Cried in a meeting. How to approach collegue who shoots me down

[Beebopalooola]

Hi all,

I am absolutely mortified. I have been working in the same place for years and have had some tough times and difficult colleagues but I'm pretty laid back so have just got on with it.

I have chaired meetings and attended them with no problem.

I recently started a new role in a different department. Its a promotion and I'm over the moon that I have had lots of positive feedback. I have a good team and we all get on well.

Another person recently started and is sort of a team leader. Not my manager as such but she does hold more weight in the company than me. I did work with this person many many years ago in a different role. One to one she is very friendly to me. However in meetings and group settings she will shoot me down and almost try to publicly humiliate me. I do not feel heard or able to speak up in meetings that we both attend because of this and she will often interrupt me too. This is happening literally every time I speak.

I have been having a really shit time right now personally and in a meeting earlier she started her ways again and for the first time in my entire life I cried at work. Luckily it was a virtual meeting so I just switched my camera and Mic off but two colleagues did notice and texted me. I'm so embarrassed. I did not tell them the real reason because they absolutely love this team leader and see her outside of work as friends.

My boss recently asked that I speak up more in meetings because I used to share ideas but I have recently gone very quiet. I just said I would because again I don't want to come across as a trouble causer so early into this new role. It seems no one has noticed this happening.

Aibu to just look for another job because I'm too chicken to approach this colleague and I'm mortified new colleagues have seen me cry.

If you control the meeting can you not mute her? Or change her permissions, on some teams meetings I can interrupt and others I can’t. It depends on how the invites been sent out.

If I was in charge of the meeting I’d just boot her off each time (oops sorry the connection must have gone) but I’m petty like that.

Another tactic is to write your comment in the chat box first and then come in and say, I just wanted to provide more detail on the comment I made. That way at least your view is still on record. It also makes it harder for someone to interrupt because its more obvious that you haven't finished your point, having provided a summary.

But I'd still tackle the interruptions head on as well. Even if you wait for her to finish, then come back in and say 'I just wanted to come back in because I hadn't finished my point' or 'I just wanted to clarify my position as dickhead interrupter has picked me up wrong' Keep doing that and it will become more obvious that she is derailing you

Speak to boss. Further to our recent chat it’s more than just being new I’m not speaking as much because I’m cut off/shot down. I think your boss has noticed and was giving you a chance to say.
Have a strategy. A stock phrase if she interrupts.
Maybe there’s some training you could access through work to be more assertive.

As soon as she interrupts you, you need to say "I'm not finished" and continue on. A couple of times of this she'll soon realise you're not a walk over. However if she continues, then have a word with your manager.

I absolutely hate being interrupted in meetings but also I'm really not a confrontational person and hate to cause a scene. I find the most effective approach is just to stop talking immediately and when the person who interrupted you finishes talking just carry on exactly where you left off as if there was no break. It's a little very passive aggressive but it can be very effective.

You say outside of meeting she is friendly. So, maybe have a think about booking a coffee chat with her to ask her advice. Explain YOU have a problem ( I hear that you don’t but just go with this). Explain that YOU Feel that when you try to talk in meetings that she is shooting you down. Explain that you know you doesn’t intend to make you feel this way ( although she might) and ask how you can work more effectively WITH her at these meetings. Say you are asking because you can see she is assertive and you sometimes find that difficult. Basically feed her a line that you are asking for help to solve your problem. Don’t make it about her. Don’t lie, don’t flatter her, just twist it into being your problem you want her help to solve. Most people actually then get a buzz out of being asked to coach someone- hopefully she will then rise to a challenge and look an idiot if her coaching doesn’t improve your situation and without realising will become more supportive of you.
If that fails, or she doesn’t want to engage then go to HR knowing you have tried to solve the problem yourself. But agian make it about your problem and ask HR to help coach you into improving the interactions.

I know it sounds bonkers. But I did this with a bullying boss. I actually asked them if they minded HR rep attending our 1:1 to observe and feedback to me where I was going wrong and how I could improve our interactions. Of course HR came in and saw it wasn’t my problem, but point was that they had somewhere to go then to change their behaviour to “help “ me without them loosing face or looking like the bully they weres. Company needed up getting a coach to work with both of us under guise of helping me. My behaviour didn’t change much as a result- bosses did🙄🤔. Whilst I never liked them, we managed to have a much better working relationship.

It also occurs to me that the meeting isn't being managed well. The chair should be asking for people to put their hands up and then inviting them to speak. I find online meetings impossible if they aren't chaired, as everyone is out of synch and talking at once. I would ask the chair if you can use this system as otherwise you find it difficult to come in and it gives everyone a chance to have their views heard.

That way the chair will let you finish before inviting the next person to speak and she can't talk over you

@Wolfiefan

Have you tried simply saying please don’t interrupt me??

I was in this situation with a colleague and calling her out on it was difficult and I had to do it a few times but I was then able to contribute more.

Some of the advice here is so bad. Booting people out of meetings, ‘subtle’ hints which will probably make look OP look odd, sending smoke signals etc. Why? Why make things so complicated? Is this how people giving advice behave in their own workplace? It are you just pretending to be ultra (unnecessarily) assertive because it sounds great.

Why not just speak to the person offline and let them know what they are doing and give them a chance to change things. Especially as OP gets on with this person on one to one basis.

Id also add if she is mainly doing this in virtual meetings, but not face to face meetings, it might just be she struggles and you struggle to pick up non verbal clues when to start talking and stop. It is actually way more difficult to have virtual meetings and lots of people struggle and feel talked over. If you think that could be one of factors, that can be something to ask her advice on - how you can better signal and be aware of when you start and stop talking.

Put your hand up as you would to a small child, say 'let me finish /don't interrupt me please', raise your eyebrows and say what you want. If she cuts you off, cut her off.

