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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Indifferent DH

55 replies

StonewallX · 10/09/2021 10:56

Apologies as this topic has probably been done many times. I’m almost 50. Married 15 years, 2 DC. Nice home, both of us work. Both adore our DC and we do lots together as a family. But when it’s just me and DH alone..nada. We don’t socialise together, eat together, watch TV together. We go to bed at different times. We very rarely touch or kiss. Sex is rare. He doesn’t ever ask about my day though will listen politely if I tell him. He spends most weekends with his hobby. I can’t say this is all new or out of character but it’s slowly getting more entrenched. If I try to speak to him about it he says nothing’s wrong and I should get a hobby or interest of my own. Due to young DC and working long hours I hadn’t done this before but now the DC are getting older and I’m working less I’d have time to look into that. But is that it? We go our separate ways? Gradually become (or are already) just polite flatmates? I know he wouldn’t want to split up - we have a nice home and it would devastate the DC. But when they leave home? What then? Do I keep going like this, feeling lonely, maybe wait for a crisis down the line?

OP posts:

Bargebill19 · 10/09/2021 23:33

I’m sorry this has happened.
My (d) h and I have reached this stage, no children though. His self absorption and indifference has lead me to realise he doesn’t love me - I’m a just like a piece of furniture to him. Things came to a head on my 50th. We’ve decided to live as flat mates for now. We are in the process of looking for a house big enough to facilitate this.
I can live with that as I’ve also realised that his (non) actions have totally eroded any love I had for him.
He won’t do counselling or even talk to me.
He’s gone away on holiday this week, I can honestly say I’m loving being on my own and can’t wait until we each have our own room/space.

pooonastick · 10/09/2021 23:57

Not planning to spoil you on your birthday is really disappointing . I cannot imagine my husband doing this. Unless you have set the tone over many years that you are not bothered by birthdays and don't want any fuss. If this is the case , then he cannot be blamed. However if you haven't said that you don't want a fuss, I think you deserve better.
Are you friends with a couple that you admire their relationship? If so, try and use them as a benchmark of what you aspire to be like and how you would ;like to be treated by your partner

dane8 · 11/09/2021 00:11

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

SpringCrocus · 11/09/2021 02:02

That's not ok. A 50th birthday IS a big deal, unless you explicitly have said not. And for him to prioritise a friends 50th, and not explicitly invite you?... On YOUR birthday?
Words fail me

silkience · 11/09/2021 10:40

I’ve got a lashing for suggesting you have an affair, it was in jest, but his indifference is shocking. Lots of posters have told you what you need to do, as it stands you’re the one having your hand forced into rocking the boat, because you’re the one unhappy, he seems to be perfectly content with time to do his hobbies and a nice home. No intimacy and stonewalling your attempts to improve things. I suggest- not you need a few sessions with a counsellor, then a few with another counsellor for the both of you

Totally agree with @Etinox

He doesn't want his easy comfortable life disrupted so happy to continue as he is and fuck whether that makes you happy or not! Has a low sex drive, or getting it elsewhere, so fuck your need for sex or intimacy. What a selfish arse.

doodleygirl · 11/09/2021 10:45

It’s really no way to live, it’s miserable. If your DH prioritises his mates 50th rather than his wife’s then he is saying fuck you in bright neon colours.

Etinox · 11/09/2021 11:04

Thanks @silkience
I felt awful after the ‘have an affair’ comment, but really after the 50th update, he’s signalling loud and clear that he doesn’t care.
If you have the energy or head space @StonewallX avoiding the phrase ‘you need’ can you sit down and talk through what message he’s sending you by attending this party? What his friends would assume about your relationship and whether it’s true?

BrendaBubbles · 11/09/2021 11:29

Why is all the blame being pinned on him? There are two of you and you have been together years clearly so you have let it trundle along too.

Etinox · 11/09/2021 11:31

@BrendaBubbles
Because he’s content and she’s not. And he won’t discuss it.

GoodnightGrandma · 11/09/2021 11:32

You shouldn’t have to get a hobby.
It’s clearly not working for you, so move on now while you’re still young.
You can’t live a life you don’t want just to suit 3 other people.

