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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Indifferent DH

55 replies

StonewallX · 10/09/2021 10:56

Apologies as this topic has probably been done many times. I’m almost 50. Married 15 years, 2 DC. Nice home, both of us work. Both adore our DC and we do lots together as a family. But when it’s just me and DH alone..nada. We don’t socialise together, eat together, watch TV together. We go to bed at different times. We very rarely touch or kiss. Sex is rare. He doesn’t ever ask about my day though will listen politely if I tell him. He spends most weekends with his hobby. I can’t say this is all new or out of character but it’s slowly getting more entrenched. If I try to speak to him about it he says nothing’s wrong and I should get a hobby or interest of my own. Due to young DC and working long hours I hadn’t done this before but now the DC are getting older and I’m working less I’d have time to look into that. But is that it? We go our separate ways? Gradually become (or are already) just polite flatmates? I know he wouldn’t want to split up - we have a nice home and it would devastate the DC. But when they leave home? What then? Do I keep going like this, feeling lonely, maybe wait for a crisis down the line?

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 10/09/2021 10:57

Do you think he realises that things should change or is he quite happy with how it is?

Etinox · 10/09/2021 11:00

Have an affair.
The dick is practically setting you up to.
His reaction, telling you to get a hobby when you want to be closer to him is cruel.

Original poster

StonewallX · 10/09/2021 11:01

He says he’s happy with things. Financially comfortable. He has the DC and his hobby and he likes his job. To address anything might mess with all of that. My concern is that we drift further and further apart until when the DC are gone there is nothing left.

OP posts:

Wombat96 · 10/09/2021 11:04

Sounds like you'd be very lonely in retirement.

I'm the same age as you & I'd not be happy.

MintyGreenDream · 10/09/2021 11:06

I was like that with ExH towards the end.We had no kids and I was unfaithful due to not having sex for years.

LastGirlSanding · 10/09/2021 11:30

He wouldn’t want to split up because he’s happy. Happy to live his life, get the perks of a marriage but put in no effort to your relationship.

So during the earlier years with your DC you worked long hours and did childcare..bet he still had his hobbies though did he? You might be able to get a hobby now but how is that going to solve the problem of his total disinterest in an actual relationship with you?

This sort of thing really is maddening because he’s neglecting you and the relationship and living his happy life. Meanwhile you are feeling sad and lonely and I expect would suffer the burden of guilt by ‘splitting up the family’ if you considered separation…despite the fact he’s the one not putting in the effort. Why should all this fall to you?

Aquamarine1029 · 10/09/2021 11:41

He wouldn’t want to split up because he’s happy. Happy to live his life, get the perks of a marriage but put in no effort to your relationship.

Yup, exactly this. He has everything he wants without having to put in an once of effort, why would he bother to change? However, the twat very clearly couldn't give a toss how you feel, but I can assure you what you're feeling now isn't going to get better. The resentment and sadness is going to grow so large you won't be able to stand it. Of course you're unhappy, your marriage offers you nothing. Being lonely in a marriage is soul destroying.

I highly recommend you start therapy to help yourself to work out how you're feeling and what you want your future to look like.

sst1234 · 10/09/2021 12:05

@Etinox

Have an affair. The dick is practically setting you up to. His reaction, telling you to get a hobby when you want to be closer to him is cruel.

You sound really mature. Is this how you approach your own relationships?

sst1234 · 10/09/2021 12:08

@MintyGreenDream

I was like that with ExH towards the end.We had no kids and I was unfaithful due to not having sex for years.

Wonder what MN reaction would be if a man had written this.

HollowTalk · 10/09/2021 12:11

I would ask him to go for couples therapy. If he won't go, I'd go for therapy on my own with a view to how to tackle leaving him. There is nothing more lonely than living with someone who is indifferent to you.

ScatteredMama82 · 10/09/2021 12:16

That must be hard OP. You don't have to stay with him if he makes you feel unhappy/unwanted. If you were both happy living that way then ok, but you're clearly not and if he's not willing to listen to you and try to change things then I don't know what else you can do. Do you think it is partly that you were so busy with the kids you didn't notice the gap in your relationship, but now there is nothing to fill that gap it is so much more obvious?

Lou98 · 10/09/2021 12:19

There is never a good excuse for having an affair, please ignore PP that suggest it - in any situation, if you're not happy, leave.

It sounds like he's just gotten too comfortable OP and is happy with just the companionship rather than missing the romance and intimacy.
I think the only way to approach it is to set aside time with him, tell him exactly what you've said here, that you're lonely and if things don't change, you are going to leave. If he really doesn't want to separate, he will make the effort to change and make more time for you as a couple. If he doesn't, then you have your answer, you know you've tried and it's time to end things.
Don't worry about 'breaking up the family' - you need to be happy yourself to be the best for your kids. Sometimes relationships don't work out, it's rubbish but kids understand, even if not at the time, they will further down the line

PlanDeRaccordement · 10/09/2021 12:21

You need to find an activity to do together to bring that closeness back. Then commit to doing it.
My DH and I go for long walks 2x a week. Sometimes we will have lunch while out as well.
But he has his hobbies and I have mine. We also have different circles of friends. So we have lots to talk about other than work and DC when we go for our walks.
So I think you do need a hobby of some sort. Otherwise you’ll be both bored and boring to be with.

