To tell school

[Rosebel]

My DD is 15 and was very upset earlier as someone hacked her snap chat account and asked her for nude photos.
She was crying and said she was scared. We had a cuddle and she blocked the number. I said she'd done the right thing telling me and to tell me if it happened again.
I feel so awful for her. She was shaking and said she was scared.
I was wondering if I should drop an email to school. I know they can't do anything but if she gets upset tomorrow at least they'll know why. She does have a tendancy to worry and then if something small happens it will tip her over the edge and she'll either be angry or tearful.
Should I send an email just so they're aware?

Hi OP, I have two teenage DDs, and the internet/apps are a minefield! I’m so glad I didn’t have to navigate this when I was a teen.
I’m afraid I agree with PP’s, and suspect there’s more to this than your DD has let on.
Do you check her phone? Snapchat messages disappear after they’ve been read so really hard as a parent to police that app. You can amend the settings for messages to save for 24hrs etc, but the default is, once the message has been read by the recipient, it disappears.

Have an honest discussion with her. As people have pointed out: if her account had been ‘hacked’, then your DD wouldn’t have been able to receive nude requests because the account would have been under the hackers’ control.
Good luck!

Nobody's hacked her account. That doesn't make sense. Also, if a stranger has managed to message her then (I think) she's either not got her account privacy set correctly or she's accepted a friend request from someone she doesn't know. I have a teen daughter, she's constantly being asked for nudes and being sexually harassed while gaming. She just reports and blocks. If my DD reacted the way yours did I would definitely assume something more was going on but obviously I don't know your DD

The school will want to know, especially as she's been upset by it. Go to safeguarding or pastoral care.

Something similar happened to my DD on Instagram. She had a secret public account because she knew I checked her normal one. (That's sorted now, she won't do it again).
We reported to the police and school. School took it seriously and organised a counselling session.

Police sent someone round and we think they found out who it was - they couldn't tell us who, but hinted it was a child at her school.

I’d tell her tutor that she had a bit of a shock and is upset, this would work if she is upset by the request or if there is something deeper

Speak to the school, she is only 15 so this is someone asking for child porn. I don't understand why people think it's no big deal and how they don't understand why she's upset. It's horrific that people just accept this as some kind of norm.

It IS a big deal and should not be the norm or accepted
BUT those of us with teen girls know how commonplace this is unfortunately and this girl’s reaction does seem unusual

Her account hasn't been hacked, she has accepted a stranger and been asked for nude photos.
Despite what some people on here are saying, crying about this is NOT a normal reaction. It sounds to me like she has replied in some way and engaged with the person messaging. One dirty message (although not nice) doesn't warrant crying and needing a cuddle from your mum.

If your daughter is this sensitive usually, I would suggest she is probably too young (mentally, not in age) for a mobile phone that isn't more heavily monitored by a parent.

I would be worried she has sent a photo, personally.

Unless your DD is particularly naive, and and is new to Snapchat I would find her reaction worrying and be concerned there is more to it than she's letting on

Sadly, I agree with this.

I think we put so much emphasis on the message that THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO IS SEND NUDE PHOTOS OF YOURSELF that when teenagers do send them (as 15-25% of them apparently do) they are left with terrible guilt and shame and feel they are unable to ask for help.

Maybe have a chat with your DD emphasising how wrong it is for people to encourage people to send nudes - I.e. put the blame and shame back where it belongs. Let her know that, whilst it is very inadvisable to send them it is not the end of the world and it is not something she should be ashamed of (the shame resides with the person who solicited it).

DS’s friend was encouraged to send a dick pic “as a joke” to someone he’d been online gaming with. That person somehow got hold of his Microsoft account password (or hacked into it?) and changed his profile picture to the dick pic, sent him a screenshot, gave him a while to see it and panic then changed it back and said he’d do it again unless he gave him his parents’ credit card details. Luckily he told his parents who were clear headed enough to block the Microsoft account and request a new password. I don’t know exactly what happened next as I heard everything via DS, but apparently the scammer was suspected to be overseas and the photo never resurfaced, he just moved onto his next victim.

