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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What is the moral thing to do in this situation

57 replies

LynnBenfieldAP · 13/09/2021 19:51

Hypothetically speaking what would you do in this situation

If you had a long distance relationship a good few years ago and were a size 10, you then reconnected with this person without seeing each other for the duration of this time, you are now a size 14/16.

If you were arranging to meet up would you tell the person before hand you had gained weight? If so would you just come out and say it or work it in naturally to conversation? Send a picture? 🤷🏻‍♀️

People I have asked in real life say no, but I think it's a bit unfair and almost like cat fishing when you know they remember you as a lot smaller, also I wouldn't want to put myself in a situation where I could see the shock/disappointment on their face in person!

OP posts:

MrsSkylerWhite · 13/09/2021 20:33

What’s catfishing?

Clarich007 · 13/09/2021 20:35

I wouldn't at all. As others have said, he must have changed over the years. It's natural. I had a similar experience a while ago, but there was a 30 year gap. It was my first love, and he looked so different weight wise, wrinkles eyc but still irresistable. It's not all chemistry but personality too. Good luck.

TheVolturi · 13/09/2021 20:37

@MrsSkylerWhite

What’s catfishing?

Posing online as someone that you're not. Which the op isn't of course. But she thinks he might see it like that if she no longer looks like she did when he last knew her.

BlueButterfliesAndPurpleStars · 13/09/2021 20:41

I don't think you need to do anything morally. People change, he's likely not the same person either. You'll both have changed somewhat inside and out.

However, if you're feeling self conscious I'd be tempted to mention it somehow before you meet. An example (but depends just how friendly you are!) "I've gained - bit, but my boobs are awesome pillows right now "

Otherwise you'll just think about it the whole time and see things that aren't there!

MrsSkylerWhite · 13/09/2021 20:41

TheVolturi

MrsSkylerWhite
What’s catfishing?

Posing online as someone that you're not. Which the op isn't of course. But she thinks he might see it like that if she no longer looks like she did when he last knew her.“

Ok, thank you.
We’ll she’s obviously not doing that,

Standrewsschool · 13/09/2021 20:42

I presume he’s re-connecting with you as a person, ie your personality etc, and not just for your body.

I wouldn’t say anything as such. However, the likelihood is that he has facebook-stalked you, so are aware what you look like now anyway.

If he just wanted you for your body, then that’s shallow, and I would do a runner.

Original poster

LynnBenfieldAP · 13/09/2021 20:47

Maybe moral was the wrong word to use, I was referring to the fact that I felt it was a bit like cat fishing, which I know I'm not doing but if feels similar to me.

This is 100% my issue, I don't have any reason from our previous relationship that would make me think he would be against someone a bit bigger, it's my own unhappiness within myself that is causing me to question this, and the fear of the possibility of seeing a flash of shock or surprise when we first see each other, my fragile ego could not take that.

Because surely even if he would be perfectly happy with me the way I am now, he is still going to notice I look different, and I don't want to see it happening in front of my eyes if that makes sense!

Thanks for the replies though they have been very helpful ;)

OP posts:

Original poster

LynnBenfieldAP · 13/09/2021 20:49

I should add, the only thing that makes me slightly worried, is that although we had a really great relationship all round, we were very physical, and we have spoken about that since we've been talking and he's mentioned my body, like you've got great legs for example, but they aren't the same great legs he remembers.

Again I'm not suggesting. He would be repulsed by my legs now but that's what's made me worry a bit more I think

OP posts:

cabingirl · 13/09/2021 20:53

You don't have any moral obligation to say anything because you don't have any obligation to other people to be a certain weight or size or keep your appearance the same.

But - if you are worried about his reaction and how it might make you feel that's different. Do you look dramatically different? And are you sure the person hasn't already noticed this via social media etc?

If this is a person who might show shock or disappointment that a human being sometimes changes over the years then I'm not sure I'd be that interested back.

