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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Fiancé has just walked out..

118 replies

fleurde · 16/09/2021 20:34

So my partner has just got home from work.. it's been on my mind a lot recently about how often he uses his mobile whilst driving. Not always, but more and more often recently. E.g one time he actually FaceTimed me.. I answered and we were chatting away; until I realised he was driving.
I was so angry and disappointed that I hung up immediately.

When I was young I lost my father. Not in a road accident, but in a very unexpected circumstance, where one day he was here, the next he was gone. It was completely unexpected and since this, it's triggered an enormous fear in me about loosing anybody else that I love.
I know that it's inevitable at some stage, but I just have this urgency to protect all of my loved ones from harm.

He came home this evening. I asked him how his day was, he said he'd spoken to his friend on the way home. Great, or so I thought.
He was apparently on FaceTime.
He does have his phone propped up, so it isn't in his hand as such - but it really freaks me out.
I did say that I wasn't impressed by this and that it's really bloody dangerous, and things have just exploded.
He's called me controlling, said what can I do about it.. and has just walked out.

He's left me here eating dinner alone, pondering why I even bother to look out for him when he's risking his bloody life like this.

My anxiety can't take much more 😓

OP posts:
Bellagio40 · 16/09/2021 23:59

@Suzy39 The woman in the video gave a talk at my son’s high school a few years ago. She is incredibly brave and there wasn’t a dry eye in the house. They were hit on the way home from her college graduation ceremony and her father died immediately and her mother was dying when the emergency services arrived. I remember her saying after two months in hospital due to the extent of her injuries, the doctors did not know whether she would be ever be able to have children. She is an incredible woman and her story has stayed with us

TiddyTidTwo · 17/09/2021 00:00

YANBU. I won't even talk hands free audio whilst driving. It's distracting and you are not fully focused on driving whilst talking on the phone.

me4real · 17/09/2021 00:19

I don't understand. Surely you are expressing your worries to your partner? I'm not saying you're wrong to do so, or course.

@Droite I'm imagining OP is saying she doesn't make a habit of doing so, she just had to in this instance.

groovergirl · 17/09/2021 00:34

YANBU, OP. A driver, when driving, has one job to do -- DRIVE! Not chatting, not making work calls, not trying to entertain the person next to them or expecting that person to entertain the driver. Just bloody well shut up and drive, dammit!

Two of my school friends, in the year after we left school, were killed in accidents caused by distracted drivers. My colleague's brother, aged 17, was killed by a distracted driver.

I'm a really good driver. Been driving 37 years now. Passengers who get huffy because I don't respond to their chitchat (looking at you, XH) soon get the sharp edge of my tongue.

Mantlemoose · 17/09/2021 01:06

I received very bad news via mobile once when I was in a shop. Had I been driving and it was on hands free I dread to think what would have happened. As such I don't use my phone in the car at all never mind facetime!

cockneysparra1 · 17/09/2021 01:08

Eugh! Years ago I was seeing this guy- we had probably gone out 5 or 6 times at this point. He was driving me home after a meal and a moped/scooter type thing overtook us. All of a sudden he became furious with the moped rider and started chasing him in the car! I was absolutely terrified and never spoke to him again. People being dicks in cars is one of the absolute worst personality flaws. You need to move on and find someone who respects you!

NumberTheory · 17/09/2021 01:38

I wouldn't say I worry others with worrying. My anxiety is something I keep extremely private and to myself. I never outwardly voice my worries. I think that's a little unfair..

This seems a bit at odds with your earlier statement:

But I'm just sick of being so worried, and having such anxiety over trying to look after other people. When they can't have the decency to sit and listen to me and try to understand where I'm coming from.

And then this bit:

I do have anxiety and OCD, he knows this and for the most part is absolutely brilliant with me but this tonight really was a step off the mark.

Suggests you don't hide your anxiety from him (and that he may have found your anxiety and OCD a bit more difficult to cope with than he normally expresses).

None of which means he isn't a dick for FTing when he drives, or that he shouldn't stop. But it does suggest this probably isn't the first time that he's felt that you are unreasonably trying to limit his behaviour because of your anxiety. (Again - I don't think limiting FTing while driving is unreasonable, but he probably does or he wouldn't do it in the first place).

me4real · 17/09/2021 02:24

Again - I don't think limiting FTing while driving is unreasonable, but he probably does or he wouldn't do it in the first place

@NumberTheory He's kind of just wrong though. It's not ok.

