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Original poster

To think there’s not much worse than waiting for someone to pass away?

53 replies

TheSharpertheJuice · 11/09/2021 08:33

My grandad got a cancer diagnosis last March and we’ve been so lucky that he’s held on this long and kept going while he could.

But now he can’t. He got taken into hospital yesterday, told he’ll probably not leave, and we’ve been told he has days left.

He is 88, his cancer has spread everywhere, he’s in so much pain and is struggling to eat and breathe. My mum and nanny have been to see him late last night on doctors recommendation so we all know it’s very nearly time.

This is the worst waiting game in the world- one we never want to come an end, yet knowing how truly unwell he is, knowing he’ll be at peace and wanting the pain to end for him, wishing that it wasn’t so prolonged now.

Not really sure why I’m posting- just in a bit of a limbo I suppose.

OP posts:
TitoMojito · 11/09/2021 09:43

We just had this in my family. Relative passed last night. It's been torture never knowing whether to stay or go, not knowing if the second you leave they'll slip away. And not being sure whether you want them to hold on or let go. It's a hideous situation Thanks

Straysocks · 11/09/2021 09:44

@Justkeepleft

It is horrible. With every breath they take you think " let go. This is too much suffering for you.". Then with every long gap between breaths you think " no please don't be gone". You want both. Their peace and to keep them. Saying goodbye is never easy. He must be a wonderful man.❤ Thinking of you all today.
What a beautiful way of writing you have.

@TheSharpertheJuice It is so very hard, you are right. If it is cancer and he's unlikely to be in pain at this point thanks to pain drivers. I nursed my mum to the end this summer and agree, the waiting is the hardest. I found it helpful, I hope this is not insensitive or painful, when a nurse told me that her physically being was going through many processes that a sudden death doesn't perform. She was signing off in a way. She was ready to go and I think that helped us enormously, I couldn't wish her to stay. You're mind is with him, a kind of hand hold, I think his spirit will hear yours and the years of love are part of both your beings, as real as a nucleus. It is a process, peace will come. I'll be thinking of you.

LemonWeb · 11/09/2021 09:44

Flowers OP. I hope that he gets the palliative care he needs so that he can move on peacefully.

Greydog · 11/09/2021 09:48

my son and I sat with my Mum, his much loved Gran every night for over a week, while others did the day shift. At one time I thought that I wouldn't let my dog go through this. I'm so sorry

StandWithYou · 11/09/2021 09:51

My Mum passed with cancer in March. My Dad, brother and I were able to be with her in the last weeks in hospital. I found going in to be with her one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done but I’m so glad I did. I had the same conflicting feelings as you. Thinking of you and your family.

WearingMyBestMardyPants · 11/09/2021 11:36

8m so sorry OP, watching someone suffer is so hard.

This sounds odd but, has he been given permission to go?

Sometimes those about to leave us need to hear "it's OK, I love you, I will always love you, but it's OK to leave us, we'll look after each other here until we meet again".

Xx

scarpa · 11/09/2021 12:39

I'm in almost the identical situation right now - my grandad has a few days at best. Keep jumping every time the phone rings, and just wishing (for him) that it was over and (for me) that it won't ring ever.

I feel you. It's absolutely shit. Flowers

whatisforteamum · 11/09/2021 13:05

I feel for you OP.my df died 4 yrs ago today after a long battle with cancer.
We spent the last few days with him and the day before he died was particularly unpleasant I chose to go home.
My dbro s and dm stayed until he passed.
Df wouldn't have wanted me to stay and be traumatised.
It was a relief when he died.The waiting is so difficult. My thoughts are with you.

Strokethefurrywall · 11/09/2021 13:07

I feel your pain OP, I’m sorry.
I remember the limbo with my younger brother. He had cancer that spread to his brain and waiting for him to pass was just awful.
We didn’t sleep for 2 days, sitting by his hospital bed just listening to his breathing. Extended family coming in to say their goodbyes.
Most gut wrenching and harrowing days of my life and watching him take his final breath was such an awful release. He was finally free but we were left with our grief.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, much strength to you during this time x

CarrotVan · 11/09/2021 15:03

Just done this with my Dad. Discharged to the care home on end of life care expected to die within hours (he wanted to be with Mum - also at the care home). He died in the early hours on the third night. Longest weekend of my life.

District nurses and the palliative team were really good at keeping him sedated and pain free but it was very distressing

Bluenotgreenmilk · 11/09/2021 15:29

I lost my grandad in 1995,a friend a few years ago my fil in March

Al where horrific-waiting for them to die but desperately not wanting to lose them
I was lucky enough to see my friend when she was ok but she went downhill fast and then I got the call to say the world had lost another brave strong woman
I remember saying goodbye to my fil,driving down the road and phoning my son to scream at the injustice of seeing him like that
I remember saying over and over again that I wished he’d just died suddenly rather than this dragged out death and my son pointing out that knowing someone is going to die is no worse than them just dropping dead-it’s just different
I’m so glad I got to say goodbye to two of the greatest men I’ve been so lucky to have in my life and the greatest woman who helped make me the mother I am now
All so different-but all have left deep voids I’ll never be able to fill

LatinMumof2 · 11/09/2021 15:55

@WearingMyBestMardyPants

8m so sorry OP, watching someone suffer is so hard.