And know when to let her talk herself into a hole. Because she's obviously capable of doing so

Did you cry because of her interruptions or her shooting you down? Could you give an example of what you mean by that? I ask, because for some people, saying something like, "I don't agree that's the best approach," is too much for them to handle - but it isn't really "shooting them down". I will often use language such as, "No, I think you're wrong," "I completely disagree," and so on. I wonder if your colleague is just more assertive and direct in her style of speech?

On the other hand if she is being intimidating and rude to you, then I'm surprised no one else has noticed. Maybe your boss was trying to give you an opening to talk about that?

If you wanted to approach your colleague directly about this, I would think about asking her to mentor you! You could let her know that you find her communication style extremely effective and ask would she help you to improve your confidence in expressing yourself.

Do you talk to her before the mtgs? Some people like to demonstrate their value by finding something to pick at in a mtg - I try and defuse these people by talking to then before hand so I know where they are going to go, and if they still go there, you let them and then thank them for repeating themselves to you.

It happens it's okay.
At the next meeting ask her why she keeps interrupting you?
I'm sure other colleagues have noticed it, you'll feel so good about it.

There is a line between soft and gentle and being aggressive. If you’re unable to speak to a colleague politely to explain you haven’t finished speaking then you’re not managing to function in the work place. You do need to be more clear and confident.

Do not look for another job. You like this one and are doing well. Sort the problem at source and either speak to her or report her.

For the people who hate being interrupted in meetings please just make sure it’s not because they have to to get a word in because you are hogging the limelight. I’m finding more and more that I don’t get a chance to say a single thing in professional and social settings anymore without having to interject because people are just monologue.

Firstly I'm so sorry you're in this situation OP, it sounds horrible. [Flowers]

If this makes you feel any better, I once had a horrendous meeting where I was verbally abused by a more senior colleague. It was on zoom and I had to pretend to take an urgent call to leave it. I was in complete shock and just to add fuel to fire, very pre-menstrual too. I knew the only choice I had was to phone the company CEO and explain what had happened before my horrible colleague got there first even though I was in no fit state to communicate what had happened without being a blubbering mess.

I got him on the phone and I really tried to hold it together but ended up bursting into tears mid phone call. I was mortified and he was completely taken aback. The upshot was I got an apology email from said colleague that evening and within 3 months his contract was terminated. Never came up again and ended up working there for years.

Please don't feel embarrassed and do not let this two-faced A hole force you out of a job you love. Please do speak to your manager and explain how you feel. It's their job to resolve issues like this. The fact they've already picked up on you not talking in meetings is a positive and gives you good grounds to go back and explain what's causing you feel so reticent.

Hang in there lovely, you've got this x

I had someone who did this to me. I took to not stopping what I was saying when she interrupted or if that wasn't possible, once she stopped say 'just to finish what I was saying before'. The trick is not to let her do it to you if you can? It's just a pissing contest.

Sorry for the emoji fail there not posted in a while!

Its not that she disagrees with my point. I'm happy to have open discussions and even debates etc. I take on others points withoutproblems. The interupting is bad but its the way the interrupting happens and whats said. As I said its literally every single thing I say every single time I speak.

Example- boss had asked me to do xyz and I said "boss has asked xyz and I have done this work and found abc" she cut in "well we have all done xyz before and can all go on and on about it so no point talking about it I think we should do 123" thing is i had not gone on and on id only said one sentence. Its as if she does not value my experience. Afterwards people who were in the meeting said they agreed with what I said about finding abc and it was a good point and helpful to know.
Another example- an action from the previous meeting had been tasked to me and when we got to that action I began speaking about what I had done and she cut in "who is actually supposed to be doing this" I said "me" and she then said "right I think Anna (not me) should be tasked with this so let's leave it as incomplete and we will have a further meeting about this" I had actually completed the work. Its now been signed off by the managers and I have had praise from above on it being a good piece of work. Anna just passed it back to me anyway so it was totally pointless her wanting to set up another meeting and trying to assign someone else to it.

The examples are rubbish but its hard without actually telling you word for word which would be far too outing.

@Wolfiefan maybe I'm not functioning in the work place but unfortunately I need to pay the bills. Some people do have low confidence and work you know.

I get it op.
I've been working on being assertive for years - successfully too.
Team meeting on zoom/ teams etc are tricky. And throw in the time delay.
Press the hand up button and then when you get your turn, talk , and when Sally interrupts, just keep going./ talking.
Don't feel bad for talking over her - that's what's she been doing to you in-effect anyway.
Smile as you continue. Remember you have important stuff to say too.
Your colleagues have already told you so.
I wonder if she feels a little threatened by you........

So she is undermining you in meetings. Your boss was likely expecting you to say that when they spoke to you.

"I hadn't finished speaking."
"I'm still speaking, Colleague."
"If you'd just let me finish my point"
"Hang on, let me finish and then you can come in."
"No, I just said that's my piece of work."
"No, we need to talk about xyz. There's lots more to say, actually. For instance..."
"Could you stop interrupting me, please. This is important."
"I know you have a lot you want to say, but I haven't finished making my point."
"Yes, I'm aware of your point of view. Let's try and stick to the topic. As I was saying..."

She knows she's doing it, so no point trying to talk to her about it. She sees you as weak and doesn't respect you. Your options are to speak to your boss, maybe ask for some training, or to find a way to build your confidence yourself so you can say the above things without flinching. Don't let her push you out of a job.

It sounds like it is much more than interrupting, she is seriously trying to undermine you, that must be upsetting.

I think you would be best to speak to your manager about it, using these sorts of examples

It's interesting that the two that are great friends with her texted you...do you think you are being bullied intentionally with these colleagues colluding? Do they want your job?