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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Left out via not telling the truth.

70 replies

Ponoka7 · 11/09/2021 15:53

I've been seeing my BF since November, yes we broke lock down. He has had alcohol issues in the past to the point were he had liver problems. He finds it difficult to pace himself and know when to stop. He drinks in rougher pubs than I'm used to. He is also paying off debts accrued during Covid. So we don't generally go out drinking.
A few months ago he was meeting his brother for a drink. He phones me to join them. When I get there his brother has gone home and my bf can barely string a sentence together. The group was all male. It was embarrassing.
Cut to the end of September. The day after his birthday we went out for lunch with his Mum, it was the first time meeting her. Then he was going out with his brother again. He went at 3pm. At 5.15 pm he phones me to join them. But I declined, thinking it would be the same as last time. Last week he admits that it was a mixed group out for his birthday. The group included his brother's ex, who I know he fancied. I can't help feeling that I wasn't told the true situation so he could do a bit of flirting etc. He is always going on about me meeting his friends. This was the perfect chance. I was sitting in his house by myself, three minutes away from the pub, while he was in there. His excuse is that I said that I didn't want to go, but what I was asked to go to, wasn't what was happening. He claims this woman is a mate, but only because she's turned him down previously. We've argued this week and suddenly he's commenting on her FB posts. He doesn't usually bother with FB. I feel really hurt. I've done a lot for him and it was him who wanted a 'real' relationship, not something casual. Is it overreacting to end it. We are in our 50's.

OP posts:
BarefootHippieChick · 11/09/2021 15:55

50s?! I honestly thought you were going to say you're 20 something!

DismantledKing · 11/09/2021 15:56

So he’s an alcoholic with gambling debts who may or may not be thinking of cheating on you?
What a catch he is.

HollowTalk · 11/09/2021 15:57

Oh come on, OP, what on earth are you doing with a loser like this? You deserve so much better.

Ambo21 · 11/09/2021 15:58

Come on... you dont need this.. walk away.. in fact run... you deserve better.

ApolloandDaphne · 11/09/2021 15:58

This is all a bit word. How could he be out for his birthday at the end of September? It is only mid September now.

That aside I think you are over reacting about the birthday drinks. He went with his brother and invited you. Maybe he didn't know all his other mates would be there?

I am not sure why you are wasting your time with someone with debts and a drink problem. He doesn't sound like much of a catch and you obviously don't trust him. Time to move on maybe?

Dontbeme · 11/09/2021 15:58

Just end it, who wants this nonsense in their fifties? Do you really want to be stuck with some bloke that has a drink problem and carries a flame for his own brothers ex.

ApolloandDaphne · 11/09/2021 15:59

Weird not word!

nimbuscloud · 11/09/2021 15:59

What’s attractive about him? Very little from what you’ve posted

TheCrowFromBelow · 11/09/2021 16:00

He left you at home for his own birthday drinks. Can't see much future in that tbh!
He sounds like he has a lot of baggage as well.

pigsDOfly · 11/09/2021 16:00

50s?! I honestly thought you were going to say you're 20 something!

Same here.

Why are you even bothering with this man, the whole thing sounds childish and not worth the effort.

End it.

BronwenFrideswide · 11/09/2021 16:01

@BarefootHippieChick

50s?! I honestly thought you were going to say you're 20 something!
Likewise, in fact I thought at the very most 20.

Is this really the best life you can envisage for yourself OP?

FlumpsAreShit · 11/09/2021 16:01

He sounds like a bit of a loser to be honest OP. Do you really want to be putting up with this nonsense?

In isolation, I wouldn't be upset about the night out. You declined and that's not really his fault, unless you explicitly asked who was there and he lied, but he did invite you. But forget about all that. He's an alcoholic who still hangs out in pubs. You've not been together long, I'd just chalk it up to experience and move on.

Ponoka7 · 11/09/2021 16:03

No the debts are because he is a taxi driver and had a massive loss of earnings. He got a car on finance in December 2019. He is slightly disabled so taking a delivery job wasn't an option. They had stopped his lifetime award of PIP. His previous partner developed a condition similar to Parkinson's and had to go into residential care. His drinking built up. It's the lack of thought that's got to me. Also being happy to leave me out.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 11/09/2021 16:04

@ApolloandDaphne, sorry end of August.

OP posts:
Walruse · 11/09/2021 16:06

Agree with the above. Does he have any good qualities op?!

Ponoka7 · 11/09/2021 16:07

See if it was me and I'd arranged drinks with female friends and then one declared that another mixed sex bunch had been invited by her. I'd phone him, explain and tell him to come up. His brother told him who was coming quite soon after meeting up. The first pub they go, I won't, but the second one, literally on the corner of his road, I would.

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 11/09/2021 16:07

It seems like a lot of drama and stress when you’re only a few months in. I think I would cut my losses and put that energy into finding someone else.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 11/09/2021 16:09

Wow, what a catch...

Come on OP, surely you can do better.

Ponoka7 · 11/09/2021 16:11

His good qualities are, he's hard-working but limited because of disability. He isn't grumpy, like so many are of our age. He doesn't have a victim mentality, his disability was caused by an accident at 15, it ended all of his ambitions, but he got on with it. He's worked full time and has bought his own home. He cared for his last partner for as long as possible. He's generous in bed, but not demanding. He helps people when he can. We share the same interests. It's just this one incident that's made me see him in another light.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 11/09/2021 16:13

It's tough to find people in your 50's. Especially when there's a loss of body confidence. Thoughts after I've expanded?

OP posts:
Toddlerteaplease · 11/09/2021 16:13

He's an alcoholic and taxi driver?! That won't end well. Dump him.

tillytoodles1 · 11/09/2021 16:15

So he's an alcoholic taxi driver? He's putting people lives at risk on a regular basis!

Plumtree391 · 11/09/2021 16:16

@DismantledKing

So he’s an alcoholic with gambling debts who may or may not be thinking of cheating on you? What a catch he is.
Exactly.

If you're in your fifties - do you really need this complicated apology for a relationship with an alcoholic?

Ughmaybenot · 11/09/2021 16:18

He sounds like an absolutely hopeless case tbh. He’s an alcoholic, he’s in debt, he’s sleazy (who fancies their brother’s ex, least of all who admits it?!) and you don’t trust him around any women it would seem.
Sounds nice.

Plumtree391 · 11/09/2021 16:18

@Ponoka7

It's tough to find people in your 50's. Especially when there's a loss of body confidence. Thoughts after I've expanded?
Can't you do without 'finding' someone? It is possible to happy alone.

There is no reason to lose body confidence permanently, probably nothing a decent diet and a bit of exercise wouldn't cure.