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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with DD

81 replies

Lollipop858 · 16/09/2021 13:19

She’s nearly 19, got her own house key. Lately she’s been out drinking every night or working in the bar until the early hours, and she KEEPS ON FORGETTING HER KEY, and then waking the whole house up bashing on the door at 1am 3am etc, blowing up my phone - the works.

I’ve really had enough because I also have 2 school aged kids she’s waking up when they have school next day. I’m always reminding her not to forget her key but to no avail.

She doesn’t see why I’m annoyed, AIBU to be thoroughly peed off? What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lollipop858 · 16/09/2021 13:51

She is a general PITA. Always has been. I will look into key safes for sure, they’re a good idea anyway I feel, but if I do that and then she doesn’t replace said key I’ll be straight back to square one. Can’t leave one under the mat because we live on a big estate in London. And you’re right, never forgets her phone obviously 🙄

God knows what she’s going to do when she’s at uni next year 😂

OP posts:
ImNotDancing · 16/09/2021 13:54

@Pissoi

This is why children over 18 should not live at home, so annoying!
Yikes. Glad you’re not my parent
NCBlossom · 16/09/2021 13:56

I’d tell her she either remembers her key or she can move out. I’d put it that bluntly.

It’s really inconsiderate of her. If she is rude and horrible to you at this suggestion. I’d have a serious chat about mutual respect. She is only at your home because you have allowed it, it’s not a right for her, it’s a privilege. Drum that into her. Then drum into her that she needs to grow up. That you can help by thinking of practical solutions if she really, really can’t be trusted, but that she has to find them on her own or with you, and she has to pay for things like a key safe or whatever.

PixieLaLa · 16/09/2021 13:57

Has she lost her key but doesn’t want to say? The key safe is a good idea but if it’s that she keeps forgetting her key she will probably keep forgetting to put it back in the safe too!

You said she’s out drinking every night, have you asked her why and whether everything is ok? Might be something else going on with her.

TheHouseILiveIn · 16/09/2021 14:00

@GreyEyedWitch

I would do what *@Rosa* suggests or get her to buy a key safe! She needs to learn to be a responsible adult. You're just working around her by buying a key safe yourself.
Yeah, this is just ridiculous
DotBall · 16/09/2021 14:00

God knows what she’s going to do when she’s at uni next year

Sigh of relief, she won’t be your problem anymore 🤣

TheHouseILiveIn · 16/09/2021 14:02

@daisyjgrey

Remembering your keys is one of the basic steps towards adulthood that every child should be capable of by the time they hit their teens.

I'm 33 and I lock myself out probably every couple of months. Hence the key safe.

It's all very well saying "there's no excuse for x or y" but not everybody is perfect, and you can put things in place to act as a safety net to mitigate that. Sounds a lot less disruptive than arguing about it all the time and claiming there's no excuse for things 🤷🏼‍♀️

That's not normal, though. Maybe you should see a GP about your memory.
billy1966 · 16/09/2021 14:05

The key is used to open the door and immediately put back in the box.

So she is a general PITA.

Well kindly OP, you have been too tolerant.

Why have you accepted this.

Start today.
Do nothing for her.
Don't buy anything that she likes.
Don't include her in meals, no laundry , nothing.
Tell her that she is a selfish PITA and you have had your fill of her behaviour.

OP if she is a selfish PITA, it is partly because YOU have allowed it to happen.

SOME teens will give you as much shit as you will take.

I have a low threshold so have been pro active when my beauty thought he'd try his luck.

Nip this in the bud now.

She will have problems sharing with others if she doesn't buck up.

Flowers
Plumtree391 · 16/09/2021 14:05

@WithMyEncyclopedia

Can you get a key safe? They're really useful.
That.
dottiedodah · 16/09/2021 14:13

Old fashioned ,but maybe wear it round her neck? Is she generally forgetful.Seems like the only course of action would be to remind her gently "Have you got your key?" whenever she goes out maybe . Boy some of these replies are harsh!

Youdoyoutoday · 16/09/2021 14:14

I'd be in her room with a fog horn at 7am every morning without fail every time she did that!!

dworky · 16/09/2021 14:15

Put a string with key attached around her neck. See also mittens joined by string & threaded through arms of coat. Grin

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 16/09/2021 14:18

She doesn’t see why I’m annoyed, AIBU to be thoroughly peed off? What would you do in this situation?. I'm amazed she has got a place at university if she is this dim.

