Husband feels like a housemate....

[coffeealldayandnight]

I put in AIBU topic i couldn't find a topic on relationships. Anyway, thanks to anyone who reads as I really need to just rant. And aibu to be stressing?

My husband and I got together in 2013 on a dating app. We met, he wasn't my type at all. Many of things I valued (hard working, ambitious, successful, grounded) suddenly seemed irrelevant and I was enamoured by his flirtatious and very winning and strong personality (he is more 'spur of the moment', excitable, well travelled, fun, the life and soul of the party who everyone loves type who doesn't believe in planning or saving etc). At the time I KNEW he was the 'risk' as opposed to finding a more sensible option, I was cautious and worried but somehow allowed myself to swept up in the excitement and he has a great family and heaps of close friends who I am very close to and I loved that. I admit fully that I was keen to settle down and really wanted to find someone. Eeak. Makes me feel stressed just admitting that

So I committed, he had won me over with endless surprises, outings, declarations of love. I knew his values were so so different to mine but I was convinced thrrr was enough to make it work and you guessed it, it's all come to a head.

When we moved in together in 2016 I was shocked at the amount of wild nights he would go on, coming in at 4am whilst I had to get up for work (professional career with lots of very serious responsibility). It quickly became clear that he wasn't going to stop the nights out (innocent boys fun nights with beer and the like, I'm not suggesting he has ever been unfaithful). He would do sports for 5 hours on the weekend and spend hours gaming. Really putting not much effort into the relationship and definitely not much of a talker, or one for affection, intimacy, romance of any kind. We started to argue more as we got less and less close. I was begging for some attention and time! However, I wanted to get married and wanted a family as a mid 30s woman. He proposed, to please me I guess? I don't think he would have otherwise. I'm not entirely sure how we managed to make it that far. We used to argue like cat and dog. We got engaged, bought a house (against his will because buying a house is too much of a responsibility in his words) and many times we 'almost' broke up. A particularly fun argument was the night we got engaged where he told me to fuck off because I suggested he didn't drink the fifth whisky. Who am I to say who was right or wrong but as you can see, our values were never in tune. All the while though I just kept going, I adore his family and sidelined all the rest.

We now have children. He adores them, is the ultimate fun dad when he cba!! However he no time for me, we don't have any connection whatsoever, no intimacy, barely chat, we argue when the kids aren't around and I've become a horrid version of myself - the nagging wife. His sports still happens for half a day a weekend, he socialises (however, much much more calmly now) and still would spend every spare minute gaming if he could. We are arguing more than ever. I hate it. I wish he was more driven, more ambitious, more pro active with the house, gave me the time I wish I deserved and which I am pretty certain would help to reconnect us, but I genuinely am not sure there ever was one. I think I only have myself to blame. I knew who I was marrying and of course he hasn't changed! I now am just in a situation where I'm feeling lonely and resentful of all the time he spends doing things he would rather do than spend time with me. I'm annoyed at our finances and his resentment at me being on maternity leave (which he says regularly). I'm annoyed he 'wants the kids in bed' for when he gets home so HE can have his evenings free and how he criticises my parenting when they are up slightly later, I'm annoyed we can't afford holidays yet he goes for weekends away camping with mates and has a football season ticket, I hate his love for gaming and the nee consoles that appear, I want to move house but the diy on our current place will never get done unless I do it whilst with the children buzzing around my feet. He puts me down and just feels like a stranger. I only gave birth a few months ago and it's endlessly been that HE feels suffocated, HE needs time to himself, HE needs his weekends to do his own thing because he's not on maternity leave having all the time to 'swan around'. He blames me constantly for any slight negative - the house is messy, he's tired or grumpy because of me, why do I do xyz, he needs the living room
For the 100th night in a row to have time to himself gaming. He now just seems to hate me for asking him to step up his responsibility, and he doesn't want to. It's crunch point. I don't see it ever changing. What next? I know it's my own fault.

There’s a calculator for working out child maintenance online. It can be forced if you go to the right agency who can garnish his wages, I forget their name

I had a baby with red flag man - he was charismatic blah blah. He barely sees DC now despite me supporting contact as much as I can.

