To ask you how to handle this situation as I really am at a loss?

[Battleoftheislands]

In-laws live 2.5 hours away, we mostly get on fine and I enjoy their company...but in small doses.

Every time they want to come and visit/ stay with us they insist that they come for 5-6 days as it’s too long a journey to just do a weekend. I let this go for years, but I’ve just got to a point in my life where I can’t cope with guests, any guests, be it my own friends and family or someone else’s for more than 2-3 days at a time. Conversation runs dry and I just end up feeling really drained and want my space back. DH feels the same, though he is better with me at dealing with prolonged stays.

DH told in-laws this a couple of years ago and there’s been nothing but flouncing and digs made ever since. In-laws were meant to be staying with us next weekend. Yesterday MIL messages saying they’d like to stay until the Thursday. DH pushes back and says they’re more than welcome Fri-Monday or Sat- Tuesday. MIL now messages saying she’s trying to book hotels for the duration of their stay but is finding it difficult. She’s now talking about coming up in the campervan and sleeping outside in the drive in that.

Just WTAF?! I’ve said to DH that she’s just being ridiculous now, they’re more than welcome for 3 nights, why isn’t that sufficient?! And if they want to stay for 5-6 then yes, fine, book into a hotel or sleep in the bloody VW but they don’t have to do that for the whole duration.

I’m so tired of this crap, why is it so hard to understand that I just don’t want guests for 5-6 days unless there’s a real need, and living 2.5 hours down the road isn’t a real need IMO.

AIBU? I just find it so rude to try and dictate how long you stay in someone’s house and then be manipulative when you can’t get your own way entirely. Surely a compromise is a long weekend?

Yanbu im the same-mil once stayed for a week i nearly went mad said never again

i dont overstay ewither if someone said can u just make it one night please id be abolutely fine-its their house up to them

Also inlaws arrange it for when dh is here otherwise whats the point especially if your working

See, if we lived abroad then yes, fair enough (though depending where abroad, Spain for instance, a week would be my limit. Somewhere further afield like the states I would grit my teeth and try and tolerate 2 weeks but I know my mental health would be shot to pieces)

It’s the fact it’s 2.5 hours and apparently that needs a 6 day stay. Just ridiculous. They’re more than welcome to stay for 6 days, but it’ll be 3 at ours and 3 in a hotel and if they want to cut their nose off completely and stay in a hotel for the whole time instead then that’s their lookout, but I’ll be making them aware that they have cut their nose off and that they could’ve had 3 days at ours.

@MrsCatE, they give me no hassle?! Love how you’ve made that assumption.

And no, I absolutely wouldn’t expect the same in return (I wouldn’t want it, I couldn’t think of anything worse than staying 6 days in someone else’s house) and we’re not having children

I sympathise as my MIL stays the same length of time! It means that every time she starts talking about coming I put her off as long as possible. A weekend is long enough but I can’t stand visitors still being there when I’m back at work after the weekends over.

I enjoyed the travel restrictions during the pandemic!

YANBU but you do have a DH problem. He has allowed this situation to develop and I would be furious if it were my DH.

What is a lovely kind thing to offer (3 days welcoming hospitality) is being scorned as not good enough. I’d be livid. Absolutely raging especially as hosting is hard work and you are home and he is not.

Ignore your in laws. (But yes 2.5hrs we go for the day! 5 days is ridiculous,)

@Battleoftheislands apologies. Obviously, upset you but still trying to get my head around it!

I’m of the age that sprog was born, hoards descended and you (baby) sucked up - literally.

Let them stay in a hotel, fine, but the camper van thing is incredibly passive aggressive and will be the worst of both worlds. They’ll be in your house for everything except sleeping, and you’ll feel so guilty they will of course end up inside, which they know. And all parties will be cross.

How often do they want to come and stay? I do think you're being a bit mean. It sounds like you just don't like them and does your husband actually agree or is he just agreeing with you to keep the peace? Once a year for 5/6 days doesn't sound too bad with some shorter visits in between. Make it clear though that you won't be hosting the whole time. You still have things you need to be getting on with and they help themselves to drinks/food. Surely some compromise can be reached.

Shit. My double bad @Battleoftheislands I’m sending over a very stinky, much used ex army tent - sans ground sheet for in-laws comfort. X

I’m putting Apple pies in their bedding now - snigger.

Our son lives with his girlfriend about 2.5 hours away.
We always book a hotel and meet up for lunch or dinner. For one or two days.
Your in-laws are acting clingy and overbearingly.

