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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you say this family member was a predator, or just a bit creepy?

56 replies

Stormwhale · 12/09/2021 08:05

I dont want to go into the reasons of why I am asking this too much as it would disclose too much of someone else's story, but I wondered if you could help me get some understanding of my own experience with a family member growing up.

A male family member of mine made me feel uncomfortable growing up. He was always the fun one, being goofy, lots of tickling, wrestling, winding the kids up, very hands on. As I reached my teens though, things changed a bit and it was more smacking my bum, commenting on my appearance, telling me I was gorgeous, general comments on my changing body. I'm particular he would make comments about my thighs, as I would go on the back of his motor bike and he would squeeze my thighs and say how it felt so good to have my thighs squeezed around him. I would have been about 13 or 14.

I cant help but wonder if this was how he treated me in reasonably public situations, what was happening behind closed doors? He has two daughters, similar aged to me. Both are not well mentally now as adults.

The thing is though, my whole family, including my parents think he is great, noone has ever commented on his behaviour, and I think there would be an uproar if I ever brought it up.

What would you think about it? Aibu to be concerned that actually he might have done more to others?

OP posts:
OrangeTortoise · 12/09/2021 08:10

It really is impossible to tell OP. It could be that he was creepy and inappropriate, or it could be something far worse. His daughters' mental health problems don't prove anything. Maybe you could say out loud how inappropriate his behaviour was to you as a teen and see if anyone else agrees?

Immunetypegoblin · 12/09/2021 08:10

You are not unreasonable to still be thinking about those experiences OP. They are NOT in the realms of normal or acceptable behaviour from a relative. Esp when you got to teen years Sad

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 12/09/2021 08:10

It’s difficult to know without speculating. But if you felt uncomfortable, that is a problem in itself. It sounds like he kept it light so it would be difficult to complain.

CassandraTrotter · 12/09/2021 08:12

I believe creepy was a way of describing a predator before we had the language for what it actually was.

Tickling is the big clue.

FrancescaContini · 12/09/2021 08:13

Oh he was predatory all right. No doubt about it. I’m really sorry to hear what you experienced as a child and a young woman. I dread to think what his daughters may have endured.

Original poster
Stormwhale · 12/09/2021 08:16

The reason it is on my mind, without going into too much detail is that one of the daughters therapists strongly feels that something has happened that she is repressing. I won't go into any more detail on their health or history, but it has made me question it all.

OP posts:
KaptainKaveman · 12/09/2021 08:18

He sounds like an absolute pervert, frankly. Sad.

Macncheeseballs · 12/09/2021 08:31

His comment about your thighs was not 'keeping it light', gross

Original poster
Stormwhale · 12/09/2021 08:34

I dont feel traumatised by it, I just found it weird. Every now again it comes into my mind and I think that it wasn't appropriate, but I don't feel damaged by it. Just confused as in every other way, he seems like a stand up guy. His daughters have a very strained relationship with him though, and his wife divorced him when the girls were teens.

OP posts:
gunnersgold · 12/09/2021 08:39

I had an uncle like this , he told me at 19 he'd like to rape me ...that made me realise all the tickling and 'fun' was in fact creepy as fuck .l I never saw him again and luckily he died not long after .. good riddance to him! Stay clear !

EllieNBeeb · 12/09/2021 08:41

Definitely a predator and not appropriate-telling you he liked your thighs squeezing around him? Squeezing your thighs? That's awful and I'm sorry you had to go through that. I'm sorry sorry people here are saying that behaviour might be innocuous, there it's no way it is! Sickening.

Galaxyinmypocket · 12/09/2021 08:42

Complete pervert is how I would view him

trunumber · 12/09/2021 08:42

It's odd for a therapist to suggest openly that a client is repressing something. That's not standard practice

(But yes, he's a predator and also creepy as fuck)

KihoBebiluPute · 12/09/2021 08:48

It's quite unusual for any third person to know what someone else's therapist thinks about them. A good therapist may not always fully share their opinion with the client themselves if it's not in their client's best interests, let alone telling their cousin. So that does sound quite odd. Or did the therapist say this to your cousin who has since told you this is what her therapist thinks?

It wouldn't be unreasonable to say to the daughters that you have memories of some rather creepy inappropriate behaviour from their dad when you were in teenage years and whilst it never went far enough to be abusive to you personally in your opinion, you would certainly back them up and support them if there's anything they feel they need to reveal about their own experiences.

SmokyLittleBeefBath · 12/09/2021 08:48

gunnersgold

I had an uncle like this , he told me at 19 he'd like to rape me ...that made me realise all the tickling and 'fun' was in fact creepy as fuck .l I never saw him again and luckily he died not long after .. good riddance to him! Stay clear

That's awful! Shock did you tell anyone about what he said? Flowers

Disfordarkchocolate · 12/09/2021 08:50

Predatory not just creepy.

Original poster
Stormwhale · 12/09/2021 08:52

I was told the information about the therapist by another family member. I can only assume that the daughter has told them. I used to be close with the daughter, but I have been really unwell for the last year and we haven't seen each other. I'm feeling guilty and like I should have been there for her. I dont think the family member should have told me the details about the therapist, but I think they are genuinely concerned for her.

OP posts:
trunumber · 12/09/2021 08:54

But honestly it's very unusual for a therapist to openly talk about thinking a client has repressed something even to the client. It's not good practice. Are you in the UK? Has someone checked this therapist is credible ?

Original poster
Stormwhale · 12/09/2021 08:55

gunnersgold - jesus I am so sorry.

OP posts:
felulageller · 12/09/2021 09:04

What you have described is grooming.

There are so many child sex abusers out there and they all seem like normal guys from the outside.

I'd be so worried if he had access to any children.

Original poster
Stormwhale · 12/09/2021 09:07

Yes in the UK. I dont know enough about the therapist to say.

I just spoke to my husband about it and he said that it doesn't surprise him at all. He apparently was really shocked by something this man said at a family event. Our daughter was a toddler at the time and accidentally did something that would be viewed as sexual if done by an adult. This man said "ooh yes, teach them young". It made my husband really uncomfortable, but everyone else laughed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stormwhale · 12/09/2021 09:07

His best friend has a young daughter.

OP posts:
Recessed · 12/09/2021 09:12

A grooming predator. Even if he never acted on it further than the tickling and the creepy thigh perving he's definitely thought about it. Vile and there's many many men like him. Do you see him now? Is he still a creep?

Some will be this way with other girls/women but wouldn't abuse their own daughters so he hasn't necessarily done anything sinister to your family members but of course it's possible. Even if he hasn't his behaviour with others would have made his DC uncomfortable and he undoubtedly has other misogynistic behaviours that would cause them to distance themselves from him.

LynetteScavo · 12/09/2021 09:15

I would keep my children as far away as possible from
him. If i had to be at a family gathering with him I'd make sure I was with my children at all times so there was no possibility of him being near them. I would also tell people with children that I keep
my children away from him, without saying any more.

That's just how I would handle it, I'm not saying it's the right way to do things.

I had a similar situation. When my oldest DC were old enough to understand I told them, and said their younger sister was never to go near him. It wasn't a nice thing for my older DC to know, but I felt I had to do my upmost to protect DD.

VictoriaBun · 12/09/2021 09:19

I had an uncle a bit like that. He would pull me on his lap and tickle me and not let go . I was about 8/9 . To get away I used to say I needed the loo , and he'd let me go. I guess he got wise to it , and carried on doing it , so I pissed on him. Funnily it never happened again.