I think what he's doing is actually illegal now, as the laws have been toughened up.

'You cannot hold your phone when behind the wheel, even momentarily (this includes when supervising a learner driver).
To use your phone for communication you must have hands-free access.' www.rac.co.uk/drive/advice/legal/mobile-phone-laws/

Apparently some people find it hard not to use their phone while driving @fleurde The article links to an app they can use and stuff, to stop them being distracted.

PurpleOkapi · 17/09/2021 03:56

Did you clarify that he was looking at the video while the car was moving before going off on him about it? If not, this is an enormous overreaction.

NumberTheory · 17/09/2021 04:03

@me4real

Again - I don't think limiting FTing while driving is unreasonable, but he probably does or he wouldn't do it in the first place

@NumberTheory He's kind of just wrong though. It's not ok.

I think what he's doing is actually illegal now, as the laws have been toughened up.

'You cannot hold your phone when behind the wheel, even momentarily (this includes when supervising a learner driver).
To use your phone for communication you must have hands-free access.' www.rac.co.uk/drive/advice/legal/mobile-phone-laws/

Apparently some people find it hard not to use their phone while driving @fleurde The article links to an app they can use and stuff, to stop them being distracted.

Yes. Definitely. That’s why I said I don’t think it’s unreasonable. But OP’s posts aren’t saying he shouldn’t FT while driving because it’s illegal and a danger to others. She’s said he shouldn’t do it because of her emotional reaction to the idea that he might die because of it. And I assume her discussion with him was focused on this too.
twoandeights · 17/09/2021 05:05

YANBU
Why can’t he wait until he’s not driving to have these conversations? It’s not safe. I’d say you’re not compatible. You need someone as safety aware as you. Do not have kids with this man! He just doesn’t have the same moral compass as you

garlictwist · 17/09/2021 05:46

I think all mobile phone use in the car should be illegal - even hands free. I think it is hugely distracting. YANBU.

oakleaffy · 17/09/2021 06:18

My goodness, @fleurde
Please know that you are not at all 'Controlling', but that he is definitely being a reckless idiot, endangering innocent road users {And his own sorry ass}

I'm appalled that anyone would be on 'FaceTime' when driving.
He sounds deeply selfish and immature.

girlmom21 · 17/09/2021 07:22

@TheFoundations

I don't mother people I just worry for my family after loosing my farther in a really traumatic way

The two are not mutually exclusive. What happened with your father is very sad, but it's not an excuse to worry people with your worrying.

I think being upset about someone being on their phone while driving and being scared for their safety is completely justified. I don't think we should minimise OP's feelings here.
whynotwhatknot · 17/09/2021 10:31

Jeez willpeople stop going on about ops anxiety-its a different topic

her fiance is a dick end of

TheFoundations · 17/09/2021 10:38

@girlmom21

I'm not minimising OP's feelings. The statement I quoted was a general statement, regarding more than this situation. My comment was also more general than this situation.

The guy shouldn't be using his phone when driving, and I would feel upset about it too. I wouldn't need to bring how my father died into the equation, though.

TheFoundations · 17/09/2021 10:41

@whynotwhatknot

Jeez willpeople stop going on about ops anxiety-its a different topic

her fiance is a dick end of

OP's anxiety and her level of distress about this situation are quite probably intimately linked. If they were different topics, OP wouldn't have mentioned the anxiety on this thread. She obviously sees them as linked herself.

OP having an overly anxious reaction to what he's doing doesn't mean he's right to be doing it.

Rainbowsew · 17/09/2021 10:42

Yanbu I understand where you're coming from.

I get angry with DH when he checks his phone when driving, in it's so unecessary,sets a bad example to the kids and is obviously illegal.

Its the immediacy of instant communication over the potential trauma and consequences that I can't cope with. How would he live with himself, if anything happened, I'm not sure if I could live with him if he did cause an accident. He holds a position of responsibility in the community the fall out could be huge...

I think it is selfish, but I'm not ending things with him over that, phones weren't around when we got together.

You have the option to consider your relationship on several levels; it's already causing arguments, the fact he called you controlling for mentioning it, that he hasn't taken into account your own experience and fear of death, the fact it is illegal and unsafe, particularly as face time.

Only you know if you can move through these issues and build a future together.

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