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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Fiancé has just walked out..

118 replies

fleurde · 16/09/2021 20:34

So my partner has just got home from work.. it's been on my mind a lot recently about how often he uses his mobile whilst driving. Not always, but more and more often recently. E.g one time he actually FaceTimed me.. I answered and we were chatting away; until I realised he was driving.
I was so angry and disappointed that I hung up immediately.

When I was young I lost my father. Not in a road accident, but in a very unexpected circumstance, where one day he was here, the next he was gone. It was completely unexpected and since this, it's triggered an enormous fear in me about loosing anybody else that I love.
I know that it's inevitable at some stage, but I just have this urgency to protect all of my loved ones from harm.

He came home this evening. I asked him how his day was, he said he'd spoken to his friend on the way home. Great, or so I thought.
He was apparently on FaceTime.
He does have his phone propped up, so it isn't in his hand as such - but it really freaks me out.
I did say that I wasn't impressed by this and that it's really bloody dangerous, and things have just exploded.
He's called me controlling, said what can I do about it.. and has just walked out.

He's left me here eating dinner alone, pondering why I even bother to look out for him when he's risking his bloody life like this.

My anxiety can't take much more 😓

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 16/09/2021 22:14

@sst1234

If it’s hands free, whats the problem?
www.rac.co.uk/drive/advice/legal/mobile-phone-laws/
Mistymoors · 16/09/2021 22:18

What a selfish muppet, let’s hope he loses his license before he injures someone ! There’s no way you could feel comfortable being in a car with this idiot!! Leave him go and fine someone less immature!!

UKplayinggermanynext · 16/09/2021 22:27

I wonder if this reflects his general attitude to risk. 'Oh, those bad things don't happen to people like me' is a position of privilege and arrogance.

I have been on the receiving end of rare events. It is not fun to be the 1 in X thousand. I no longer believe that bad stuff will just happen to others, and it could not affect me, and it has changed the way I see the world. I am not overly anxious (I hope), but I have learned to take risk seriously. It sounds like your DP has not learned that lesson yet, but you, with the sudden loss of your father sadly had to.

TheFoundations · 16/09/2021 22:32

Whatever this was about (FT whilst driving/not making the bed/football/cuddly toys/any random old thing), it's clear that he doesn't give a flying fandoodle about your anxiety, and you can't marry someone like that.

Are you finding that generally your anxiety is getting worse and worse since you've been with him? It won't be the only feeling of yours he's dismissing, I'm sure.

Unanananana · 16/09/2021 22:35

Put him in the bin.

Dangerous driving behavior is abhorrent. Would you want any future kids watching daddy go to jail as he killed someone?

He is despicable. How could you want that as a life partner and in your bed?

leavesthataregreen · 16/09/2021 22:39

@sst1234

If it’s hands free, whats the problem?
Are you serious? It's a major distraction if he's driving.
whynotwhatknot · 16/09/2021 22:40

WEll you cant watch tv or video whilst driving so he whouldbe facetiming people

wtf is wrong with him-they cant see him proerply and he has to look down all the time

i dont really agree with long conversations whilst driving just on audio anyway but why cant he do that?

bellabasset · 16/09/2021 22:44

He's putting other people's lives at risk with his selfish behaviour, I hope he gets stopped before he has an accident.

Noodella18 · 16/09/2021 22:44

Facetiming whilst driving = dangerous, selfish irresponsible etc.

The argument... you were totally in the right to call him out in it. Some of your later comments about you keeping people safe and needing them to listen to you about it caught my attention though. It sounds like a frequent thing that you are saying things to people 'to protect them'? Sounds like it could be a bit claustrophobic to be on the receiving end? A bit like being mothered? I might be off the mark here, but I wonder if that's why he blew up? Sorry to hear about your dad by the way.

AdobeWanKenobi · 16/09/2021 22:49

I reported someone for just this a few years ago.

Young lad, phone propped up in facetime and he was all over the road. I was in the passenger seat of our car so filmed him. Phone and manner of driving clearly visible.
Spoke to local police via Facebook and they viewed the video. I was called the following day by our local road safety policing team who told me (in the days before gdpr) they were looking to prosecute but he wasn't local. Either way he'd be getting a visit as the vehicle was known to them. I had to email the full file in to them. Sadly I never heard any more but I do hope they did follow it up.

