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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like throwing the towel in (re womens sports club)

64 replies

Fedupcyclist · 11/09/2021 18:42

I’m a keen cyclist & over the last couple of years I’ve been instrumental (along with a couple of other women) in getting a local women’s cycling group going.

I’ve devoted a lot of my free time (and as a working mum my free time is limited & precious) to planning & leading rides, dealing with group admin & offering support and advice to new cyclists.

I’ve had several women say how amazing joining the group has been for their physical & mental health & I’ve always been so proud of my contribution to the group.

I’ve seen from social media that today several of the key members of the group did an amazing looking long ride & basically I wasn’t invited.

We have a WhatsApp group we use to plan rides and there was no mention of this ride in there, so there’s obviously either another WhatsApp group I’m not on, or this ride was planned in some other way without me knowing Sad

Now obviously I’m aware it’s a free country and people can arrange rides outside the group, and indeed often a smaller group of two or three ladies might arrange an ad hoc ride without including the wider group and that’s totally fine. I just feel put out as today’s ride seemed to include all the key members of the group (ie, the “regulars”) except me and it just feels like a kick in the teeth given how much I have contributed to the group’s formation and development- I’m not merely a participant, I’ve been instrumental in setting up and running this group, giving up many hours of my time Sad

Also upset because I’m quite new to the area and I really thought i had “found my people” - but clearly not Sad

I can’t think of any logical reason for being excluded, other than they actually don’t really like me after all

Not sure what to do or say, just feeling utterly deflated tonight Sad

OP posts:
Susannahmoody · 11/09/2021 20:25

Does sound like purposeful exclusion.

But at the same time, they can't be expected to invite everyone, all the time. Tough one.

Original poster
Fedupcyclist · 11/09/2021 20:25

In terms of speed I’m similar to the other “core” riders in the group. Maybe slightly faster but not significantly so & I'm always happy to go slower and wait.

I won’t give up cycling, it’s just made me think I might need to rethink how much of my time & energy I invest in other people. So in future I might be less willing to plan & lead rides or respond to queries about what bikes and kit to buy, routes etc

OP posts:
Hercisback · 11/09/2021 20:32

With the additional info, I'd say message. If you can message just one person, or just the people that went. I wouldn't drag the whole group of 20 into it.

HollowTalk · 11/09/2021 20:34

I would message the person I thought was the nicest and I would ask her to be straight with me. I'm so sorry, you must feel awful.

QueenBee52 · 11/09/2021 20:38

@Fedupcyclist

Ah thanks all.

The thing is, I can’t understand why it wouldn’t have been planned, or at least mentioned, on the WhatsApp group - unless it was deliberate.

There’s about 20 people in the group but 7 or 8 “core” members, ie those who ride regularly, and all the core group went today, except me

It was deliberate ...

you are being deliberately excluded...

now what do you want to do about it..

personally I would remove myself from the Whats app Group ... and cycle my own routes..

but Ive always cut off my nose to spite my face 🤣

workshy44 · 11/09/2021 20:40

The problem with being the organiser is you can often seem bossy by default and you are set you apart. I always see that role as the posioned chalice as people go from being grateful to irritated at lightening speed. I would ask the one you are closest too but it does sound like they have set up a mini group for the core and excluded you.

TrippingFlip · 11/09/2021 20:46

Hopefully it was a genuine mistake. I do find sometimes things just get lost in translation.

If it isn't then oh well. At least you'll know who your friends are or in this case aren't.

TheSpottedZebra · 11/09/2021 20:47

We're the riders ALL from your group, or could it be another group that has met, eg secondary school friends and that just happens to include a lot of your club ?

Original poster
Fedupcyclist · 11/09/2021 20:49

I think one of the reasons I’m so gutted is I don’t have many friends, and no local ones, so I was really pleased to have finally met a group I have something in common with Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Fedupcyclist · 11/09/2021 20:50

@TheSpottedZebra they were all from the group

OP posts:
minimilkmaestro · 11/09/2021 20:57

I'd probably post a comment on the social media saying it looks like a great ride and I'd love to have joined, if I'd known about it.

Crunchymum · 11/09/2021 21:03

Usually I'd say rise above it, but I think I'd need to know.

Is there any of them you feel closer to / more friendly with? I'd message them and just say you've seen the pictures and was there a reason you weren't invited?

