Page 3 | How to tell him he's not invited?

Charlene91 · 2021-09-13T04:48:07+00:00

Ok so this is a weird one. I'm so sorry if it upsets anyone. I'm getting married and my father has gone and ahead and assumed he and his new family are invited. I'm not sure how to tell him he's not invited. Basically, my siblings hate him because he treated them horribly when they were young, he was quite abusive into them. I don't want him there mainly for their sake, if it wasn't for them I would probably invite him just to keep the peace. My father is not a nice person at all. I know it sounds weird that I even have him in my life. I've wondered for years why I have him around when he treats me poorly, and the only conclusion I've come to is that he's the only one of my parents who shows me the slightest bit of love, so I keep him around for that reason. I know that sounds pathetic, please don't judge me. Anyway, I don't want any drama. He got married a few years ago and didn't invite me because we had a minor disappointment and I'm wondering if I can tie that into my reason? I really don't know! How do I break it to him gently? I've asked my fiancé, but he hates my father with a passion and has basically told me to tell him to f*ck off, which really doesn't help with the no-drama rule. Anyone have any advice?

Original poster

Charlene91 · 13/09/2021 12:33

Thank you everyone so much for commenting! I really appreciate it.

I told him, and he said Ok, but that he feels he should take a step back from our relationship as I'm unable to let go of the past (in this instance, him being abusive toward my siblings). He still wants to be a part of my DCs life, but it'll have to be on a limited basis due to wanting to step back from our relationship.

I understand where he's coming from, it must hurt him. But at the same time, I could only let go of the past if he had changed, and he hasn't. He's still abusive and fake.

OP posts:

MultiStorey · 13/09/2021 12:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

timeisnotaline · 13/09/2021 12:56

It doesn’t hurt him, he’s just still being abusive. The appropriate response is if you can’t understand the reasons behind this and insist on thinking there’s one set of rules for you and one for the rest of us then stepping back would be best I think. I plan to have a fabulous wedding day.

Crazycrazylady · 13/09/2021 13:31

Honestly I wouldn't get into it with him,
I'd just say to him
"As you know siblings haven't forgiven you, than it wouldn't be fair on them to have you at the wedding"

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 13/09/2021 13:48

Personally I would question your own motives for allowing him any sort of relationship with your dc...
At your own admission he is still abusive.
You know how shit he makes you feel. Why sacrifice your dc up to that?

Beamur · 13/09/2021 13:53

Well done. Mine can be a lot like this, expresses that it's my fault that we can't have a better relationship because I won't forgive him. But actually, like you, even if I did 'forgive and forget' it might give me more peace with the situation, but unless he has changed (he hasn't) we're still locked in the same patterns. I find much more happiness in my life without him in it.

Sn0tnose · 13/09/2021 14:06

I told him, and he said Ok, but that he feels he should take a step back from our relationship as I'm unable to let go of the past (in this instance, him being abusive toward my siblings). He still wants to be a part of my DCs life, but it'll have to be on a limited basis due to wanting to step back from our relationship

I understand where he's coming from, it must hurt him. But at the same time, I could only let go of the past if he had changed, and he hasn't. He's still abusive and fake

I think you’re working on the basis that he would react like a nice, ordinary, decent person, instead of the abusive arsehole that he is. It hasn’t hurt his feelings. He doesn’t give a shit about being there to witness your special day. What he cares about is not being up front and centre. And now he’s punishing you by ‘taking a step back’. What he’s saying to you is ‘put me first and do exactly what I want or I will withdraw my love’. Non abusive parents don’t do this. I think he’s abused you as well as your siblings, maybe just in a different way. Well done for having the strength to say no. And don’t invite your mum either. Just surround yourself with the people you love, and who love you.

Sagaz · 13/09/2021 14:23

@Charlene91

Thank you everyone so much for commenting! I really appreciate it.

I told him, and he said Ok, but that he feels he should take a step back from our relationship as I'm unable to let go of the past (in this instance, him being abusive toward my siblings). He still wants to be a part of my DCs life, but it'll have to be on a limited basis due to wanting to step back from our relationship.

I understand where he's coming from, it must hurt him. But at the same time, I could only let go of the past if he had changed, and he hasn't. He's still abusive and fake.

''Thank you for stepping back, I appreciate that''.

I know how you feel. How can you just let go of the past when it's never been acknowledged, never been discussed, when you've never been given any explanation or indication that there's any remorse at all.

I have this with my own family

Joystir59 · 13/09/2021 14:24

Well done OP! Now leave him be, don't get into any discussion, you've done it- he isn't coming to your wedding and you can all have a fabulous time. Going forward you may wish to explore getting some therapy to help you understand the dynamics at play in your relationship with your father.

Joystir59 · 13/09/2021 14:25

I had a difficult dad- it never worked getting into any discussion about the past and his actions, it was painful and fruitless.

Silverstreaks · 13/09/2021 14:30

Your partner doesn't want him there so that's a good enough reason. Do it sooner rather than later so you don't have to fret over it.

TheFoundations · 13/09/2021 14:37

@Charlene91

Thank you everyone so much for commenting! I really appreciate it.

I told him, and he said Ok, but that he feels he should take a step back from our relationship as I'm unable to let go of the past (in this instance, him being abusive toward my siblings). He still wants to be a part of my DCs life, but it'll have to be on a limited basis due to wanting to step back from our relationship.

I understand where he's coming from, it must hurt him. But at the same time, I could only let go of the past if he had changed, and he hasn't. He's still abusive and fake.

This is very manipulative of him. He's trying to hurt you back, or punish you.

It's good that you don't need him for anything. Your best response is a completely drama-free 'OK then.' and no further discussion.

Hattie765 · 13/09/2021 14:39

@Charlene91

Thank you everyone so much for commenting! I really appreciate it.

I told him, and he said Ok, but that he feels he should take a step back from our relationship as I'm unable to let go of the past (in this instance, him being abusive toward my siblings). He still wants to be a part of my DCs life, but it'll have to be on a limited basis due to wanting to step back from our relationship.

I understand where he's coming from, it must hurt him. But at the same time, I could only let go of the past if he had changed, and he hasn't. He's still abusive and fake.

Oh let the wanker step back hon. It's a struggle but eventually you'll be able to do what needs to be done and cut him off. It's hard though but one day you'll look back and wonder why you didn't invite him sooner. I didn't invite my dad to my wedding (he was still kind of in my life at the time) I just didn't mention it, he found out after the fact by Facebook and never mentioned it.

SmokeyDevil · 13/09/2021 15:17

Aw poor man, you're unable to get over him being abusive towards his own children, must be heart breaking for him.

What a knob. He doesn't care about your feelings at all op.