Horrible man in pub

[NotTodayPleaze]

Aibu to think some men get a kick out of talking down to women who have had a drink or two?

Was our the other day with some friends. Mildly drunk (prob 3-4 large glasses rose). Group of men started chatting to us and one of them seemed to be at great pains to get into an argument with me. Goading, taking every innocent thing I said the wrong way (example- I said I didn’t normally come here, his reply “oh not good enough for you”, I didn’t understand something he said, and he mimicked me in a faux posh voice “oh excuse me commoner, but I don’t understand your accent, I’m far too posh”). For what it’s worth, I’m not at all.

I got really flustered. I’m pretty awkward at the best of times! There was something really cruel about it. Like he enjoyed the power trip, knowing my guard was down due to having some wine. Or that he somehow thought I wasn’t worthy of respect because i was tipsy and wanted me to be ashamed/embarrassed of myself or something.

It has made me feel really horrible and shaken for a few days now. I know that might seem a bit dramatic. It’s not the first encounter of this kind I have had with men. Can anyone tell me, is it a thing?

My friend had someone in her loose friendship group who always made a beeline for her and homed in on her.
She got to be quite nervous of bumping into him.

@Lessthanaballpark

Honestly some men thrive on taking women down a peg or two. Add the chip on his shoulder about you being posh, and you have a nasty combination of inverted snobbery and misogyny.

Yeah, this.

Germaine knew what she was talking about, with this sort of man!

I’m sorry this happened to you, OP. He’s just an idiot, not worth worrying about. I’m glad you were with friends, as that kind of man can become dangerous if you are alone and seem vulnerable.

His (possibly ex) wife has pointed out his every flaw as a human and father and he's drowning his sorrows in booze and lashing out at any woman because he knows they'll see right through his shite. He probably thinks he's terribly chivalrous too.

No matter how much you have drunk it’s never okay for anyone to belittle and insult you. What were your friends saying or thinking? I have to say the best answer to someone like that is “are you meaning to be so rude- or does it come naturally to you?” This calls out the rudeness and re-asserts some power to yourself. In this case I think I’d have said “actually in some cases I think I’m right to feel better than other people- you are a prime example of when”. Or something. Cheeky fucker. Hope he didn’t spoil your night. 💪🏻

you couldve tried -"yep f#ck off commoner"-I wouldve been a little fruity,especially if id had4glasses😉plenty of same d#ickheads over here lurking in bars&clubs,you dont want the drink thats"so generously"proferred&cop the abuse lol..Mind you i have an incredibly thick skin&cant remember the last time I felt embarrassed or lost for words..ProperAussie me haha.

smiling, ‘so LOVELY talking to you!’, going to the loo and sitting somewhere else on return is a good start. Text your pal at the other side of the table from the loo to move a chair.
It is hard to be rude if you’re scared of the response I agree but if you are with friends and can turn your back/talk to the person on the other side of you that can work. Pretend your phone has rung. Or quietly asking one of their ‘friends’ to take them away before you call the duty manager/police/your jealous kickboxing DH..
I’ve found (fat person here) that agreeing with them with a straight face throws them too.
“Yes I am absolutely posh. Yes, you’re right, I do think I’m too good for the likes of you, it’s awful isn’t it. Yes I should be grateful for you speaking to me but yes I’m totally just a very unreasonable person, it’s been a failing all my life.” If they don’t get the rise they want they usually go away and say you’re a frigid fat bitch. Try not to be too devastated. 🙄

My DSiL once said ‘god I’m straight but for you I’d make an exception’ to a creepy man. The cheers from his friends…..

He sounds like one of those people who gets spiteful and nasty when they drink. I’ve met one or two. The worst thing is when they also love drinking and they don’t realise/care how bad their behaviour is.

@OnTheBoardwalk

From what I’ve read on MN you should smile and say 'stop negging random man' and walk off. really is the best thing i've read

Yes, the thread you mentioned was excellent. I’m rubbish at finding threads, but if someone could link to it, it covers a lot of this crap.

Exactly

If you go to a pub and get drunk and start chatting to randome men what do you expect???

Invite your friends to your house to avoid this and it's loads cheaper aswell

Ahh yes, what do women expect if they leave the house? We should all stay home and be good girls shouldn’t we? Hopefully we can go back to the days when women weren’t allowed in pubs soon. 🙄

Where was your friend? You all sat there while childfree Charlie insulted you?
Did none of them tell him to piss off?

Some men seem to treat pubs like a speed dating night, wandering around inflicting their presence upon tables of women. They never go sit with their bros.
Next time just say no thanks, agree you're a snob or whatever shite they come out with and suggest they go annoy another person.

My friends were there but it was noisy and busy.

All your comments have really helped, thank you. I need to work on my fuck off vibes clearly.

I think this kind of thing challenges us not to want to be "polite" and not to make a fuss.
I'm sure that's what makes some of 'em tick.
It's like verbal assault.

