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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you say this family member was a predator, or just a bit creepy?

56 replies

Stormwhale · 12/09/2021 08:05

I dont want to go into the reasons of why I am asking this too much as it would disclose too much of someone else's story, but I wondered if you could help me get some understanding of my own experience with a family member growing up.

A male family member of mine made me feel uncomfortable growing up. He was always the fun one, being goofy, lots of tickling, wrestling, winding the kids up, very hands on. As I reached my teens though, things changed a bit and it was more smacking my bum, commenting on my appearance, telling me I was gorgeous, general comments on my changing body. I'm particular he would make comments about my thighs, as I would go on the back of his motor bike and he would squeeze my thighs and say how it felt so good to have my thighs squeezed around him. I would have been about 13 or 14.

I cant help but wonder if this was how he treated me in reasonably public situations, what was happening behind closed doors? He has two daughters, similar aged to me. Both are not well mentally now as adults.

The thing is though, my whole family, including my parents think he is great, noone has ever commented on his behaviour, and I think there would be an uproar if I ever brought it up.

What would you think about it? Aibu to be concerned that actually he might have done more to others?

OP posts:

FrancescaContini · 12/09/2021 09:21

@Stormwhale

Yes in the UK. I dont know enough about the therapist to say.

I just spoke to my husband about it and he said that it doesn't surprise him at all. He apparently was really shocked by something this man said at a family event. Our daughter was a toddler at the time and accidentally did something that would be viewed as sexual if done by an adult. This man said "ooh yes, teach them young". It made my husband really uncomfortable, but everyone else laughed.

I hadn’t picked up on the fact that this predator is still around in your family, and you still have to come into contact.

I would never ever attend an event if he were there, this is what I would do to keep my daughter away from him. I wouldn’t even want him to look in her direction.

And your husband should have challenged what he said. The comment about “teaching them young” is sickening. Those family members who laughed are just enabling this predator.

milkyaqua · 12/09/2021 09:25

Just confused as in every other way, he seems like a stand up guy.

Most of the ones I've met organise a good social front. Helps allay suspicion, I guess.

RedHelenB · 12/09/2021 09:26

@CassandraTrotter

I believe creepy was a way of describing a predator before we had the language for what it actually was.

Tickling is the big clue.

My uncle tickled me I tickled my kids. Absolutely nothing sexual. Squeezing a 14 year olds thighs and calling them sexy on the other hand, no yanbu.

SeaHollyDaiz · 12/09/2021 09:28

Jeez, hiding in plain sight I'd say. Trust your gut about him. And keep kids and teens away from him

Theimpossiblegirl · 12/09/2021 09:31

Not all tickling is abuse, but it is often an early sign of grooming.

Op, I would not be letting my daughters near him. It's shocking that the family seen to think he's ok.
But maybe there are other individuals having the same feelings as you. Maybe they are also pondering his behaviour bit think that they are the only one. It's time to speak out. It will take strength but you know he can't be allowed free access to the children in your family anymore.

gunnersgold · 12/09/2021 09:37

@SmokyLittleBeefBath I told my Mum who didn't take it seriously.. it was the tone and words he used that chilled me . I told her to never let my future children near him but luckily he died.. he was always tickling and 'touching' me as a child and ramped it up when I hit puberty . I also 'laughed' it off as everyone loved him but I think It was a close call!

Original poster

Stormwhale · 12/09/2021 09:38

I very rarely see him anymore, I think the last time was about 2 years ago. He lives quite far away now. He would never have unsupervised access to my children.

OP posts:

gunnersgold · 12/09/2021 09:40

I just know my husband would never tickle someone else's kids .. it's just weird isn't it how it was accepted then . Now consent is so important. What scares me more is these men won't have disappeared but as it's less acceptable now they can't get away with it .. Watching the Jimmy saville programme on discovery about thr people that knew was an eye opener ! So many men doing it , makes me wonder how many have these urges still! Scary stuff !

Bluntness100 · 12/09/2021 09:41

Yes he seems a creepy guy although it does seem he never did anything physical to you

I really don’t think you can then assume or guess if he is an incestuous paedo though whi sexually abused his own children,

Wole · 12/09/2021 09:44

Yes doesn't sound right.
I don't think your family member should be gossiping about another's therapy though.

Antinerak · 12/09/2021 09:44

I'm sorry you've gone through this, even if it's not seriously affecting you now. It does sound like he is a predator. 'Creepy' to me would be making some inappropriate comments that were easily brushed off, but the things he said about and to you as well as how he touched you suggests something more sinister.

Although his daughter's therapist's comments could be unrelated, there is a chance he did something to her too. Even if it was 'only' comments she could be repressing them and therefore causing further mental health issues.

His wife divorcing him could also be linked to what happened. Of course it's just speculation but it seems odd to have that many coincidences tied to one person who you know was inappropriate.

Do you think you could ever tell someone about what happened to you- his daughter maybe?