Counselling is a good thing.

Seeing it from another perspective, he has done a lot things for the relationship which are out of character and which you knew were out of character. You keep saying you want him to change, I think anyone would grow resentful if the person whose supposed to love you keeps saying you're not enough and need to change.

Not all people are career focused and 'driven', you knew this about him. If my husband told me I wasn't driven enough and needed to make more effort I would tell him to fuck off. Him not pulling his weight with the kids however is no acceptable, they are a joint responsibility, his 'free' time is no more important than yours.

Your relationship seems to be a series of events which you doubt and he clearly hasn't wanted. Neither of you can resent the other when you've both allowed it, why on earth bring kid/s into the mix when the situation is so clearly volatile?

Try counselling but also consider you may need to consider that you are very different people with different views on life.

For those who say maintenance, it's never an easy or sure thing. I have a close relative that works in payroll and every month she says there are people who quit because child maintenance has found them.

OP, on the surface, your DH is very much like my exDH. And you seem to be very much like me, responsible career etc. The only difference is that in my case there's also an age gap (he's a decade plus older). I had to re-read your opening post a couple of times to make sure it is not about me. Same scenario about the second baby conception too.

The truth is, he won't grow up.

It will end up with him finding another woman who would fascinate him, exactly as you did once. You and your children will become slightly boring neighbours to him overnight. In one moment of bitter honesty since, my exH admitted that he just cannot see himself with a "domesticated" woman. He needs someone bright, young, spontaneous, mysterious and wild to feel alive. A frazzled, nagging new mum with a tantrumming toddler and fresh baby sick on her t-shirt just doesn't cut it. Does this sound familiar?

He won't take any responsibility for the children if you separate either. He would be genuinely able to forget about their existence for months on end - then appear to shower them with gifts and promise the sky, the earth and the Disneyland - then disappear again, leaving you to explain to them why it is not happening.

I think it is time to care about yourself and the children now, not him.

You can't change him, only you. Write it down and repeat it daily. Find ways to make your needs met outside of the marriage. Take your time. There is no rush. He sounds avoidant (like me) and possibly adhd (also like me). It may all unfold in time and give you both a chance. It may not. Give him instructions. Motivate him. It may need outside help. Start writing down what you want for your family and get him to do the same. Talk. Tell him how you feel using the word "I". As you said, you have a part to play in this and so you owe it to your kids to at least try...

Also getting your oomph back in some other way may well be what it required to reinvigorate things. Men in my limited experience aren't the ones to lead emotionally, we are. Get a hobby for half a day a weekend. Book it and tell him you're going. If He gets back at noon, go out at 1. Don't leave him things organised, let him do it. Find some outside interests. Even if it's going to get your hair done and go for lunch with friends. Find some way of giving yourself a lift. Having had a baby three months ago I wouldn't be surprised if you felt depressed and ready to leave. Jesus we've all been there. It may be crap now but it might not always be. People can change. They're only going to do that when they're ready though. Snd if he sees YOU changing that might well be the catalyst he needs.

@cabinfever102 interesting you say that, I'm pretty sure he's adhd. How does that affect what I should and shouldn't expect from him? Thanks x

@forinborin

OP, on the surface, your DH is very much like my exDH. And you seem to be very much like me, responsible career etc. The only difference is that in my case there's also an age gap (he's a decade plus older). I had to re-read your opening post a couple of times to make sure it is not about me. Same scenario about the second baby conception too.

The truth is, he won't grow up.

It will end up with him finding another woman who would fascinate him, exactly as you did once. You and your children will become slightly boring neighbours to him overnight. In one moment of bitter honesty since, my exH admitted that he just cannot see himself with a "domesticated" woman. He needs someone bright, young, spontaneous, mysterious and wild to feel alive. A frazzled, nagging new mum with a tantrumming toddler and fresh baby sick on her t-shirt just doesn't cut it. Does this sound familiar?

He won't take any responsibility for the children if you separate either. He would be genuinely able to forget about their existence for months on end - then appear to shower them with gifts and promise the sky, the earth and the Disneyland - then disappear again, leaving you to explain to them why it is not happening.

