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Original poster

How to tell him he's not invited?

64 replies

Charlene91 · 13/09/2021 05:48

Ok so this is a weird one. I'm so sorry if it upsets anyone.

I'm getting married and my father has gone and ahead and assumed he and his new family are invited. I'm not sure how to tell him he's not invited. Basically, my siblings hate him because he treated them horribly when they were young, he was quite abusive into them. I don't want him there mainly for their sake, if it wasn't for them I would probably invite him just to keep the peace.

My father is not a nice person at all. I know it sounds weird that I even have him in my life. I've wondered for years why I have him around when he treats me poorly, and the only conclusion I've come to is that he's the only one of my parents who shows me the slightest bit of love, so I keep him around for that reason. I know that sounds pathetic, please don't judge me.

Anyway, I don't want any drama. He got married a few years ago and didn't invite me because we had a minor disappointment and I'm wondering if I can tie that into my reason? I really don't know! How do I break it to him gently? I've asked my fiancé, but he hates my father with a passion and has basically told me to tell him to f*ck off, which really doesn't help with the no-drama rule.

Anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
FizzyDibdab · 13/09/2021 05:53

When is the wedding? Don't talk about it or give him any details of it and ask your other guests not to share either.

If he asks about the invitation then say you assumed he wouldn't want to be there as he he didn't invite you to his wedding either.

WTF475878237NC · 13/09/2021 05:58

In your shoes I wouldn't mention it unless you're on social media and he'll find out anyway. If that's the case I would tell him beforehand that you have decided not to invite him because it's really important your siblings feel comfortable on the day and that can't happen with him there. If he kicks off rather than quietly accepts it and shows humility in the face of
the reality he was abusive to his kids, then you really need to rethink continuing contact.

Shoxfordian · 13/09/2021 06:04

Why are you so worried about not causing drama to someone who isn’t that kind to you and isn’t a nice person? Think about whether you really want him in your life at all; counselling would help you in the longer run

DeathStare · 13/09/2021 06:06

I'd do the opposite - I'd tell him now. The longer this drags on the harder it will get.

Given everything you've said maybe you should have a think about whether you really want him still in your life - or if you aren't sure maybe use his reaction as your gauge.

I'd just say something like "I'm sorry but there has been a misunderstanding and you're not invited to the wedding. It would cause too much hurt to too many people. I know you'll understand given that you didn't invite to your wedding"

OneMoreStitch · 13/09/2021 06:08

He knows your siblings hate him or at least that there is discord? If so, tell him that you feel you can't invite him because it would create drama. Shouldn't come as much of a surprise.

Your partner shouldn't have to invite someone he hates to his wedding, either, but I'd probably not mention that to your father...

Original poster
Charlene91 · 13/09/2021 06:09

To be fair the wedding isn't for another year and 8 months. The reason I don't want to cause drama is more-so for my own sake because I can't handle it, I find it really upsetting and just want an easy life. It's not for his sake at all.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 13/09/2021 06:10

I’d just tell him. Dad- you seem to be assuming you’re invited to our wedding. You’re not invited, and it’s a strange thing to assume from the man who didn’t invite me to his wedding.

NewlyGranny · 13/09/2021 06:11

Don't share any details, and when he asks where his invitation is, tell him he'll find it with the one he sent you for his own wedding!

Original poster
Charlene91 · 13/09/2021 06:11

@OneMoreStitch

He knows your siblings hate him or at least that there is discord? If so, tell him that you feel you can't invite him because it would create drama. Shouldn't come as much of a surprise.

Your partner shouldn't have to invite someone he hates to his wedding, either, but I'd probably not mention that to your father...

He definitely knows how they feel about him. The issue is that he's delusional and thinks he's so charming that he could win anyone round.

