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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Fiancé has just walked out..

118 replies

fleurde · 16/09/2021 20:34

So my partner has just got home from work.. it's been on my mind a lot recently about how often he uses his mobile whilst driving. Not always, but more and more often recently. E.g one time he actually FaceTimed me.. I answered and we were chatting away; until I realised he was driving.
I was so angry and disappointed that I hung up immediately.

When I was young I lost my father. Not in a road accident, but in a very unexpected circumstance, where one day he was here, the next he was gone. It was completely unexpected and since this, it's triggered an enormous fear in me about loosing anybody else that I love.
I know that it's inevitable at some stage, but I just have this urgency to protect all of my loved ones from harm.

He came home this evening. I asked him how his day was, he said he'd spoken to his friend on the way home. Great, or so I thought.
He was apparently on FaceTime.
He does have his phone propped up, so it isn't in his hand as such - but it really freaks me out.
I did say that I wasn't impressed by this and that it's really bloody dangerous, and things have just exploded.
He's called me controlling, said what can I do about it.. and has just walked out.

He's left me here eating dinner alone, pondering why I even bother to look out for him when he's risking his bloody life like this.

My anxiety can't take much more 😓

OP posts:
Candleinthebreeze · 16/09/2021 21:29

Sorry thought I’d replaced directly to you.

He tells me it’s normal for his company but not all directors do it.

In his words, there is little point putting a dead body, or bits of a dead body, in an ambulance when a hearse is readily available

billy1966 · 16/09/2021 21:33

@billyt

He sounds a real immature twat. No thought for anybody else on the road.

I'm not concerned about him not walking through the door, I'm concerned about the poor innocent sod who doesn't get to go home because your Fiancé is a wanker.

Get rid. He'll drag you down if he doesn't kill you in the car first.

This.

I just cannot stand the stupidity and selfishness of someone like him.

This is who he is OP.

You will deeply regret marrying someone so dim and selfish.

You deserve better.
Counselling would be helpful generally.
I have several people in my life that lost a parent suddenly.

You NEVER get over it.

They have finally accepted that now in their 50's having been so hard on themselves for decades of quiet grieving.

Their world changed utterly and they learnt that it wasn't a safe place.

Definitely talk to someone to help you accept that it is a simply enormous grief to get to grips with and anyone that I know that it has happened to has carried it with them since.

Anxiety has been a feature of their lives too.
Flowers

Suzy39 · 16/09/2021 21:34

Generally they don't, it's emergency services as they have to account for all body parts / clean scenes before reopening to public but if no service is available to recover bodies, occasionally private morticians are deployed. And also unless a doctor is on site, the body will officially be declared deceased back at the hospital before being released to FD

ivykaty44 · 16/09/2021 21:35

If it’s hands free, whats the problem?

if he kills someone whilst doing this, he may go to prison as its illegal

enragedhedgehog · 16/09/2021 21:36

I've gotten out of a car when my friend kept turning her head to speak to the passenger in the front seat and turning to tell her child off in the seat next to me. Faffing with her radio too.

Ive seen quite a few people streaming themselves driving home lately too and when I see a comment saying they maybe should be looking at the road and not a camera they get called a "Karen" and told it's no different to talking to a passenger.

I don't think you are unreasonable but I think there seems to be a lot of people who think looking at a camera or passengers instead of the road is fine.

Kaley3043 · 16/09/2021 21:38

Op, you are totally right. It's not okay to use phones whilst driving and face timing is barbaric.

I have a relative who was in an accident caused by another driver being distracted using his phone at the wheel. My relative nearly lost their life. Spent weeks in icu on a ventilator, being told he wouldn't survive, he did survive but with weeks and months of further hospital and rehab and he now has life long disabilities and can never work again.

ivykaty44 · 16/09/2021 21:38

would you have children with this man? knowing that he would do this with the child in the car?