Is there a shed she can sleep in? I'd definitely be waking her at the crack of dawn and "blowing her phone up" all day, see how she likes it. I'd be reading her the riot act and telling her either she starts acting like a grown up and remembers her key or she can find somewhere else to sleep overnight/live.

Drinkingallthewine · 16/09/2021 14:20

First thing in the morning open her bedroom door so she gets to fully hear everything.
Hoover outside her room.
Encourage the kids to make lots of noise.
Empty the dishwasher loudly. Turn on some irritatingly squeaky cartoon and turn the volume up.
And every time she moans, just tell her that you'll be more considerate when she starts.

Pippapet · 16/09/2021 14:24

Wow, I'd have been given an earful for doing that once let alone regularly at that age! Shock It's the "she doesn't see why I'm annoyed" that's the problem as much as the forgetting.

If she forgot and was completely apologetic that would still be annoying, but the entitlement and selfishness she's showing here is above and beyond.

I suggest you charge her £10 for the first time she forgets and raise it by an additional £5 on top of the £10 for every subsequent forget. Hit her in the pocket if she won't listen to reason. Make sure you actually get that money rather than just threatening to as well.

Pippapet · 16/09/2021 14:28

@dottiedodah

Old fashioned ,but maybe wear it round her neck? Is she generally forgetful.Seems like the only course of action would be to remind her gently "Have you got your key?" whenever she goes out maybe . Boy some of these replies are harsh!
"Harsh replies"?! "Gently remind her"?!

If she's old enough to be out working and drinking til all hours then she's old enough to take consequences of forgetting her key constantly. If it was a one-off or occasional that may be different but it's frequent and the OP's DD doesn't see the problem!

Original poster
Lollipop858 · 16/09/2021 14:32

Thanks for everyone’s helpful tips. Im definitely too nice and lenient with her, I need to start doing exactly what everyone says.

OP posts:
Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 16/09/2021 14:36

She is going to really piss off her housemates if she tries that at Uni!

I'd read her the riot act and do the waking her at 7 am stuff.

diddl · 16/09/2021 14:39

There's no incentive for her to remember it is there?

I'd have slept at a friend's rather than wake everyone after 11/12!

Not sure about a keysafe-would she bother/remember the code?

She's just selfish!

Siepie · 16/09/2021 14:46

I’m currently waiting for an ADHD assessment, and one thing I struggle with is remembering keys etc.

I have a postit on the back of the door reminding me what I need to take when I leave the house. You could try that, but it will only work if she’s genuinely forgetting and not just being lazy and thinking ‘I can’t be bothered to find my keys, mum will let me in’

As a teenager my keys were sewn into my bag. That might be an alternative.

Shelovesamystery · 16/09/2021 14:49

Absolutely start waking her up early in the morning. And none of this PA hoovering, making loud noises etc. Go into her room and calmly (and very loudly) say her name over and over again until she is fully awake. When she asks you what you are doing reply "waking you up, just like you woke everyone else up last night, make sure you take your key next time". Repeat this every single time it happens, I'm sure she will start remembering her key pretty sharpish.

that1970shouse · 16/09/2021 14:52

@Pippapet

Wow, I'd have been given an earful for doing that once let alone regularly at that age! Shock It's the "she doesn't see why I'm annoyed" that's the problem as much as the forgetting.

If she forgot and was completely apologetic that would still be annoying, but the entitlement and selfishness she's showing here is above and beyond.

I suggest you charge her £10 for the first time she forgets and raise it by an additional £5 on top of the £10 for every subsequent forget. Hit her in the pocket if she won't listen to reason. Make sure you actually get that money rather than just threatening to as well.

I like that idea although I would start low, £1 the first time but it doubles each time so £2, £4, £8, £16 for the fifth time. Ask her to hand it over at the doorstep before coming in.
diddl · 16/09/2021 14:55

Does she have a bag she usually takes with her-if so she needs to put them back in her bag as soon as she has got back in & locked the door.

How can she remember her phone & not her keys?

BrilloPaddy · 16/09/2021 15:00

FWIW we did this and got a key safe. Came down one morning to find door left unlocked with key still in it outside......... luckily we live rurally so it was no big stress but I was still rattled.

If she's not responsible enough to take a key out with her, I wouldn't take the risk.

pinkyredrose · 16/09/2021 15:04

She is a general PITA. Always has been

Always? Anyway tell her to put her key o a chain around her neck.