start your own thread?

@grasstreeleaf

One option is to only entertain the days you said and then really carry on as if they weren't there. Make appointments, arrangements with other friends, work, you name it. Have tradesmen round doing as many jobs that need doing that you can think off. Be busy and show it. Hopefully they will realise how you are fixed and cannot stop everything for them.

They won't. Even approaches this unsubtle don't work on people this self-absorbed and immature. A blunt tool is required. That tool is the word 'No'. I'd be tempted to tell them they can't stay at all until they have amended their behaviour and stopped sulking and flouncing like a couple of petulant, overgrown children. And even if they meet this condition, I'd start insisting on even shorter stays (one overnight) until they've proved they can behave for the duration. I don't see why more than one night is necessary in any case.

That's much the same approach as I'd take with a toddler. These two people behave in much the same way as that age group. First thing to teach them is that actions = consequences.

My DH actually had therapy to deal with his childhood and one thing he learnt was you can't reason with people like this. You have to be firm and to the point and repeat.

Very true.

We had a random etiquette book in my school library which said that the length of stay should be calculated at one night per hour of travel. It feels like a good rule of thumb to me, but the book also suggests putting unmarried couples in adjoining rooms, and making sure that your guests are prepared if you are holding a tennis tournament or gymkhana so it may not be reflective of real life...

When I was little we used to go and stay regularly with my gran, who lived around 4-5 hours away. This would be 7 - 10 days on main holidays, and occasional weekends through the year. She had a small 2 bed flat.

After a number of years (and I'm talking a good number) dm realised that the weekends we left feeling "wish we could stay longer" and her thinking "sorry they're going".
By day 4-5 on the longer trips she would have had enough of us, and we would be bored and bad tempered.
So she suggested that we reduced the trips down to 5 days, and increased the number of weekends.
Both df and gran were initially not impressed and objected. However, once they'd done a couple they found that actually it did work better. Far better for everyone to leave regretting it, than to leave thinking "thank goodness".

@JuneOsborne

Fucking hell, they're taking the piss and your DH is enabling it.

Set up a family WhatsApp group and lay it out.

Hello in laws. About your planned visit. You are welcome to come to ours, but with work and the likes, we can only host you here from X to X. DH has tried to explain, but I'm not sure he's done it well enough, or if you've heard him well enough. We've got some lovely stuff planned for while you're here, but after the Monday, we're just not about. So, to confirm, the spare room is made up and ready for you for those 3 days. There's been talk of a hotel/campervan. What are your plans, because the hotel after Monday seems like a fantastic idea, the campervan on our drive isn't an option.

Direct. Nice and direct.

This sounds an excellent message!

Some people are not 5-hour's driving-in-a-day people, they would genuinely find it arduous, especially if they have some health niggles, arthritis etc. Even doing half of it the next day is probably a lot for some. But 2 nights (or 3) is enough.

Time to find a new use for your spare room op..
They are cheeky fuckers.. Send dh to visit them if he wants to see them. Your duties are done..
Any chance they helped with house deposit and feel your home is somehow part theirs?
Or just trying to make dh attend to their wants over yours?

@me4real

Some people are not 5-hour's driving-in-a-day people, they would genuinely find it arduous, especially if they have some health niggles, arthritis etc. Even doing half of it the next day is probably a lot for some. But 2 nights (or 3) is enough.

I'd lower that to one.