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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Horrible man in pub

75 replies

NotTodayPleaze · 11/09/2021 20:37

Aibu to think some men get a kick out of talking down to women who have had a drink or two?

Was our the other day with some friends. Mildly drunk (prob 3-4 large glasses rose). Group of men started chatting to us and one of them seemed to be at great pains to get into an argument with me. Goading, taking every innocent thing I said the wrong way (example- I said I didn’t normally come here, his reply “oh not good enough for you”, I didn’t understand something he said, and he mimicked me in a faux posh voice “oh excuse me commoner, but I don’t understand your accent, I’m far too posh”). For what it’s worth, I’m not at all.

I got really flustered. I’m pretty awkward at the best of times! There was something really cruel about it. Like he enjoyed the power trip, knowing my guard was down due to having some wine. Or that he somehow thought I wasn’t worthy of respect because i was tipsy and wanted me to be ashamed/embarrassed of myself or something.

It has made me feel really horrible and shaken for a few days now. I know that might seem a bit dramatic. It’s not the first encounter of this kind I have had with men. Can anyone tell me, is it a thing?

OP posts:
SW1amp · 11/09/2021 20:39

It’s called ‘negging’, isn’t it?
Putting you down as a form of flirting although it’s probably more just weeding out insecure women who respond to it and can then be controlled and abused in any subsequent relationship

healmebaby · 11/09/2021 20:42

negging. cunt

Original poster
NotTodayPleaze · 11/09/2021 20:45

Googling negging. It made me feel really dirty. I don’t think he was flirting with me though, it wasn’t that sort of chat and he said he had kids.

OP posts:
TunnelOfGoats · 11/09/2021 20:46

Pubs by their very nature attract weirdo's and the dregs of society OP. I used to own one. Try not to give it too much thought, and just try a nicer pub for any subsequent get togethers

Original poster
NotTodayPleaze · 11/09/2021 20:48

(Not that having kids means people don’t flirt, i just mean it wasn’t that type of conversation. We established some things in common at the start of the convo eg his children are at a school where one of mine went)

OP posts:
aquashiv · 11/09/2021 20:48

Ignore they just want ammunition...or push him off his stool.

takealettermsjones · 11/09/2021 20:48

He's either negging you, which is a pathetic thing to do, or he's a common or garden dickhead. Neither option says anything about you. Try to put him out of your head. Flowers

SW1amp · 11/09/2021 20:49

Then it’s a twat of a bloke with a massive chip on his shoulder trying to make himself feel better by putting you down

I don’t necessarily think it’s anything to do with you being drunk, so much as being in a pub, where social barriers are down a bit to allow him to strike up conversation with strangers, plus his probably also having had a few

(4 large glasses of wine is nearly 1.5 bottles though - surely you’d have been more than ‘mildly drunk’ after that?!)

DamnUserName21 · 11/09/2021 20:49

Learn from it, OP.
Next time tell the belittling cunt to fuck off.

GeorgeMichaelBluth · 11/09/2021 20:49

Men like him enjoy making women look stupid because they don't like them and have an inferiority complex.

NiceGerbil · 11/09/2021 20:50

I can imagine the dynamic- men in pubs etc feel it's their right to talk to groups of women whether the women want them to or not.
And for loads of reasons women play nice about it.

You don't have to talk to them though.

He was being a total arsehole. So many blokes like that about. Invade your night out and start picking a fight/ winding you up.

Could you have eg gone bog and when back joined group away from him/ pulled up a chair other side of table etc? He's being really rude and aggressive to you. Wanting to upset you. So no need to worry about him getting the hump if you did that. And if he started. Well I wanted to talk to my friend for a bit etc.

Original poster
NotTodayPleaze · 11/09/2021 20:50

He was a normal, what you might call respectable-looking guy. Well dressed. Seemed smart. It all started off quite pleasant, but he made me feel so small. If I’d been sober I’d have walked away but he kept accusing me of being a snob, a Tory voter, too good for this place etc, that I just rose to the bait trying to justify myself

OP posts:
Monty27 · 11/09/2021 20:50

@TunnelOfGoats what all of them?
That's a bit of a sweeping comment isn't it?
OP he behaved appallingly. Don't give it another thought.

XenoBitch · 11/09/2021 20:50

I have experienced this a lot. Sometimes I can just walk away, and sometimes it does really get to me. One asshole brought me to tears, and went on to continue being a twat. No excuse for it at all.

MichelleScarn · 11/09/2021 20:51

Agree with the negging above. Its a weird thing I always remember reading the Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath and there's a bit where the protagonist goes out and there's a guy who does this. Its a tale as old as time

Original poster
NotTodayPleaze · 11/09/2021 20:52

@SW1amp yes it was a lot but over probably 3 hours if that makes it any better. And with some food. I was pretty hungover the next day, mind

OP posts:
Dontwatchfootball · 11/09/2021 20:59

Dont think it is just when women have had a drink. This passes for humour for some men. And it is completely twatish.

Original poster
NotTodayPleaze · 11/09/2021 21:04

Thank you for helping me frame the experience, feel quite pathetic to be in tears about it. I just seem to attract these type of people. Not sure why. maybe because I am friendly and appear a bit guileless/ditzy (I’m really not though) and look like an easy target.

OP posts:
DamnUserName21 · 11/09/2021 21:08

Try not to dwell on it.
Put it down to experience and if you counter such a dick again, be assertive and not engage. Remember-you don't have to justify yourself to some prick in the pub (or anyone really!)

DamnUserName21 · 11/09/2021 21:09

*Encounter

SW1amp · 11/09/2021 21:10

Don’t underestimate the ability of a hangover to make you feel a bit emotional, OP!

It’s as likely to be that making you feel weepy as the comments but either way, you’ve done nothing wrong

ChrissyPlummer · 11/09/2021 21:11

He sounds like an utter gobshite.

Hellotoallmyfans · 11/09/2021 21:12

Sounds like he was threatened by you in some way or probably fancied you. He's probably the kind of guy who didn't get any when he was younger and is now resentful of women and angry at them in general. The fact you didn't answer back suggests you are quite quiet or timid and he then used this against you to carry on bullying you, this giving him a pathetic power trip.

Next time say in a loud voice " fuck the fuck off harassing me before get the bouncers/manager to chuck you out". Don't be polite with men like this, they rely on the passivity of women. I'd bet anything he wouldn't dare antagonise a man like this, or a woman who was with her husband. Men like this are huge cowards.

2bazookas · 11/09/2021 21:14

You've had this problem encounters before so you need to think how to stay safe and avoid it happening again.

4 large glasses of wine is enough to impair mental capacity . You felt flustered and anxious and unsafe. That's alcohol affecting your brain and hormones.

If you're in a public place among strangers, getting drunk leaves you vulnerable to being targeted by arses; for the kind of ugly attention you got. And couldn't handle.

If you drink that  much, best do it  among  friends in  a safer place.
  
 When you're in a pub, alternate the wine with soft drinks . You can still have a good  time,  in fact a better time because you   won't feel at risk and  scared of getting hurt.
Iwant2move · 11/09/2021 21:17

Some men are just utter knobs (thankfully not all).