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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you how to handle this situation as I really am at a loss?

95 replies

Battleoftheislands · 16/09/2021 21:51

In-laws live 2.5 hours away, we mostly get on fine and I enjoy their company...but in small doses.

Every time they want to come and visit/ stay with us they insist that they come for 5-6 days as it’s too long a journey to just do a weekend. I let this go for years, but I’ve just got to a point in my life where I can’t cope with guests, any guests, be it my own friends and family or someone else’s for more than 2-3 days at a time. Conversation runs dry and I just end up feeling really drained and want my space back. DH feels the same, though he is better with me at dealing with prolonged stays.

DH told in-laws this a couple of years ago and there’s been nothing but flouncing and digs made ever since. In-laws were meant to be staying with us next weekend. Yesterday MIL messages saying they’d like to stay until the Thursday. DH pushes back and says they’re more than welcome Fri-Monday or Sat- Tuesday. MIL now messages saying she’s trying to book hotels for the duration of their stay but is finding it difficult. She’s now talking about coming up in the campervan and sleeping outside in the drive in that.

Just WTAF?! I’ve said to DH that she’s just being ridiculous now, they’re more than welcome for 3 nights, why isn’t that sufficient?! And if they want to stay for 5-6 then yes, fine, book into a hotel or sleep in the bloody VW but they don’t have to do that for the whole duration.

I’m so tired of this crap, why is it so hard to understand that I just don’t want guests for 5-6 days unless there’s a real need, and living 2.5 hours down the road isn’t a real need IMO.

AIBU? I just find it so rude to try and dictate how long you stay in someone’s house and then be manipulative when you can’t get your own way entirely. Surely a compromise is a long weekend?

OP posts:
Elieza · 17/09/2021 00:30

Your DH is the problem here. He’s too used to being the boy when his parents make the decisions.

Just put headphones on when they arrive early and tell them to help themselves to food/coffee for you’re working and your boss can see you through the system and knows when you’re away from your desk so you will catch up with them after work. Put headphones on. Work and ignore them.

I’d even suggest to DH that he books a hotel room for you to wfh in on weekdays if they distract you.

I’d be totally telling them that it’s nothing personal but you’re tired after work hence you’d prefer weekend visits not weekday ones so you can spend quality time together all of you.

Why can’t they bugger off for a few days in the camper van and sightsee and leave you in peace, and swing by on their way home.

Mamanyt · 17/09/2021 00:33

Good grief! How old ARE these people? I'm 68, and would happily drive 2.5 hours to do an overnight with either of my sons and their families! Of course, the USA is a tiny bit larger than GB, so we tend to consider 2.5 hours a short-ish trip.

LimeRedBanana · 17/09/2021 00:40

DH then says to them ‘well I won’t be home til 7 though

This is beyond ineffectual. They take that as him letting them know that he won’t be around. Not that they can’t come until then (or closer to then).

He needs to complete the sentence -

“I won’t be home til 7, and as Battle works from home, arriving that early doesn’t work. Aim to get here for [insert palatable time].”

simitra · 17/09/2021 00:45

My response would be to get your partners phone, message them as though you were him, and tell them like it is. Since he seems incapable of doing it.

Ijustknowitstimetogo · 17/09/2021 00:49

YANBU. Even when I go and visit my mother or brothers I only stay 3 nights including at Christmas.

MitheringMytryl · 17/09/2021 01:01

My in laws live on another continent. We see them once a year at most. When they come and stay, they stay for about 3 days, then they go off to a holiday let or hotel up the coast for a few nights, so that they aren't imposing on us and getting bored, then they come back for another 3 days or so. Then they leave.

Exactly how far away are these people that they simply must stay with you for almost a week at a time, even when you have told them you can only host for 2 or 3 nights?

Nogardenersworld · 17/09/2021 01:22

Sounds like DH and MIL

MIL (who lives 45 mins away) once declared at 3pm on a Wednesday, that it was now too late to drive home and she would be staying the weekend.

