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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to tell him he's not invited?

64 replies

Charlene91 · 13/09/2021 05:48

Ok so this is a weird one. I'm so sorry if it upsets anyone.

I'm getting married and my father has gone and ahead and assumed he and his new family are invited. I'm not sure how to tell him he's not invited. Basically, my siblings hate him because he treated them horribly when they were young, he was quite abusive into them. I don't want him there mainly for their sake, if it wasn't for them I would probably invite him just to keep the peace.

My father is not a nice person at all. I know it sounds weird that I even have him in my life. I've wondered for years why I have him around when he treats me poorly, and the only conclusion I've come to is that he's the only one of my parents who shows me the slightest bit of love, so I keep him around for that reason. I know that sounds pathetic, please don't judge me.

Anyway, I don't want any drama. He got married a few years ago and didn't invite me because we had a minor disappointment and I'm wondering if I can tie that into my reason? I really don't know! How do I break it to him gently? I've asked my fiancé, but he hates my father with a passion and has basically told me to tell him to f*ck off, which really doesn't help with the no-drama rule.

Anyone have any advice?

OP posts:

MrsCremuel · 13/09/2021 08:06

Above post was supposed to reply to @Aprilx!

Backtomyoldname · 13/09/2021 08:13

Did any of your siblings get invited to his wedding?

As it’s 20 months away I’d quietly put this on the back burner for at least 15 of those months.

You may well find the problem sorts itself out without any stressful intervention on your part.

Does he have access to social media/hear from other friends/relations?

Perhaps go NC about any wedding details?

But if/when he questions invitations then that’s your chance to bring your thoughts/intentions into the open.

You could mention the potential atmosphere there, that he doesn’t seem to believe in family celebrations ie he didn’t invite you to his. That it’s your day etc.

Does he want to give you away?

HollowTalk · 13/09/2021 08:15

To be fair to your dad, if you told him you were getting married and didn't tell him immediately that he wasn't invited, then I can understand why he assumed he would be. I'm not sure why you told him so far in advance. Were you expecting to talk to him about planning your wedding when he wasn't invited?

Hopdathelf · 13/09/2021 08:24

I was in a similar situation and left it to the last minute trying to find a way to do it with minimal upset all round. In the end there was no way and I just capitulated and let my father attend. He made it a very unpleasant day for a lot of people and still tries to make certain things about the day all about him. I strongly recommend you bite the bullet and be clear with him ASAP.

Eralos · 13/09/2021 08:31

Your fiancé is your family now. Don’t keep an abusive father around for scraps of love. Just concentrate on your new family.

5foot5 · 13/09/2021 08:39

Curious to know if your Mum is still alive and, if so, whether she is coming to the wedding. I ask because you said

he's the only one of my parents who shows me the slightest bit of love, so I keep him around for that reason

Original poster

Charlene91 · 13/09/2021 08:44

OK, so my father is not the father of the siblings I referred to, they're my half siblings and have a different father (they're all older then me, and my father was their step-father before I came along).

My only full sibling was invited to his wedding, he was best man.

My mother is still alive but makes absolutely no effort with me or some of my other siblings. I'm very on the fence about whether or not to invite her as she's harmless, but not sure she deserves to be there when she makes no effort with me or DC.

OP posts:

Ikeptgoing · 13/09/2021 08:48

@timeisnotaline

I’d just tell him. Dad- you seem to be assuming you’re invited to our wedding. You’re not invited, and it’s a strange thing to assume from the man who didn’t invite me to his wedding.

This ^^

And a 'I don't want to discuss it Dad." Just eve the call of leave if he talks about it

Original poster

Charlene91 · 13/09/2021 08:49

@thetaleunfolds

How did he tell you that you weren’t invited to his wedding? Whatever that was, say it back

Basically, him and ex step dad despise eachother. I put a photo of my ex step dad on FB because he was at mine visiting and it was a funny photo. I didn't think anything of it until my father commented on the photo being rude. The two of them had an argument in the comments before I seen the comments and deleted it.

My father then texted me privately saying I should have stood up for him, and I told him I wasn't getting involved. So he uninvited me to his wedding.

OP posts:

mellicauli · 13/09/2021 08:51

What about this:
"In the interests of family harmony, I have decided it would be best if you didn't come to the wedding. I appreciate this may be upsetting but as we weren't invited to your wedding, I assume you will understand. x and I are immovable on this point and won't enter into further discussions."

MrsScrubbithatescleaning · 13/09/2021 08:51

@Charlene91

To be fair the wedding isn't for another year and 8 months. The reason I don't want to cause drama is more-so for my own sake because I can't handle it, I find it really upsetting and just want an easy life. It's not for his sake at all.

But instead of being straight and telling your father how you really feel about him, you’re getting tied up in knots worrying about him and how everyone else will react to something that’s not going to happen for another 20 months!!