I think it is time to care about yourself and the children now, not him.

This exactly. I know he wants and needs excitement, mystery, thrill and the complete opposite of the monotony of being a parent to two very young children (adhd mentioned, could be linked). I KNOW he isn't attracted to me at the moment, makes me feel like shit but it's true. I'm squishy, and leaky boobed with awful hair and I can imagine him swanning off with someone as you describe, I always think how well suited he would be to some mid twenty year old girl with no responsibilities

@coffeealldayandnight it doesn't really. You feel how you feel. But if he doesn't know, snd he probably doesn't (I didn't) it will come as the most almighty shock. But it may give you a different perspective on how your family operates and the dynamic within it. We've had to have family therapy as a result of diagnosis. It's not just me - we all have something... so there are lots of different challenges going on. Snd it may well be the same way for you in time. Keep reflecting back the behaviour so he is aware. "I feel lonely when you play games all evening". Or "I would really like a night out". I guess it's what can you do use the way his brain works to motivate him to participate. Adhd thrives on novelty/interests/risk/reward/deadlines... But most importantly make sure you are happy and have a life outside your marriage. Excitement or any kind of erotic connection needs a charge, snd having read books on this recently it's all about experiencing each other as separate people wjth their own needs and desires. Make him aware of it! That's not to say go and have an affair. But get dressed up look fab snd go dancing or whatever. Give him a bit of a reminder why he married you in first place. He may well be in an adhd rut snd the gaming is just a way of getting the dopamine his brain. Doesn't have enough of. I'm
Not excusing his behaviour just offering another perspective.

This exactly. I know he wants and needs excitement, mystery, thrill and the complete opposite of the monotony of being a parent to two very young children (adhd mentioned, could be linked). I KNOW he isn't attracted to me at the moment, makes me feel like shit but it's true. I'm squishy, and leaky boobed with awful hair and I can imagine him swanning off with someone as you describe, I always think how well suited he would be to some mid twenty year old girl with no responsibilities
I don't know what to say here, because there are no words of encouragement I can offer. Yes, my ex left me for a 19 year old, wild, beautiful and carefree - and 25+ years his younger. He met her at a music festival, I was 8 months pregnant with our second, and home with a 1 year old. It is a shame I could not come due to "family responsibilities", he shrugged and left for a couple of days. And he never came back.

And yes, I did wonder whether adhd is a possibility (one of our children is officially diagnosed with it now, and I understand there's a strong hereditary element). I guess I'll never know the answer to that.

I also understand very well the feeling that it is all my fault (choosing a father like that for my children, and, like you I saw the risk outright - but dismissed it in favour of other factors).

@forinborin good grief!! So you're on your usb with two children and he's with the girl he met at the festival?! Do you have support?

I've read every single response, thanks so much everyone. I am so tired but have some questions I will ask tomorrow. @cabinfever102 I find your message v interesting, will respond tomorrow xx

I knew of a couple where he didn't want to go to counselling but she went on her own and apparently it helped.
Don't discount counselling.

[quote coffeealldayandnight]@forinborin good grief!! So you're on your usb with two children and he's with the girl he met at the festival?! Do you have support?[/quote]
It has been 5 years already, and there has been a lot of girlfriend changes on his side since. He's moved several countries, several employers and now in a full time education again (first year of an undergrad degree - after having two serious postgrad qualifications already). Living the student life.

I am just offering a view from several years down the line. All good here, just wanted to give a health warning that it might be a long run, and it is probably the time to start conserving energy for yourself and the children.

He says he is more of a doer than a talker and would do things if I asked (I have asked for more help with the house and he said he's more of a spur of the moment person who will do things on a whim when he fancies - so not helpful).

What a great excuse for shirking the boring housework. Please do not be distracted into thinking it's the fault of ADHD. You're just fundamentally unsuited and he has not stepped up.

I would like to say that I have ADHD alongside being autistic. Neither are an excuse for any behaviour. I do struggle being in a relationship, there are times where I just want to walk out and be on my own but I don't, because I can't cause that kind of pain to my partner or abandon my kids.

