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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Left out via not telling the truth.

70 replies

Ponoka7 · 11/09/2021 15:53

I've been seeing my BF since November, yes we broke lock down. He has had alcohol issues in the past to the point were he had liver problems. He finds it difficult to pace himself and know when to stop. He drinks in rougher pubs than I'm used to. He is also paying off debts accrued during Covid. So we don't generally go out drinking.
A few months ago he was meeting his brother for a drink. He phones me to join them. When I get there his brother has gone home and my bf can barely string a sentence together. The group was all male. It was embarrassing.
Cut to the end of September. The day after his birthday we went out for lunch with his Mum, it was the first time meeting her. Then he was going out with his brother again. He went at 3pm. At 5.15 pm he phones me to join them. But I declined, thinking it would be the same as last time. Last week he admits that it was a mixed group out for his birthday. The group included his brother's ex, who I know he fancied. I can't help feeling that I wasn't told the true situation so he could do a bit of flirting etc. He is always going on about me meeting his friends. This was the perfect chance. I was sitting in his house by myself, three minutes away from the pub, while he was in there. His excuse is that I said that I didn't want to go, but what I was asked to go to, wasn't what was happening. He claims this woman is a mate, but only because she's turned him down previously. We've argued this week and suddenly he's commenting on her FB posts. He doesn't usually bother with FB. I feel really hurt. I've done a lot for him and it was him who wanted a 'real' relationship, not something casual. Is it overreacting to end it. We are in our 50's.

OP posts:
LolaButt · 11/09/2021 16:20

Sounds like an amazing guy who is making you really happy…

If the above isn’t true then you know the answer.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 11/09/2021 16:22

You are too old for this shit OP. You should be wiser.

DismantledKing · 11/09/2021 16:22

@Ponoka7

It's tough to find people in your 50's. Especially when there's a loss of body confidence. Thoughts after I've expanded?
He’s a loser. The alcoholism itself is enough, without all the other baggage.
Original poster
Ponoka7 · 11/09/2021 16:25

I've been alone for seven years. I decided that I'd like a bf. I don't want to be alone any longer. Issues the menopause and age brings aren't solved by diet and exercise, unfortunately.
He doesn't drink when he's in work the next day. It's just once he starts, he can't stop until he's very drunk.
He has a brain injury which means one drink and he doesn't think things out. I thought end it, but my eldest DD felt that it was his brother's doing and it's been a lack of thought rather than malice. Which made me doubt ending it.

OP posts:
DismantledKing · 11/09/2021 16:27

There’s ‘settling’, and then there’s this.

RincewindsHat · 11/09/2021 16:29

The issue's not him, it's you. You don't think you can do better than this alcoholic taxi driver who may or may not be planning to cheat on you (and you've got a nice little story about how it's tough to find people in your 50s...newsflash, that is true at every age), so you're going to let him treat you however he likes and complain about it on forums like this to make yourself feel better.

If you want to feel better, ditch the loser and find someone who will treat you how you want to be treated. This man is not going to change and he clearly doesn't think much of you. You can do better.

Gingernaut · 11/09/2021 16:30

@DismantledKing

So he’s an alcoholic with gambling debts who may or may not be thinking of cheating on you? What a catch he is.
This.

What are you doing?

He's making no attempt to stop drinking for a start.

He's an active alcoholic.

DamnUserName21 · 11/09/2021 16:31

YABU for putting up with his crap.
Do yourself a favour and get rid of him.

Original poster
Ponoka7 · 11/09/2021 16:32

He wasn't fully going to cheat. She isn't interested and he has ED. But I still felt that it's a betrayal. I'm going to ignore my DD and let this go.

OP posts:
DamnUserName21 · 11/09/2021 16:38

@Ponoka7

He wasn't fully going to cheat. She isn't interested and he has ED. But I still felt that it's a betrayal. I'm going to ignore my DD and let this go.
So he drinks, gambles, ditches you to hang out with friends whilst you sit indoors in HIS home, he only cheats partially??, and he can't get it up!!

Prince among men.

Yeah, ignore your DD and see the light!

Original poster
Ponoka7 · 11/09/2021 16:38

Thanks everyone, you've put it in perspective for me.

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 11/09/2021 16:39

Thoughts?

I'll tell you what DH told the woman his DB described as his new partner when she asked him to tell her the truth:

Lady, run. He is an alcoholic who will always put socialising and alcohol first. Much if what he tells you will be a lie, massaged to make him look good or victimised. Look after yourself first, block him, ghost him, run...

