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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cried in a meeting. How to approach collegue who shoots me down

53 replies

Beebopalooola · 15/09/2021 16:39

Hi all,

I am absolutely mortified. I have been working in the same place for years and have had some tough times and difficult colleagues but I'm pretty laid back so have just got on with it.

I have chaired meetings and attended them with no problem.

I recently started a new role in a different department. Its a promotion and I'm over the moon that I have had lots of positive feedback. I have a good team and we all get on well.

Another person recently started and is sort of a team leader. Not my manager as such but she does hold more weight in the company than me. I did work with this person many many years ago in a different role. One to one she is very friendly to me. However in meetings and group settings she will shoot me down and almost try to publicly humiliate me. I do not feel heard or able to speak up in meetings that we both attend because of this and she will often interrupt me too. This is happening literally every time I speak.

I have been having a really shit time right now personally and in a meeting earlier she started her ways again and for the first time in my entire life I cried at work. Luckily it was a virtual meeting so I just switched my camera and Mic off but two colleagues did notice and texted me. I'm so embarrassed. I did not tell them the real reason because they absolutely love this team leader and see her outside of work as friends.

My boss recently asked that I speak up more in meetings because I used to share ideas but I have recently gone very quiet. I just said I would because again I don't want to come across as a trouble causer so early into this new role. It seems no one has noticed this happening.

Aibu to just look for another job because I'm too chicken to approach this colleague and I'm mortified new colleagues have seen me cry.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 15/09/2021 16:41

Have you tried simply saying please don’t interrupt me??

Nutkinsnuts · 15/09/2021 16:42

I have no advice I’m sorry OP but I’m sure many many many people have cried at work! Don’t be too hard on yourself, sometimes things just get on top of you and you need a release of emotions. You can’t help how you feel! Flowers

Original poster
Beebopalooola · 15/09/2021 16:42

@Wolfiefan I don't think that would go down well with everyone. If I was braver I would but I do lack confidence.

OP posts:
Hellocatshome · 15/09/2021 16:43

If you are at the point where you are thinking of leaving then you have absolutely nothing to lose by approaching her. I dong know the best way as it really depends on the company structure and dynamics but there is nothing wrong in saying that you feel that you are being interrupted and shouted down either to her directly or to whoever it is you would go to with such things. If they have noticed you have become quieter they will probably welcome the information as an explanation and hopefully put things in place (or tell her to knock it off) to stop it happening again.

TimeForTeaAndG · 15/09/2021 16:43

Don't approach her, speak to your boss. You're being asked to contribute more so voice your concerns and see if things can be sorted.

Colleague may think she's just doing her job and making sure all angles have been considered without realising how it's coming across but I think it would be better coming from your boss, even with you present so it can be spoken about.

Don't just quit your job.

Hellocatshome · 15/09/2021 16:43

Omg dont not dong!!!

NoviceNewMN · 15/09/2021 16:50

in meetings and group settings she will shoot me down and almost try to publicly humiliate me.

This sounds like you may be being bullied. Usually reactions that are unusual for you (crying) can be a sign that you are reacting differently to a particular person.

May not be the case but worth looking at. If you think you are being bullied, you will need to address it but doing it directly with the colleague alone will probably be a bad idea and too much for you to deal with.

Try starting with a private chat in confidence with HR if you have one or if not, your boss.

As for the crying, don't worry about it - if you switched off your camera, sounds like you got away with it. Besides, people crying is only a big deal if you make it a big deal. The best thing to do if you cry is to just ignore the crying and carry on - don't say 'I'm so sorry I'm crying' because it just draws more attention to it - and don't mention it again for the same reasons.

Generally I have to say that the stigma attached to crying really annoys me and really needs addressing because it tends to be a female issue and some people cry totally beyond their control due to stress or emotion when it doesn't really mean anything significant. Women who cry at work get more upset about it that it really warrants precisely because it carries a misogynistic trope along with it (its her time of the month/emotional woman/unprofressional/tired and emotional) etc. We all need to work to change this because it operates against women in the workplace as a form of misogyny.

AryaStarkWolf · 15/09/2021 16:50

I voted YABU, as in YABU to leave your job because of this woman. If she's ok one to one, why not speak to her about it one to one. Maybe she doesn't realise what she's doing?

Seemssounfair · 15/09/2021 16:52

Your boss asking the question was the perfect opportunity to raise it and ask for advice on how to handle. You boss has noticed something is wrong, given you an opening, book a call with them to discuss.

It might be a clash of personalities, it might be you being sensitive, it might be her crossing the line, but it sounds like you need to discuss a few examples with someone to mentor you and work through it - whether that be informal personal development for you, personal development for her or as a last resort a grievance.

If you boss is a good one, now you have brought it to their attention, they will monitor it in a meetings and then work with you both to resolve it. You are not being a trouble maker if you approach it as looking for advice/support/a solution.

Hankunamatata · 15/09/2021 16:53

Urgh some people have no virtual meeting manners. We just hand another reminder of e meeting protocol. Each time she interrupts you put your hand up electronically. Is someone chairing these meetings?