You're absolutely right about the last part, of course. Neither of us should feel uncomfortable on our wedding day

OP posts:
Billandben444 · 13/09/2021 06:16

I'd tell him now as well so there's no misunderstanding. I wouldn't mention his wedding as that's a separate issue and would come over as tit for tat. Tell him the truth - get him on his own and say that you are not inviting him because your fiance doesn't want him there (it's his day as much as yours) and it would make your siblings uncomfortable. Say you're sorry if he's upset by this but it is what it is. Then leave it and if he mentions it again just say, nothing has changed and close it down.

GrandDesignHouse · 13/09/2021 06:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aprilx · 13/09/2021 06:35

To be honest that is a difficult situation to visualise and quite an unusual one. You have a relationship with your father to the extent that you want to “break it gently” but nevertheless don’t want him at your wedding. People that don’t want their parents at the wedding aren’t usually concerned with how they break it.

Flobbertybillop · 13/09/2021 06:39

You’ve said you don’t want any drama, and you want an easy life, but what you’re doing is causing yourself angst, by allowing this situation to continue.
You need to deal with it, otherwise it’s going to wind you up more and more.
He doesn’t sound very nice, and you’re worth more.

thetaleunfolds · 13/09/2021 07:15

How did he tell you that you weren’t invited to his wedding? Whatever that was, say it back

Porcupineintherough · 13/09/2021 07:18

Honestly OP there is going to be drama. Best get it over with. Just tell him.

Joystir59 · 13/09/2021 07:35

I think you've reached that point where you have to confront how he makes you feel, and remember you are no longer a child, gather your adult strength up and tell him, sooner rather than later, that he is not invited to your wedding. Keep it l short, simple, direct. I wouldn't explain your decision, or give him anything he can argue back against.

Joystir59 · 13/09/2021 07:37

I had a difficult father and my mum died when I was 20, So I understand exactly about clinging to the shreds of love and placating their feelings and avoiding confrontation.

ancientgran · 13/09/2021 07:40

I'm not sure how much of this is what you want and how much is appeasing your siblings. If you really don't want him there just tell him you aren't inviting him, if this is to appease your siblings then I think you need a frank talk with them, guests don't have to like all the other guests. Unless you are having a very small wedding they can avoid him.

Think about what you want.

SmokeyDevil · 13/09/2021 07:48

I would be blunt and tell him everyone hates him, so he is not invited. He will argue on whatever reason you give him, so have another minor disagreement and use that opportunity to block him. Even if you say to him 'you didn't invite me to yours', he won't care trust me. That's not going to be an excuse in his mind, he's selfish.

Zilla1 · 13/09/2021 07:53

The next time you speak to him, just say - "I knew you wouldn't want to attend after you didn't invite me to your wedding. It made invites easier concerning my siblings". The end.

Good luck.

0palescent · 13/09/2021 07:53

The sooner you tell him, the sooner you'll be past the anxiety of having to do it. Maybe in the long run, standing up for yourself around him will do you some good. If he strops off, I don't think it sounds like you'd be missing much from your life.

Zilla1 · 13/09/2021 07:54

That way it makes it seem like his choice but it won't change. If you are worrying then perhaps sooner rather than later.

MrsCremuel · 13/09/2021 08:01

Oh lord this sounds familiar. I didn’t invite my father because he would have made my mum so uncomfortable and basically is a complete c*nt and especially so in the run up to the wedding. It was only confirmed he wasn’t coming 3 months before, due to some particularly bad behaviour, and it was a stress that close to the wedding. Tell him now, get it out of the way and then enjoy the run up to your wedding. Weddings can be stressful at the best of times, I wouldn’t add to it with this hanging over you.

I am now practically estranged because of this so be prepared. Not being the centre of attention at your daughter’s wedding was particularly triggering it seems.

Sagaz · 13/09/2021 08:04

''I want my siblings there and no drama so I choose them', this is what feels right as you didn't invite me to yours'

MrsCremuel · 13/09/2021 08:05

Not so sure it’s hard to visualise. OP said he is the only parent who shows her any affection so I imagine he has played on that to keep ‘in’ with her all this time and kept her hanging on with the odd hint of affection and love.

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