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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like throwing the towel in (re womens sports club)

64 replies

Fedupcyclist · 11/09/2021 18:42

I’m a keen cyclist & over the last couple of years I’ve been instrumental (along with a couple of other women) in getting a local women’s cycling group going.

I’ve devoted a lot of my free time (and as a working mum my free time is limited & precious) to planning & leading rides, dealing with group admin & offering support and advice to new cyclists.

I’ve had several women say how amazing joining the group has been for their physical & mental health & I’ve always been so proud of my contribution to the group.

I’ve seen from social media that today several of the key members of the group did an amazing looking long ride & basically I wasn’t invited.

We have a WhatsApp group we use to plan rides and there was no mention of this ride in there, so there’s obviously either another WhatsApp group I’m not on, or this ride was planned in some other way without me knowing Sad

Now obviously I’m aware it’s a free country and people can arrange rides outside the group, and indeed often a smaller group of two or three ladies might arrange an ad hoc ride without including the wider group and that’s totally fine. I just feel put out as today’s ride seemed to include all the key members of the group (ie, the “regulars”) except me and it just feels like a kick in the teeth given how much I have contributed to the group’s formation and development- I’m not merely a participant, I’ve been instrumental in setting up and running this group, giving up many hours of my time Sad

Also upset because I’m quite new to the area and I really thought i had “found my people” - but clearly not Sad

I can’t think of any logical reason for being excluded, other than they actually don’t really like me after all

Not sure what to do or say, just feeling utterly deflated tonight Sad

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 11/09/2021 18:49

Oh no I'm so sorry this sounds so shit 😞

ElspethFlashman · 11/09/2021 18:49

That's shit, OP.

I would keep going, though. It's obviously something you love.

But I would maybe be quieter on WA for a while.

Ozanj · 11/09/2021 18:51

Call it out.

Cornettoninja · 11/09/2021 18:52

Ouch.

I suppose the choice is to either accept and over look it to carry on with the benefits you get from it, distance yourself from the group or confront it head on and tell them how hurt you are and hope that it was unintentional and they’re sorry.

I wouldn’t make any rash decisions right now and give yourself a few days to mull it over.

On your behalf I will wish punctures on the lot of them though Wine

Fizzgigg · 11/09/2021 18:53

Is there any one woman you're friends enough with that you could ask about what happened and how it was planned?

Piggy42 · 11/09/2021 18:54

I’m sorry OP, it seems a mean thing to do.

Hercisback · 11/09/2021 18:54

This is shitty behaviour from them.

How many people was it? If say 5 out of a group of 20 then that's OK. But if over half then everyone should be invited.

If you have the mental energy, call them out on it. If not just leave the group quietly.

freelions · 11/09/2021 18:59

YANBU that would really upset me too

Are there any members who were present on today's ride who you would feel able to approach and enquire why you weren't invited?

babouchette · 11/09/2021 19:02

This really seems like such a weird anomaly, given everything you've said, that I wonder if something has happened - an email has gone astray or someone was meant to speak to you about it and forgot? I'd definitely ask them about it or it'll bug you forever. Don't give up the hobby you love though!

AuntieStella · 11/09/2021 19:02

Either it was an oversight, or they did not want you there.

And it might be worth finding out, because if it was a mistake, you'll go forward feeling more positive.

Is there someone you can ask about how it was planned - no complaints from you, perhaps just a comment that it's the sort of ride you'd have loved to have joined if only you knew it was happening

Kneesaregood · 11/09/2021 19:02

Could you bring it up with them - eg tell someone in the group that it looked like a nice ride that you'd like to have done, and see the reaction?
I just wonder whether what happened was planned in this way, or if it happened unintentionally. Eg if one or two people planned a ride together and then someone else heard and asked to tag along and it grew. Or if there was any other reason eg if they thought you weren't available, or if it was planned to be more leisurely than the usual group rides and you're perceived as a more 'serious' cyclist.

Just think it's worth finding out if you can, rather than assume it was malicious - as it would be very odd to be so, given how helpful you've been.

KatherineJaneway · 11/09/2021 19:03

You need to ask. Find the person who you are closest that went and ask why you were excluded.

KaycePollard · 11/09/2021 19:14

Oh @Fedupcyclist that's really tough. They are thoughtless Flowers

legoriakelne · 11/09/2021 19:25

I do think you need to calmly ask how it came about on the basis that you would have enjoyed it yourself, although I suspect if I were in your shoes I too would be reluctant to ask in case the answer was painful.

Hellocatshome · 11/09/2021 19:32

its almost always more likely to be a fuck up rather then a conspiracy.

NoSquirrels · 11/09/2021 19:37

Ah, that’s shit. I think there will be a non-sinister reason that is down to miscommunication or just a small 2-3 person ride growing at the last minute.

Ask someone you feel comfortable with - just a quick ‘Wow, I’d have loved to have come along, I’m feeling a bit jealous I wasn’t included, actually. Probably irrational but I thought I would check I haven’t somehow offended anyone?’

Mary46 · 11/09/2021 19:41

Op feel for you. Tennis is shocking for cliques I did admin for a while. Hope u ok. Did they all go from the group? But not nice.

lljkk · 11/09/2021 19:42

Confront them calmly & hear them out.
Allow that your exclusion may have been unintentional.

Are you noticeably slower or faster than the others?

EatSleepRantRepeat · 11/09/2021 19:42

When things like this happen it's so awkward, as it can be literally down to one person organising it and everyone else assuming you were invited but couldn't make it. It will feel really personal now, but they'd have to be really shitty people to all know you deliberately not been invited. Only you would know if that's something that's likely for them to do.

Polkadots2021 · 11/09/2021 19:49

Do you think everyone just assumed that someone had told you? I'd have assumed you knew if I was a participant in that ride event. It could have been an oversight?

sunflowerdaisies · 11/09/2021 19:50

I did something similar to someone once but thankfully realised in time. I copied and pasted all the email from a previous message - but they were all the people it was sent to and not the person who sent it, so they were missed on my invite - I would definitely ask and hope for an innocent human error somewhere. I would feel rubbish too.

Cornettoninja · 11/09/2021 19:55

@sunflowerdaisies

I did something similar to someone once but thankfully realised in time. I copied and pasted all the email from a previous message - but they were all the people it was sent to and not the person who sent it, so they were missed on my invite - I would definitely ask and hope for an innocent human error somewhere. I would feel rubbish too.
This sounds like a really plausible explanation (and like something I might do! Blush).

I do hope it transpires it was something like this for the OP too.

ShinyMe · 11/09/2021 19:55

The thing is, if you don't ask, you'll assume they don't want you, and you'll feel shit. If you DO ask, you'll get an answer. It may be a disappointing answer, but knowing will help. But it may be a good answer. I do think you need to ask and find out for sure, otherwise you'll never know but always assume the worst.

Original poster
Fedupcyclist · 11/09/2021 20:19

Ah thanks all.

The thing is, I can’t understand why it wouldn’t have been planned, or at least mentioned, on the WhatsApp group - unless it was deliberate.

There’s about 20 people in the group but 7 or 8 “core” members, ie those who ride regularly, and all the core group went today, except me

OP posts:
lljkk · 11/09/2021 20:20

They could be plotting your surprise birthday party...

Just ask & hear them out. Don't waste your emotional energy on this unless you know it's worth the effort.