This sounds odd but, has he been given permission to go?

Sometimes those about to leave us need to hear "it's OK, I love you, I will always love you, but it's OK to leave us, we'll look after each other here until we meet again".

Xx

OP my heart goes out to you Flowers

I agree with this pp completely xx

thetemptationofchocolate · 11/09/2021 16:14

It's about a year ago that I was in the same place as you OP, and yes it is absolutely awful. Listening for the next breath, and hoping both that there is one, and that there isn't.
I hope that the hospital have got your Grandad on some serious pain relief.

WhatHaveIFound · 11/09/2021 16:50
Flowers

It's a horrible time so you have my sympathy. I hope that the hospital can get his pain relief sorted and that he finds peace.

We were in the same situation with my lovely FIL several years ago and chose not to tell our young children as I didn't want them to dread every day.

HarryHedgehog · 11/09/2021 16:57

Sending you love Op, I was in this position with my mum last year. Her last week was horrific. She wasn’t living, she was just existing in a daze of painkillers waiting to die. I found it really traumatic. Saddens me that we would never let any animal suffer like this, yet we can’t end the suffering of loved ones. So inhumane.

grannybee55 · 11/09/2021 16:59

I'm so sorry to hear this. I have been in this position twice and it's excruciating. Hopefully the hospital are keeping him as comfortable and pain free as they can. Use these final days to say anything that you need to while you can. Cancer is a truly vile disease. Sending you love and strength x

Cuddlyrottweiler · 11/09/2021 17:01

This sounds quite weird. But I found it quite nice. All her family came together, we sat by her bed side while she rested and we talked about our favourite memories with her. About her amazing cooking and our childhoods. She fell asleep surrounded by people who loved her laughing and reminiscing about her life.

shouldistop · 11/09/2021 17:01

It is awful. My dad died in December 2019, knew he was terminally ill from April 2017 but he had improved in that time and it seemed the cancer had gone. November 2019 was a living hell. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
I'm so sorry about your wee grandpa and I hope his passing is peaceful. Thanks

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 11/09/2021 17:06

Yanbu.

My mum lasted two, pointless weeks. Her last conscious seconds were spent screaming for the morphine she was by then addicted to and almost 15 years on im still traumatised by the fact I spilt some as I tried to syringe it into her mouth. If she was a dog we'd have been charged with animal cruelty for not putting her out of her misery......I really hope by the time my time comes there are much less brutal methods for patients who are at the point of no return. Euthanasia being one.

Hekatestorch · 11/09/2021 17:09

I am so sorry. Its truly is awful. It was 3 days between the doctor telling us that grandad wouldn't recover from his stroke and that he was too weak for an operation.

It really was horrific. Just conflicting emotions and distress.

My thoughts are with you.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 11/09/2021 17:16

It's absolutely awful. We had the same with my nana 3 years ago but she stayed at home.

Now grandad is terminal although not at the end yet he's started to have more bad days then good so we are constantly thinking is this it? Is this the time he'll stop having the good days. It's heart breaking x

TheGriffle · 11/09/2021 17:26

I’ve been through it with my nan years ago and my mother in law this February. My nan lasted a weekend, died late Sunday evening.

My mil came home from hospital on end of life care, after suffering with dementia for 5 years. She stopped eating and eventually stopped drinking. She lasted 5 days after coming home and those 5 days were just spent waiting for her to go. It was awful. The doctors didn’t even sort any pain relief for her so we don’t know if she was in pain at the end. She wasn’t really conscious but did get agitated every now and again.

MyCatIsAFuckwit · 11/09/2021 17:52

OP, nothing can prepare close ones for the last few days of a loved one passing away in hospital. It is excruciating, heartbreaking and exhausting in equal measure. I went through it recently with my dear dad.
Sending strength to you over the coming days/weeks. xx

HesterShaw1 · 11/09/2021 17:56

Thinking of you OP. It's a horrible time. When the end came for my dad, I was praying for it. In fact I was upset with the doctors for trying to prolong his misery, and begging them to answer "Why? Just let him go."

I agree it's a conversation we need to have.

I hope when his time comes, it's as easy and pain free as possible Flowers

rainbowruthie · 11/09/2021 17:57

@Justkeepleft

It is horrible. With every breath they take you think " let go. This is too much suffering for you.". Then with every long gap between breaths you think " no please don't be gone". You want both. Their peace and to keep them. Saying goodbye is never easy. He must be a wonderful man.❤ Thinking of you all today.
This is beautiful OP sending you kindest thoughts, such an awful time for you Flowers