To think there’s not much worse than waiting for someone to pass away?

[TheSharpertheJuice]

My grandad got a cancer diagnosis last March and we’ve been so lucky that he’s held on this long and kept going while he could.

But now he can’t. He got taken into hospital yesterday, told he’ll probably not leave, and we’ve been told he has days left.

He is 88, his cancer has spread everywhere, he’s in so much pain and is struggling to eat and breathe. My mum and nanny have been to see him late last night on doctors recommendation so we all know it’s very nearly time.

This is the worst waiting game in the world- one we never want to come an end, yet knowing how truly unwell he is, knowing he’ll be at peace and wanting the pain to end for him, wishing that it wasn’t so prolonged now.

Not really sure why I’m posting- just in a bit of a limbo I suppose.

Couldn't read and not post. So sorry to hear this, and I agree its one of the worst things. Sending you love and flowers, sorry can never get the emoji to work.

I remember this with my own DGF, very similar situation. The worst grief I think is having to accept that the person you love isn't going to get better, the actual passing isn't nearly so bad in comparison.

It is horrible. With every breath they take you think " let go. This is too much suffering for you.". Then with every long gap between breaths you think " no please don't be gone".
You want both. Their peace and to keep them.

Saying goodbye is never easy. He must be a wonderful man.❤
Thinking of you all today.

Sorry op💐 I feel you. There is nothing worse than watching someone in pain. You don’t want them to die and you don’t want them to suffer. It’s agony.

So sorry. I remember this with my dad and feeling awful that I just wanted him to hurry up. But he was so so ill and I wanted it to be over for him and for us.

Also (and apologies if this is mega inappropriate, it's not meant to be), we were told by the end of life team that sometimes people hold on when they have people with them. We made a choice not to stay overnight with my dad and he slipped away peacefully. I cherish that my last memory was me reading him his favourite book then kissing him goodnight. However, totally appreciate this is not for everyone at all.

Do take care of yourself. This part is tiring in every sense.

So sorry OP. It is horrible. Like others have said, you want him to be at peace and not in pain but at the same time you don't want to lose him.

Cancer is an utter git.

from me too. It is just awful.

This happened with my DStepM. She was at home on a hospital bed and we took turns to hold her hand and sit with her. A very very long night.

Yes, it's horrible. You wish for them to be out of pain, then feel guilty. But when the inevitable does occur, it's still a shock and absolutely devastating.

I have gone through this recently with my Mum.

I've done this with both parents now. It's horrible. When it was over, my first thought both times was "Thank god for that".

I'll never understand why we have to let people suffer like that.

so very sorry OP. I completely understand.

Watching my friend towards her final few weeks after two years of battling Ovarian cancer was so painful. You’re torn and don’t want to watch them suffering but equally you wish you could do something, anything. It’s the helpless feeling.

It this awful, they wouldn’t let a dying dog suffer but leave humans clinging till the end in pain. His peace will come and I hope that you get a small comfort from that. Remember his amazing life and not this period at the end. I hope you are ok.

No - it really is the worst. Because there is the guilt too. We had this with dad - we ‘got the call’ and the family congregated to sit and wait... it was dreadful.

💐

Yes, it's such a hard and heartbreaking time, filled with conflicting emotions - let yourself feel and acknowledge them.

Also (and apologies if this is mega inappropriate, it's not meant to be), we were told by the end of life team that sometimes people hold on when they have people with them. We made a choice not to stay overnight with my dad and he slipped away peacefully. I cherish that my last memory was me reading him his favourite book then kissing him goodnight. However, totally appreciate this is not for everyone at all.

This is true, IME (I work in end of life) and there's no right or wrong way to do this for anyone involved, go with what feels right moment to moment.

I'm really sorry you're going through this 💐

I’m so sorry you are going through this OP.
My nans nursing home told us 2 weeks ago that she has stopped eating and is only drinking a couple of sips at most. We know it’s the end and it’s just a matter of time and I’m constantly swinging between not wanting my nan to die but also knowing that she is ready, and we are ready, to let her pass. But it’s just waiting for that final call, it feels like we are all in limbo.
I hope your grandad has a peaceful passing

It is the worst thing in the whole world. Unbearably painful. Watching someone suffer is terrible.

And one of the horrible things about it is the fact that you know the end is coming - awful feelings of what ifs or regret or must make the most of the time as it is gong to end. I can’t explain it.

We had this with our dad last November. The days leading up to his death were worse in many ways than the days after. Like a PP I felt so guilty about wanting it all to be over but wishing at the same time that day wouldn't come. At the end I just felt a mixture of relief, exhaustion and grief, when I talked to my siblings about it, they said they felt exactly the same. We all agreed watching him slipping away was the worst part .
OP.

When DH was dying, it felt so painful and like it would go on forever - yet selfishly I didn't want the end to come either because I wasn't ready to lose him. Nobody tells you about the rattle, or the rash, and it is so distressing. I think what PP said about the person waiting for people to go out the room can be true too - for the whole day, I had been there holding his hand with DS and DSS, my parents, my sister and her partner, and DH's siblings, sitting round his bed. The whole family decided to go for a cup of tea at one point, leaving just me, DS and my dad in the room. His breathing slowed, my dad left the room to get everyone back, and DH passed then, with just me and DS there. I have often wondered if he waited for everyone else to leave so it would be just us. DSS was devastated - he had gone for a cigarette, otherwise he would have stayed in the room with us.

It is a very painful time, for everyone including the dying person I would imagine.

That feeling another poster described of wanting them to be able to let go, and then hoping they haven't, and then wanting them to let go again. And the utter devastation when they actually do.

DH died 4.5 years ago, and mostly I don't let myself think about it because when I do (like reading and typing on this thread) brings it all back like it was yesterday.

Thinking of you TheSharpertheJuice.

We had this with FIL a few months ago. It drives you crazy. I was trying to get the doctors to tell me an exact time limit because I just couldn’t bear not knowing how long we had to continue watching him unconscious and struggling. My husband is traumatised by it.

Wishing you strength and peace.

I used to work in a nursing home, and it can be a very slow drawn out process. And an exhausting one for the people sat at the bedside. The important part is that he will be pain free and being looked after well.

I had to wait for my DH to die in the early 2000s. He was on the pathway to death, but it took around four days. Luckily every elderly relative since then has been offered oxygen with a nebuliser that will relax them and it speeds things up. People were horrified at my Mum having this and dying the same day as she went in, but there was no point in her lingering for days. It's these circumstances that we need honest conversations about.

Sending my love, OP. It's so hard and I've been there for a few family member's dying now. I've never felt any guilt for wanting it to pass speedily for them- He knows you love him; Do what you feel is right.