@Crinkle77 I have hosted them for 5 days multiple times over the years. It always ends with me utterly miserable just wishing they would go. I do like them, but we have very different personalities and 5 days is just too much. I am literally at boiling point.

They come and stay 4-5 times a year. I have compromised, 3 days is my compromise. DH says he finds more than that too much, whether he’s just saying that to appease me I don’t know, but I do know I wouldn’t enforce my family on him for more than 3 days in a row as he would be fed up of them too. Again, he likes my family but in small doses.

For me it’s the principal, I find it incredibly bad manners and so rude to try and dictate how long you stay in someone else’s home. In fact, I can’t imagine ever doing this and would cringe if I did.

2.5 hours is a day visit. Used to visit my grandparents one Saturday a month. Get up and leave at 7. Stop for breakfast at 9. Get there at 11. Have lunch, visit, maybe take my grandmother to the store. Have an afternoon snack or early tea. Leave at 7 and home by 10.

I’d now reply with a “sorry, it doesn’t fit our plans. Oh well let me know when you next have 2 free days”. And blank them.

Honestly, I hate that kind of behaviour as I think 3 days is super generous. I’m a 24hr host then everyone needs to leave!

My sympathies. My mil is rarely in touch and when she is tends to then announce 'we're coming to visit next week!' Makes me blood boil.

Over the years I've managed to get her to give more notice thank f* . Also we don't have a spare room so they have to stay elsewhere.

If they arrive before you finish work, completely stand firm no way they can enter. Make this super clear and in writing ( text or email)
It will be lovely to see you. On Friday I have a meeting with X / deadline to meet etc etc something specific. Let's meet at dinner time when dh gets home. Maybe even suggest you meet out somewhere ?

With all my family I find public places, meals out etc so much more enjoyable as everyone is on their best behaviour and noone (me) jase tra cooking/ tidying etc tasks to do.

Re communication, mine is equally challenged and far too nice. We have a group WhatsApp and I now have a reputation for being blunt.. how much does it matter what they think of you? Don't be too polite. State your boundaries, it will feel great!

A good mantra

'other people's thoughts are their own'

They are being so rude. If they think you are less welcoming, perhaps that will put them off coming so often/so long. It’s time to assert your boundaries, eg make it clear they’re not coming in until 6pm. They can find something to occupy themselves if they insist on arriving early.

You need to get angrier with your DH tbh as he’s not helping matters at all. He needs to tell them straight out, ‘no, you cannot come here before 7. @Battleoftheislands is working and so am I’. Stop it with all the passive sort-of-telling-them-but-not and pretending they’re going to take the hint. They’re not, and he’s being disingenuous in expecting them to.

Ridiculous! Yanbu. They think they need to let the horses rest or somerhing??? Do not back down. Ive travelled hours to see people for lunch. Once i went to harrogate from dublin for a long lunch. Fabulous. Didnt even stay one night!

Will you and DH not be at work?

My husband's family are like this. They invite themselves, booking flights and announcing they are staying for ten days! It's been the only good thing about the pandemic.

I agree it is rude but my parents dont think it is possible for them to be rude to me or hurt me. Only the other way around. They dont understand thst that"s what's going on and that it's an unhealthy dynamic, but our roles forever will be parental /respectful aka authoritarian / compliance. And when i push back, they certainly do not think "oh we were rude/hurtful". No, they are indignant at my lack of respect.

I do not know how you break out of this dynamic.

As you have said, you WFH, your home is your workplace, therefore surely you have got the perfect excuse.

As pp said, they cannot be in your home when you are still at work. They can’t arrive until after 5pm as you will be working till then, so no arriving early and letting themselves in. Then after the weekend, you are back to work on the Monday, so they need to be out by 10am at the latest, as you have work to do. If they don’t play ball and leave early on the Monday, then the next time they come they have to leave on the Sunday!

Your dh does need to back you up on this. Will he though?

Why the hell haven’t they been told straight out not to do that?? It’s so rude, just inviting yourself to someone’s home and imposing a time period like that without even asking if it works for them!

@Sagaz

I agree it is rude but my parents dont think it is possible for them to be rude to me or hurt me. Only the other way around. They dont understand thst that"s what's going on and that it's an unhealthy dynamic, but our roles forever will be parental /respectful aka authoritarian / compliance. And when i push back, they certainly do not think "oh we were rude/hurtful". No, they are indignant at my lack of respect.

I do not know how you break out of this dynamic.

You break out of it by stopping playing that game. They aren’t authority figures anymore, they’re not your superiors, you’re not a child and they don’t get to dictate to you!

You push back and you let them freak out. Their words don’t touch you and their indignant posturing is ignored by you.