FreeBritnee · 11/09/2021 21:08

Listen OP you still have friends from the group, nothing has changed except you feel upset and understandably are considering removing yourself because of the ride you weren’t included in. Personally I’d do the opposite and keep everything completely normal. Continue as you were, make no mention of this ride you were kept in the dark about and I’m convinced that over time you will make these people true friends.

It’s so easy to throw a hand grenade into situations and much more tricky to take a depth breath and be passive.

BlackTee40 · 11/09/2021 21:24

I'd say something about it in the whatsapp group and see what they say. But then I don't care if I upset people that mug me off.

beastlyslumber · 11/09/2021 21:43

I can understand why you're upset but there could be loads of reasons why you weren't invited. I wouldn't assume it's because people don't like you. If you enjoy the group and get on with the people then don't give up because of this. Maybe it might be worth saying to someone you feel friendly with, 'hey your ride the other day looked great, next time you do something like that I'd love to be invited.'

As you say, a lot of the members of the group have given you really positive feedback and you get on well with everyone. There's no reason to believe they've deliberately left you out to be cruel. I would keep going and enjoying it and trust that friendships and connections will strengthen over time.

GroggyLegs · 11/09/2021 21:50

Sad it's horrible to feel ostracised, especially when you've put so much care & effort to make something for other people & it feels like that's been for nothing.

Be brave - approach one of them, or you will ruminate on this & make it much worse than it is. There could be an explanation, but it is odd that it wasn't mentioned on the group.

Cherryana · 11/09/2021 21:57

I have read a lot of defensive comments to encourage you to confront blah blah blah.

I am going to say something a bit harsh. It was not that they were deliberately excluding you. They just didn’t think. Most people are not like you- looking to actively include people. Most people are thinking of themselves.

So someone would have suggested it to someone who suggested it to someone and there was no main organiser- not in the way you do it. And because people are selfish arses no one took a step back to think has anyone been forgotten.

Of course it’s shit because of everything you do but it’s not personal.

Secondly when you are in the position of ‘leader’ like you are - people (even intelligently, usually reasonable people) ‘other’ you. You become ‘the leader’ and not a person who puts enormous personal effort and sacrifice to make stuff happen. I don’t know why this disconnect happens - but I have observed it many times in different leadership roles.

BlackeyedSusan · 11/09/2021 21:58

The other lot who didn't go probably feel a bit shit about it too. This is where you may find true friends. Good luck.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 11/09/2021 22:07

I'd need to know, so I could get a better understanding of where I stood with the sports club re how much future energy to invest.
I'd message one person - hi, that ride looked great, I would have come if I'd known about it. How was it organised? and see how they respond.
You need more info to go on!
Similar has happened to me with my rowing club, I wasn't successful getting into the group I wanted to be with, just through availability initially then the momentum was gone.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 11/09/2021 22:11

But the great thing about sports clubs is that if the social side isn't going as hoped then you just focus on the sporty aspect and basically getting as good as you can be, enjoying it for that, and obv being much better/stronger/faster than the others Grin

QueenBee52 · 11/09/2021 22:34

@Ihaventgottimeforthis

But the great thing about sports clubs is that if the social side isn't going as hoped then you just focus on the sporty aspect and basically getting as good as you can be, enjoying it for that, and obv being much better/stronger/faster than the others Grin
very good idea... Flowers
OperationDessertStorm · 11/09/2021 22:37

I tend to agree with Cherryana - they just didn’t think. It’s something they did for themselves rather than something that was aimed at excluding you.

I know it horrible to feel left out and unappreciated but it’s too early to throw in the towel on this group.

Also agree that ‘leader’ of a group comes with all sorts of issues.

Teatimes2 · 12/09/2021 10:00

I was in a running club. There were many breakaway groups, both for running and book clubs/ dinners in each others houses etc. I found it very cliquey at times.

Babymamamama · 12/09/2021 10:07

Is there anyone you consider a personal friend? Ie someone you meet up with separately? Go for coffee with etc? In that case I’d meet up with them as usual and then ask them face to face. Rather than sending messages. Hopefully you will get a straight answer that way.

OnceUponARainbow · 12/09/2021 10:11

As a cyclist, it can get tricky deciding who to approach for rides, and it sounds like this group was at limit if 7-8 riders. I personally find that the max for a group ride it it gets too unwieldy, and also prefer an even number.

I would ask one of the people you are closer to about the ride rather than approaching whole group.