Quartz2208 · 13/09/2021 20:57

its been a few years - none of us looks like we did a few years ago particularly given the last 18 months we have had.

Voice0fReason · 13/09/2021 20:58

It's nothing like catfishing.
I can't understand why it would even cross your mind to mention it.

MiddleParking · 13/09/2021 21:01

If morals came into it at all I’d say it’s more immoral to have any kind of expectation that a woman remain a size 10 forever than it is for her not to do so.

appleturnovers · 13/09/2021 21:03

No one can expect someone not to have changed at all in 10 years. At the very least everyone will have aged to some degree. Men might have started balding, all sorts.

GrumpyTerrier · 13/09/2021 21:08

Just send a few pics under the guise of 'look what I got up to today' etc, then you know he knows. Have you seen recent pics of him?

PassTheDutchyUpYrLeftBackside · 13/09/2021 21:10

How have you managed to get away without him seeing a recent picture of you, OP?

Nobody can go for a pint of milk without it being on InstaWhatsAppaGram - what way have you reconnected?

Maybe he's seen pictures of you already?

PlanDeRaccordement · 13/09/2021 21:12

No I wouldn’t, it’s been a “good few years” they have to expect you to have changed/aged.
Nothing to do with morals.

Original poster

LynnBenfieldAP · 13/09/2021 21:14

We are both on FB and there have been a few pics of me recently that would show more what I look like now, but I usually only post face pics if anything so there's only been maybe 1 or 2 over the years of my body and I don't know if he even uses his FB anymore, he never used it much and there's no activity on it from year to year!

OP posts:

FatAnneTheDealer · 13/09/2021 21:15

I think it depends on how long ago it was, how old you are now, and what was the relationship then, and the potential relationship now.

suredsun · 13/09/2021 21:30

It would be easy enough to engineer a "Will we recognise each other?!" kind of conversation beforehand. Then he'll be mentally primed to look for a larger lady than the one he remembered (and you'll know to look for the man with thinning hair).

daisyjgrey · 13/09/2021 21:39

Hahaha I had this, a guy I was seeing went travelling and came back. I was heavier, I worried he'd care, he didn't, just said "your boobs are even bigger!" And then carried on as normal.

Crack on.

DeletedByAccident · 13/09/2021 21:40

I would send a photo.
I would be devastated to see a flicker of shock/alarm or whatever if he had no clue and had been mentally picturing me as my old size 10.
That’s my own insecurities though.

Cam2020 · 13/09/2021 21:45

Hmmmm. I would send an up to date photo under the guise of ‘what you’re doing that day’ or something, just for your peace of mind really. But I don’t think it’s a ‘moral’ issue.

Completely agree. Please don't say anything about having gained weight, you don't need to jutify your body to anyone and it almost sounds like apologising or advertising an insecurity. Not your fault at all, but how society has conditioned women to think.

Howshouldibehave · 13/09/2021 21:45

@DeletedByAccident

I would send a photo. I would be devastated to see a flicker of shock/alarm or whatever if he had no clue and had been mentally picturing me as my old size 10. That’s my own insecurities though.

Yes, me too. I would have mentioned already probably-especially when he said I had great legs. I would probably have joked that there’s rather more of me now than he might remember, to see if he reacted.

I would much rather do that than me worry I’m advance about his reaction. That’s all me and my problem but people are different and react in different ways, and that’s what I’d do.

CatalinaCasesolver · 13/09/2021 22:36

If it were me I would find a way to casually or jokingly drop it into the conversation that I don't quite look as toned and slim as I was before. But that's because personally I wouldn't want to just turn up on the day and read his reaction .

You're not massively bigger so I don't think it's an issue at all but I understand why you feel the way you do.

whosthathowsthat · 13/09/2021 22:56

Have you got any old photos of you two together?
I'd send one then say
"Oooh I remember that dress, haha I'd be lucky to get it done up/over my hips/across my heaving bosoms nowadays!"
Just a gentle nudge that you may not be as lithe as you once were.

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