She was shooed out so fast she didn’t know what had happened.

Overloadedunappreciated · 17/09/2021 01:33

YANBU but don't entertain the VW Campervan suggestion either. That's going to require access to your house for showers/cooking and by default you'll find yourself in almost the exact situation you were trying to avoid.

Stick to your guns - 3 day visit or hotel!

ItsDinah · 17/09/2021 01:38

Lockdown has made you realise how important music is to you and how important that your PILs lives are enriched. Wagner's Ring cycle is over 15 hours long so should take up a few evenings. Print off the score and insist on following it. You must learn to play an instrument. If you already have piano then practice scales for a couple of hours a day and have a bash at some lengthier experimental classical pieces. Get to grips with Schoenberg. If you are a novice, the saxophone is a strong contender for the most upsetting instrument to hear a beginner play. Bagpipes are easy . If you learnt the recorder at infant school,you will be able to play the bagpipes. Bagpiping is a great side hustle too if you are looking for some pin money.

me4real · 17/09/2021 02:04

3 or 4 weeks a year of in-laws; wow.

I agree @Battleoftheislands . They definitely need to be told they can't arrive before 5.30 or something as you are working.

I don't see how the campervan in the drive would be much better for them to spend the 5 days than if they were in the house. I imagine they'll still be in the house for most of the time, they'd just use the van to sleep in.

I would emphasise the health angle @Battleoftheislands . People can't argue quite as much with that. Try and find a way of emphasising the severity of it and not just accepting 'oh but we won't be any trouble' etc, being then able to respond to that.

me4real · 17/09/2021 02:09

@ItsDinah makes a good suggestion.

You could also become devoutly spiritual @Battleoftheislands and practice yogic chanting. Maybe a Satanic altar in the front room upon which you make blood offerings and daily black masses where you stamp upon the cross.

JuneOsborne · 17/09/2021 02:19

Fucking hell, they're taking the piss and your DH is enabling it.

Set up a family WhatsApp group and lay it out.

Hello in laws. About your planned visit. You are welcome to come to ours, but with work and the likes, we can only host you here from X to X. DH has tried to explain, but I'm not sure he's done it well enough, or if you've heard him well enough. We've got some lovely stuff planned for while you're here, but after the Monday, we're just not about. So, to confirm, the spare room is made up and ready for you for those 3 days. There's been talk of a hotel/campervan. What are your plans, because the hotel after Monday seems like a fantastic idea, the campervan on our drive isn't an option.

Direct. Nice and direct.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/09/2021 02:53

Gosh, 2.5h is a weekend visit for me - even just an overnighter. I wouldn't really want to do there and back in a day, I do get tired driving, but I certainly wouldn't need 5-6 days!!

Your ILs are, of course, being unreasonable.
Your DH needs to stop asking "are you not staying with us then?" and just respond with "Oh good, let us know when you arrive at your hotel". He's just feeding into the situation.

Campervan on your driveway? I don't think so - they'll be in and out of your house all the time!

As for turning up halfway through your working day, then there was a whole thread recently from a poster whose ILs did this almost daily - the advice was to lock the doors from the inside and leave the key in, close the curtains/blinds, stick a note on the door saying "WORKING UNTIL 5pm - please come back then" (or similar) and then refuse to answer the door. Alternatively, if it's possible, you could go and work in an alternative venue for the afternoon - library, quite coffeeshop, your car parked somewhere else, that sort of thing.

Because you have been accommodating, they will continue to force you to be accommodating, because they know they can get away with it. To stop it, you have to change what YOU do (as they won't, willingly) to put THEM out.

Good luck - I wouldn't be able to cope with people for more than 3 days either.

simitra · 17/09/2021 03:41

Why are so many Mumsnet women married to weak passive men who will not say "no" to their parents?

