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AIBU?

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Original poster

Shut your filthy ass mouth

86 replies

gemmur · 13/09/2021 12:22

My usually placid husband has just told me to 'shut your filthy ass mouth' because I said I was fed up of him constantly sleeping through our son crying and me not having one night off since he was born 5 months ago.

No build up to it, just me calmly telling him how I feel to be met with that comment and him storming out. What a disgusting thing to say. I want to ask him to leave.

WIBU to ask him to leave over that comment?

OP posts:
Monestera · 13/09/2021 14:17

Was it a film quote or something? Sounds like a weird thing for someone who doesn't have previous for it to just come out with randomly out of the blue.

Yes, it's a strange turn of phrase. Funny that the OP hasn't returned after starting such a serious and worrying thread.

Plumtree391 · 13/09/2021 14:22

He can't help it if he doesn't wake up, you could try waking him though.

However husband should not have spoken to you in that way, it was vile.

Notmoresugar · 13/09/2021 14:27

What a vile thing to say.
I don't think I could ever forget or come back from that.

WeddingDilemma01 · 13/09/2021 14:32

Ignore my username. Not changed it since my first post, but quickly wanted to say that this really made my jaw drop. That’s absolutely disgusting.

He sounds completely useless and not supportive at all. And a complete pig to boot

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 13/09/2021 14:34

monestera

I’m wondering if it is all about the froth…

mam0918 · 13/09/2021 14:48

If you weren't swearing or being inappropriate then why would he say a phrase clearly aimed at someone doing that?

the use of the word 'filthy' is very telling here, either you were:

Swearing or saying disgusting things and he responded this way (likely in an angry tone)
or
He was being silly/playful and its a quote from something (sounds like a bad gangster film lol)

Theres just no other senario that makes sense with that phrase.

me4real · 13/09/2021 14:53

@mam0918 Or he's a twat. Some men think on some level that any woman (especially with her own needs and opinion) is disgusting, and sometimes that will come out of their mouths.

He was expressing his opinion that OP has no right to be anything other than 100% happy with his failing at being a father and husband.

It is 'filthy'' because what she is doing by not 100% keeping in her place is blasphemy.

me4real · 13/09/2021 15:16

If he had to do the night feeds himself, say he was a single dad, he would eventually hear the baby and wake up. Likelihood is he does hear him, he just doesn't do anything about it because he doesn't have to, it's 'your job.'

Topseyt · 13/09/2021 15:25

What a bizarre phrase to use! I would find it very disrespectful and insulting.

Is it a one-off or is it part of a pattern of shitty behaviour? I am really not sure I could come back from that one, and if DH ever tried it he could well find himself being shown the door. What you do though is up to you, as you have given little context here.

Certainly a grovelling apology is in order. Look out though for him trying to minimise it and wriggle out by saying he was joking. It wasn't and isn't a joke. It is not funny at all. It is extremely offensive and immature.

BobbiPinsOn · 13/09/2021 15:49

no

Blondiney · 13/09/2021 15:51

Has he been watching Goodfella's? Hmm

You should LTB for saying 'ass' instead of 'arse', assuming he's from the UK.

OrangeJuiceAndNoodles · 13/09/2021 15:53

Unless there was genuine malice in his voice, I think it sounds like he tried, and failed, to sound jokey-cool.

ElizaDarcysDeeds · 13/09/2021 15:54

Did he say it in an American gangster accent? Confused

girlmom21 · 13/09/2021 15:59

Who uses language like that if they're being serious? Hmm

cookingisoverrated · 13/09/2021 16:17

So not only is he not giving you ANY breaks at night with a baby (you must be beyond exhausted; I'm so sorry, OP), he verbally abused you when you addressed it calmly? And then stormed out when you addressed his abusive response?

I'd be asking him to stay away while you have a think about your relationship. I'd make it clear to him that his opting out of doing his share with the baby makes him unnecessary at home if he thinks your 'job' is 24/7 and his is office hours.

Original poster
gemmur · 13/09/2021 16:26

Sorry I am just getting a chance to reply but have been reading. He works full time Monday to Friday 9 am - 5.30 pm. I will be returning back to work full time after maternity leave and I also work Monday to Friday office hours. I would never expect him to get up during the week whilst he is working and I don't even ask at the weekend often. However this week he is on annual leave and I am desperate for a full night sleep, he doesn't think this is his 'job' though as he is out at work. My question to him is what will happen when I go back to work and he just says that the baby will be sleeping through the night by then (I bloody hope so).

He's not abusive in any way but he is very emotionally absent recently and can never, ever since I've known him apologise or admit when he is in the wrong. That is definitely his main character flaw!

OP posts:
Monestera · 13/09/2021 16:38

Give over. You would know that his behaviour is abusive and not a character flaw.

Porcupineintherough · 13/09/2021 16:41

Is your baby bottle fed? If so you should share the night dealings equally whilst he is on annual leave and once you are back at work. If breastfeeding then its trickier of course but he should be letting you lie in every weekend at the bare minimum.

Dont be afraid to tell him what you need. Sleep deprivation is cumulative and you are about at the point where you cant take any more.

AaalrightyThen · 13/09/2021 16:44

I would be far more annoyed about the lack of help than the comment to be honest.

TreesoftheField · 13/09/2021 16:47

It's an intimidating comment. He doesn't want you to challenge his behaviour and hes trying to stop you asking for help again.

DontBeAHaterDear · 13/09/2021 16:49

He's not abusive in any way but he is very emotionally absent recently and can never, ever since I've known him apologise or admit when he is in the wrong. That is definitely his main character flaw!

That’s a pretty big flaw imo. He needs to be offering up a grovelling apology to start with but that’s not going to happen as he won’t admit when he’s wrong. Question is, are you going to be happy in this relationship longterm with someone who is rude, stupid, doesn’t pull his weight and is too immature/selfish/stubborn to admit when they are wrong? It doesn’t sound like a happy time for you.

Mumoblue · 13/09/2021 16:54

Unfortunately some men wait until their partner has had a baby to start acting like monsters.

He needs to apologise, unprompted, and actually mean it. I’d be very concerned if he didn’t.

It’s definitely a red flag.

CanofCant · 13/09/2021 17:33

I would never expect him to get up during the week whilst he is working and I don't even ask at the weekend often.

You should expect more.

Topseyt · 13/09/2021 17:46

He's not abusive in any way but he is very emotionally absent recently and can never, ever since I've known him apologise or admit when he is in the wrong. That is definitely his main character flaw!

Abuse can take many forms though. Telling you to shut your filthy ass mouth was verbal abuse, and so far he seems to think it is OK.

flibberyjibbery8 · 13/09/2021 17:48

Emotionally absent and out of character aggressive language...hmm. I'd say there's something deeper going on. Depression, affair, work stress, debt, too much porn (maybe explains the weird phrasing).Something like that.

I couldn't be with someone who never apologises. My ex didn't get up in the night, used to tell lots of petty lies and would only apologise if I mentioned he hadn't apologised. I divorced him. Funnily enough he now does apologise.