When it gets so bad that I feel trapped and lose the will to live, I see my doctor, I discuss my medication, I go for a swim to try and lift my mood because sometimes it feels too much or I go into hibernation for a few days because I can't get out of bed. I don't make my husband feel like shit or go off all the time to focus on my hobbies. I fit my alone time in the evenings, I burn out very quickly and have some issues with PDA.

Another vote for counselling.

It worries me that you're distant when he's recently been furloughed. Surely there's the opportunity for family time as well as hobbies if ever there was one.

What's his mum like? I should think she'll probably be doing the other 50% if you split.

Great advice above.

No point in beating yourself up over it, spilt milk etc.

But he won't change.
Get organised while you can, prepare yourself for him gone because it's only a matter of time.

Focus on getting organised.

Reach out for support from those that love you.

Maybe start by getting counselling for yourself. Leave him be for the moment and see how you get on in your own counselling. It's interesting that, despite being so flighty, he opted for someone sensible and responsible. Some part of him knew he needed that stability.
Worse thing l think is saying he wants children in bed when he gets home! He doesn't even want to see his own children for even 15 mins each day..that's horrendous as really nothing to do with you and him. Just complete selfishness.
I wouldn't really mind the half day sport as that seems regular with the golfers, cyclists etc but not to be available after that..that's very bad.
Maybe in counselling you will learn ways of handing responsibility to him. Like..you don't have to have children in bed just cause he says so. You could hand him the baby as soon as he walks in and go and put toddler to bed. I'm not blaming you here but he has no problem demanding his own needs be met. Also don't give up the living room as if you are second class in the house. Stay there..put on a movie for yourself..again he doesn't get to call the shots. Counselling for yourself would help l believe..not to change him but to give you space for yourself to sort out your thoughts.

Ah OP I really feel for you. Its such a difficult situation. It's not easy leaving a marriage esp when there are children involved.
Some of what you wrote really resonated with me and my relationship. We have very different values, he isn't driven by anything other than sport but despite that we have a really good relationship (no kids though). The difference being is my husband wants to make me happy, he listens to me and tries to adjust his behaviour. Importantly he gives me his time and therefore I feel valued and loved. Your husband does none of this.
From what you've written you want to understand your husband and why he is the way he is but he doesn't want to make that effort with you. He doesn't hear your needs. I think counselling could help with that. When you try and tell him he thinks you are nagging and probably becomes defensive. Having someone impartial could help him to really hear what you are saying and why you are unhappy. Even if you still separate, at least he might understand better and there might be less resentment in the end and a more amicable split. Ultimately I think he sounds too selfish though and wont be willing to change. You are unhappy and deserve better OP. I hope you find some happiness.

The way you've laid it all out so clearly, I really don't see the value in you bending over backwards even more to understand where he's coming from and try to make it work together. That seems, if anything, to have been your error all along, and this would just be yet another point at which you could have cut your losses but instead invested more and hence wasted even more years on this man who is not - and has never been - compatible with you or what you want in life. It's hard to let go, but god you really need to. This isn't working, you knew it never would, and the best thing to do now is to split and rebuild your life while your DC are young enough to never know any different. That way, you can look forward to thriving and living the life you want with (or without) a partner who is right for you. Otherwise, you 1000% know what's coming - more of the time, or worse, indefinitely, while you get deeper in the hole.

This is a tough one.
He doesn’t sound abusive, but he’s certainly not giving much to the relationship.
He doesn’t sound like a complete tosser, but you’re clearly incompatible.
I guess it depends on whether you want to swap the long term anguish of living like this for the short term pain and inconvenience of splitting and then hopefully living happily again.

Just wanted to say don’t beat yourself up, youve got enough on your plate. I would definitely recommend counselling (even if just for yourself). I was convinced me and DH wouldn’t last, lack of shared values, but when we reached crunch time we actually were able to work through it, and although not ever plain sailing we do now have a reasonable and equitable relationship (kids are a little older). The past is done - just work with what you have now, take it one step at a time.