Original poster

StonewallX · 11/09/2021 11:52

Thanks for all the comments. Written down it looks bleaker than I expected. I’m confident there is no one else - one woman trying to keep him from his golf and mates is enough, he wouldn’t go down that road again, also he would not risk the DC. I felt pretty low about it all last night - other life events have happened too to make me ponder things. I’m not completely blameless as some pp have correctly pointed out.

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CaptSkippy · 11/09/2021 11:57

@StonewallX

He says he’s happy with things. Financially comfortable. He has the DC and his hobby and he likes his job. To address anything might mess with all of that. My concern is that we drift further and further apart until when the DC are gone there is nothing left.

He says he is happy, but does he even care that you're not? What kind of a marriage is it that he doesn't even care about your concerns?

sHREDDIES19 · 11/09/2021 11:59

That doesn’t sound like a very fulfilling marriage for you op. Everyone is different but as a couple you need to be in the same lane. I’ve been with my dh for 21 years and as the kids are starting to get a bit older (although it’ll still be a good decade before we can do things like weekend away without them) I’m looking forward to doing more just us two. We love spending time together, just really enjoy each other’s company. As I said it might not be everyone’s ideal but you’re clearly not happy and need more from him. He needs to address this.

lking679 · 11/09/2021 12:00

I think if he understood the lack of relationship between you will probably result in a separation he may back up his ideas? But if he’s always been like this it’s not realistic he’d change now. My husband is quiet so I said we should try and tell each other something we’ve found interesting/fact for that day. Doing that did get conversations going and in the end didn’t need to do it. The birthday thing is a lack of respect, if he won’t work on things within what’s reasonable and respect you what’s the point in staying?

lking679 · 11/09/2021 12:01

Buck up not back up!

HelloHummingbird · 11/09/2021 12:04

Have you told him all of this, how it's making you feel?

Original poster

StonewallX · 11/09/2021 12:05

If I spell out clearly what I want him to do, he’ll do it, eg go out to dinner, watch something together on TV. He never refuses. But, box ticked, he’ll say, ok, I’m off out tomorrow night or next weekend. I’ve asked him if he’s happy, if he’s bored…he says no, he’s happy, things are fine. I can’t keep asking without sounding a bit mad. Is he really happy? I know if he wasn’t he would never tell me because of the upheaval it might lead to. He tells me I ruminate too much. He’s not a bad person. I watched Shirley Valentine (alone) last night. I am pretty much her!

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IceLace100 · 11/09/2021 12:06

How old are your kids?

In your shoes, I'd stay for a couple of years to see if this is a phase and try and get things into a better place. As you have said, things aren't terrible for you so you have time to see if things get better or worse.

You really don't want to be with him being like this when the kids are gone though do you? His apathy will just be amplified.

When the kids are gone, reassess if this is the man you want to spend your life with. It might be just that the relationship has run it's course?

Original poster

StonewallX · 11/09/2021 12:07

If I told him I wanted to do x or y for my birthday he’d do it. But left to himself he’d choose his mate’s birthday and a weekend away with his mates. I’d have to specifically ask him.

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Original poster

StonewallX · 11/09/2021 12:08

Kids are 8 and 9

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HelloHummingbird · 11/09/2021 12:08

So you've asked him questions but not told him how you feel...what have you got to loose?

IceLace100 · 11/09/2021 12:14

@StonewallX

Kids are 8 and 9

Right so you have a way to go until they're off to uni or work then. I think this is a good thing because sounds like this is something you could both woek on. I wouldn't leave him yet.

Would he attend counselling with you?

Original poster

StonewallX · 11/09/2021 12:20

I have told him I feel as if we’re drifting. He says he can’t understand why I feel that way. We do lots as a family (which to be fair, we do)…ok, let’s go out to dinner then, just us. Great, that was lovely! Now tomorrow he’s going out with his friends and next weekend he’s away. Oh what now? Do I want him to stop seeing his friends? Why don’t I develop an interest of my own etc?
I don’t mind him seeing his friends or being away. I never try to stop him. It’s the sense that he dutifully fits me in between them but if I try to raise it I’m nagging or a bit mad. Maybe I am!!

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Original poster

StonewallX · 11/09/2021 12:25

Counselling…no, he definitely wouldn’t. To be fair, that wouldn’t be personal. He wouldn’t attend counselling if someone offered him a million pounds.

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Original poster

StonewallX · 11/09/2021 12:25

“Talking” about things is not his strong point.

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