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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Forcing young teens to socialise as a family - do you?

76 replies

Dinkydonk55 · 11/09/2021 15:11

Eldest dc is 13. Bit of an introvert, gets quite socially anxious, doesn’t do small talk, has friends at school but not open to making new ones/developing friendships.

There’s a bbq tomorrow with our small group from church, there will be some girls there her age who I know will be friendly but they’re not natural friends if you see what I mean. Did try to force something with one of them (mums plotting together) but it backfired so won’t try that again, lesson learnt!

I’m trying to get her to come with us, said she can just eat lunch then I promise I’ll take her home early if she’s had enough, as she does have homework to do.
But she’s adamant she’s not coming.

Do I force it?

So far I’ve said that she’s not quite old enough to always stay home and sometimes still has to do stuff with the family. But she’s digging her heels in and I don’t know how far to push it.

I think partly I want her to come because I’ll be a bit embarrassed if she doesn’t, since the others will all be there with their chatty sociable teens. but I know that’s a stupid reason.

She’s my eldest and I don’t know how to play this.

We also suspect mild asd and she’s awaiting assessment.

Sometimes I’ve forced her to go places and she’s had a good time and was glad she went…
But I also remember the horror of being forced together with kids of my parents friends who I had nothing in common with.

AiBU to force her to come? (Although not actually sure how I would make her)

OP posts:
notenoughcoffeeee · 11/09/2021 15:14

Could she bring a close friend to the gathering with her as a buddy to chat and sit with? A phone or a book and set up inside somewhere (sort of runs the risk of being seen as rude though I know.) Otherwise, if it's causing her lots of stress and she wouldn't enjoy it I think it's alright for her to stay home if there's not much for her at the gathering.

MegBusset · 11/09/2021 15:22

I would leave her at home tbh, I don't see any real benefit to her or you to her going.

underneaththeash · 11/09/2021 15:25

We have to force DS(15). He's gets really grumpy if we don't.

I wouldn't though if I knew he wouldn't enjoy it a bit when he got there.

FatJan · 11/09/2021 15:27

I think bringing her to this outing is more for your benefit than hers.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 11/09/2021 15:32

No I don't force mine, and 13 is old enough to stay home alone for a few hours and make her own lunch (unless she has relevant special needs/ health issues/ behaviour problems).

My parents used to force me to attend extremely similar things and all it did is entrench my natural tendency to dislike and avoid Smalltalk type socialising, and dislike and automatically avoid any kind of church related activity into the bargain!

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 11/09/2021 15:34

Also before anyone else points it out there's no such thing as mild ASD... but if she has autistic traits that's more a reason not to force her into this type of social gathering than otherwise.

Original poster
Dinkydonk55 · 11/09/2021 15:34

Yes safety wise I’ve no worries about her being home, and we’re not far away (plus will be an excuse not to stay too long myself 😂)

Ok I appreciate opinions thank you.
It’s really hard to know if she would enjoy it when she got there. I think there is a chance, but could go either way.

OP posts:
GoWalkabout · 11/09/2021 15:35

Tell her she is expected to come to things every other time, so does she want to use her free pass this time or next. Although actually I don't ever expect this of my teens and wouldn't want to make her.

Cherrysoup · 11/09/2021 15:35

At 13, it’s probably her idea of purgatory! I don’t think you should make someone of her age to attend an awkward (for her) social event.

Original poster
Dinkydonk55 · 11/09/2021 15:38

Thank you @UntilYourNextHairbrainedScheme sorry if I didn’t word that right.
I think it’s borderline whether she will meet the diagnostic criteria but there are suspicions including from a psychologist she saw for anxiety and low mood.

As it’s a spectrum though surely people are at different ends but maybe mild isn’t the right term.

OP posts:
UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 11/09/2021 15:38

My three do more with me / as a family because its optional IMO. The only time I decide for them is when both parents are going and we'll be out for the whole day (not social gatherings but days out) or the one who struggles with decisions can't decide!

I'd never force any of them to go to a barbecue with my friends though - that'd be my social life, not theirs, though of course as there are other similar aged offspring invited they'd be invited too - an invitation not a summons.

cervixuser · 11/09/2021 15:39

I honestly don't believe she's being helped by not going to things, it's how she'll learn how to navigate social events safely. There are 2 young people in our wider family with very limited social skills because they were never encouraged to come and do a single thing that they didn't want to do.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 11/09/2021 15:43

Dinkydonk55 the spectrum isn't necessary best represented as a line... But it's more that people are impacted by ASD in different ways, than them having mild, moderate or severe ASD. The people who are usually referred to as having "severe" ASD are often actually the people who have ASD with comorbidities / learning disabilities, rather than necessarily the people most severely impacted by having ASD. Arguably its hard to say whether someone with profound cognitive impairment is more severely impacted by also having ASD than someone who has no learning disabilities and masks well to all but their most trusted people, but has to expend huge energy to do so ...

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 11/09/2021 15:46

the-art-of-autism.com/understanding-the-spectrum-a-comic-strip-explanation/

AngelicInnocent · 11/09/2021 15:49

Some things I would have forced mine to attend like granny's 75th birthday or older cousins wedding etc but definitely not something involving my friends and their children because I know how much I would have hated it.

Stompythedinosaur · 11/09/2021 15:49

She shouldn't have to come because you feel embarrassed.

If she's safe to stay home alone I don't see any reason she shouldn't.

HereForThis · 11/09/2021 16:00

Eldest dc is 13. Bit of an introvert, gets quite socially anxious, doesn’t do small talk, has friends at school but not open to making new ones/developing friendships.

Do I force it?

Really? Why would you? Would you think of forcing an extrovert dc to stay home if they wanted to go to an event with you (assuming they can and are allowed to go but you just want to force them to alone at home)?
See it sounds silly - and almost abusive - to even do the opposite. Why can't some parents understand their introvert children?

HereForThis · 11/09/2021 16:04

@cervixuser

I honestly don't believe she's being helped by not going to things, it's how she'll learn how to navigate social events safely. There are 2 young people in our wider family with very limited social skills because they were never encouraged to come and do a single thing that they didn't want to do.
This is how they learn to mask and fit in. It all comes out later after years of internal (and external for some) struggle. You are who you are, just as much as an extrovert or NT (not the same though, just including both) can't be forced or "trained" to be the opposite.

SMH! Poor kids.

aquashiv · 11/09/2021 16:05

No

BananaPB · 11/09/2021 16:05

I wouldn't force it as these are just your friends. There are gatherings that she might attend eg grandad turning 80 so save your cajoling for then.

Blackkbird · 11/09/2021 16:07

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

Also before anyone else points it out there's no such thing as mild ASD... but if she has autistic traits that's more a reason not to force her into this type of social gathering than otherwise.

Yes there is. There's a lower end of the spectrum.

Do you have ASD? If so have you been assessed recently?

icedcoffees · 11/09/2021 16:07

YABU.

She's more than capable of staying home alone for a few hours.

Is church her thing or yours?

Plumtree391 · 11/09/2021 16:08

I wouldn't force her. There are enough things in life which are compulsory, a church barbecue is not one of them. At 13 she is old enough to make up her own mind and stay at home. I do hope you enjoy it though.

icedcoffees · 11/09/2021 16:09

@cervixuser

I honestly don't believe she's being helped by not going to things, it's how she'll learn how to navigate social events safely. There are 2 young people in our wider family with very limited social skills because they were never encouraged to come and do a single thing that they didn't want to do.
Do you not think that perhaps they have poor social skills for other reasons and they don't attend social occasions because of it?
Wishingwell75 · 11/09/2021 16:09

I don't think you should make her go OP. It's probably incredibly stressful for her and the likelihood of her suddenly becoming a social butterfly at this barbeque are practically zero.
What exactly are you concerned about?
If she is always holed up in her room, what does she like doing? Minecraft, other gaming games (not my area sorry 😁) reading, drawing, watching YouTube?
Can you meet her where she is? Comparing her to other girls her age is only going to bring sadness to both of you. If she particularly struggles with socialising - could social anxiety be an issue, is it linked in her case to potentially being on the spectrum?
Whilst I feel all pressure to go to things like the barbeque should be removed, I do agree that sometimes you can be encouraged to go somewhere and end up really enjoying yourself and there's no substitute for getting out in the fresh air to improve mood etc. But where as I think you can tell your DD she has to come for a ten - 15 minute walk or bike ride or run with you, I don't think forcing her to social events will do anything but reinforce the view she MAY already hold of herself - "I don't know how to make friends/chat to these girls, they'll think I'm weird".
Teenage girls (even ones at church events) can be vicious, especially if they overhear their mums talking about how your daughter is 'shy' or something.
Far better to let your DD set the pace, are there any hobbies she has or wants to try? It's always easier to make friends and be social if there is something else to focus on- if you know what I mean.
Finally, as long as your daughter is happy in herself and at home and is getting some fresh air over the weekends, I would honestly leave her to it. She's got a lot going on already just being 13 and the medical tests.
It might be a case of you having to get rid of any expectations of how sociable your child "should" be by 13 and just meet her where she actually is at this point in time.
A lot (and a child) can change between the ages of 13 and 18.
I'm sure you'll both be fine! 😄