SuperCaliFragalistic · 16/09/2021 21:41

I agree with @scarpa there are two elements to this. You are not being unreasonable about him driving while using the phone; he is being a dangerous twat. But additionally your anxiety about keeping other people from making bad decisions is probably something you need to work on. You can't control how others behave - you have a choice to walk away from the relationship but he doesn't have to agree with your outlook on this or any other issue.

chaosrabbitland · 16/09/2021 21:41

its dangerous to use or speak on a phone whilst driving , even hands free is dangerous as you are concentrating on a conversation as well as trying to drive , iv lost count over the last few years of the newspaper articles about a people being killed in a car wreck caused by somebody on a phone whilst driving , there have been loads .
its not controlling to be concerned about your own partner indulging in behaviour that could possibly kill himself or others

girlmom21 · 16/09/2021 21:42

Hopefully he's not gone back out in the car the selfish knob!

Seesawmummadaw · 16/09/2021 21:42

A young girl in dc class lost her dad two Christmas’ ago due to someone using their phone while driving. He had the dc in the car both survived but had quite serious injuries. The dad died at the scene. They’d been Christmas shopping.

Your fiancé is a selfish dick.

Regularsizedrudy · 16/09/2021 21:45

Wow he must be really fucking stupid

Flyingantday · 16/09/2021 21:48

@Thelnebriati

OP, you do know you are not controlling, don't you? I mean, thats a second red flag right there. The fact you can't talk like adults without him having a tantrum, name calling and walking out.
This.

I’m sorry it will not get better once you’re married.

NatBully · 16/09/2021 21:49

I split up with an ex-boyfriend over a similar thing. About a year into the relationship I realised he was regularly texting me while driving, although he denied it. I ended it and sent him loads of news articles of accidents! I just couldn't live with myself if he'd hurt someone while texting me.

Mydogmylife · 16/09/2021 21:50

@sst1234

If it’s hands free, whats the problem?
Lack of attention on the road? Watching the screen not the traffic around you ?
80sPadme · 16/09/2021 21:52

@sst1234

If it’s hands free, whats the problem?
The problem is that he could be glancing at the video chat and cause an accident. Hmm
NumberTheory · 16/09/2021 21:53

What he's doing is illegal, dangerous and, since it endangers others not just himself, pretty unethical. And I would have a hard time respecting a partner who regularly and without concern put others' lives at risk like that.

But your issue seems to be more about him endangering himself and your reaction to him choosing a level of risk for himself that you would not choose? And that sounds like it might be leading you to be a bit controlling and causing you distress.

I wouldn't blame you for dumping him for constantly video calling when driving, but it sounds like you also need a bit of help coming to terms with the idea of allowing adults you love to make their own assessments of what's acceptable risk. Not so you can stay with him, but because this:
But I'm just sick of being so worried, and having such anxiety over trying to look after other people.
isn't good for you or the people you love.

diddl · 16/09/2021 21:54

Even if it is hands free he's surely not concentrating fully on driving is he?

Fatya · 16/09/2021 21:54

He's a total twat. No better than a frequent drink driver. Get rid.

annacondom · 16/09/2021 21:55

Some people just don't get it. It's not the same as talking to passengers. Four minutes of a phone call, apparently, is the "safe" limit (audio). After that you start concentrating more on the phone call than.on the driving. But no way should he be texting or using a screen.

HiJenny35 · 16/09/2021 21:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

slashlover · 16/09/2021 21:57

@sst1234

If it’s hands free, whats the problem?
Hands free isn't safe, it's just not as bad as holding the phone. The driver is still distracted and has slower reaction times, they also don't look at side mirrors or use their peripheral vision as much,
Sausagis · 16/09/2021 21:58

If you stay with him and have kids ... one day he will be doing this with your baby in the car and there will be nothing you can do to stop it.

slashlover · 16/09/2021 22:01

@annacondom

Some people just don't get it. It's not the same as talking to passengers. Four minutes of a phone call, apparently, is the "safe" limit (audio). After that you start concentrating more on the phone call than.on the driving. But no way should he be texting or using a screen.
Also, a passenger will usually stop talking when the driver is performing manoeuvres and can pause the conversation when needed.
Dbank · 16/09/2021 22:11

It shows selfish behaviour, he doesn't care what might happen to himself or anyone else.

Tough, but jog on

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