I put in AIBU topic i couldn't find a topic on relationships. Anyway, thanks to anyone who reads as I really need to just rant. And aibu to be stressing?
My husband and I got together in 2013 on a dating app. We met, he wasn't my type at all. Many of things I valued (hard working, ambitious, successful, grounded) suddenly seemed irrelevant and I was enamoured by his flirtatious and very winning and strong personality (he is more 'spur of the moment', excitable, well travelled, fun, the life and soul of the party who everyone loves type who doesn't believe in planning or saving etc). At the time I KNEW he was the 'risk' as opposed to finding a more sensible option, I was cautious and worried but somehow allowed myself to swept up in the excitement and he has a great family and heaps of close friends who I am very close to and I loved that. I admit fully that I was keen to settle down and really wanted to find someone. Eeak. Makes me feel stressed just admitting that
So I committed, he had won me over with endless surprises, outings, declarations of love. I knew his values were so so different to mine but I was convinced thrrr was enough to make it work and you guessed it, it's all come to a head.
When we moved in together in 2016 I was shocked at the amount of wild nights he would go on, coming in at 4am whilst I had to get up for work (professional career with lots of very serious responsibility). It quickly became clear that he wasn't going to stop the nights out (innocent boys fun nights with beer and the like, I'm not suggesting he has ever been unfaithful). He would do sports for 5 hours on the weekend and spend hours gaming. Really putting not much effort into the relationship and definitely not much of a talker, or one for affection, intimacy, romance of any kind. We started to argue more as we got less and less close. I was begging for some attention and time! However, I wanted to get married and wanted a family as a mid 30s woman. He proposed, to please me I guess? I don't think he would have otherwise. I'm not entirely sure how we managed to make it that far. We used to argue like cat and dog. We got engaged, bought a house (against his will because buying a house is too much of a responsibility in his words) and many times we 'almost' broke up. A particularly fun argument was the night we got engaged where he told me to fuck off because I suggested he didn't drink the fifth whisky. Who am I to say who was right or wrong but as you can see, our values were never in tune. All the while though I just kept going, I adore his family and sidelined all the rest.
We now have children. He adores them, is the ultimate fun dad when he cba!! However he no time for me, we don't have any connection whatsoever, no intimacy, barely chat, we argue when the kids aren't around and I've become a horrid version of myself - the nagging wife. His sports still happens for half a day a weekend, he socialises (however, much much more calmly now) and still would spend every spare minute gaming if he could. We are arguing more than ever. I hate it. I wish he was more driven, more ambitious, more pro active with the house, gave me the time I wish I deserved and which I am pretty certain would help to reconnect us, but I genuinely am not sure there ever was one. I think I only have myself to blame. I knew who I was marrying and of course he hasn't changed! I now am just in a situation where I'm feeling lonely and resentful of all the time he spends doing things he would rather do than spend time with me. I'm annoyed at our finances and his resentment at me being on maternity leave (which he says regularly). I'm annoyed he 'wants the kids in bed' for when he gets home so HE can have his evenings free and how he criticises my parenting when they are up slightly later, I'm annoyed we can't afford holidays yet he goes for weekends away camping with mates and has a football season ticket, I hate his love for gaming and the nee consoles that appear, I want to move house but the diy on our current place will never get done unless I do it whilst with the children buzzing around my feet. He puts me down and just feels like a stranger. I only gave birth a few months ago and it's endlessly been that HE feels suffocated, HE needs time to himself, HE needs his weekends to do his own thing because he's not on maternity leave having all the time to 'swan around'. He blames me constantly for any slight negative - the house is messy, he's tired or grumpy because of me, why do I do xyz, he needs the living room
For the 100th night in a row to have time to himself gaming. He now just seems to hate me for asking him to step up his responsibility, and he doesn't want to. It's crunch point. I don't see it ever changing. What next? I know it's my own fault.