She does have a tendancy to worry and then if something small happens it will tip her over the edge and she'll either be angry or tearful

Look

Although i agree with other posters who are concerned that your dd may have already sent photos and i agree this is a possibility and should be investigated

Its really not helpful saying that dd isn’t having a ‘normal’ reaction

It could just be that she is feeling stress about other things and this has just tipped her over the edge, lots of us cry at something very mild because we are upset at something else

You do need to look into this further and, as others have said, reassure her if she has sent photos and make sure she doesn’t do it again!

Yeah I don't think anyone is saying it's okay or should be normal... Just that it is commonplace and either there's more to the story or your DD isn't savvy enough to have these kinds of accounts because this will happen. It's shit but it's life now

Snapchat is an awful thing. Worst of the bunch imo and should be banned.

What worries me here is your daughters reaction to something that all girls her age are been asked.

What worries me is that we are being groomed by society to accept that this behaviour is normal. It is not. I will copy something I wrote on another thread.

Our children are learning that this is normal, it is entertainment, it is what everybody does. Children learn what they see and when they feel repulsed by what they are shown, they question what is different about them. When they speak out and are silenced, they stop speaking out so this message becomes the only message heard by other people. They learn that they will not be accepted in society unless they speak the same message so they either stay silent and suffer or join in and suffer.

This constant sexual harassment of girls is damaging to them and the block and move on response is also teaching boys that this is OK, they can laugh it off and move on to the next person. They will only count the positive responses and see that as confirmation that their behaviour is normal.

Read the latest news reports, Everyone's Invited stories, the latest Ofsted report on this.. our girls are under attack. Speak to the school, make them listen, make them change the behaviour of the boys in their school before they become men. It is not the responsibility of girls to defend themselves, it is our responsibility to protect them from this criminal behaviour.

Child pornography laws in England, Wales and Northern Ireland are covered bythe Protection of Children Act 1978("the 1978 Act"), which made it illegal to take, make, distribute, show, or possess for the intent of showing or distributing an indecent photograph of someone under the age of 18.

The age of criminal responsibility in England and Wales is 10 years old.

This is the other thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feminism/4347938-Dd-shown-Porn-in-school-help-needed?pg=4

@Rosebel

She's upset because some random person asked for a picture of her naked. I think I'd be upset about that if it happened to me. She said she didn't know who it was and judging by the way she was shaking and crying I'm convinced she was telling the truth. I am considering removing Snapchat from her phone though.

Ok, sorry I think this is all a bit crazy. Someone asked your 15 year old for nudes. Whilst that’s of course not right, it’s 2021 abs social media is full of this crap. Unless you and your daughter have been living under a rock with no social media at all then I am gobsmacked this conversation hasn’t come up before. My 12 year old DD’s friend (also 12) just recently had a boy she knows from her old primary message on Snapchat to ask for nudes. My DD showed me the text. It was an excellent opportunity to talk to my DD about this and what she should and shouldn’t do if she ever gets asked to have nudes taken or to share them (which she most probably will at some point) Why was your daughter shaking and crying? Completely bizarre behaviour from a 15 year old unless there are SN or previous history. She is 15, I think she needs to toughen up to be honest, she will be in the real adult world in under 3 years and far worse will be seen and heard. Sounds like she has been wrapped up in 1000 layers of cotton wool and that’s coming from someone who is one of the more protective mums in my DD’s year!

I think you need the full info first before taking appropriate action?

I hate Snapchat it’s the only social media platform that my 13 year old dd has had any issues with. Last week someone with the same name as a boy in her year messaged her and when she opened it it was a clip of a man wanking in the bath! Luckily she didn’t see the whole thing. It wasn’t the boy from her year it was someone using his name so we have no idea who it is and we’ve blocked and reported. What more can you do other than to educate as much as possible about the dangers of social media?!

