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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel like throwing the towel in (re womens sports club)

64 replies

Fedupcyclist · 11/09/2021 18:42

I’m a keen cyclist & over the last couple of years I’ve been instrumental (along with a couple of other women) in getting a local women’s cycling group going.

I’ve devoted a lot of my free time (and as a working mum my free time is limited & precious) to planning & leading rides, dealing with group admin & offering support and advice to new cyclists.

I’ve had several women say how amazing joining the group has been for their physical & mental health & I’ve always been so proud of my contribution to the group.

I’ve seen from social media that today several of the key members of the group did an amazing looking long ride & basically I wasn’t invited.

We have a WhatsApp group we use to plan rides and there was no mention of this ride in there, so there’s obviously either another WhatsApp group I’m not on, or this ride was planned in some other way without me knowing Sad

Now obviously I’m aware it’s a free country and people can arrange rides outside the group, and indeed often a smaller group of two or three ladies might arrange an ad hoc ride without including the wider group and that’s totally fine. I just feel put out as today’s ride seemed to include all the key members of the group (ie, the “regulars”) except me and it just feels like a kick in the teeth given how much I have contributed to the group’s formation and development- I’m not merely a participant, I’ve been instrumental in setting up and running this group, giving up many hours of my time Sad

Also upset because I’m quite new to the area and I really thought i had “found my people” - but clearly not Sad

I can’t think of any logical reason for being excluded, other than they actually don’t really like me after all

Not sure what to do or say, just feeling utterly deflated tonight Sad

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 12/09/2021 10:22

Also I wonder about this idea of a 'core' group - it sounds as though you feel this group of people are the most important or valuable or desirable to be around and because of your hard work, you deserve to be included with them, rather than left out like all the other ordinaries? Maybe as a pp suggested, the others who were left out are actually your 'core' people.

Again, I doubt very much that this was intended to hurt you. It's probably just an established group within the group and none of them thought to invite others. Also, as a leader, you may find people assume you will organise everything you want to go to, so you might have to be upfront about wanting to be invited to other things you haven't organised yourself. Don't take it personally, just keep on building friendships with everyone (not just the 'core' people) and you will soon find you're naturally included in more things.

LemonJelly76 · 12/09/2021 15:07

Do you perhaps 'take over' a little if you ride with a group without meaning to? Like do you automatically take charge and perhaps control them a little? Playing devils advocate here.

Maybe if you're much faster than them, they thought you'd not want to join them if they feel they're that little bit slower than you.

Cocomarine · 12/09/2021 15:20

I’m with Cherryana - most likely it’s thoughtlessness not deliberate exclusion.

Persons A, B & C are close friends, decide to ride. C says - I’ll invite D, because they live next door. B says - in that case, I know E & F were talking a long ride this weekend…

Nobody stops to think - right, that’s A-F, G is going to feel pretty damn shit. Especially when in their eyes, the wider group isn’t A-G but A-S.

It’s still hurtful, but I doubt it’s deliberate.

The answer is to get what YOU want from the group. If you like planning routes - do it. If you like leading but not planning, then make it the same route cos you don’t want to plan another. If you don’t like to lead but would like a ride, message out that it’s a social and you’re not leading - but happy to meet others. Only talk to newbies about kit if you enjoy kit talk (and many of us do!).

QueenBee52 · 12/09/2021 15:20

@LemonJelly76

Do you perhaps 'take over' a little if you ride with a group without meaning to? Like do you automatically take charge and perhaps control them a little? Playing devils advocate here.

Maybe if you're much faster than them, they thought you'd not want to join them if they feel they're that little bit slower than you.

none of this is a good enough reason to have not even mentioned it 🌸

lockdownmadnessdotcom · 12/09/2021 15:25

I don't think I would be too upset about it happening once. But I can understand how you feel, especially when you've put so much effort into it. Is it a Breeze group by any chance? Our local one "died" during covid and has sort of restarted but only for a very chosen few. The rides are never advertised but I see them happening on social media.

I agree sports groups can be very cliquey.