They took it extremely seriously, and judging by his total lack of concentration I'm glad they did. Maybe for your FC's sake hope someone in the car behind him doesn't do the same as me or he'll be getting a knock at the door, especially now many police will prosecute on dash cam footage.

fleurde · 16/09/2021 22:59

I don't mother people I just worry for my family after loosing my farther in a really traumatic way 😥 I do have anxiety and OCD, he knows this and for the most part is absolutely brilliant with me but this tonight really was a step off the mark.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 16/09/2021 23:02

I don't mother people I just worry for my family after loosing my farther in a really traumatic way

The two are not mutually exclusive. What happened with your father is very sad, but it's not an excuse to worry people with your worrying.

impatientwatcher · 16/09/2021 23:07

Family member suffered 'life changing injuries' in a collision caused by a driver on a mobile phone, he went to prison for a while and lost his job as he lost his license. Aside from being dangerous, its really stupid as its not something you can cover up - the evidence is on the phone and easily checked.

Dump the crappy boyfriend.

Mera85 · 16/09/2021 23:08

Whilst he's completely in the wrong facetiming while driving, he's an adult and can make his own (admittedly shit) choices. Unfortunately you can't control how he behaves, and you'll spend a lifetime nagging and being frustrated that he won't change. You either have to accept that its up to him how he behaves despite knowing it bothers you, or decide its a deal breaker and get rid.

fleurde · 16/09/2021 23:11

@TheFoundations

I don't mother people I just worry for my family after loosing my farther in a really traumatic way

The two are not mutually exclusive. What happened with your father is very sad, but it's not an excuse to worry people with your worrying.

I wouldn't say I worry others with worrying. My anxiety is something I keep extremely private and to myself. I never outwardly voice my worries. I think that's a little unfair..
OP posts:
WhatAShilohPitt · 16/09/2021 23:12

You aren’t remotely controlling. You have a valid concern about a dangerous / illegal activity that could result in death and for good reason because you have lost your father at a young age. I, a stranger on Mumsnet, understand that perfectly. Why doesn’t he? He sounds utterly selfish and the waking out in a huff when there’s a disagreement does not bode well for a husband.

me4real · 16/09/2021 23:12

I don't think it even matters if it's hands free much, if he's looking at the person's face to some extent rather than just the road etc. It doesn't seem safe to me.

He can do without doing this and not miss much, but decrease the risk to himself and be more thoughtful towards you (and everyone else on the road.)

You aren't being controlling and asking anything unreasonable of him.

WhatAShilohPitt · 16/09/2021 23:14

Also, this has nothing to do with your anxiety causing you to be disproportionately worried, so don’t let him - or you - blame your anxiety here. He is quite genuinely doing something to be anxious about. You aren’t overreacting or reacting abnormally. I say that as someone with clinically diagnosed anxiety!

fleurde · 16/09/2021 23:15

@HiJenny35

YABU in that your post is concerned about loosing someone through their own selfish behaviour rather than the innocent people that he is putting in danger by doing this. I hope he kills himself rather than someone else. Why would you be with someone so completely and utterly selfish.
Of course I'd be concerned for others on the road, I'm not heartless! This was a harsh comment though.
OP posts:
slashlover · 16/09/2021 23:17

@TheFoundations

I don't mother people I just worry for my family after loosing my farther in a really traumatic way

The two are not mutually exclusive. What happened with your father is very sad, but it's not an excuse to worry people with your worrying.

Even though what he is doing is incredibly dangerous and could kill someone? It's not as if she's worrying that he's driving at the speed limit.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/newsbeat-54448476

BlackberryMuncher · 16/09/2021 23:27

@Candleinthebreeze

Sorry thought I’d replaced directly to you.

He tells me it’s normal for his company but not all directors do it.

In his words, there is little point putting a dead body, or bits of a dead body, in an ambulance when a hearse is readily available

He's very kind to do this & save an ambulance for someone who will benefit from it.

My friend is a paramedic (overseas) and sadly goes to quite a number of 'body collecting' calls, he has some shocking shifts.

FortniteBoysMum · 16/09/2021 23:30

So tell him of his got to talk on his phone when driving he invests in a phone holder and a handfree kit. Point out if he has to change gear and knocks it under the pedal someone could die. If his going to do it he needs to do so in as safe a way as possible. Obviously not using his phone is best but if do e properly at least his not breaking the law

BlackberryMuncher · 16/09/2021 23:31

@fleurde

I know it's hard to leave a relationship, especially when they are good in other ways...but how can you possibly stay with someone so fucking stupid? & willing to risk other people's lives for a call to a mate?? Or break your heart by causing his own death.

You deserve better than that.

I'm really sorry about your Dad, I lost my Dad suddenly & unexpectedly too. X

TheFoundations · 16/09/2021 23:32

@slashlover

I wasn't commenting on that. I think we've all acknowledged that what he's doing is risky for him and that he's endangering others.

Droite · 16/09/2021 23:39

I wouldn't say I worry others with worrying. My anxiety is something I keep extremely private and to myself. I never outwardly voice my worries. I think that's a little unfair.

I don't understand. Surely you are expressing your worries to your partner? I'm not saying you're wrong to do so, or course.

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