I'm obviously a bit clueless but what do you think her reaction should have been to the message?

Tbh I’d have just rolled my eyes and blocked the number.

I wouldn't be considering removing snapchat from the phone, i'd have already done it! The internet is a scary plaxe for teenagers and sometimes us as parents need to take it away and allow them to be kids and worry free!

I do agree it sounds a lot like there is more to this story than your daughter is telling you at the moment, give her time ans opportunity to open up to you. I think school is very much the least of your problems

@Thewholeshackshimmy

I hate Snapchat it’s the only social media platform that my 13 year old dd has had any issues with. Last week someone with the same name as a boy in her year messaged her and when she opened it it was a clip of a man wanking in the bath! Luckily she didn’t see the whole thing. It wasn’t the boy from her year it was someone using his name so we have no idea who it is and we’ve blocked and reported. What more can you do other than to educate as much as possible about the dangers of social media?!

Yep. One of my 14 year old girls found (older girls alerted her) video footage of her getting undressed on Instagram. Posted by a boy in the older girls' class. Cue police, parents, safeguarding, the whole lot. We (class teachers) were then told by our head of safeguarding that what had actually happened was that the younger girls had made the film (a few of us had questioned who had been in the bedroom filming if it wasn't the boy who'd got hold of it) logged into his account (he was the ex of another of the girls and she had all his details) and they had posted the video to "get back at him"

Little anymore is "normal", but sadly, it's all very common. And all we can do is keep the tide back by being there to listen to them when they come to us.

But that's a totally innocent boy who was ostracised and vilified on SM and in real life for the end of his school career.

I'd also not believe any of mine, including my own DD, who told me they'd deleted the secret account.
There'll be one. It'll just be more secret than the last one.
And, in a way, that's their right. If we have a right to snoop, allbeit to protect, then they have a right to have secrets. And to know they can come to us to talk (as parents or teachers) if those secrets backfire.

@Summersun2020

Op I would be removing Snapchat from her phone ASAP. Based on her reaction she definitely isn’t emotionally mature enough to use the app or probably other social media to be honest. Unless she’s not telling you the whole truth, which I suspect could be the case.

^this. I’m guessing the crying and shaking are because she’s sent nudes to a boy she knows but now realises it’ll be round the whole school hence saying she’s been hacked. If this is not the case then I don’t think she should have Snapchat as she’s obviously not emotionally mature enough for it.

There is no reason why you couldn't ask the school for advice.
Online safety and safeguarding support are there for that reason. It might be that they would give a recap lesson or adapt planning to cover these issues so they know what to do in the future.

@Hoppinggreen

It IS a big deal and should not be the norm or accepted BUT those of us with teen girls know how commonplace this is unfortunately and this girl’s reaction does seem unusual

This. I feel for teen girls on social media these days. My girls often get asked for nudes or get sent messages from "random Indian men" (their words) saying how pretty they are, how they have nice boobs etc (even though their accounts are set to private.) This is on Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook....It shouldn't be the norm but they still have to learn to just block, ignore it and move on. I too think your daughters reaction at 15 is a little strange and makes me wonder if there's something she's not telling you. By that age she will already have had lessons or assemblies in school regarding misuse of social media, asking for and sending nudes etc, so it will, or should, be something she's already aware might happen.

I’d stop the Snapchat because I wouldn’t want my children to be “emotionally mature enough” to receive that sort of thing and think it’s normal, because that ISNT maturity, that’s normalising abusive behaviour.

@5zeds

I’d stop the Snapchat because I wouldn’t want my children to be “emotionally mature enough” to receive that sort of thing and think it’s normal, because that ISNT maturity, that’s normalising abusive behaviour.

I would want my children to be emotionally mature enough to not react by shaking and crying though.

I think you should report it to the police and ask for their advice. It doesn't sound as if her account was hacked.