Worry for 20 long months! Surely that is the antithesis of ‘having an easy life’?

Bite the bullet, tell him he’s not invited to your wedding. You can explain it’s because he’s not a nice person and makes other people feel uncomfortable.

Then spend the next 19 months in therapy so that when the wedding comes around, you’ll feel calmly serene and look beautiful.

Billandben444 · 13/09/2021 08:51

Your fiancé doesn't want him there - just tell him that!

BoredZelda · 13/09/2021 09:07

As it’s 20 months away I’d quietly put this on the back burner for at least 15 of those months.

Then have to deal with it in the run up to the wedding adding more stress? Not a chance. Do it now.

Pinklioness · 13/09/2021 09:12

@Flobbertybillop

You’ve said you don’t want any drama, and you want an easy life, but what you’re doing is causing yourself angst, by allowing this situation to continue. You need to deal with it, otherwise it’s going to wind you up more and more. He doesn’t sound very nice, and you’re worth more.

Absolutely this. You'll increase your anxiety in the long run.

Just tell him. He didn't worry about telling you you weren't invited to his.

TatianaBis · 13/09/2021 09:12

Agree it needs to be done now. Conflict avoidance is not a good way to live your life, sometimes you need to be able to stick up for yourself.

This suggestion from pp is ideal:

I'd just say something like "I'm sorry but there has been a misunderstanding and you're not invited to the wedding. It would cause too much hurt to too many people. I know you'll understand given that you didn't invite me to your wedding"

viques · 13/09/2021 09:19

As you have got a while to go before the wedding you need to tell him ASAP, otherwise not saying anything will be hanging round your neck like an albatross. It’s not going to be an easy conversation, but once done it is done and you can move on and relax.

*Dad, there is no easy way to say this, but you need to know because there seems to be a misunderstanding on your part. Fiance and I have been talking about the guest list for the wedding and we have decided that we would not feel comfortable with you and DW as guests either at the ceremony or at the reception. We want to celebrate our wedding in a relaxed and supportive environment and previous experience tells us that if you are guests this will not happen . I know this will be upsetting news for you, but I believe that on reflection you will understand why and accept our decision.

OP and Fiancé.*

bellabasset · 13/09/2021 09:22

I think tell him that you are having a small wedding and are limiting numbers so you won't be able to invite him and his current family and add it shouldn't be a surprise to him as you weren't invited to his wedding either.

Easy for me to say though but perhaps not so easy for you to do.

whynotwhatknot · 13/09/2021 09:36

im dreading this but with my dsis wedding, our other dsis is no contact with our,father but theyre both invited and she says they'll have to get on with it. it will be small as well so no chance of avoiding each other. you're father doesn't sound very nice

Sittingonabench · 13/09/2021 09:46

Blame it on numbers. Say you have already over subscribed on numbers of people invite. Either that or the truth - that you are happy with your level of contact as it is and that you would like a harmonious wedding day which means not all family can be invited. Sorry you’re in this - it’s hard to let people down but it is the right thing - I can’t see how drama and conflict on several fronts would be avoided with him there.

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 13/09/2021 10:15

My mil also wrongly assumed she was invited... Dh went round and told her firmly given that she wasn't part of our lives (her choice she backed away when our ds was born after a tantrum - her not ds) he didn't feel it appropriate to have her attend our big day.
She put on the fake tears but he just left it at that and came home.
Speak to you df alone. Spell it out then leave. No opportunity to allow it to turn into an argument then.
Same for your dm imo.

Neither of my dps came to any of my weddings!!

charmingthebirds · 13/09/2021 10:41

This has understandably made you very anxious. Rather than remain in this state for the next twenty months, it might be better for you to deal with this now.

mellicauli's advice seems to cover the main points very well, and after it you could just repeat 'we said we are not discussing this further' if you still want to be in contact with him.

This is your wedding, and you are in charge, after all.

Beamur · 13/09/2021 10:48

You have my sympathies.
I didn't want my Dad at my wedding either. I did invite him to the post wedding part but he was mightily miffed at being excluded from the service.
Tried every trick in his repertoire to try and wheedle his way in but I was firm. No half truths no soft answers. It was a small space and we had limited numbers and had invited the people we wanted to be there. End of. He came to the party but sulked a lot.

JacquelineCarlyle · 13/09/2021 10:54

@mellicauli

What about this: "In the interests of family harmony, I have decided it would be best if you didn't come to the wedding. I appreciate this may be upsetting but as we weren't invited to your wedding, I assume you will understand. x and I are immovable on this point and won't enter into further discussions."

I think this is perfect! Good luck Op as he sounds like a deeply unpleasant person. Hope you have a fantastic wedding!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/09/2021 10:56

This is good.

You should definitely tell him and don’t mince words.

I’d probably block him too especially if he kicks off.

RantyAunty · 13/09/2021 11:59

Just tell him he's not invited.

How did he find out you were getting married?

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