I think it's fair to assume he's an arse; the stuff he was saying to you was rude and ignorant and I don't care how drunk anyone was or if you talk like the Queen and were wearing an I Love Dominic Cummings T-shirt.

Did you and your friends actually have an interest in talking to random men, or did these guys just kind of butt into your group when you were trying to have a good time together? If you did want to meet people and you got the dud then I can see you were kind of stuck, but if not you may want to decide as a group to push back on this kind of thing, or develop a distress signal when one of you needs help repelling a creep.

My usual mode is either: pause silently for a moment after the rudeness, then get up, say "right, take care then" and walk away even if that means a fake trip to the ladies'. Or if I'm stuck there and bored, give it back to him with over-the-top sarcasm about his stupid assumptions. Or a pointed "you don't know the half of it." But I can see being blindsided by it and just not knowing how to react, and/or not wanting to risk setting him off.

You and your friends aren't some sort of public service to provide attention and conversation for sub-standard men. Cut them loose if you're not enjoying the conversation, and do it right away if you know you don't want ot chat with some randomer.

I don’t really know how we got chatting. Our table was near the bar and I think one of my friends might have vaguely known one of the men in the group and so they sort of hovered and chatted with us. It isn’t like they approached us randomly but neither did we invite it

These type of men are best ignored .

He was some knobhead you came across in the pub. It was him, not you.
Think yourself lucky that you weren't the poor unfortunate woman going home with him and having to put up with that shit every day

He's a fucking knobhead with issues and a massive chip on his shoulder. It's definitely him, not you. What a shame that he spoilt your evening and has caused you lingering upset. Some good strategies here though for the future.

It's really hard though.

On these threads the advice is often to give a putdown back, say I don't want to talk to you (go away) in a straightforward but not rude way, tell him to fuck off etc.

Is it just where I live that this is really rare and most men do not react well to it?

Those who have said back off/ you're being really obnoxious I don't want to talk to you/ fuck off etc not had any aggressive etc reaction?

The way men behave to an extent seems to depend on where you live.

I was polite but firm and iirc the majority of the time they got nasty in some way.

@FasterthanBolt

Fucking hell, the victim blaming on this thread is disgusting.

Isn’t it just! Stop going to the pub OP, it’s unbecoming, and limit yourself to one Babysham because it’s up to you to predict and stop his behaviour and if you can’t you should really stay at home. And don’t wear anything revealing, you’ve only yourself to blame if these men are sexual predators.

@2bazookas

You've had this problem encounters before so you need to think how to stay safe and avoid it happening again.

4 large glasses of wine is enough to impair mental capacity . You felt flustered and anxious and unsafe. That's alcohol affecting your brain and hormones.

If you're in a public place among strangers, getting drunk leaves you vulnerable to being targeted by arses; for the kind of ugly attention you got. And couldn't handle.

If you drink that  much, best do it  among  friends in  a safer place.
  
 When you're in a pub, alternate the wine with soft drinks . You can still have a good  time,  in fact a better time because you   won't feel at risk and  scared of getting hurt.</div></div>

This has got to be the most pathetic victim blaming post I've ever seen this forum.

It sounds like a horrible experience, OP, and the sting of an unjust accusation (eg that you think you’re better than something/one) can make you scramble to deny and justify yourself. Perhaps you can come up with some responses that feel more appropriate to you - anything from just walking away, to something like ‘you seem to be having most of this conversation in your head anyway, so I’m just going to leave you to it’, or whatever. Practice or repeat them, so that next time you’re out and need to get rid of a twat, even if you’re a bit tipsy and not as mentally sharp as normal, you’ve got some go-tos that you can use to swiftly end an unwanted conversation and get out of there.

He was probably drunk and thinking that he was funny but his undercurrent of anger was showing through. Having worked in sales in my 20s, I now have the hide of a rhino. Did you like him? No? Why do you care what he thinks of you? Do you think it was about what you said or all about him and you just happened to be on the receiving end? Some people act like idiots. Especially when drunk. Do you think he is sitting there regretting insulting you? If not, don’t give him a moment’s thought.

In future try some banter and laugh it off. Eg

Not good enough for you? “No, I heard you might be here. Then laugh.

Mocks your voice -“Oh how sweet- still imitating 1970s comedians” (roll eyes) etc

The key is to return fire fast and effectively. Hope you feel better soon.💐

Quite a few men really dislike women. These men walk amongst us and he was maybe one of them.

Nevertheless, no one has a right to insult strangers or anyone else with impunity. So you tell idiots like this that you do not wish to engage in conversation with them and they should leave you alone.

They might call you a snob etc. Provided they leave result! If they don’t you tell the bar staff you are being harassed and say you would like them to ask the man to leave.

(4 large glasses of wine is nearly 1.5 bottles though - surely you’d have been more than ‘mildly drunk’ after that?!)

What's that got to do with anything?