Left out via not telling the truth.

[Ponoka7]

I've been seeing my BF since November, yes we broke lock down. He has had alcohol issues in the past to the point were he had liver problems. He finds it difficult to pace himself and know when to stop. He drinks in rougher pubs than I'm used to. He is also paying off debts accrued during Covid. So we don't generally go out drinking.
A few months ago he was meeting his brother for a drink. He phones me to join them. When I get there his brother has gone home and my bf can barely string a sentence together. The group was all male. It was embarrassing.
Cut to the end of September. The day after his birthday we went out for lunch with his Mum, it was the first time meeting her. Then he was going out with his brother again. He went at 3pm. At 5.15 pm he phones me to join them. But I declined, thinking it would be the same as last time. Last week he admits that it was a mixed group out for his birthday. The group included his brother's ex, who I know he fancied. I can't help feeling that I wasn't told the true situation so he could do a bit of flirting etc. He is always going on about me meeting his friends. This was the perfect chance. I was sitting in his house by myself, three minutes away from the pub, while he was in there. His excuse is that I said that I didn't want to go, but what I was asked to go to, wasn't what was happening. He claims this woman is a mate, but only because she's turned him down previously. We've argued this week and suddenly he's commenting on her FB posts. He doesn't usually bother with FB. I feel really hurt. I've done a lot for him and it was him who wanted a 'real' relationship, not something casual. Is it overreacting to end it. We are in our 50's.

[quote charlestonchaplin]**@DismantledKing
So he’s an alcoholic with gambling debts who may or may not be thinking of cheating on you?

Where did you get this bit about gambling debts because it isn’t in the OP?[/quote]
I made too much of an assumption there; I think I’ve read so many similar threads.

Ok I have to be honest, I also thought teenagers when I read your op. I really can’t see what you were worried about, he was drunk and he has Ed, he wasn’t going to be cheating, he likely didn’t explain properly as he was wankered.

It seems you’ve maybe jealousy and insecurity issues. Or maybe like a little drama and are bored. Cos clearly ain’t nothing going on here

@Bluntness100, that's what my DD is saying, she obviously doesn't know about the ED. It's been seven years since I was in any relationship. My last relationship ended because he phased me out and part of that was telling me that it was just a mates situation. I don't want drama which is why it's a one strike and your out rule, but I want to be fair.

Him not inviting you is smallfry, I'd be ending it due to the other issue(s). I'm 55 and I wouldn't be settling for this. I'd rather be on my own with a dry fanny tbh.

@TomFuckery, my sex drive has dropped right down. What he can do, suits me. I like his positive outlook and his getting on with things. His accident that changed his life was caused by someone else, but there's no bitterness whatsoever. Likewise with his ex situation. There's a lot about him, like him being child free, a good laugh, generous in spirit etc that suits me. He has a mixed heritage and sexuality family, he gets sexism. I've met very few men in their 50's, who be interested in me, with his qualities.

@Bluntness100

Ok I have to be honest, I also thought teenagers when I read your op. I really can’t see what you were worried about, he was drunk and he has Ed, he wasn’t going to be cheating, he likely didn’t explain properly as he was wankered.

It seems you’ve maybe jealousy and insecurity issues. Or maybe like a little drama and are bored. Cos clearly ain’t nothing going on here

What, apart from the fact he’s an alcoholic, further complicated by his brain injury, has ED and is in debt, and has a liking for rough pubs and his brothers ex?

Honestly, @Ponoka7, it’s not this or nothing.

Debt happened for a lot of people during Covid. He's working his way out of it and has cleared half. This is the reality for people on lower incomes who are disabled, so didn't have the option of delivery driving, or retail work. He manages the effects of his brain injury by calendars, lists and IT. He likes rough pubs because he's a drinker. We go for food, bowling, ghetto golf, cinema. I myself have got over Cancer and have been left with CF and some nerve damage, so I wouldn't like to think all disabled people are write offs.
Where he goes when I'm not with him, I don't care. It was the switch of venue and more people coming.