PeppermintMocha · 12/09/2021 15:30

I think, as PP mentioned, that being the usual leader will have had something to do with it. It does tend to separate you, and make you have a slightly different position in the group; it happens in any groups where there is a teacher/leader/authority/organiser etc, even if that person is the same level/age/interest as the participants, there's something separate about them, and participants might end up feeling closer to others in the group, or feel a bit odd about including the 'leader', or feel that if they include the leader, then it becomes an official thing and they have to include everyone, or feel that if they invite the leader of the main group, then none of them can really do the organising or leading of the smaller group because someone more experienced is there, etc. or that they'd be treading on your toes if they did.

I've seen in it various types of groups (e.g., music groups, where certain people are section leaders or committee members), where is it a very tricky balance for someone who is at all 'in charge' to blend in seamlessly with the others on the social side. Some of them manage it really well, but I think it's still tricky for them and they have to work harder.

So it's probably not personal to you, but just that there is a bit of a divide between you, and it might take a while for you to smooth that over.

OVienna · 12/09/2021 21:26

@PeppermintMocha

I think, as PP mentioned, that being the usual leader will have had something to do with it. It does tend to separate you, and make you have a slightly different position in the group; it happens in any groups where there is a teacher/leader/authority/organiser etc, even if that person is the same level/age/interest as the participants, there's something separate about them, and participants might end up feeling closer to others in the group, or feel a bit odd about including the 'leader', or feel that if they include the leader, then it becomes an official thing and they have to include everyone, or feel that if they invite the leader of the main group, then none of them can really do the organising or leading of the smaller group because someone more experienced is there, etc. or that they'd be treading on your toes if they did.

I've seen in it various types of groups (e.g., music groups, where certain people are section leaders or committee members), where is it a very tricky balance for someone who is at all 'in charge' to blend in seamlessly with the others on the social side. Some of them manage it really well, but I think it's still tricky for them and they have to work harder.

So it's probably not personal to you, but just that there is a bit of a divide between you, and it might take a while for you to smooth that over.

This is spot on.
DramaAlpaca · 12/09/2021 21:31

That's horrible OP. I get it, something similar happened to me years ago and it really stung. I didn't follow up to find out why, just quietly slunk away. I wish I'd challenged it and I think you should, too.

Darker · 12/09/2021 21:43

I completely understand your feelings but I also doubt it was intentional. They probably arranged it outside the club in the same way you might arrange to go to the cinema or coffee.

I think it’s a sign that your cycling group is a success - some people have enjoyed it so much that they’ve met up to do more cycling!

I’d just tell them how lovely it was to see that they’d had a good ride and ask something neutral like what route did they take.

CyclingIsNotOuting · 12/09/2021 21:50

I’m a bit passive aggressive so I’d probably put something on the Facebook post but not the WhatsApp group.
Something like “looks like an amazing route” or “didn’t realise there was a cycle planned today” or similar so they know you’ve seen it.
Or just bite the bullet and comment “where was my invite?!”.

takehomepay · 12/09/2021 22:06

I would definitely say something, just in case it was an oversight and if not, to make sure they know you noted the exclusion. I would have said something like 'I would have loved to join the ride, was it organised on spur of the moment?'

If you then realise they deliberately excluded you, then absolutely pull back from organising rides and helping with questions.

Homemadearmy · 12/09/2021 22:07

I was going to say the same as @cocimarine. They arranged it them selves and no one was deliberately excluded. As you said you are new to the club mayve there are little groups that have always gone out together. There may not eveny be a separate what's app group, they could have been friends for years outside the group.
You not what it like trying to arrange things the bigger the group some times the more people want to vary things then it just becomes a ball ache. You get some you can only do it if you leave at 8, then others who can't make it until 9 etc . I'd mention it causally, don't burn bridges

TimeIhadaNameChange · 12/09/2021 22:11

Would it be obvious to them that you saw the SM post?

If not, could you suggest the exact same route as the next ride? Would be interesting to see the reaction.

takehomepay · 12/09/2021 22:17

As you said you are new to the club mayve there are little groups that have always gone out together.

She's not though, she's a founding member and was intrumental in getting the group going!

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