Wolfiefan · 15/09/2021 16:54

If you can’t speak up I wonder how much is her poor behaviour and how much is you being unable to assert yourself and deal with a “bigger” (more aggressive!) personality. Is she really shooting you down in flames or merely disagreeing or arguing a point?

Caterinasballerinas · 15/09/2021 17:00

Can you try the raise your hand or add your comments to the chat element of a meeting if you feel no chance to speak up? That at least might deal with the not getting chance to speak. As for the shooting you down, that’s harder.
Maybe by using this way to make your point, if you get to explain it more fully she might be less dismissive if it is a good and well explained point?

EggAndHasBeans · 15/09/2021 17:08

The best way to deal with these things is to meet it head on. If you don't want to do it F2F, email her and tell her what the problem is in a factual but chatty way.

If you feel you can't do that...

Are the meetings recorded/saved? I would use this to my advantage. Go into meetings expecting her to do it and stop speaking abruptly, mid word, every time she does it, in a way that is very noticeable to everyone.

Or

When she cuts in continue to speak for a little bit so it's obvious she is talking over you.

Then you will feel better about bringing it up as everyone will understand why you did. Other people do notice these things eventually, sometimes you just need to highlight it a little first.

Magenta82 · 15/09/2021 17:09

I think you need to go back to your boss, tell them why you aren't speaking up as much and ask for advice on how to handle it.

Droite · 15/09/2021 17:15

[quote Beebopalooola]@Wolfiefan I don't think that would go down well with everyone. If I was braver I would but I do lack confidence.[/quote]
You really should try, people will notice that she keeps interrupting if it's pointed out. There's a way of asking someone not to interrupt that is perfectly polite but instantly puts them in the wrong.

WoMandalorian · 15/09/2021 17:18

If my boss asked me to speak up more in meetings I would mention that the only reason I became quiet was because I felt I was being interrupted by other colleague.
That way when you speak in the next meeting your boss will be watching out for this behaviour.

McLarenette · 15/09/2021 17:20

My instinct was always to instantly stop speaking when rudely interrupted and to be honest, it’s not that effective. Some people notice but the truly oblivious interrupters just sail on glad that they have the floor! Much more uncomfortable but more effective are the following:

Raise your voice slightly and on talking as if she isn’t talking. This feels excruciating but the shame is on the interrupter and it makes it way more noticeable to the group she is doing it and harder for people to look the other way. Most interrupters WILL stop talking rather than shout louder but if they do or just if you want to mix it up…

Pause when interrupted, smile, as if patiently at a gabbling child, and ask politely but firmly to the chair …”if I could just finish my point…”

Bolder and to be honest I would find this one hard, raise your index finger as you are speaking. Do no stop talking as you do this! You are not raising finger for permission to speak, you are TELLING them to wait their turn.

Good luck! If you want support, suggest running some of these or your own strategies with your boss ahead of time so they know what’s up and are able to step in and support you.

sst1234 · 15/09/2021 17:20

People will tell you she’s a bully, tell your boss, etc, etc. But have you given her this feedback first? Why not give her a chance to rectify it? She may not know how she comes across, maybe she lacks self awareness. Helping her to help you is a great way of developing her.
Some of the advice on here is what you would use to manage playground behaviour, not adult interactions.

Mamamia7962 · 15/09/2021 17:21

When she starts talking over you, can you not just say 'Sally' can you wait until I've finished speaking please, then you can make your points because if we all speak at the same time nobody will be able to understand what we're saying.

If you say it assertively without sounding rude I can't see anybody having a problem with that.

Original poster
Beebopalooola · 15/09/2021 17:22

Thanks everyone. I think I'm going to approach it by raising my hand as suggested above. Then if this dosnt work il speak to my boss.

I'm not assertive and I know that's my issue. I hate conflict and I'm a quiet person who lacks confidence. I am trying to work on this but it us part of my personality and I do like that I'm a bit soft and gentle. Its actually a good thing in my job in a way due to the nature of the job.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 15/09/2021 17:24

OP you can also write comments to people in meeting if your talked over

Hankunamatata · 15/09/2021 17:26

Also if it's set ideas you trying to put forward. You could email them out before hand.

Rinoachicken · 15/09/2021 17:32

When you have raised your hand, when it is your turn again, start with ‘thank you, as I was saying…’ it subtly makes the point that you had NOT finished when you were interrupted last time.

Dozer · 15/09/2021 17:35

Don’t leave the job. Work hard on your confidence and assertiveness. Being passive isn’t being ‘nice’ or necessarily a good thing. You’re confusing assertiveness with negative behaviours.

Redgeraniums · 15/09/2021 17:38

I mean if she is generally liked and even you liked her. Perhaps your styles are very different and she doesn’t realise. Can you go to her F2F and just have a chat, say look sue, I’m feeling xyz in meetings and it’s mainly because of xyz
I mean that’s how I would approach it, but I work in a small company so there is no or hr

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