Meeeerkat · 17/09/2021 04:50

I’d look at hotel availability myself and send her links saying there’s plenty available (which there probably is). I’m sure another excuse will arise but I think you need to be a bit brazen and just shut down any excuse with solutions to show you won’t give in.

Joystir59 · 17/09/2021 04:57

They are ridiculous.

Kiduknot · 17/09/2021 05:15

You are already the bad gut, so what does it matter if you yourself have to tell them straight, if dh won’t?

Kiduknot · 17/09/2021 05:15

Guy

JammiDiamond666 · 17/09/2021 05:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

itsgettingwierd · 17/09/2021 05:25

I completely understand you don't want them in your house 5-6 days.

But I can't understand the issue you have with them booming a hotel near your or having camper near you 5-6 days.

You say you don't want them dictating how long they're at yours but want to dictate how long they stay in their own accommodation Confused

If the come for 5/6 days then you meet them for how ever many you are free for at times you are free. A few hours here and there is much easier than then being at your house for 2-3 days surely? - and you're happy with that!

HeronLanyon · 17/09/2021 05:32

This is just astonishing.
They seem to have mdr a huge thing of a 2.5 journey and feel they need to make it worthwhile by staying so long - I that it?
Or is it much more simple ned they are just demanding/competitive in some way.
You’re both busy and work.
To achieve some balance does it work (I know you do not want to do this) if you split the visits and stay with them for say two nights - or a hotel nearby so they can see it can be done ?
Having people to stay for so long - even when invited and welcomed and eagerly anticipated is hard work and can be exhausting. For most people I’d think. Certainly for me.
You need to have a word with dh. He needs to say it’s just too much what with jobs and wfh etc. He needs not to ‘blame’ anyone but to give this as an obvious reason from both of you. ‘Love to have you for 2/3 nights or if you’re in a hotel for longer than that we’ll love seeing you/arrange some things too’

knittingaddict · 17/09/2021 07:02

My daughter lived the same distance from us. We would usually visit for the day and sometimes stayed over for one night. That was the extent of our visits. I know everyone is different, but 2.5 hours is nothing and she shouldn'tbe pushing the issue like this.

I'm an introvert and hate having overnight guests too op.

LittleOwl153 · 17/09/2021 07:39

I'd suggest a site for the campervan which is reasonably close (but not on your driveway!). They can then stay there independently whenever they like. But only get invited into your home when you are ready.

I'd absolutely not be hosting for 6 days and they would not be allowed in my house whilst I was working - especially if I was working from home and could not escape them. Nightmare.

I do think though you need your DH to get a grip on this one and stop letting you deal with it all.

violetbunny · 17/09/2021 07:42

I think the key here is that they don't actually think 2.5 hours journey is too long, they just want to stay longer and are using this as an excuse. What it boils down to is that they want to control the situation.

So you have to take back control. As a PP has mentioned, the campervan suggestion is pure manipulation to either get you to agree, or because if they actually do it then they know they'll end up staying inside the whole trip anyway.

You need to enforce your boundaries by using a broken record technique - "We will see you either Fri- Sun or Sat-Tues, it doesn't work for us for you to stay longer. Please let us know which day to expect you." Ignore their strops and tantrums and manipulation, and just keep on repeating.

Out of interest, are they controlling in other ways while they visit? It wouldn't surprise me at all if they were.

pelosi · 17/09/2021 07:47

@itsgettingwierd

I completely understand you don't want them in your house 5-6 days.

But I can't understand the issue you have with them booming a hotel near your or having camper near you 5-6 days.

You say you don't want them dictating how long they're at yours but want to dictate how long they stay in their own accommodation Confused

If the come for 5/6 days then you meet them for how ever many you are free for at times you are free. A few hours here and there is much easier than then being at your house for 2-3 days surely? - and you're happy with that!

The hotel is fine but the camper is a bad idea. They will use the excuse of using the loo, having a shower, cups of tea and food and will never leave the house.