So you're grateful he's interested in you because ... he's not an entirely obnoxious woman hating areshole? The fact that he's a debt ridden raging alcoholic is just something that you are prepared to overlook?

Dear me.

ED

No, I'm not grateful. But there's a lot of women hating aresholes, especially over 50, who hide it well. He's a decent person. There's no temper, etc. If MH services were in place for carers and the charities around that are now, he might never have started drinking. The ED is a bit of a blessing tbh.

From what you’ve written - you seem upset that he didn’t specifically recall you and tell you it was a mixed group in the hope you’d come. It would have been nice and it’s nice that you would have liked to go but I can’t honestly say it would have crossed my mind to do this and so it’s not something I would break up over.
The second issue is that you seem to believe this was on purpose so he could flirt with another woman - that ones harder as it could be you’ve jumped to that due to insecurities in yourself and it wasn’t a thought in his head. Or that there is a backstory which leads you to believe this deceitful nature is part of his character? I probably wouldn’t jump to that conclusion so I think you need to ask yourself which is it?

I'm an alcoholic in recovery.
No one, nothing is to blame for my alcoholicism, I've been diagnosed with a life long life changing disability, escaped an abusive Relationship, lots of other crap
But no one is responsible to blame for the problem with alcohol problem i had.
So no, it's not any thing to do with mental health services, it's an active choice and he has the ability to stop.
Hes got liver problems and has continued drinking, that's insanity

@Ponoka7

It's tough to find people in your 50's. Especially when there's a loss of body confidence. Thoughts after I've expanded?

Nevertheless - don't settle for an inconsiderate alcoholic just because you haven't found anyone better. Life is too short. YANBU to want to dump him.

Was he genuinely sorry when he heard you felt left out? If so I think it's a lack of communication rather than deliberately leaving you out. But you set your own standards in life so only you can decide whether this is a deal breaker for you. You may not have enjoyed yourself anyway & if my partner declined an invite to my birthday I would respect that and wouldn't call them back to request they come later on. I hope you make the right decision for you.

@Name99, he stopped drinking to allow his liver to recover. He now drinks at maximum of once a week, but I still consider him an alcoholic because if in drinking company he has a lack of self control. Posters are condemning the alcoholism, but addiction can happen to anyone. I comfort ate when going through my health issues. His brain injury makes things more difficult. But he picked himself up again. What drove you to alcoholism is your story, everyone's path will differ. If MH services were available when my DH was dying, I wouldn't have had a breakdown. I could have easily picked up a bottle.

He doesn't quite get what he's done wrong. But he's sorry that he's upset me and acknowledges that he could have done things differently.

I really don’t know what you want here, OP.

Well he can't be an alcoholic taxi driver or any sort of driver. What are his positive points because at the moment there seems to be no reason to continue the relationship. You cannot save him from himself and frankly at your age why would you take on the drama.

I read that you are going to end the relationship, Ponoka, and join a gym. Good for you.

The guy sounds all right but very unfortunate with his health and addiction, I am not without sympathy, but I think you can do better. Go on, reinvent yourself and strike out with confidence!

@Bluntness100

Ok I have to be honest, I also thought teenagers when I read your op. I really can’t see what you were worried about, he was drunk and he has Ed, he wasn’t going to be cheating, he likely didn’t explain properly as he was wankered.

It seems you’ve maybe jealousy and insecurity issues. Or maybe like a little drama and are bored. Cos clearly ain’t nothing going on here

It sounds like the only reason he didn't cheat is because he has an ED and the other person isn't interested.

What a low bar to think that (combined with his alcoholism) is "nothing".

@Ponoka7, I moved countries in early 2020 for a job that never materialised because of Covid, and I have total sympathy for anyone who suffered economically. It still sounds to me as if you are overlooking huge issues with this man purely because in your eyes he’s not awful, he’s had a tough life, and you currently feel ground down and under-confident.