Original poster

Stormwhale · 12/09/2021 09:45

Gunners I know you shouldn't speak I'll of the dead, but my god he sounds like a monster. I will never understand parents who don't believe their child in this situation. Unfortunately I know far too many people who have been abused, so the only people who have unsupervised access to my dc are my own parents who I know are not a threat to them.

OP posts:

Original poster

Stormwhale · 12/09/2021 09:48

Antinerak- this is what i am trying to work out. If it would be the right thing to do to speak to her about it, or if that would be wildly inappropriate and cause her more distress.

OP posts:

Original poster

Stormwhale · 12/09/2021 09:50

How the hell would you even bring that up with someone?

OP posts:

SmileyClare · 12/09/2021 09:52

He seems creepy although he never did anything physically to you

Hmm when she was a teen he squeezed ops thighs and said how good it felt, smacked her bottom regularly and commented on her changing body. I think that's physical. And totally inappropriate.

Op do you think it would be helpful to speak about this to his daughter? You could keep to the facts; your dad used to touch me sometimes and make comments about my body, did he do that to you and your sister as kids? It might help her to realise that someone else has had this experience (if she is in denial).

SmileyClare · 12/09/2021 09:54

Sorry cross post, but yes I think you should consider speaking to his daughters about this. You say you've had a good friendship with them?

Bluntness100 · 12/09/2021 09:56

@SmileyClare

Yes I see your point. What I’m saying though is it’s a leap she can’t make to say he abused his own kids,

gunnersgold · 12/09/2021 10:17

@Stormwhale I don't know what he was capable of .. I don't recall him ever touching me any worse than the tickling etc but he definitely was creepy and clearly that day at the party he finally let out what he was thinking about for a while ..

Original poster

Stormwhale · 12/09/2021 10:18

We were really close, but have definitely drifted apart in the last 2 years, and I havent seen her at all for at least a year now. I think I will meet up with her, and then judge it in the situation whether it feels right to talk about. I could generally ask how things are with her dad as it is something we would speak about a lot. I am the only person on my side of the family that doesn't think the sun shines out of his arse and she was very grateful for that. She loves our family, but has found it very hard when she has felt very angry at him and felt she couldn't say anything to the other family members.

The other option I'm considering is her mum. I could speak to her and broach the subject without it affecting the daughter?

OP posts:

bettytaghetti · 12/09/2021 10:19

The relative that told you what the therapist said, have you told them what happened to you? Would this relative then be in a position to discuss it with the daughter to see if that might be a way for her to open up if she realises she's not the only one? And that by talking about it, it might prevent him doing it to anyone else?

billy1966 · 12/09/2021 10:26

I would think any man who verbalised sexualised comments about a child, were absolutely waving a big flag of perversion to ME.

I don't believe that is normal conversation and advertises their thoughts.

The word creepy is exactly how I would have described my neighbour.

He was a pillar of the community in his very senior naval officer uniform and very full of himself.

There was just something about him and the way he looked at me that was off.

One day I passed him and his daughter walking to church holding hands, we were both about 15.
My face showed my surprise/distaste and I remember her flushed face.

I told my friends later that day what I saw and that he gave me the creeps and the all concurred.

I absolutely would think a man capable of sleazy, sexualised comments about a child, or a young teen, was likely capable of sexually abusing a child.

It would certainly indicate to me that they looked at children in a sexualised manner.

I definitely have a memory of a couple of men giving me shivers, not knowing why, but definitely not wanting to be near them.

I gave them a wide berth easily.
Thank goodness with the exception of an elderly distant religious relative that once kissed me full on the lips upon greeting me, I was relatively unscathed.
I do remember giving my mother a WTF look after that kiss🤮.

OP, would you consider contacting your cousin?

Od130990 · 12/09/2021 10:27

He sounds like a dirty horrible creepy grooming predator!
When he said about teaching them young I would of lost my shit & went for the dirty bastard & every single adult who laughed. If I was you op I would call him out on it all, I'd let him know how uncomfortable & inappropriate his behaviour has been throughout the years & let him know to keep away from you & you DC

rejectedcarrit · 12/09/2021 10:28

I think if you can face it you should be more open about your perception of his behaviour when you were younger. As far as everyone else is concerned he's the fun uncle. Just a few comments from you to your close family that on reflection he was creepy and inappropriate when you were young and you wouldn't have him near your kids might help someone - maybe making them think twice about supervising some kids for example.

SmileyClare · 12/09/2021 19:53

@Stormwhale

The other option I'm considering is her mum. I could speak to her and broach the subject without it affecting the daughter?

I think that's a good approach Op. I don't think you need to "drop a bombshell" on her as such but getting back in touch and approaching the conversation cautiously; sort of steering it towards your own experience if she appears willing to talk about her father, sounds like the right thing to do?

Theworldishard · 14/09/2021 19:45

I had an uncle who would take us to the bottom.of the garden and lift me and tickle me, his hands felt like they were everywhere..I was seven. I will never know if it was 'wrong'..

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