Plumtree391 · 11/09/2021 16:51

@Ponoka7

I've been alone for seven years. I decided that I'd like a bf. I don't want to be alone any longer. Issues the menopause and age brings aren't solved by diet and exercise, unfortunately. He doesn't drink when he's in work the next day. It's just once he starts, he can't stop until he's very drunk. He has a brain injury which means one drink and he doesn't think things out. I thought end it, but my eldest DD felt that it was his brother's doing and it's been a lack of thought rather than malice. Which made me doubt ending it.
I don't believe issues caused by the menopause and age are so bad they cannot be solved (I'm over 70). However you know yourself best. It just seems a shame to have a boyfriend who has this particular health issue.

I'm sure he has no malice and is nice in many ways but you are doing yourself down.

At least you don't live with him so can pick and choose when and where you see him.

accentdusoleil · 11/09/2021 16:52

Stop the drink or you leave him

viques · 11/09/2021 16:58

To quote young people.

“He’s not that into you.”

Mumoftwoinprimary · 11/09/2021 16:59

@Ponoka7

He wasn't fully going to cheat. She isn't interested and he has ED. But I still felt that it's a betrayal. I'm going to ignore my DD and let this go.
So he wasn’t going to cheat because he couldn’t. Not because he chose not to because he is with you.
pinkyredrose · 11/09/2021 17:02

thought end it, but my eldest DD felt that it was his brother's doing

Why are you even involving your daughter?! His brother didn't force him to get shitfaced did he?

OP this relationship isn't making you happy, chuck this one back and keep looking.

sloutside · 11/09/2021 17:28

We are in our 50's

Good grief, I thought you sounded mid-20s.
Just get rid OP and save yourself a load of hassle.

He has had alcohol issues in the past to the point were he had liver problems
Bye.....
Is this really what you want in your later years? Dealing with someone with a drink problem and then caring for him as his health deteriorates?
Then there's the issue that you obviously don't trust him and he may or may not be flirting with this other woman in real life and on facebook. The fact is, whatever he is doing, the trust is already not there, hence the drama about this evening out.

Get rid of him and work on your own self-esteem. You are a worthwhile person with, I am sure, a lot of great qualities.
Do not settle for some second-rate man who is going to be more hassle than he is worth just because you feel that perhaps your body isn't that great due to menopause or whatever the issue is which you are unhappy about.

Value yourself first, then a decent man will value you too. Set the bar high. No alcoholics. Nobody with debts (nightmare going forward at that age). Nobody who flirts with other women.

charlestonchaplin · 11/09/2021 17:30

@DismantledKing
So he’s an alcoholic with gambling debts who may or may not be thinking of cheating on you?

Where did you get this bit about gambling debts because it isn’t in the OP?

Twizbe · 11/09/2021 17:32

I have a feeling we're all going to say LTB until we're blue in the face but you're not listening.

Go on then OP, choose loser over alone

Notaroadrunner · 11/09/2021 17:34

Dear God @Ponoka7 have a bit of self respect and dump him. He's an alcoholic - why would you even want to be with him? His brother didn't pour alcohol down his throat so your dd is wrong - it wasn't his brothers fault that he got shit faced, it was his own doing. Whether you find someone else to share your life with or not, you will be better off without this waste of space regardless.

starfishmummy · 11/09/2021 17:35

His good qualities are, he's hard-working but limited because of disability.

Being a taxi driver, having had "alcohol issues in the past" and is still drinking are hardly good qualities.

What about when he has an accident due to driving his taxi when drunk and, heaven forfend, hurts or kills people. Will you still think these are good qualities?

Name99 · 11/09/2021 17:36

Yeah if he's had liver problems due to drink and continuing drinking he is 100% alcoholic I'm afraid.
And the rest.....
Just run.

meganorks · 11/09/2021 17:36

I've said YABU in this case as he asked you to go out! You're annoyed he didn't invite you when you declined the offer. That said, he doesn't really sound like a catch!

Original poster
Ponoka7 · 11/09/2021 17:57

It wasn't him getting drunk that was the issue. It was that I wasn't invited once he'd found out that it was going to be a mixed group. I declined the invite to drink when it was him and his brother. Yes he's an alcoholic, in the sense that he can't stop drinking when he starts. He isn't drinking when working. That started when his partner developed the aggressive, life limiting condition. That can be any of us. But I am listening and I'm going to end it. In my local paper there's just been an piece on a local woman's only gym. So I'm going to pay for a PT and start.

OP posts: