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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Forcing young teens to socialise as a family - do you?

76 replies

Dinkydonk55 · 11/09/2021 15:11

Eldest dc is 13. Bit of an introvert, gets quite socially anxious, doesn’t do small talk, has friends at school but not open to making new ones/developing friendships.

There’s a bbq tomorrow with our small group from church, there will be some girls there her age who I know will be friendly but they’re not natural friends if you see what I mean. Did try to force something with one of them (mums plotting together) but it backfired so won’t try that again, lesson learnt!

I’m trying to get her to come with us, said she can just eat lunch then I promise I’ll take her home early if she’s had enough, as she does have homework to do.
But she’s adamant she’s not coming.

Do I force it?

So far I’ve said that she’s not quite old enough to always stay home and sometimes still has to do stuff with the family. But she’s digging her heels in and I don’t know how far to push it.

I think partly I want her to come because I’ll be a bit embarrassed if she doesn’t, since the others will all be there with their chatty sociable teens. but I know that’s a stupid reason.

She’s my eldest and I don’t know how to play this.

We also suspect mild asd and she’s awaiting assessment.

Sometimes I’ve forced her to go places and she’s had a good time and was glad she went…
But I also remember the horror of being forced together with kids of my parents friends who I had nothing in common with.

AiBU to force her to come? (Although not actually sure how I would make her)

OP posts:

TwilightSkies · 11/09/2021 16:10

No, what’s the point in forcing her? Let her make her own decision.

Thatsplentyjack · 11/09/2021 16:11

I have a boy exactly the same, and same age. No I wouldn't force him to something like that. I would feel too guilty. I remember all too well being that awkward 13 year old that didn't want to go anywhere, and the horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach.

godmum56 · 11/09/2021 16:16

@GoWalkabout

Tell her she is expected to come to things every other time, so does she want to use her free pass this time or next. Although actually I don't ever expect this of my teens and wouldn't want to make her.

what the actual f?????

PileOfBooks · 11/09/2021 16:18

We've been in a similar situatuon and after a few weeks of being cross (I realise now its misplaced at her when really it was the situation ) realises that this is how it is.

Complete yes to not forcing her to mask. It's hard enough managing the social load at school.

Ive had to give up my idea in my head of family social occasions at the weekend being as I imagined.

We discuss together now. There was one time I wanted get to come to an afternoon thing and we negotiated an hour, with her sat on a picnic blanket watching her favourite series on her phone. It meant my husband and I could both go. May have looked rude but worked for us. Other times we accept we can't both go places.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 11/09/2021 16:19

Blackkbird ypu don't have to have an ASD diagnosis to have relevant knowledge, any more than you have to have ADD/ ADHD/ Dyslexia/ Dyspraxia/ Sensory processing disorders/ ... or Trisomy 21 or Anglemans or cognitive impairment... or hearing or visual impairment, or for that matter schizophrenia, psychosis, emotionally unstable personality disorder or heart failure/ epilepsy/ muscular dystrophy/ dementia or any other neurological difference or neurological condition or disorder or mental or physical illness to have knowledge of it.
I work with people with all those differences and conditions.

mbosnz · 11/09/2021 16:20

I pick my battles. There are some that there is no debate - grandmothers' 80ths for example.

But a church bbq, no, especially when it was more for me, than for her.

That means that when I do say that attendance at something is required, they're far more likely to respect and accept that.

PileOfBooks · 11/09/2021 16:23

Mbonz exactly. Takes some of the pressure off which then makes some things possible rather than "everything unmanageable."

HereForThis · 11/09/2021 16:24

What's with all the 'compulsory grandmother's birthday' crap? What - Granny and other family members never learned that some people are different, they may have trouble attending her birthday and it's not personal?

LagneyandCasey · 11/09/2021 16:28

It feels sad when it seems like everyone else has an outgoing teen and yours is holed up in their bedroom, but it's very normal for them to pull away and do their own thing at this age. The ones with outgoing dc will probably hit a similar issue too at some point. They all develop at their own pace.

I would never insist they come along unless it's a special family event and even then I would let them get their phone out after the meal or whatever.

As long as your child is getting some social interaction I wouldn't worry. School is more than enough for some.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 11/09/2021 16:29

There are enough things in life which are compulsory, a church barbecue is not one of them.

I agree with this. I wouldn't let her skulk out of family parties, or anything she has committed to do but...this church bbq is for you and your church friends, and I see no harm in letting her swerve it.

lilmrschatty · 11/09/2021 16:33

I could have written this exact post. I've just come home from a party with my small group and my 13 year old autistic daughter was allowed to stay at home. I understand your feelings about wanting to socialise as a family but I think even NT 13 year olds are at an age where they have their own friends and interests and don't want to see their parents friends. It's also the start of a new term and after a week of socialising and masking my daughter is exhausted.

