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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What is the moral thing to do in this situation

57 replies

LynnBenfieldAP · 13/09/2021 19:51

Hypothetically speaking what would you do in this situation

If you had a long distance relationship a good few years ago and were a size 10, you then reconnected with this person without seeing each other for the duration of this time, you are now a size 14/16.

If you were arranging to meet up would you tell the person before hand you had gained weight? If so would you just come out and say it or work it in naturally to conversation? Send a picture? 🤷🏻‍♀️

People I have asked in real life say no, but I think it's a bit unfair and almost like cat fishing when you know they remember you as a lot smaller, also I wouldn't want to put myself in a situation where I could see the shock/disappointment on their face in person!

OP posts:
JanglyBeads · 13/09/2021 19:53

I don’t think you’re morally obliged to tell them, no. Totally understand not wanting to see their face when they see you however.

BUT you’ve only gone up 2 sizes. Why do you automatically assume he’d be disappointed?

Was he very shallow?

Annietheacrobat · 13/09/2021 19:55

He might be a stone heavier

Annietheacrobat · 13/09/2021 19:56

He probably has less hair. Have you seen a recent photo of him? Ps I'd probably feel the same as you about this.

RoseGoldGlasses · 13/09/2021 19:56

You shouldn't have to say anything no, but me being me id tell them 🤦🏼‍♀️

pastabest · 13/09/2021 19:57

I would expect someone to have changed, would be a bit weird if they looked exactly the same as they did say 10+ years ago.

CoffeeRunner · 13/09/2021 19:58

Me being me I would tell him. But if it helps, if I cared about somebody I wouldn't care if they were a couple of sizes bigger.

Realyorkshiretea · 13/09/2021 19:59

Hmmmm. I would send an up to date photo under the guise of ‘what you’re doing that day’ or something, just for your peace of mind really. But I don’t think it’s a ‘moral’ issue.

Waspsarearseholes · 13/09/2021 19:59

You're working on the assumption that he only found you attractive as a 10. As though he liked nothing else about you and he'd find you repulsive as a 14/16. Not sure I'd be too fussed about meeting up with someone that shallow.

Bluntness100 · 13/09/2021 19:59

Why not send them a full length pic?

Bluntness100 · 13/09/2021 20:01

@Waspsarearseholes

You're working on the assumption that he only found you attractive as a 10. As though he liked nothing else about you and he'd find you repulsive as a 14/16. Not sure I'd be too fussed about meeting up with someone that shallow.
Um that’s a leap. She said nothing of the sort to indicate that. Ar worst she’s concerned he won’t find her attractive at her current size. This doesn’t mean that’s all he liked about her or he would find her repulsive.
MadeOfStarStuff · 13/09/2021 20:03

I don’t think it’s a moral issue, presumably there was more to your relationship than just looks, you must have got along as people.

If you’re on social media can you add each other? Then if they’re bothered they can check out more recent photos.

Hankunamatata · 13/09/2021 20:04

Suggest you swap pictures or face time each other?

Blackkbird · 13/09/2021 20:05

He may well be grey/balding/have gained weight in 10 years.

I bloody well have.

We're all going to look like shite in the end Grin I wouldn't worry about it.

NiceGerbil · 13/09/2021 20:06

No of course not.

Would you expect him to tell you he had gone a bit grey/ didn't have the same physique as stopped going gym/ etc etc?

Fangdango · 13/09/2021 20:06

@Realyorkshiretea

Hmmmm. I would send an up to date photo under the guise of ‘what you’re doing that day’ or something, just for your peace of mind really. But I don’t think it’s a ‘moral’ issue.
Yes, if you'd be on edge waiting for his reaction I'd do this. But you don't owe it to him. And most people I know who were size 10 a decade or so are a couple of sizes heavier now.
pigsDOfly · 13/09/2021 20:07

Why do you feel you have a 'moral' obligation to tell the person you've changed slightly.

I think that's a very odd word to use.

Maybe if you'd been in prison for armed robbery or murder, yes, you probably would have a moral obligation to tell the person, although, that's debatable.

But for gaining weight?

You have no obligation to say anything, and most certainly not a moral obligation to inform the person.

If however, you are worried about the persons reaction upsetting you when they look at you, then yes, say something.

Personally, if I thought someone I'd had a relationship with some time ago was likely to react so strongly that it's likely to be an issue, I probably wouldn't want to meet up with them again as I would think they're probably extremely shallow and not worth my time.

NiceGerbil · 13/09/2021 20:07

If true fact that you've got a bit bigger over the course of some years will put him off then he sounds like a shit anyway. I mean you know each other. It's not just a one off hook up!

PumpkinKlNG · 13/09/2021 20:07

I would

Jellycatspyjamas · 13/09/2021 20:11

I’d just turn up and see how he was, my weight has fluctuated over 2/3 sizes in the past 10 years, I expect people to accept me as I am. If they can’t do that, I don’t need them in my life.

SaturdaySpread · 13/09/2021 20:16

I don't think you have any moral obligation to tell him. I might "joke" about him not recognising me because of the extra weight, mainly to alay the fears you're having about his reaction.

I don't suppose he looks like he did either

MrsSkylerWhite · 13/09/2021 20:20

My connections have all been emotional. Was gobsmacked when in my early twenties a male model wanted to go out with me. I told him after 3 dates that it wasn’t working because he was the most boring man I’d ever been out with (obvs., didn’t say that!)

My husband of over 3 decades is obese, was when I met him. Much as I lurve Tom Hardy, I’d still climb over him to get to my husband.

It’s all about chemistry. Weight fluctuates, that doesn’t.

Go, have fun 😁

godmum56 · 13/09/2021 20:27

what do morals have to do with it?

MrsSkylerWhite · 13/09/2021 20:28

godmum56

what do morals have to do with it?“

Good point!

VladmirsPoutine · 13/09/2021 20:28

How is this in any way linked to morality?

TheVolturi · 13/09/2021 20:32

@VladmirsPoutine

How is this in any way linked to morality?
She's mentioned she thinks it's a bit like catfishing. Which, is morally wrong!
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