Dishwashersaurous · 10/09/2021 12:22

You need to actively prioritise your relationship.

Book a babysitter and go out for a date night once a month and actually focus on each other.

Once a month a takeaway and no phones date at home.

Give it six months and she if he is bothered.

Cuddlemuffin · 10/09/2021 12:31

I recommend counseling. If he agrees to go then fab but if not it will be really helpful for you to work things out in your head; what you want, what you need, whether something needs to change. You can't change him but he probably doesn't want to change if he's happy...it sounds like you've been prioritising your family for some time so give yourself a bit of attention and work out what your next step is with the support and guidance of a counselor x

Original poster

StonewallX · 10/09/2021 12:56

@PlanDeRaccordement

You need to find an activity to do together to bring that closeness back. Then commit to doing it. My DH and I go for long walks 2x a week. Sometimes we will have lunch while out as well. But he has his hobbies and I have mine. We also have different circles of friends. So we have lots to talk about other than work and DC when we go for our walks. So I think you do need a hobby of some sort. Otherwise you’ll be both bored and boring to be with.

You’re right. I can be a bit depressive at times which obviously creates a vicious circle. If I was looking amazing and had a glittering active life away from him then maybe things would be better. The way it’s always been with us is that if I pull away from him he comes after me, but the minute I turn to him he backs off. However recently when I pull away he seems less bothered. So me developing a hobby and spending more time away from home - even when I’d prefer not to feel I had to do that - may just mean that he’s happy to let us drift further. I know I’ll have to make the effort, even just to develop my own life in case things get worse. If we didn’t have the DC the decision would be a lot more clear from both sides. It’s this waiting I hate, and the feeling that he’s not being honest with me out of duty.

OP posts:

Original poster

StonewallX · 10/09/2021 14:21

The above makes it sound as if I’m the boring one with no interests while he has a life. In fact of the two of us I’m the more adventurous and had more interests when we met. But when we married we moved to his quiet suburb and there is less to do. (Though he is close to his hobby).
One thing we always agreed was that when the DC were a certain age we would live abroad for a year just for the adventure of it. Our jobs are flexible enough to do that. But it’s now clear that while he won’t go back on his word, if we move it will be all up to me. He won’t find a job abroad so I’ll have to find one and support us. I’ll have to book the flights, schools, find accommodation. With Covid things have been put on hold anyway but if we do go that will be what happens. He never refuses anything but quietly stonewalls. If I suggest a holiday he’ll say he has to check re his hobby - so I’ve just gone ahead and booked everything and he’s free to come or not. He always comes in the end because of the DC - but again, once they’re gone, I don’t think he will.
And this stonewalling is what happens if I try to talk about us.

OP posts:

Etinox · 10/09/2021 14:24

I’ve got a lashing for suggesting you have an affair, it was in jest, but his indifference is shocking. Lots of posters have told you what you need to do, as it stands you’re the one having your hand forced into rocking the boat, because you’re the one unhappy, he seems to be perfectly content with time to do his hobbies and a nice home. No intimacy and stonewalling your attempts to improve things. I suggest- not you need a few sessions with a counsellor, then a few with another counsellor for the both of you.

Etinox · 10/09/2021 14:26

That’s interesting that I used the word stonewalling before I saw your latest post.

Original poster

StonewallX · 10/09/2021 14:27

Yes it’s a very good description and is very frustrating.

OP posts:

Etinox · 10/09/2021 14:31

And it’s your name! Just noticed
Do find someone to talk this through with.
He’s being very cruel.

Original poster

StonewallX · 10/09/2021 23:06

I’ll be 50 next month. I’ll be working for one of those weekends and he will be away for two with his hobby. The weekend of my actual birthday his friend is having his 50th so he asked if I’d mind if he went. I’m actually fairly easygoing about birthdays, I never expect a huge fuss so I said no, we’d go along to that. But now apparently it’s not clear if partners are invited.
He’s taking the piss isn’t he? Seriously, where is either of our self respect?

OP posts:

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 10/09/2021 23:17

How confident are you that there is not an alternative romantic interest along with his hobby?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 10/09/2021 23:18

And yes, he's completely taking the piss. I can't imagine anyone being so neglectful and obtuse as to suggest going solo to someone else's 50th on your own wife's 50th birthday

EL8888 · 10/09/2021 23:26

He’s totally taking the piss. This is the kind of thing my ex husband would do

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