Topseyt · 11/09/2021 16:33

Don't force her. You've given her the option, she has said she would rather not. 13 is perfectly old enough to stay at home alone for a couple of hours and she could even do her homework. 😉

Let her stay at home. Then if a family occasion comes up that you are all expected to attend she will be more likely to be amenable, even if still a little reluctant.

SheWoreYellow · 11/09/2021 16:35

What would be the point in her coming?

Ted27 · 11/09/2021 16:36

If you are glad of an excuse not to stay too long then it doesn't sound like you are that keen on going yourself.
I'm not sure how you can 'force' her anyway. What would you actually do?
I have a 17 year old with ASD. He is sociable enough when he wants to be, sometimes he just needs to be alone.

Goingbackto5oh5 · 11/09/2021 16:40

I guess it depends on how much leeway you give her on whether she has to come or not to other events? My sister would dig her heels in from that age, never wanted to go anywhere that involved people she wasn't familiar with. Her autism was diagnosed at 16 which was both a surprise and not - she was good at masking in a lot of ways but socialising with people she wasn't comfortable with wasn't one of them. I would say let her miss this one and pick your battles. My dad and brother pushed my sister too far and she's now NC.

redpandaalert · 11/09/2021 16:45

Mine takes phone/iPad to these events and sits in a corner if I can’t leave him at home (high functioning ASD), sometimes he engages with other teens and sometimes he doesn’t. He stays at home for more local socialising. He knows he has to go to some family events and everybody knows he has ASD so the expectations for him to be social are low. A diagnosis is a good thing

Blackkbird · 11/09/2021 17:03

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

Are you a psychiatrist?

I am diagnosed with 2 of those mentioned and there is indeed a "spectrum" ie high end and low end, so I don't think it's mad to refer to it as mild. I see that as quite dismissive.

FatLarrysBand · 11/09/2021 17:05

I'm afraid I have to wonder how fun a church social would be for a thirteen-year-old, honestly. She's not Anne of Green Gables.

Original poster

Dinkydonk55 · 11/09/2021 17:30

Thank you everyone I really appreciate your perspectives.
@LagneyandCasey that’s exactly how I feel I think. Can feel a bit sad and I get twitchy if she’s in her room a lot of the weekend and feel like I should be getting her to do stuff.

She is very into art and spends a lot of time doing that. She also likes cookery and over the summer did go to a cookery workshop, for example.

I also always had the theory that it’s always good to have friends outside school and I know when I was a teenager my (out of school) church youth group friends really helped me navigate that time. But she’s not me and I get that. She’s not interested and hasn’t clicked with them.

She has done brilliantly this summer holidays come on quite a few days out and did well on holiday.
I need to put aside my stupid fear of what people will think and pick my battles.
So thank you all.
I’ll make sure she knows she’d be really welcome and if she wants to come for a bit I’ll drop her home whenever she wants. But won’t push it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dinkydonk55 · 11/09/2021 17:31

@FatLarrysBand

I'm afraid I have to wonder how fun a church social would be for a thirteen-year-old, honestly. She's not Anne of Green Gables.

It’s really just a social with about 5 families we happen to know from church 😂 it will be like a normal bbq…. I just put that in to explain how it’s sort of whole families that we vaguely know.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dinkydonk55 · 11/09/2021 17:33

@redpandaalert and thank you, I did suggest she could take art stuff, book or phone…
Or just ‘be’ and eat her lunch
But still not keen.

OP posts:

mbosnz · 11/09/2021 17:53

@HereForThis

Wow, that seems an unnecessarily aggressive response.

More like, my daughters have learned that sometimes we put others wants ahead of our own wants, to do something nice for other people that we care about. Equally, sometimes, we prioritise our wants and needs, and those we care about need to respect and accept that, or alternatively, stick their opinion where the sun doesn't shine.

However, there was absolutely no trouble attending their birthdays, and no reason why they could not, and because they can understand how much it meant to their Grannies that they attended their birthdays, they did it with maturity and grace.

PileOfBooks · 11/09/2021 17:55

Yeah the 5 families who were "friends of mum" and would ask questions about how school is going and expected to answer and "why don't you play with x." Pretty much my daughter's idea of hell too!

stupiduser · 11/09/2021 17:59

I think that it is unfair to make her. You want to go, that's fine that's your choice, it's also her choice what she does with her 'down time' introverts like me hate having to be with people. It is exhausting

HereForThis · 11/09/2021 18:00

Wow, that seems an unnecessarily aggressive response.
Really? Aggressive? That post? Pray tell, which part was aggressive? The "crap" or anything else said?
If so, do you feel aggression from all the other "craps", "fucks", "shits" and "cunts" on MN or is it just my "crap" that bothers you?

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