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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell school

117 replies

Rosebel · 15/09/2021 00:16

My DD is 15 and was very upset earlier as someone hacked her snap chat account and asked her for nude photos.
She was crying and said she was scared. We had a cuddle and she blocked the number. I said she'd done the right thing telling me and to tell me if it happened again.
I feel so awful for her. She was shaking and said she was scared.
I was wondering if I should drop an email to school. I know they can't do anything but if she gets upset tomorrow at least they'll know why. She does have a tendancy to worry and then if something small happens it will tip her over the edge and she'll either be angry or tearful.
Should I send an email just so they're aware?

OP posts:

Sunnyjac · 15/09/2021 10:36

ChateauMargaux
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Nail, head! Absolutely agree. Block and move on does not address the issue, just teaches boys that it’s okay and girls that it’s part of life. No no no. I will not give that message to my girls

5zeds · 15/09/2021 10:43

Why @Willow19C ? Would you expect them to not react to other abuse?

Original poster

Rosebel · 15/09/2021 11:10

Well I doubt she's lying to me purely because she (and her sister) know that punishment for lying is always worse than a punishment for doing something wrong and owning up to it.
I was at work when she went to school but my husband said she was a bit quiet but seemed okay.
I will have a talk with her after school and see if there's more to the story.
It's great that all your daughters think men asking for nude pictures is fine (it isn't by the way) and would laugh it off but I can tell you 100%that I know quite a few teenagers who haven't had to deal with shit like this.

OP posts:

Willow19C · 15/09/2021 11:21

@5zeds

Why *@Willow19C* ? Would you expect them to not react to other abuse?

Is that how you would react? I'd expect my daughter to (firstly not accept a strangers friend request) come to me and tell me what has happened, then we can talk through how to deal with it - delete and block. Not to run to me crying and shaking, that is not a normal reaction, no.

I strongly suspect there is more to this story than OP knows.

Geamhradh · 15/09/2021 11:22

@Rosebel

Well I doubt she's lying to me purely because she (and her sister) know that punishment for lying is always worse than a punishment for doing something wrong and owning up to it. I was at work when she went to school but my husband said she was a bit quiet but seemed okay. I will have a talk with her after school and see if there's more to the story. It's great that all your daughters think men asking for nude pictures is fine (it isn't by the way) and would laugh it off but I can tell you 100%that I know quite a few teenagers who haven't had to deal with shit like this.

Absolutely nobody has said that.

Willow19C · 15/09/2021 11:23

@Rosebel

Well I doubt she's lying to me purely because she (and her sister) know that punishment for lying is always worse than a punishment for doing something wrong and owning up to it. I was at work when she went to school but my husband said she was a bit quiet but seemed okay. I will have a talk with her after school and see if there's more to the story. It's great that all your daughters think men asking for nude pictures is fine (it isn't by the way) and would laugh it off but I can tell you 100%that I know quite a few teenagers who haven't had to deal with shit like this.

No one is saying it's fine and laugh it off. But as a 15 year old, I would not have had a melt down. Especially had I accepted the stranger. I'd have probably been a bit upset and highly embarrassed, but tears at one message? No.

There must be more to it.

AndTime · 15/09/2021 11:23

I am sorry your daughter had to deal with that. It is not ok that it is common place and almost expected behaviour.

unfortunately, ok or not, it does happen across social media and won't stop any time soon so you need to help your daughter to develop resilience or encourage her to remove these platforms.

We can both educate that it is not ok, whilst helping our daughters have coping tools.

I have to agree with almost everyone else that you don't have the full story here though and to do some digging.

5zeds · 15/09/2021 11:27

@Willow19C I would expect the victim of this not to be held up to some weird ideal of what is “normal” in response to abuse. That’s not emotional maturity that’s conditioning (grooming) of young women to endure this shit.

stripedbananas · 15/09/2021 11:50

Sadly this happens a lot and boys like to airdrop anonymous nude pics to sweet innocent 😇 year 7's walking down the corridor which must be a scary and alarming start to Secondary school.

Obviously report it to the School and also the police. The police need and want to know.

5zeds · 15/09/2021 11:54

Why are either of them walking round school with their phones and why is your child’s phone set up so they can receive random airdrops from everyone?

Hoppinggreen · 15/09/2021 11:55

@Rosebel

Well I doubt she's lying to me purely because she (and her sister) know that punishment for lying is always worse than a punishment for doing something wrong and owning up to it. I was at work when she went to school but my husband said she was a bit quiet but seemed okay. I will have a talk with her after school and see if there's more to the story. It's great that all your daughters think men asking for nude pictures is fine (it isn't by the way) and would laugh it off but I can tell you 100%that I know quite a few teenagers who haven't had to deal with shit like this.

Literally nobody has said this is fine You have no way of knowing whether you know “quite a few teenagers who haven’t had to deal with DH it like this“, I suspect you don’t. I also suspect that your daughter may have lied and is now backed into a corner because as you say yourself the punishment for lying is far worse. It’s a horrible thing to happen and if it HAS happened you should see if the people responsible can be reported BUT most of the time the reaction to being asked for nudes results in an eye roll and block rather than crying and shaking. My DD is no tough but, she suffers from anxiety and has been having Counselling for it but while this kind of thing pisses her off and is upsetting if it comes from someone she knows she doesn’t react like yours has. The only reason I can see for that level of upset is if there is much more to it. Also, claiming to having been hacked makes no sense at all in this context and sounds like an attempt to shift the blame for something

elenacampana · 15/09/2021 12:01

It doesn’t sound like hacking to me, more likely a private message has been received. If the account had been hacked, she wouldn’t be receiving messages, her account would be sending things out. I also agree that it’s quite a big reaction to something that, whilst it certainly isn’t acceptable and shouldn’t be the norm, doesn’t warrant a crying and shaking episode. I also wonder if the request was responded to and this is where the hacking idea comes into things.

If you’re intention to tell the school is just so that they’re aware, by all means go ahead. Should she have another crying and shaking episode, they’d be better placed to deal with it if they’re already in possession of the backstory.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 15/09/2021 12:24

I'm starting to wonder if people don't realise girls ask for nudes and dick pics too? What's with all the "we must protect our daughters"? What about the sons?

Hoppinggreen · 15/09/2021 12:43

I have a son and I am sure there are things he needs to be protected from this and other things too but OP has a daughter and that’s what we are discussing here.
I hate the “what about the poor men/boys” shite when ever anything affecting young girls or women is being highlighted

ChateauMargaux · 15/09/2021 12:47

I'm starting to wonder if people don't realise girls ask for nudes and dick pics too? What's with all the "we must protect our daughters"? What about the sons?

Yeah.. this is about a girl who has been asked for nude pictures and her mother who has asked for help, on a predominately female support site. The overwhelming majority of sexual harassment events are harassment of females. Do not dilute the story, do not undermine the narrative, do not distort the facts. The recent news articles, Ofsted reports and Everyone's invited, MeToo etc etc all show that this is primarily a female issue. Yes, it happens to boys too, but that does not make the problem of sexual harassment of females a lessor problem,

Original poster

Rosebel · 15/09/2021 14:48

I agree that I don't think her account was hacked but don't know about the rest.
I did speak to her tutor today, not because I expect the school to do anything but just to make them aware.
I'm not sure about the police given it's Snapchat and the message disappeared. My daughter has blocked the number but I'm still in two minds about just removing her social media.
I will be talking to her this afternoon anyway and see what happens from there. I'm absolutely terrified now that she's sent nude pictures and god knows where they will end up.

OP posts:

rougemouse · 15/09/2021 15:00

Does the username give anything away as to who it might be? I don't think Snapchat provides numbers, rather you just see a username.

If she has sent anything via Snapchat and they've saved the picture she would have got a notification that they had saved it. However, what I've seen a lot of with dd and her friends is using each other's phones to take a photo of pictures on each other's screens so they can get around the person being notified. So yes, definitely worth digging!

Cas112 · 15/09/2021 15:43

This doesn't make sense,

If your snapchat account has been hacked that means someone is on your account so would maybe messaging others from your account and has the access to look at saved pictures to your account. Which could explain why your daughter is so upset, if she has previously taken explicit pictures on snapchat and saved them onto her snapchat account then the 'hackers' may have seen them when they have logged into the account.

She may have been asked for pictures from another snapchat account, which if this is the case and she is a regular user of snapchat your daughter should know how to just delete and block this account and they cant ask her again. She would have had to accept this account in the first place or maybe it is an account of someone she knows and they have been hacked hence asking her for rude images, which as long as she's not sent and responded she should be ok, once again she should block and delete.

I think there is a bit more to the story judging by her reaction.

WitchBaby · 15/09/2021 16:42

most of the time the reaction to being asked for nudes results in an eye roll and block rather than crying and shaking.

Along with an ‘F off you perv’. The crying and shaking is most peculiar.

CoralBells · 15/09/2021 16:59

@lannistunut

Don't think it is an extreme reaction, being sexually harassed is upsetting

Agree.

honeygriff · 15/09/2021 17:09

There's a tab called 'my eyes only' on snap chat. It's password protected. I've got this info from my adult teenage daughter. It would be possible for this to be hacked. If this has happened it could be a very serious situation.

Fluffypastelslippers · 15/09/2021 17:15

I'm a bit unsure why you have told school tbh. This kind of thing happens all the time when you give children a plate form where they can receive unsolicited messages. It won't be any surprise to school that someone has contacted someone contactable. I think before allowing apps though you need to know exactly how they work, so you are aware of potential dangers. Also you do need to make your child aware of how to deal with this kind of thing if you decide to allow them to use apps.

Fluffypastelslippers · 15/09/2021 17:15

Platform

ShaneTheThird · 15/09/2021 17:32

I'm sorry but I agree with others. There's more to this story she's not telling you. Her reaction is very extreme and not normal. To shake and cry over a strangers message that she has apparently blocked and deleted doesn't make sense. And it doesn't matter if she's never had a stranger ask before, at 15 years of age you are telling me that her and all of her friends and peers have never experienced nor spoken about this happening when it's been common place for the last 5 or more years? No one is saying asking for nudes off strangers and teenagers is ok. It's disgusting and wrong. What people are saying is it's so common and widely joked about there's no way in hell a 15 year old on social media hasn't already experienced it or known others who have. It does seem she's either sent nudes or she's being threatened either way you need to get to the bottom of it.

Russell19 · 15/09/2021 17:39

@Rosebel are you aware that Snapchat was created to send nudes for brief periods of time so that they'd disappear and weren't saved? (Until people started screenshots)
That was the whole point of the app.

Also you only need a username to add someone so it's not very secure in the way that strangers can guess usernames. Does she have a particularly obvious username? 🤔 Also ask her what she means by 'hacked'

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